Female Forum

Female Forum Member - cassandra

2010-03-08T16:00:34+00:00

Today we interview cassandra - she’s been a member here for less than 8 months but has already had a hugely positive impact on the community.

You have quite an interesting background - born in England and now living in the Netherlands. How did all this happen?

When my dad re-married it was to a very lovely Dutch lady, she always made us very welcome and we loved having holidays here. It just seemed friendly and relaxed..

Then in the late 1980’s the UK entered a recession, at that time my OH had his own company and was having to work ever harder to keep the work coming in this meant he was spending less and less time at home.

One sunday he had taken the boys then 5 and 7 swimming and as a treat he took them to macdonalds afterwards but when he asked the little one what he wanted our son was too shy to answer his father hiding behind me instead..

My OH was so upset by this he decided that we needed a change, needed to put the children first and so we looked for a more child friendly place to live..

We had liked the Netherlands so much that we thought why not just move here? So thats exactly what we did, we just packed up and moved!

You mention in your profile that you’ve tried writing a book. What was the book about? Do you plan on pursuing this?

I was unemployed and wanted to do something other than watch daytime TV.

When I tell people I moved here from England with 3 kids under 10 and a dog they all ask ‘how did that come about’?

So I decided to write it down, about how and why we moved, the move itself and our adventures trying to learn the hows and whys of living in Holland speaking no Dutch and all the funny and frustrating things that happened in the first few years…Like the time my OH mispronounced the word for rootball ( kluit) and told everyone in the pub he was getting a Christmas tree with klote, (bollocks) !!!

I printed a few copies for friends and family but I lost part of it when the old PC crashed and haven’t pursued it any further..

You’re an independent thinker and you aren’t afraid to speak your mind. Is this something that comes naturally to you, or have you consciously developed this habit?

My father had bi-polar disorder which lead to him showing some bizarre behaviour sometimes but he was also a thinker, a theologist he was always looking for the truth about man, our purpose, our destiny etc..

He told me I should always be looking for the next level, the truth beyond that which I was being given and not to just accept what so-called experts spoonfed the masses.

He encouraged me to read and re-read to cross reference and think differently..Outside the box as its now called! He said that the only place a person could be truly free was within their own mind.

He also warned me that as a woman my views and ideas would be challenged and dismissed so I would have to learn to fight my corner and stand firm on things I believed in without becoming blinkered to the opinion of others, he taught me debating tactics that have helped me in many situations.

I hope that I have been able to pass some of that wisdom on to my daughter who unfortunately never met her Grandfather.

You’re a foster parent - tell us more about how that came about. Would you consider fostering again in the future, or was it a challenge you rose to more out of obligation than choice?

I hadn’t considered fostering and to be honest I was just getting used to OH being back after 5 years away in England. The children had all left and we were entering a new phase of our lives together..

Then S was basically dumped by his parents, my son had him stay for a while but my son admits he does not have a 9-5 lifestyle and the stability that a boy like S needs.. so together my son and S called in child services. They looked after him for a couple of months in a temporary home but there were no foster places available and so turned to my son again asking if he could take S again or knew someone who could just until a foster home could be found.( Its all very badly arranged) As we had the room we agreed to give S a temporary home but that now seems to be extended from the original 6 weeks to 1 year.

S is a gentle boy and openly gay. At the moment he dresses as a girl in his free time and has said he eventually wants to be considered for gender reassignment.

This is the problem for his parents they cannot accept this part of him and so they only call to voice their disapproval of their son and his lifestyle,friends, clothes, etc etc..

As to whether I would do it again? I really couldn’t say, I suppose if the need arose such as it has with S then I would but its not something I feel drawn to do ‘full time’.

You are a staunch believer in animal rights and abhor animal cruelty - what brought this about? Have you seen the effects of animal cruelty firsthand? Is there any personal connection here?

Again my dad gets the blame. He bought home a long line of strays and badly treated dogs he had found or rescued and my dear mum put up with all his manky waifs and strays without any complaint.

We nursed all those dogs back to health and then they went on to their forever homes..It was amazing to see a dirty, matted, cowering wreck, that wet itself in fright gradually become a proud, shining and happy dog that people wanted to love and give a home to. One of his wrecks turned out to be a former Crufts best in breed.

Since Ive been married we have only ever had rescue dogs.

I couldn’t even consider paying someone to force a dog to have pups just so that I could have a
‘ puppy made to order’ ..

I use my own dogs to try to educate people. I’m often stopped and complimented on the condition of my dogs and asked about how I’ve ended up with 3 different breeds.

I take time to explain how each of them was badly treated and how they have recovered and now pay me back 100 times over with love. I hope that by seeing what lovely dogs they are people will be encouraged to adopt a rescue animal themselves..

A year ago, your brother took his own life and you’ve explored the issue here in the forums. Why do you think that the discussion of suicide is still taboo? What can be done to get people talking about (and better understanding) suicide and its impact on others?

You know when I stop and think about it it still stuns me.. That 3 members of one family could each take their own life.. and the fact that I have never been to a funeral of anyone who died naturally..
That takes my breath away and still takes me by surprise so how can I even expect anyone who hasn’t been through it to imagine how it feels?

