Female Forum

Long-distance relationship

2010-03-11T07:55:40+00:00

And by long distance, I mean, he lives in Mumbai, India and I live in Illinois. We’re separated by, not just oceans, but a whole planet.

We’ve been together for 7 months now. And it’s not like a typical teenage online romance, or anything. Our relationship is just as normal as any other relationship, just that...we can’t touch each other.

Anyways, on to the point of this topic.

Even after only seven months, we both know we want to truly be together. Because of cultural things on his end, we all decided (we meaning, me, him, and his family whom I get along great with) that it would be best if I were to move there. And of course, I would have reserve money with me, in case anything doesn’t work out and I felt the need to return to the US.

The only difficult thing is this:

My parents (my grandparents, but they raised me) don’t take us seriously. Not one ounce. His family is extremely eager to see me and him together in person. His mother was skeptical of our relationship at first, but finally understands and sees that we truly do care for each other.

But everytime I so much as mention his name in this house, my grandmother rolls her eyes and tells me to hang up the call (we videocall everyday) and that my first priority is to keep her house clean. Which I do everyday, without a fuss.

As for my grandpa, he thinks it’s funny to throw around racial slurs and jokes against him. I cannot stand it, so I simply don’t mention him around my grandfather.

But it is decided, that this year, I am moving to Mumbai. I’m soon to be 20 years old, so it isn’t like they can tell me no. But my problem is, I have no idea how I’m going to tell this to them, without getting yelled at. I know my mother and my sisters will be uncomfortable with the idea, but will support us no matter what.

But my grandparents...I just want them to see that I’m finally happy with a man who has his head on straight, much unlike my ex-fiance (whom I will be more than happy to get away from). My grandmother asks me, why I want to move to “such a poor country”. Yes, I understand, India isn’t quite as...rich, as we might be. But it isn’t like he lives in the slums. He lives just north of Mumbai, in a very nice part of the city.One of the most spoken languages is English, with the other two being Marathi and Hindi, which I’m learning. It’s not like I’m going into this blindly.

I just want some advice on how I can tell my parents that I’m moving to India this year, without them flipping out on me. I’ve tried showing them photo’s of where he lives, but then they saw a special on TV about india, and what does it do? Focused on the slums.

I don’t want to wait until the last day, to tell them. But I know that if I tell them before hand, they’ll try everything to keep me here. Any advice, please?

Note: Yeah, I talk too much, I know. Extra cool points to anyone who reads all of that, lol.

Help please?!

2010-03-08T20:30:19+00:00

So my fiance’s ex-fiance has suddenly showed up in CA. She lives 3000 miles from here but all of the sudden shows up 20 minutes from us. She has been trying to get back with him for years and I don’t know quite how to feel. She showed up yesterday and e-mailed every account he has (myspace, facebook, yahoo, hotmail, g-mail) texted him probably 30 times and left him about 3 voicemails. I got annoyed and asked him why he didn’t just tell her to leave him alone and he kept saying “I’m not ready to talk to her, maybe later.” Now I know maybe that doesn’t seem so bad to most but to me that is a warning flag.

Unfortunately this is not the first woman from his past that has come back to haunt me. Given the way he did handle it in the past scares the shit out of me. I can’t really say he cheated on me but he said some things to her that was basically emotionally cheating. He would say things like “I miss you too honey” or the one that really got to me “I will always love you”. Now i know most of you are saying why did you stick around? Well he changed and cut ties with her as soon as I expressed the hurt it caused.

I know… if he changed then why am I worried this time? He is just going about it the same way he did in the past, instead of talking to her in front of me he puts it off until he is at work and then he will call her, just like last time. When I come near his phone he gets super paranoid and that is what makes me want to look. Normally I never feel the need to invade his privacy but when he acts suspicious it gives me the urge to snoop. He has been pretty open about how he feels and that he won’t go see her without my consent but it doesn’t feel right.

Anyways this is long enough, my question is… Am I being too paranoid? Do I seem over jealous? And what advice to you have to handle this situation?

