Female Forum

I’m having issues with my family at the moment. They have the appearence of being the perfect family but are completely dysfuntional. My dad is emotionally abusive and has spent a lifetime verbally and emotionally battering us all. My older siblings had no way of coping and merely kept quiet and tolerated it just as my mum did feeling they had no choice. I however was always on the periphery and could see things objectively from a very young age. I used to protest and defend my older siblings but was never able to do the same for myself. I was labelled a rebel and was isolated further from the family. I ended up being vulnerable and repeatedly abused in life. I’m now at a point where I am unable to work lacking confidence and as a result of depression and ongoing physical ailments - a consequence of being battered by multiple people- i am trapped living under their roof having neither the financial means nor the knowledge to help me get out. While I can see what is going on I am incredibly vulnerable to predators still and dont have the faith that i can go it alone. I know that when I try to, my family who wont provide guidance or support will be waiting for me to fail reminding me that I can’t do anything without them hence must remain under their control. They label me as the rebel, the trouble maker, the nuts one who is spoiling the family. What i see and my counsellors have agreed is that they are in denial about the abuse in their lives and it serves their purposes to make a scapegoat out of me and blame me for the discontent in the family instead of taking responsibility for it themselves. I feel completely abandoned by them and despite giving my all to them emotinally and financially I have had no support back. I have no friends as from an early age any frinedships were discouraged as a way of isolating me and I am still not able to judge people effectively.

I have after 36 years finally given up on my family. I realise they will not support me or guide me in any way but will continue to blame, ridicule and use me for their own ends.

I have noone to seek guidance from. I just wondered if anyone could provide advice about basic advisory services that might help me with finding and buying a place to live, help getting work, in fact anything that can help me go out in the world and be supported without being vulnerable to predators.

Hiya,

Your story kind of rang a bell with me, only replace your verbally abusive father with my mother (&later;joined by my brother)and that would have been right for my family.

but i too was a bit like you

periphery and could see things objectively from a very young age

I now have nothing to do with my mother or brother, my mother has been out of my life for about 9 years and my brother alot longer than that. This as left mine a rather dysfunctional family, my sister was the one trying to cut her wrists even although she was away at college in london at the height of the troubles(so im not sure what that was all about) and is good friends with my brother and can see very little wrong with that, but she has mental issues. I as i say lived thru the lot, at its worst and heard things from my mother that no daughter should, but i feel i must be quite level headed or something because i think ive come out the other side ok, i met my husband on a dating site , we have settled down and have a nice life together. The only thing i lack is confidence, esp where work/jobs are invloved (a bit like you i guess).

im lucky that ive fallen on my feet i guess with a good husband and a nice home which tolerate zero arguments (only disscussions).

From what you have said you you are still in contact with them all?, i know alot of people will shoot me down for saying this, but the best thing i ever did was loose contact with them, to the point where i had to ignore constant telephone calls from my mother, calls which would only ever end in arguments and cutting her off. I dont think its ever going to help you.

i have to admit i have never used this service myself, but have you tried citizens Advice to see what they can suggest for you?. Very few people these days can afford to buy a place to live but once you have a job you can certainly rent. I know from personal experience that finding a job isnt easy, although they are out there- it depends what you want to do? (or in my case what would be ok to do).

Im sure the others on here will have more advice for you, hopefully more helpful than mine, hope you stay around on here as we’re a good bunch, it might help.

Hi Zadie. I am so sorry you are going through such a terrible time right now. Have you thought of contacting Womens Aid? They can offer you allsorts of help and advice.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Give them a try and please let us know how you get on. We are all here for you at any time so please remember that. Your not alone ok?

Take care. xx

Hi Zadie,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your family. I have heard from many people, including some of my own personal experience, that the first step is to realise that there is a problem, and you have done this. This is very brave of you and very curageous.

I found this website which might be of help to you. On the left, there is a support tab and it has contact numbers for the UK and the USA. I thought this might be helpful, I’m not sure if you are in the UK or USA.

Here is a link to the website: HAVOCA

I hope that this might help.

We are all here for you and please know that you are a wonderful person, and you only deserve happiness in the world. I have found that unfortunately we cannot choose our family, but we can choose our friends. And you should realise that there are a lot more good people in the world than horrible people.

We are all here for you on the forum, and I hope that our advice has helped you.

Flutterby.
x

Hi Zadie,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think it is very brave of you to have come out and spoken the truth.

I hope you can believe in yourself that, when you do decide to take this further and totally move out, you will find support. You are sure to find friends out there who will be there for you, unlike how your family has been.

Please trust that things can only get better when you move on and move forward.

I wish you the best. Please hang in there.