World suicide remembrence day is 10 September… not a good day considering, and while there are coloured ribbons to show support for breast cancer and aids and just about everything else suicide gets brushed under the rug again.

I quoted all the figures in my post, the fact that suicide claims 10 times more lives in the USA each year than the 9/11 attacks did and that in the UK there are on average 500 more suicides than road deaths each year..

In each of those examples we talk of ‘innocent victims’ but what do you called someone who commits suicide? A victim?.. a victim of what exactly?

They ‘ killed’ themselves.. so are they killers? Of course not.

So what do we call them, how do we attach a label to this horror we wont even talk about?

Often on a death certificate it will say whilst the balance of his/her mind was impaired..implying that a person who commits suicide must be mad or unbalanced..

That often only adds to the social stigma for the family left behind..

Then of course there’s the gossip…about how they did it and why and what sort of family it must be when your kid thinks he´s better off dead than living with you..That hurts.

Yet talking about it is the only way its going to become less taboo but when people cross the road rather than talk to you its not easy and it becomes understandable why people want to hush it up when it happens in their family.

Of course religious taboos are really difficult to break because people will have been told since birth by their church leaders that it’s a mortal sin to take ones own life and you cant expect people to just suddenly turn their back on something that has given them comfort and support all their lives.

As someone who has lost loved ones through suicide I often feel not entitled to grieve because after all the person who is dead got what they wanted didn’t they?

They wanted to die otherwise they wouldn’t have done it.. Would they?

Answers on a postcard please… because I have no idea!

We will gradually come to terms with it. Just as we have with other taboos like homosexuality and un-married mothers.. People like me who cant keep their big mouths shut will talk about it and if we go on long enough I’m sure someone will listen, or maybe there will just be a worldwide shortage of earplugs!

You recently became a grandmother (congratulations!). Has that changed your perspective on life, or is it still business as usual?

Business as usual, I’m a long distance nan as the little madam lives in Ireland so I only get to see her via Skype.

I’m not one for butting in and I’m sure I’ve raised my son with enough skills and enough love for him to be a great dad and my daughter in law is a lovely gentle woman who I’m sure will be a wonderful mother..

This is their time. If they want me they will let me know..

Thank cat for this one: Do you ever feel as hopeless as I do when it comes to saving animals as we can only do or donate so much yet it feels like a drop in the ocean.

I suppose if I thought about the massive scale of the problem then I would be overwhelmed so I just do what I can, donate, adopt, educate.

I have learned to accept that I am one person and that my destiny is not greatness.. There are two quotes I love which help me with this..

One is from Mother Theresa
‘We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love’.

The other is attributed to Lao Tzu the founder of Taoism
‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’.

I hope my small act performed with the greatest of love will encourage others to do the same and my single step will be the first on a road that leads to change and improvement.

What part of your life makes you the happiest right now?

Knowing that my children have all grown into decent and settled adults and that they are all happy in their lives.

Seeing S relax and start to enjoy life the way a boy of his age should. Hearing him laugh.

What part of your life do you find the most challenging right now?

Dealing with S parents.

Trying not to let them make me closed and angry. Being determined not to let them draw me into their argument.

Name one thing you love about Female Forum.

The personal aspect. This is like a night at the local all cosy but casual and friendly. The genuine advice that’s given without judgement. I thank all the members for that.

What could Female Forum do to become an even better community? You can’t say ‘Nothing’!

Promoting the individual things such as these interviews which help us to understand each better and get a more indepth look at members without being intrusive..I have never seen this on another forum.

Finally, which member of Female Forum should we interview next and what’s the one major question you would like us to ask her?

Majorcagirl. I see in her profile that she is a Alzheimer’s volunteer. Has her work with those affected changed the way she sees them and what one thing would she like to see done to improve the care for alzheimer’s patients?

Thank you for such an open and honest interview, Cassandra. Oh, and Majorcagirl - don’t go answering your question until we get your interview sorted out; I’ll be in touch soon!

Female Forum Member - cat

2010-01-20T18:56:12+00:00

Today we interview cat - one of the most prolific contributors to our community and on 5 February 2010 she’ll have been a member of Female Forum for a year!

So, what’s the story behind your name? Are you a modern day cat lady, or just a lover of all things feline?

I would like to be able to say it is because of my love of cats, but the simple truth is, not long after I met my husband, he started calling me ‘Cat’, and it stuck, I hate Cathy but Cat seems to have worked for me.

In your profile you mention home improvements as one of your hobbies - what projects have you successfully completed, and have you had any DIY disasters?

In our current house we have fitted a new kitchen, built a conservatory on, replaced the bathroom, decorated throughout, replaced the fireplace, partitioned a wall and fitted new carpets. Sounds pretty impressive huh? In actual fact we got ‘a man in’ to do all that for us. I can’t actually do any of that stuff myself I’m afraid. My role is to instruct, my husband’s role is usually to pay, and his brother (a Carpenter) carries out the work. The only disasters have been in the choice of colours we have chosen to put on the walls, and sadly we have no one to blame but ourselves!!