Sad but relieved by the end of my marraige

2010-02-27T22:41:10+00:00

I’m not sure why I feel the need to share this but I do.
I met my husband nearly 12 years ago, he is the nicest guy i had ever met. He did not make my heart skip a beat but he was safe. 4.5 years ago, we had our daughter then married a year later, the reason for getting married was a selfish one on my part. I wanted us all to have the same surname (social stigma). My husband just went along with it but told me a year later that he didn’t want to get married but didn’t say anything! Basically, since just before the wedding date, we have not had sex, therefor, never consumated the marraige. my husband avoided penetration but was quite happy to perform & receive foreplay. I have asked every question imaginable & been through ever emotion possible and am still unaware of the real cause because he refuses to talk about it. He is the sort to ignore it and it will go away. After about a year, I found out that he had gone to a strip club on his own, this was a bit of a kick in the teeth for me & my confidence. We attended psychosexual therapy with relate but my husband sat looking bored & said “don’t know” to any questions asked at home or in the sessions. After 4 months he stopped the therapy with no real reason. I was distraught but decided to stay with him cos I loved him & he is not a bad person, after all, it could be worse. It then talked him into going to hypnotherapy to give me the answer I needed. That was 6 weeks ago, having weekly sessions together. I was hypnotised yesterday with my husband in the room, within 5 hours I had finally come to my senses. The reason I wanted to be with him was for the sake of our daughter, financial security (although I am financially independant and have always paid half of absolutely everything including the mortgage) and pure determination not to fail.

I’m a little sad to say that I lost the battle but am sure we will remain the friendswe have always been. I thought about my emotional roller coaster & can only describe it like this:

If our marraige was a dead child, I have been treading water with that child in the desperate hope that it would come back to life. I had become tired of treading water and it was time to let that child go peacefully & swim back to shore to get on with the next chapter of my life. What I am trying to say is that my marraige has died but I am still her to carry on & at 37, I have a lot of life still to live.

I’m sure my current sadness will disappear in time & we can be therefor our beautiful daughter.

Cheating husband of 4 months

2010-03-05T01:54:04+00:00

Well my husband of 4 months cheated on me before we even got married. I just found out 3 weeks ago.I love my husband with all my heart this is my first marriage and it is his 3RD. 1ST Was a divorce and 2nd was that his wife pasted away. He is very much older then me but we just clicked right away. We were together for 3 months got engaged and 9 months later we were married. His family and mine were all for it. And I was( am) in love with him. I want our marriage to work out. I just don’t know how to get over this and that i will not hate him for what he was done. So please help me out on this one i am very confused and hurt by all of this.

letting go

2010-02-14T17:21:07+00:00

My ex husband lied, cheated, & left me when I needed him the most. We were together forever & had a wonderful life for a very long time prior to this. Now he is always tracking me & sure that I’m with other men, I have no interest in that btw. He will not leave me alone & I let him back in sometimes because he’ll be so nice & like he used to be. He always returns to the jealous, controlling, violent person he has turned in to. I still love him & am obsessed with thoughts of him being with other women. I need help & advice on how to move on & let this go. I am miserable.

Am I wrong to be suspicious?

2009-09-29T23:23:22+00:00

Some months ago I discovered my husband was texting and phoning the wife of a guy he works with. When confronted, he said they were just good friends and he felt sorry for her because her marriage was experiencing problems and she had no-one else to talk to. I asked him why he has kept it a secret from me, and he said because he thought I would be jealous and angry if I knew. I am far more upset that he didnt tell me. I am having trouble getting past this, I believe if there is nothing to hide, that people dont hide things. I also have to admit, I read some of his text messages, and although they weren’t the kind you would expect to read between lovers, they were texts he wouldnt have wanted me to see.
Apart from this issue, we have a very good marriage, but I find that my trust in him is affected, and its eating me up. I don’t like to mistrust him, but I feel this is a matter of betrayal.
I would appreciate any feedback from you ladies. Am I over-reacting? Should I let go of this, and if so, how?

Realizations about childhood and impact on adult life

2010-02-09T16:09:21+00:00

I’m happily married, and having realizations about my childhood and the abuses I sustained. I’m having a hard time in my day to day life right now. I have a great female therapist, but 40 minutes a week isn’t cutting it for me. I have a lot of pain and feel very isolated with these thoughts and feelings.

Back in the day if ignorant bliss, I kept myself super busy, always moving, and never allowed true thinking to enter into my life. Now, I feel like I have no other choice.

I sit thinking off into space, blowing off all of the things I could be doing because I know that I must face this unhappy reality of my past, to have the ability to move forward. I just don’t feel well.

What sparked all of this you may ask? I had an affair. Yes, stupid! Not only did I have an affiar, but this since I did, I have had vaginal bleeding issues. I have seen my gyno and he tells me that perhaps my pill is causing this. At any rate, I think the abusive relations with this man caused a lot of unpleasant memories to surface.

I have talked with my mom and explained that things are bothering me lately, and we cannot talk as frequently as we had in the past.

I’m trying to acknowledge my inner child and be at peace, but I just feel like crying.

