Today, we interview Tawnya Jonsek - a blogger, writer and mother who decided to radically change the way she lives her life. I think she is an inspiration to all of us who worry that it’s ‘too late’ for us to change the direction of our lives.
On your blog, you write that you had an awakening when you turned 30. Can you tell us more about that?
I think there was something about turning 30 in and of itself. I’d had many dreams for myself as a teenager. I was evaluating my life and thinking about all the things I had yet to accomplish and asking serious questions about why I hadn’t. What I realized is I had at some point started living in what was safe and what would please other people. I was shorting myself by not being true to what I really wanted from life. I decided I needed to start making changes, albeit slow, to get back to living for myself. The words ‘To thine own self be true’ took on new meaning for me.
Would you say that before you had your awakening you were unhappy with your life? If so, did it really take an awakening for you to realise this?
Yes I was unhappy. I’d already divorced once which is unpleasant enough. The second time I married a man I’d dated in high school thinking what he appeared to be as a teenager was how he was a man. It was a wrong assumption.
Some women may read your blog and worry that an awakening or radical examination of their lives may lead to turmoil. For example, I got the impression that your awakening was at least partially responsible for your divorce. Can intense examinations and eagerness for change actually be bad?
Not at all. What the awakening did for me, and it wasn’t instantaneous, was allowed me to see how wonderful I really am. And I don’t mean that in a bragging sort of way. I had always undervalued myself and accepted being treated poorly. So, this awakening opened my eyes to that fact and the idea that as a human being I had value and worth and deserved to be respected and loved. This wasn’t what I was experiencing in my marriage. I spent the next two years trying to work out my marriage. In the end, he was unwilling, or unable, to treat me any better. It was difficult but we both decided we really weren’t suited to each other and to spare our children pain of living in a tumultuous home, we started the divorce proceedings.
While the divorce itself is painful, I’m empowered by the idea that I don’t have to allow a man to disrespect me. Without going into many details of what went wrong or what he did, I can say his treatment, the words he said and his actions were much more painful than the divorce. Both men and women I confided in told me he’d been emotionally and verbally abusive. I know he wouldn’t agree with that but as I analyzed everything I realized his behavior wasn’t healthy and it was harming me and warping the perspective our children would have someday of how relationships should work.
So, while divorce may be negative, the end result - me, healthy, happy and our children seeing us interact in a neutral, civil tone is not negative. Not everyone who analyzes their life will end up in divorce. And not everyone with an unhappy marriage will either. In my situation, my husband was unwilling to stop his behavior.
You are among the growing ranks of female bloggers. Why do you think blogging is so popular amongst women?
Blogging gives us a voice. It’s a creative outlet and bloggers have a sense of community amongst themselves. Community, relationships, talking, discussing, analyzing - these are the things that give most women pleasure.
Why do you blog? For business? For your own personal development? How does your blog fit into your future plans and your ‘awakening’?
My blog started as an outlet. I wanted to write. I’ve always wanted to write. I saw it as a way to force myself to write regularly. As for my future, I’ve decided to blog as candidly as I feel possible about the journey I’m on to help other women. I’ve had emails, comments and tweets from others saying how my blog is helping them get through their own struggles. This makes it worth it.
I decided for a year not to date. It’s a perfect time to heal, to gain strength and learn to enjoy my own company. I wrote about planting my own rose garden - doing and being to myself what I’d always wanted from a man. Not to negate what having a healthy relationship can bring, but to recognize that, in the past, I’d been susceptible to men with less than honorable intentions because I needed to be told I was worthwhile. So, when they came around, I eventually got hurt. If I can approach a relationship from the aspect that I know I am worthy and treat myself kind, then I can see more clearly about the potential of a relationship. And also be a much better partner when the time comes.
I see so many of my girlfriends, and at one time I was one of them, who are so afraid of being alone they accept whatever a man does. I hope with my journey and my words I can help other women get to the point where they are no longer afraid of being without a man and can wait and demand the respect and love they deserve.
Do you think women are more susceptible to feeling pressured to live their lives in order to please others?
I think mankind in general is susceptible to it. Women, however, approach it from a different motivation. We tend to value relationships and how others view us in that aspect. Because of this, we do things to please other people and often sacrifice what we want or need for someone else. It’s for preservation of relationships. Men are usually more motivated by performance and success. So, the motivation is different. We are all susceptible and some more so based on personality. I don’t think gender in itself is the reason.
Do you think women in society are now taking more risks (personal and professional). If so, why do you think this change is taking place?
I think overall we are and it’s a result of having the freedom to do so. It wasn’t that long ago we didn’t even have the right to vote or enter into contracts without a male guardian. So - a door that was closed to us for almost all of history is now open. It is taking a while and we are, as a group, working out the details but it is happening. It’s too bad it isn’t happening everywhere in the world.
You mention on your blog that you felt you lost your individuality when you married. Do you think this is a common occurrence? Is losing your individual identity inevitable when a woman marries? If not, what advice can you offer to women to ensure they continue to have their own life within a partnership?
It is common because women tend to be the caretakers of other people. We care for our husbands, our children, extended families - and we rarely take time to care for ourselves. When you neglect yourself, you forget who you are or why you are important. Sometimes, to enhance another relationship, marriage for instance, we stop doing things that bring us pleasure because we want to put all our energy into another person. It’s not healthy.
What is healthy is to remember to take time caring for yourself - through hobbies, time with friends, pampering oneself. And when I say pampering, I don’t mean something exorbitant. I mean a cup of tea in the afternoon or a bubble bath in the evening or a time spent with a book. A woman should also be honest about what is important to her and not give up on whatever that may be. The key is to find balance between children, husbands, friends and family, career and other things in life.
Do you think it is ever too late to make an effort to change your life? When are you ‘too old’ for a career change? When have you been married ‘too long’ to shake the boat and try to change the terms of your relationship with your partner?
I think it’s too late when they are dropping the dirt on your casket. In other words, if you see the need for change - any change - it isn’t too late to go for it.
Finally, what are your plans for the future? Indeed, do you even plan for the future anymore or do you just take life as it comes?
Well short term - I plan to take one year at least to heal and care for myself. I have a list of things I want to do and give myself. Some, like going to the movies alone, I’ve already done. It was a bit unnerving at first, but I felt empowered by the idea that I liked myself so much that I could enjoy my own company. Other things are gradual, like improving my finances or learning to trust my intuition. I also intend to move forward as a writer. As part of that, I have two novels in the works and must now decide which one comes first! I also intend to blog about this experience.
Long term, I plan on developing my skills as a writer and moving forward with it as my career (and passion) and providing a stable home for my children. I talk a lot about me, but I am no different from other moms. My children are the love of my life and even the motivation for divorce was based on what was ultimately best and healthiest for them. So, my children play a big part in the future. When and whom I date, where I live and when I write all will be balanced by what is best for me and my children.
Thank you for your time and for sharing your insights and new life philosophy with us, Tawnya. I truly believe you are an inspiration to us all.