You’re currently in the process of buying a new home - do you look forward to putting your artistic flair to good use? Did you specifically look for a house that you could add your own personal touch to?

Well, this house kind of found us, rather than the other way around. We wanted to find a place together soon, as this house has always really been my husband’s house before we met, so it’s never quite felt completely ‘ours’. But as it happened, the house next to my father in law had been lying vacant for some time and was worried someone might buy it and he would have neighbours who would complain, complain because he is a bit eccentric and has built everything in his field from a rocket to a false gold mine(as you do). He called us one day and asked if we would like the house, and if so he would help us buy it (as its out of our price range).

The views are stunning; it has more space than we can dream of so we jumped at the chance. The only drawback being that it hasn’t changed since the 70s which is when my husband once actually lived there as a child, when his dad was building the current house next door. So there’s some family history there too.

It’s been a long waiting process to get the ball moving on this place but we do look forward to making it our own, we’ll have to put some hard graft into it mind, but I guess its lazy to walk into a house all done for you!

We are however very fortunate to be given the chance to own a place such as this, it’s not something I take for granted as I was never brought up with such opportunities.

So new house… enough bedrooms for an addition to the family in the future?!?

Yes Martin, I’m glad you asked me this, this house would be far too big for the two of us. So with two cats already I have decided it is only fair to give them company and encourage the growth of the family. So I have been thinking about adoption, adopting perhaps a couple of chickens (from battery farming).

I trust that was the answer you were looking for?

Err…. OK, on to the next question! One of the reasons we love you is down to the fact you’re not afraid to speak your mind or challenge popular notions (for example, global warming)! Where does that personality trait come from?

I’m not sure; I’ve never followed a crowd though, in action or opinion although I like to think I’m very diplomatic and not at all offensive. My dad use to embarrass me hugely as a teenager because if something wasn’t right, somewhere, for example food in a restaurant he would complain (& I would shrink). So it may have come from him.

You’ve mentioned before that you’re a bit of a petrol head! Where did this interest in cars come from? Oh, and what are you currently driving?

Again I think this may have come from my dad if it came from anyone, we always used to sit down and watch ‘Top Gear’ together, as I still do. I do love cars, If I won a substantial amount on the lotto they would be a real weakness of mine. An Aston martin would be a must for starters. I also love watching the World Rallying too (such skill involved there). My current car is my first car owned from new, last year. It’s a Peugeot 207Hdi in a Ferrari red with all the trimmings (of course), it will have to last us some time now mind.

Here’s something that’s been confusing me (and surely the rest of the community) - you don’t like hot drinks! How on earth do you get through the winter, and more importantly - WHY don’t you like hot drinks?!?

I have to say, I can’t understand why you drink hot drinks on a cold day! I just hate the feeling of a drink being warm, warm liquid feels awful to me and also not very refreshing either! I love the smell of soup and tried some recently, I just couldn’t eat it, it was an awful sensation.

Thank kezflake for this one: Since you started studying for a career in medical admin, do you feel a sense of loss after deciding to no longer pursue your original dream of an artistic career?

I do actually, I don’t feel I was meant to do the average job in life, I’m creative not academic, if I could have life all over again id move to an area with more opportunities than the area I’m in now, we have the grand selection of nursing, cleaning, waiting on or admin in this area. If I hadn’t met my husband and had no ties I would be elsewhere. Modelling photography always looked exciting and slightly more creative than a wedding!, I guess with the right training that would have been a line to go down if I had life over again. Instead I have had to choose a path best for the area I live in and make the best of things.

What part of your life makes you the happiest right now?

Ultimately, my pets and my husband do, or is that the other way around? They are my little life – all 3 of them. But then there are materialistic things that make you happy on a temporary basis, the thought of us starting out in our new house together makes me very happy. But then again a little blue box from Tiffany can spread a smile too!

What part of your life do you find the most challenging right now?

Without a doubt, this medical course. Everyone knows their limits; this course has definitely helped me reach mine. Everyone thinks a medical secretarial course must be quite simple, learn about typing, filing and how to fill out the forms and that’s it. But there is so much actual medical
knowledge to learn – all the same things the doctor has to! Plus so much legal information and the legal acts and dates that go with this information, it’s a nightmare. If I knew then what I know now I would never have done it!

Name one thing you love about Female Forum.

It’s you of course Martin! One bloke, all us women, ever feel you are in the minority? No to be honest its simply the close knit group we have on here and those whom we all seem to feel like we know.

Aww, shucks! What could Female Forum do to become an even better community? You can’t say ‘Nothing’!

Nothing?

Well, if you could improve the PM reply system it would be a start, as you know I typed all this out once before and the whole lot disappeared for no reason! I did this on Word 2007 in the end! I guess that’s one of life’s little cruelties though, I’m over it now, I just had to cool it!!

Nothing wrong with our PM system, butter fingers!! Finally, which member of Female Forum should we interview next and what’s the one major question you would like us to ask her?

