Female Forum

I know I cross over some lines with my question. So I need to explain why I’m asking this.

I’m in my 40’s, last weekend I went out with my girlfriends (all the same age as me).. eventhough we don’t judge each others, what they do, what they do when they are drunk etc, I’m asking your opinion. You girls (especially in your 40’s), have you always been faithful...?

I have been with my (now) husband since I was 18 and I can swear I have never had sex with anyone else.

However, in my line of work, (majority are male) that’s very rare - the people I work with, well, let’s just say some of them ‘do the rounds’

It’s a case of what they do is up to them, it gets discussed amongst the group, but nothing goes any further. Mind you - one guy was fired few years back, and lifted the lid on the whole lot - wrote letters to varous partners spilling all the secrets!!! Luckily I had nothing to worry about lol

I try not to judge...but I have questioned one or two people regarding their morals....like one guy who’s wife had just given birth to their 4th child and he was having sex with a 19 year old on a weekend away....but when it comes down to it, it’s their life and their choice so I usually stay out of it all.

Compared to centuries of years of relationship I am still far away from it, but I am not the type cheating on someone, I’d rather speak the truth. What’s the point in lying afterwards? I have no time to waste to lie to myself about my relationships, such an important thing in my life. But I use to stay out of it as well, like said, not my decision and way of life. I know someone who cheated, but it’s not a close friend… don’t get it, but her decision, I never mentioned it though she doesn’t even know that I know it. I think I have no real good friends who cheated like that ever, I would tell them otherwise what I think of it, cause I care about them, but in the end it’s their decision, still I don’t think I would be close friends with someone like that. Tells something about their whole attitude to life and I wouldn’t be fine with it. As acquaintance, okay, but I don’t think I would spend much time with someone who has this attitude, I mean not just cheating - can happen, I know, people are no robots - but especially how they handle it afterwards.

I’m almost 40....so my husband and I have been together for 19 years.  Yep we were each others first.  Eight 8 years he was diagnosed with a brain tumour and just recently has undergone surgery (just to remove a small piece for testing) and now he has just finished radiation.  I never ever thought things could change between us, but they have.  Due to his illness he is acting differently and he is not the man I married.  Things have really changed and in fact I have crossed the line....yep I’m sick about.

I was always the type of person who said “If you are going to cheat at least break up first” So now I’m torn.  The doctors say he should not have any stress as it can cause it to grow and/or seizures (yep I think if I told him this it would be stressful) Also how to you leave someone who is counting on you for your support and love during such a hard time?

I do still love him very much and I have been there for him the whole time. 

I haven’t told a soul and I don’t know what my friends will think as they are very against it.  It’s eating me up inside and I need to talk to one of my friends but I don’t want to lose them either.

So this is my situation and I feel that I am at a dead end....

Oh how horrible this must be for you as well. I can only imagine how heart breaking it must be for see your husband change right before you into a person you do not recognise anymore, i couldnt bare to think how upsetting this would be for me if i was in your shoes.

Do you think this is a long term change or just while he is having to undergo all this awful treatment and life changing thoughts?. I would try your hardest to stick by him through this treatment if you possibly can, hes probably very angry inside that this has had to happen to him&you;both and maybe this has something to do with the way he now behaves towards you. Theres every possibility that this personalitiy change wont be perminiant.

I don’t know if this is a change that will stay with him forever of just a phase due to his surgery/radiation....

Thanks very much for you repsonse.  I am planning on staying with him through all of this as I do still love him and I need to be there for kids also.  I’m sure things will get better but I still can’t believe I crossed the line..

Everyday is a new start for me and I need to try to put this behind me and stay postive for everyone one else.

Good luck, and don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes.  You’ve been under the most horrendous pressure, and no one is perfect.  Unfortunately, what life throws at us is often unfair, and coping one day at a time is all any of us can do.  Sounds like you have made a good decision.

I agree with Jo in what she said about affairs and then lying about it… it does show the real truth of the person. I like honest people and I’d find it very difficult being close friends with someone who was living a lie.

Robin - I think it might help you to find a support group or get some counseling for what you are going through. What you are going through is an enormous strain and you need support. Your husband would probably benefit greatly from this as well. You’re not alone and you’ll find the partners of these patients are all going through the same things as you. It helps to talk to others that are not only going through the same things you are but also facing what is to come. Big hugs to you… and please let us know how you’re going.

I think you are in a very difficult situation.  You obviously were under a lot of stress yourself and went looking for comfort quite possibly in the wrong direction.  I cannot imagine how hard it is to watch someone you love go through something like a brain tumor and suffer changes.  Something I have learned from others experiences is secrets don’t stay secrets for long.  I do think you owe it to your husband to tell him the truth.  I understand you don’t want to do anything to harm his progress.  Think of it this way, would you rather him find out from someone else?  Maybe you should think about talking to a counselor or something to find the best approach.  If you don’t tell him now, I think you should tell him in the future.  You don’t want something like this to eat you up inside.

One 100% yes, and proud of it.

I married my one love, made my vows and kept my vows.

As far as I am aware he has been faithful too!

I say ‘aware’, as we can only take ones word.

what a hard time you,ve been having, It’s up to you whether you tell your partner or not, I personally can’t see why you would. It’s plain to see that you love him but were struggling and looking for comfort. It has probaly just reinforced what you knew all along, he’s the one you love. you didn’t have an affair you just made a mistake don’t make it more than what it was. focus instead, on yourself and your partner and go from there. best wishes x

sunshine - 12 Aug 2009 07:14 PM

what a hard time you,ve been having, It’s up to you whether you tell your partner or not, I personally can’t see why you would. It’s plain to see that you love him but were struggling and looking for comfort. It has probaly just reinforced what you knew all along, he’s the one you love. you didn’t have an affair you just made a mistake don’t make it more than what it was. focus instead, on yourself and your partner and go from there. best wishes x

Good advice Sunshine.

I take it Robin that you haven’t actually had an affair but are thinking of leaving him. From my point of view, what you’re experiencing is extremely difficult and its a decision only you can make. Personally I’d give it as much time as I possibly could and seek support. I’ve known two people who’ve had major surgery and have changed afterwards. Both became extremely angry and weren’t at all pleasant to be around for probably a year afterwards. They came good but it was a long and very hard journey back - and during that time were awful and not at all like themselves.

It’s a hard one Robin - but you have to take your well being into consideration. Maybe it might help if you take a break rather than a permanent leave? Take some time for you!

I can hand on heart say I’ve always been faithful. I don’t like cheaters and I’ve been cheated on before and it just makes you feel like utter trash to have someone do that to you.

I don’t get why people cheat, If you don’t want to be with someone be open and honest about it, Why carry on hurting people? I’ve never understood that.

I’ve always been faithful, but I can also understand when people make mistakes.  I’m less understanding when people keep making the same mistake though . . .  But Lexi, if you’ve been hurt badly, I’m not surprised you take the stand you do.