I have two friends that I can turn to, but one is burned out with work and the other lives a distance away.

My husband knows everytbing! Yes! I mean everything AND he is standing by me. He understands the impact of abuse and what it has caused in my life. Now, please don’t yell at me, I know that it doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it explains it quite a bit.

I’m here because I truly don’t know where else to turn. I don’t feel ready to open up to a religious figure, for obvious reasons, I can’t open up to my mom, and I can’t turn to friends who may not understand.

I know that I will continue to isolate during this period of discovery in my life, but I just need others to turn to. I need to know that I am not alone. I need to feel a part of something. I need to stop feeling ill physically.

I have fears that due to this mans size, I may have a hernia, and now I am feeling really sick.

I don’t want contact with this man. I wish he’d drop off the face of the earth. I’ve told him that I don’t want him to contact me and I told him I don’t even have a desire for a friendship. He was abusive with his relations with me, and although I have learned many very important lessons here, I am in pain in many ways.

There is much more to my story, but I just needed to get this out and hopefully get some input from other women. Hopefully feel some sort of fellowship and just stop feeling alone.

I thank you for reading this.

Is 15 years age difference too much?? I’m 24..

2009-10-09T06:32:16+00:00

So, I’m sure some people may remember me from earlier posts about this guy..
I finally did it..
I just woke up one morning and was like....’wtf...’ ‘i need to break up with him!’
So i talked about it with some of my girlfriends, and then, i just did it.. broken up.. over, done, end of story.
it was painless.
almost suspiciously too easy..
anyway.. that is out of the way.. there isn’t really anything to ‘get over’ because i pretty much didn’t like him after 6 months.. blah blah blah..
anyways..

so, my REAL question.. there is a guy.. that I really like.. and he rEAAALLLY likes me.. sweet, complimentary, just.. omg passionate and sexy.cute.. oooh he is just GENUINE.

he told me that he has had a crush on me for a looooong time.. and i did too, when i was in plays and he would play music for the shows..

but the thing is.. he is 15 years older than me!!!!
that kind of freaks me out.
I’m 24.. hes 39.....

how bad is that?
he seems to know about relationships and isn’t trying to be all pushy.. he really seems to care about my feelings and know what to and not to do.. .
but.. still..
15 years??
The last guy i dated was 8 years older than me… but 15??
I need someone to help me with this one..
the perils!!!
nothing is EVER ‘just right’..

A year ago today….

2010-02-20T06:59:57+00:00

A year ago, you chose to die
beneath the trees so bare
As children where we laughed and played
Now sorrow brings us there

and the in shade
neath moist dark soil
your ashes now they lie
leaving us with naught but tears
forever asking ..why?

For my brother for whom life became too much 20 feb 2009..

I miss you little one

I don’t want to hurt him

2010-02-12T00:33:35+00:00

Hi. I’m a 20 year old female who is very confused right now. Any advice would be great

I’ve been with my partner Tim for two years now. We have a distance relationship (about 1 and a half hour commute) which he does the travelling every time unless I go to see him on the train. We’re panning on gettin a house together September 2010. I have feelings for him but I don’t know if it’s love. I think it was a security thing because he’s 24, ready for a proper relationship. I’ve told him I love him and he often talks about marriage which I respond to. I am at university so obviously this isn’t going to happen any time soon.

And then there is Jack. I’ve known him for 7 years but I’ve never met him as we live about 250 miles away from each other. We’ve been falling out a lot recently because we’ve been trying to arrange a meeting and something always comes up and we get frustrated. We had a real bust up recently. Some things were said that shouldn’t have been said. Anyway, since this bust up, I haven’t stopped checking my phone, crying, thinking about him. He won’t respond to any of my emails, texts, phone calls. He’s told me he loves me before and I just am having some very heavy emotions with him and I don’t know if it’s love obviously because I’ve never met him. But I always wonder what it would be like to meet him, be with him, kiss him. I sort of feel like I’m cheating.

But I don’t even know if anything would come of it. Tim has no idea about this. He knows I have a friend Jack who I want to meet. He was okay with this. I’m just waiting for myself to cry in front of him because of Jack or be down and he’ll wonder why…

I don’t have the heart to break up with Tim. I’m his second girlfriend and he is so in love with me. Expecially with the distance I wouldn’t know how to. I don;t even know if Jack will forgive and start talking to me again but I feel lost without him. I even had to stop myself from gettin a train to where he lives, ringing him and saying ‘I’m here. What are you going to do about it?’

Any general advice would be good.