If she hasn’t already done one, Cassandra. (Please don’t shout at me if she has and I’ve missed it!). She seems to share my love of animals and concern for animal cruelty. My question to her would be: does she ever feel as hopeless as I do when it comes to saving those animals as we can only do or donate so much yet it feels like a drop in the ocean. I would like to see the same campaigns on the TV once a year for animals as they do for children in need & red nose day.

Thanks for your time (especially as you had to send your answers to me twice!), cat. Oh and Cassandra - don’t go answering your question until we get your interview sorted out!!

Female Forum Member - kezflake

2009-11-09T16:35:39+00:00

Today we interview kezflake who is one of our longest serving members - having been here pretty much since we launched over a year ago!

You started off your career training to be an architect, yet you now focus on web design - why the big change?

It’s that old cliché I suppose ‘I just fell into it’, after graduating I wanted to be working in the design industry, actually designing real products for real people. My partners a web site programmer with bounds of confidence, he had little trouble attracting clients but with limited design skills he needed help with someone with a little artistic flair; that’s when I stepped in to help him and people seemed to like our work. So while I would still bite the hand off anyone offering me a position in a drawing office I am loving the creativity of designing for the web.

Most young people struggle when it comes to establishing a career path - and for many, confidence is a barrier to them getting or even applying for their ideal job. You’ve mentioned in the forums that this issue has affected you - how do you deal with it?

I am guilty of going into a situation and assuming I am lacking in some way, skills or knowledge mostly feeling like an impostor to the industry but if anything this has pushed me to work harder, in a sense this may be one way that a lack of confidence has helped me. I have learned to deal with it now by just getting on with what needs doing or a least try and training myself to stop negative thoughts when I first sense them. This may seem silly or obvious but many times it would seem that there was nothing to worry about in the first place.

During your upbringing you certainly had your fair share of challenges. In particular one of your parents suffered with serious mental health issues. How did this affect your childhood and shape you as an adult?

My dad had a form of personality disorder, I didn’t really understand the reason for his often erratic behaviour at the time and after witnessing other relationships in my family break down I suppose I developed a distorted image of what family life was all about. As a child I didn’t trust people and it took many years to restore a belief that being part of a happy relationship was something that could happen to me too.

You seem to be very close to your mother. Would you say she is in inspiration to you? Why?

My mum like any mother wanted to give the happiest life possible for me but to do this meant some tremendous scarifies on her part; I know she loved my dad but our home environment was just too unbearable anymore and to leave took an incredible amount of courage and strength. There have been a lot of tough choices she had to make that I don’t think I could have done yet this never stopped her from putting me first and working hard to improve our lives.

Family seems to be very important to you - you’re also very close to your brother. Why the close relationship? Do you feel you are both ‘kindred spirits’?

Before his birth I had all but given up on the possibility of a sibling, well at 19 I think most people would have so I was determined that despite our age differences he would know I was part of his life. We are both fairly similar to our mum but in completely separate ways, he has her fiery stubbornness and I have her patience and artsy streak.

You’ve mentioned on the forums some strange ‘experiences’ - do you believe in ghosts and the paranormal? Do you think this is something you will explore, or are your experiences things you prefer to forget about or ignore?

I am very open to the idea that there could be other possibilities of existence in this world; I have had some pretty hair raising nights living in the house I grew up but this had just made me all the more curious. I would definitely love to explore this further in fact once my boyfriend finds out what holidays he can take next year one of our short break ideas is to go up to see the medium Derek Acorah, yes I am quite fascinated by the idea of the paranormal.

Although you are still young, you seem to have put down some roots and are now settling down. Did you always plan on doing this at a young age? Do you associate settling down with security?

I was brought up to believe in independence which was the example my mother had set for me. I don’t think I entered this relationship with any grand plans, I was 17 and in love sure but I was more excited about university life than setting up home. I adore my partner but he never really wanted me to leave the city to study, in truth the main reason I stayed was because my mum was pregnant and at the time alone. If I had left certainly I wasn’t about to abandon my relationship but I do wonder what would have become of us. Looking around I don’t think I’m all that young to settle, most of my friends and classmates already had mortgages and children years ago, I feel more like the odd one out for not.

How do people react when they see you are settling down at a young age? Do you find people are surprised? Do you think there is some kind of stigma attached to those that have decided to go ‘against the grain’ of partying and wild abandon?!?

Thank you Martin I like all this talk of young! I think people are more surprised that we have been together for the length of time we have more than our ages now we are a little older.

This stigma was never really a problem for me as having a long term partner even as a teenager never meant a complete end to going out with friends and having fun. Had we never met I doubt I would have ever been a wild partier anyway, I am far to introverted for that. There are those who make spiteful comments which does bemuse me a little as I am not trying to prove a point or appear as virtuous or smug. I just find little point in acting on some suggestions for me to play the field; maybe I am missing something but why leave a happy relationship!

Does ‘settling down’ involve having children any time soon?

Oh gawd not another one! I am asked this question quite frequently but while I’m not really all that maternal that’s not to say I won’t ever have a child, just not quite yet.

Thank Chatterbox for this one: When it comes to freelance design projects, how do you correlate what your clients have in mind with your own artistic aptitude?

I have to set the reins with this most of the time but this is for the benefit of the project as a whole, my earlier work was mostly about the design while content and site purpose came secondary and looking back now I think it shows in the overall usability. I like to take my time now to find out what the client wants to gain from their web presence and gather as much information as possible; the design needs to fit the purpose of the website and sometimes this means sacrificing certain design elements I may have included.

What part of your life makes you the happiest right now?

I feel like I am in a good place, everything might not be perfect there is still plenty to achieve but I have good relationships with my family & friends and I feel positive about the future.

What part of your life do you find the most challenging right now?

The weeks when I am working from home can be tough as some of my family seem to equate this with sat at home doing nothing and will expect me to run their errands. I am far too nice and easy going to set them straight so I would probably say assertiveness is real challenge for me.

Name one thing you love about Female Forum

We are all just so close as a community and I love that, we have developed so much beyond these threads even following each other on twitter and facebook. I have never been part of an online community that is so close.

What could Female Forum do to become an even better community? You can’t say ‘Nothing’!

I think as a fairly new community a little dedication from us members has gone a long way, so far we seem to be going from strength to strength so we just need to keep up our good work.

Finally, which member of Female Forum should we interview next and what’s the one major question you would like us to ask her?

I am going to nominate Cat for the hot seat next; Cat is a talented photographer but has made a bold change to study for a career in medical admin, I would like to ask if she feels a sense of loss after deciding to no longer pursue her original dream of an artistic career?

Thanks for your time and for a very personal and honest interview, kezflake. Oh and Cat - don’t go answering your question until we get your interview sorted out!!

Female Forum Member - Chatterbox

2009-09-15T15:59:25+00:00

Today we interview Chatterbox - currently our official ‘Twitterer’!

So you go by the name of Chatterbox, yet you’re third in our top posters list. Do you think that perhaps we should give your member name over to Souxi?!? In all seriousness - is there any particular story behind that name?

LOL… Is that a hint to post more Martin?! My name relates to content rather than context. Souxi has a gift and is well structured and defined in what she writes, much more laconic, whereas my verbosity tends to get in the way of what I’m wanting to express. The name comes from my verbosity and the propensity I have to repeat myself (like a parrot). It’s something I find hard to ‘turn off’ in normal conversations.

You’re a freelance writer - this seems to be an increasingly popular profession amongst women these days; particularly stay at home mothers. How did you get into this field?

Writing allows the freedom for the creativity of ourselves to flow. My passion is words (The dictionary is my favourite book!) and finding a way to put them together and creating a vision for the reader, is so amazingly fulfilling. Creating a scene through word, is to me the same as an artist painting a picture. While I’d never pictured myself as a writer or author, my mother said some encouraging words in my twenties that healed an enormous chasm in me and it gave me the confidence to do something with my writing. My greatest dream and the ultimate gift for me, would be to have one of my children’s stories published and to have someone else’s child want to have one of my stories read to them at bedtime.

Poetry is an important part of your life - how did this come about?

Again, poetry has always allowed a creative aspect to my life. You’re in another world when you paint a picture in this manner. The vision you have in your mind is put on a canvas and illustrated through the use of language. I particularly like using analogies and metaphors to bring life into my poetry. To read a poem and then read it out loud with all the inflection of the voice, brings life and character to a bunch of words that ordinarily wouldn’t say as much. It all came about by studying poetry in school and finding a deeper recess of myself and how much life can be experienced beautifully even in tragedy. A poet expressing something tragic is made beautiful, simply in the use of words. I’d never have thought before taking a real interest in poetry, that something extraordinarily sad could be so incredibly beautiful.

You have four children - how on earth do you cope with raising a family and being a freelance writer at the same time?

My children are all adults now but even before this, I wrote. I tended to stay up all hours to get my writing done – the proverbial insomniac. It used to be in the quiet hours of the night that I could find the mental space in order to write; now I have that space in more suitable hours, lol. It was good though when the kids were close by, as I had a sounding board for what I’d written. Kids are great critics!

It seems that most of your education is focused around human development issues - why does this field interest you so much?

My life changed dramatically at the age of 14 when I found myself a mother and basically homeless a year later. From there life became one of survival and existence rather than having any essence to it. It was many years of struggle and trying to be accepted for who I was, rather than what I represented in the eyes of others. It taught me that it is very easy to judge another when we are not walking in their shoes. This led me to later on, taking in troubled kids and giving them a place in which they were understood and not judged. I became their voice when they couldn’t find their own and I gave them direction to be what they were inside, rather than be distracted by the judgments of others. I worked for many years with disabled children as well. It has always been important to me to help others find their way when the world seems so dramatic and at times unjustifiably pre-judgmental. I wanted to help those who couldn’t always help themselves.

Who is your biggest inspiration and why?

Children are my biggest inspiration as well as normal, everyday people. There is a strength in children to get through all manner of experiences that most adults wouldn’t manage to find their way through. They are so resilient and still able to find a smile no matter how bad things are. They look at the world through very different eyes and it is that vision that I love so much about them. You look into their eyes and there’s a little flame glowing in there and you can’t help but find your own light in it. It is inspiring! Everyday people inspire me. The one’s who get up and do what they’ve got to do despite what they have in their experience. I find most people who have it hard are the ones who find that inner strength and courage to keep going and they find their own inner inspiration and prosperity. They find their joy in the simple things, with their families and their communities and it is inspiring to be a part of the lives of such wonderful human beings.

Do you feel that you are currently experiencing a period of reflection in your life? Has this helped you reconcile your past and what are you looking forward to in the future?

Most definitely! I’ve been seeing a very different aspect to life over the last 10 years and it has just kept growing. Life is what we make of it and if we choose to find life sad it is only sadness we have in our lives. Reflection is the perfect expression as we also are a reflection of our way of thinking. When we close our mind we can’t see the beautifulness in every day events. When we open our mind and eyes truly to realize we can choose to see differently, we have the opportunity to change the way we experience everything. We reflect to others what is inside us and I think it’s important to keep tabs on what we are reflecting. While my past can still arouse tears at times, I see it very differently now. Without the events of my past I’d not be who I am today and looking at it through these eyes I see how beautiful it was. I’m not the reflection of the anger and judgment or sadness of the past, my reflection comes from hope and love, compassion and encouragement through the experience it enabled me, and I’m incredibly grateful for it. I recently lost a bit of my way and have found it again with the help of some of our Female Forum members. I’m looking forward to sharing my journey more with others in the form of my writing and my life consultancy business in helping others find their inner directions with renewed vigor and passion.

You do a great job on Female Forum of offering advice to those looking for help and support. Do you find yourself adopting the role of advice giver in ‘real life’ too? Why do you think you adopted this role and why do you think people approach you for advice?

Thank you, I take that as an enormous compliment. The people on this forum are enormously giving. They not only give advice when its asked for but they give of themselves in all that they share. It’s a wonderful backdrop to experiencing through others and learning alongside them as well as from them. We all have so very different yet similar experiences and Female Forum enables us to develop our sense of community within the world spectrum. It’s a shared role on the forum and one where I too can go for help and support when I need it. I have been sharing and counseling for several years not only as a business but through groups I’ve been involved with over the years. I’m just drawn to helping others see a different aspect to life and finding themselves within life itself. Realizing peace is a state of mind not an emotion, was a turning point for me. I just want to share that with others.

Thank Souxi for this one: What’s it like living in Australia with those extreme temperatures? How do you cope with all the natural hazards out there like bushfires?

Like any other country it just becomes a way of life. Being Australian I don’t see the temperatures as being extreme because I’m used to it, for me it’s the best of both worlds. Where I am, in Queensland, we have cold nights and warm days in winter and the heat in summer.

We don’t get the rain that Melbourne does or as cold, we basically have year round sun, which is lovely. The climate ranges in Australia from tropical, arid and temperate. So it’s very diverse. At times the bushfires can be horrendous in the Southern states and the cyclones in the Northern states and while it may seem as though our life revolves around these natural disasters, they aren’t as frequent as it seems. Life goes on and you rebuild if you need to. Each occurrence brings about better design in the building structures themselves to cope with the climate and be more sustainable. I would find it more difficult to live in the Tornado Alley in the US where the tornado’s are a regular occurrence but can only go on reports, until you’ve experienced it you can’t know if it is as scary as you imagine.

What part of your life makes you the happiest right now?

Finding peace for myself in my relationships and being a grandmother. There is nothing quite like the excitement of children who are so happy to see you. Just makes me glow!

What part of your life do you find the most challenging right now?

Hmm… self discipline to work when all I want to do is play with the new internet tools I’ve been given. I am thoroughly enjoying the experience of Twittering and blogging. I need to find the discipline to fit that in with work rather than fit work into the spaces in between play .

Name one thing you love about Female Forum

I love the community aspect of it. We’re all so different and yet we can share opinions and views openly. Everyone’s opinions are appreciated and valued. It’s so nice to be able to hear what someone has to say and look at things from another perspective and offer your view and no one take an opinion personally. No matter what our perspective is we are all accepted as we are and that’s lovely!

What could Female Forum do to become an even better community? You can’t say ‘Nothing’!

Ooh, I think to keep building on the foundations as they are. Why change what works – when you can simply keep building on what is working. These interviews are great as well, in that they allow us to know each other on a deeper level… ‘The inside story’.

Finally, which member of Female Forum should we interview next and what’s the one major question you would like us to ask her?

Kezflake. I’d like to know how she goes about correlating what her clients have in mind and meeting the needs of her clients with her own artistic aptitude. I imagine she finds artistic license through incorporating her unique artistic ability into the websites she creates.

Thanks for your time and for a really insightful interview, Chatterbox - oh and Kezflake, don’t go answering CB’s question until I contact you for an interview!

Inspirational Women - Tawnya Jonsek

2009-08-06T20:00:51+00:00

Today, we interview Tawnya Jonsek - a blogger, writer and mother who decided to radically change the way she lives her life. I think she is an inspiration to all of us who worry that it’s ‘too late’ for us to change the direction of our lives.

On your blog, you write that you had an awakening when you turned 30. Can you tell us more about that?

I think there was something about turning 30 in and of itself. I’d had many dreams for myself as a teenager. I was evaluating my life and thinking about all the things I had yet to accomplish and asking serious questions about why I hadn’t. What I realized is I had at some point started living in what was safe and what would please other people. I was shorting myself by not being true to what I really wanted from life. I decided I needed to start making changes, albeit slow, to get back to living for myself. The words ‘To thine own self be true’ took on new meaning for me.

Would you say that before you had your awakening you were unhappy with your life? If so, did it really take an awakening for you to realise this?

Yes I was unhappy. I’d already divorced once which is unpleasant enough. The second time I married a man I’d dated in high school thinking what he appeared to be as a teenager was how he was a man. It was a wrong assumption.

Some women may read your blog and worry that an awakening or radical examination of their lives may lead to turmoil. For example, I got the impression that your awakening was at least partially responsible for your divorce. Can intense examinations and eagerness for change actually be bad?

Not at all. What the awakening did for me, and it wasn’t instantaneous, was allowed me to see how wonderful I really am. And I don’t mean that in a bragging sort of way. I had always undervalued myself and accepted being treated poorly. So, this awakening opened my eyes to that fact and the idea that as a human being I had value and worth and deserved to be respected and loved. This wasn’t what I was experiencing in my marriage. I spent the next two years trying to work out my marriage. In the end, he was unwilling, or unable, to treat me any better. It was difficult but we both decided we really weren’t suited to each other and to spare our children pain of living in a tumultuous home, we started the divorce proceedings.

While the divorce itself is painful, I’m empowered by the idea that I don’t have to allow a man to disrespect me. Without going into many details of what went wrong or what he did, I can say his treatment, the words he said and his actions were much more painful than the divorce. Both men and women I confided in told me he’d been emotionally and verbally abusive. I know he wouldn’t agree with that but as I analyzed everything I realized his behavior wasn’t healthy and it was harming me and warping the perspective our children would have someday of how relationships should work.

So, while divorce may be negative, the end result - me, healthy, happy and our children seeing us interact in a neutral, civil tone is not negative. Not everyone who analyzes their life will end up in divorce. And not everyone with an unhappy marriage will either. In my situation, my husband was unwilling to stop his behavior.

You are among the growing ranks of female bloggers. Why do you think blogging is so popular amongst women?

Blogging gives us a voice. It’s a creative outlet and bloggers have a sense of community amongst themselves. Community, relationships, talking, discussing, analyzing - these are the things that give most women pleasure.

Why do you blog? For business? For your own personal development? How does your blog fit into your future plans and your ‘awakening’?

My blog started as an outlet. I wanted to write. I’ve always wanted to write. I saw it as a way to force myself to write regularly. As for my future, I’ve decided to blog as candidly as I feel possible about the journey I’m on to help other women. I’ve had emails, comments and tweets from others saying how my blog is helping them get through their own struggles. This makes it worth it.

I decided for a year not to date. It’s a perfect time to heal, to gain strength and learn to enjoy my own company. I wrote about planting my own rose garden - doing and being to myself what I’d always wanted from a man. Not to negate what having a healthy relationship can bring, but to recognize that, in the past, I’d been susceptible to men with less than honorable intentions because I needed to be told I was worthwhile. So, when they came around, I eventually got hurt. If I can approach a relationship from the aspect that I know I am worthy and treat myself kind, then I can see more clearly about the potential of a relationship. And also be a much better partner when the time comes.

I see so many of my girlfriends, and at one time I was one of them, who are so afraid of being alone they accept whatever a man does. I hope with my journey and my words I can help other women get to the point where they are no longer afraid of being without a man and can wait and demand the respect and love they deserve.

Do you think women are more susceptible to feeling pressured to live their lives in order to please others?

I think mankind in general is susceptible to it. Women, however, approach it from a different motivation. We tend to value relationships and how others view us in that aspect. Because of this, we do things to please other people and often sacrifice what we want or need for someone else. It’s for preservation of relationships. Men are usually more motivated by performance and success. So, the motivation is different. We are all susceptible and some more so based on personality. I don’t think gender in itself is the reason.

Do you think women in society are now taking more risks (personal and professional). If so, why do you think this change is taking place?

I think overall we are and it’s a result of having the freedom to do so. It wasn’t that long ago we didn’t even have the right to vote or enter into contracts without a male guardian. So - a door that was closed to us for almost all of history is now open. It is taking a while and we are, as a group, working out the details but it is happening. It’s too bad it isn’t happening everywhere in the world.

You mention on your blog that you felt you lost your individuality when you married. Do you think this is a common occurrence? Is losing your individual identity inevitable when a woman marries? If not, what advice can you offer to women to ensure they continue to have their own life within a partnership?

It is common because women tend to be the caretakers of other people. We care for our husbands, our children, extended families - and we rarely take time to care for ourselves. When you neglect yourself, you forget who you are or why you are important. Sometimes, to enhance another relationship, marriage for instance, we stop doing things that bring us pleasure because we want to put all our energy into another person. It’s not healthy.

What is healthy is to remember to take time caring for yourself - through hobbies, time with friends, pampering oneself. And when I say pampering, I don’t mean something exorbitant. I mean a cup of tea in the afternoon or a bubble bath in the evening or a time spent with a book. A woman should also be honest about what is important to her and not give up on whatever that may be. The key is to find balance between children, husbands, friends and family, career and other things in life.

Do you think it is ever too late to make an effort to change your life? When are you ‘too old’ for a career change? When have you been married ‘too long’ to shake the boat and try to change the terms of your relationship with your partner?

I think it’s too late when they are dropping the dirt on your casket. In other words, if you see the need for change - any change - it isn’t too late to go for it.

Finally, what are your plans for the future? Indeed, do you even plan for the future anymore or do you just take life as it comes?

Well short term - I plan to take one year at least to heal and care for myself. I have a list of things I want to do and give myself. Some, like going to the movies alone, I’ve already done. It was a bit unnerving at first, but I felt empowered by the idea that I liked myself so much that I could enjoy my own company. Other things are gradual, like improving my finances or learning to trust my intuition. I also intend to move forward as a writer. As part of that, I have two novels in the works and must now decide which one comes first! I also intend to blog about this experience.

Long term, I plan on developing my skills as a writer and moving forward with it as my career (and passion) and providing a stable home for my children. I talk a lot about me, but I am no different from other moms. My children are the love of my life and even the motivation for divorce was based on what was ultimately best and healthiest for them. So, my children play a big part in the future. When and whom I date, where I live and when I write all will be balanced by what is best for me and my children.

Thank you for your time and for sharing your insights and new life philosophy with us, Tawnya. I truly believe you are an inspiration to us all.

Female Forum Member - Souxi

2009-07-28T19:25:20+00:00

Today, we interview Souxi - our longest standing member, and currently our top poster.

You’ve got an interesting user name - any particular story behind it?

Well back in the late 1970’s there was a punk band called Souxi and the Banshees. I used to like punk and I thought her name was unusual so that’s why I chose it.

You’ve been married for 23 years! What’s your secret?

Errrm I’m not sure really. We don’t really argue much about anything, after all this time there doesn’t seem to be much point. I haven’t got any big secret to a long marriage. We just seem to muddle along nicely. One thing that does happen when you have been married a long time is that you often find that you think the same thought at the same time. Spooky that!

How old are your children? Do you find they consume the majority of your time? Is it possible to be a mother and an individual at the same time?

My children are 21, 15, and 11. Yes they do take up a lot of my time for various reasons, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I guess once you become a mum your “individuality” seems to take a backseat and your children become the focus of your life.

You come across as a keen reader with a particular interest in horror books. This is quite unusual amongst women, surely? Or is it just a stereotype that states only men enjoy that genre?

When I was younger, about 11 I suppose, my dad would often work nights on a Friday and Saturday, (he was a policeman) so once he’d gone, mum would let me come downstairs and watch the double bill of horror on BBC2. There was always an old black and white movie and a good old Hammer Horror with Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. I just had an active imagination as a kid and horror stories/films just fascinated me. I love to be scared! That’s why I love programmes like Most Haunted I suppose. I’d love to stay at a spooky house for the night, with friends of course, I’m not that brave!

If you had to give up all your existing hobbies and stick with just one, which would it be and why?

If I had to give up my hobbies and stick with just one I’d pick writing because I really enjoy creating new stories. It helps to keep what little grey matter I have left active!

You’ve written a couple of articles for Female Forum, and a few more are awaiting publication. What got you into writing, and do you have any plans to develop this into a career or money maker?

One thing I was always good at when I was at school was English. It was one of my favourite subjects. I learnt to read at an early age, and my love of writing stemmed from that I think. I used to get so carried away writing stories at school that my teacher would write: “paragraphs” down the side of my work. I was so immersed in my story, they didn’t seem important. LOL Yes it’s always been my ambition to have work published and I’m working on that.

At the end of your articles for Female Forum, you say your philosophy is to always look on the bright side of life. Give us an example of how you do that.

Well I learnt a long time ago that it’s pretty pointless to worry about things. What will be will be. I always try to think that there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter what, and that good things come to those who wait. Life is too short to spend it worrying about things.

What part of your life makes you the happiest right now?

My children.

What part of your life do you find the most challenging right now?

Dealing with my son’s health problems.

Name one thing you love about Female Forum

I love the members. They are some of the friendliest ladies I have ever come across. Always willing to listen and give you good advice when you need it. I am proud to know them.

What could Female Forum do to become an even better community? You can’t say ‘Nothing’!

Oh that’s a tough question! Well I know from reading your blog that you have yet more ideas for Female, and I certainly think that they will help to make Female even better. If we can keep encouraging more members to join us, by spreading the word then Female will just keep growing until it’s the best on line community for women out there. Not that it isn’t already! wink

Finally, which member of Female Forum should we interview next and what’s the one major question you would like us to ask her?

I think CB should be next on the block! wink I’d like to ask her what it’s like living in Australia in the extreme temperatures that they face, and ask how they cope with the many hazards they face, such as bush fires when it gets really hot.

Thanks for your time, Souxi - oh and CB, don’t go answering Souxi’s question until I contact you for an interview!