Female Forum

Evening ladies…

Sorry if I’m breaking any sort of rules, but I am having a heated debate with my wife about some personal issues and we would both like some outside opinions to help bring things to a peaceful resolution.  I’m a 30 yr old male, married for 5 years and heres the situation....

About 2 years ago my parents died, which hit my family pretty hard, most of which was my youngest sister who was 13 at the time.  hings settled down eventually and all of us older siblings tried to fill the gaps as best we could since we are all adults.  The 13 yr old moved in with my 23 yr old sister so she could stay in the same school district and I take her in the summers.  Once a night I talk to her on the phone for about 15 min just to talk about her day and to give her smeone to talk to since the sister she lives with is....a...well, shes a bitch.  I love my sister to death but she is a cold cold woman.

So i spend 15 min a night talking to the sister, and as she gets older she talks more about boys and school then i care to but its not about me, its about giving her an ear that doesn’t chastise or bite.

This is an issue for my wife.

My wife is a wonderful person but she thinks staying with us in the summer is too much, we have a small apt and things do get cramped while shes here.  We both agree its ahrd, but I say its worth it, she disagrees.  She also things its totally inappropriate to talk every day, and she has said more then a few times that I’m not her dad, I don’t have to talk every day.  I counter with the fact that she has no dad or mom, and even though its hard on everyone, its whats best for her, she likes it, and its not a lot of effort on my part to just listen for 15 min.  I wish I could do more.

We are now at the point where every time the phone rings and its her my wife rolls her eyes and huffs and puffs.  If we are having a discussion and the phone interrupts then theres a fight afterward, even if I tell my sis I will call her back.  More then once, that 15 min has cause my wife to tell me that I care more about my siblings then I do her, which is completly fales, but I can’t get it across to her that she gets the vast majority of my time adn attention, but I need to help out my fam too sometimes.

Now I love my wife, and she has a hard life.  I’m legally blind so she has to do all teh driving, I can see well enough to do most things but driving is not one of them.  I’m a full time student so I can only work part time for now, so she makes most of the income while I finish my last quarter.  It was a hard thing being in my family when my folks died, and I think shes got the notion that shes got the short end of the stick by marrying me right before the shit hit the fan.  She does almost all the cooking and housework since Im in classes or working part time and she works from home on teh internet.  When I’m home I try to do the dishes, vacuum, straighten up, make the bed, etc so its not like I dont do anything, but from her perspective, she has to taxi me everywhere and time spent with school and homework doesn’t count for “doing my share.”

So all this leads to a frustration explosion once a month and everything I did or didn’t do in the last month comes spilling out, and every month the phone calls come up. So I come here and tell the story hoping I can get an outside perspective.  I try to do more, but everything I do becomes the “norm” after the first week and becomes not enough the next.  I ride my bike to work along a highway at 11 at night so she doesn’t have to drive me.  offer to take the bus to school, but she says its no big deal one day then the next she lashes me over it.  It’s not as bad as I make it sound here, but this is just my opinion and I just got lashed so I’m a bit hot atm.

I love the bones of my wife, and 99% of the time we are golden, but theres just these few problems that drive her up a wall and the phone call thing is the one thing that I am really holding my ground on, everything else I’ve given up for appeasement but to no avail.  So what do you ladies think?  Am I missing something huge?  Should I just give up on my fam and let them take care of themselves?  I’m utterly lost and I don’t have any female freinds that aren’t already invested one way or another.

any advice is most appreciated.
thx
-Dustin

Honestly?  I think your wife is jealous..
Its proberbly not something she is doing with intent but she is jealous of the special bond you have with your sister. She is feeling left out.

Can you change the time you phone your sister so that it does not intrude on the time you have with your wife?
Or maybe you could include your wife in the conversation? a speaker phone or extention so that you could have a group call.
Im sure your wife can give better advice about boys than you can!

Its clear you little sister sees you as a sort of subsitute for you parents, she needs that link you are the nearest thing she is going to get to her dad so she clings to that.
Its natural, anyone would, and its only been two years since you lost your parents of course she needs reassurence.

Maybe you could sit with your wife and ask her what she would like you to do ..it may be a good idea to do this with a counseller or family doctor someone who wont take sides..
You can explain your thoughts and likewise she can express her feelings. Maybe then you can come to some agreement which will be ok for both of you.

I wish you luck.

I think one of the things you need to do is agree on what the boundaries are so there is no confusion on what your wife expects from you, I agree that I think your wife could be jealous and honestly ask yourself is your sister behaving appropriately towards you and your wife I know you never suggested this but I was just curious. Its a funny time in a girls life and a time to push the limits after all her parents are not around anymore she may worry that you will vanish from her life too.

Its great that you are giving so much attention to your sisters and look out for each other like this, I can understand why you would feel so much responsibility to your younger sister too. Can you possibly make an agreement with your wife, what time you call how often you call who calls who just so she feels she has some control. Also set ruls as to what she expects from you around the house and regarding lift too from work and that so long as you are respecting these boundaries it is unreasonable for her to behave in any such way.

I think to say she got the short end of the stick marring you is unfair, has she actually said this, she must have know about your health issues and i assume she knew you wanted to study? The loss of your parents could not have been predicted but sadly is a part of what most people may have to help their partner go thought.

Life is probably not the way your sister expected things to turn out and I would never say accuse her of jealousy issues as that will never get you good results instead make time for both of them spend time with your sister over the holiday but equally make it clear you and your wife are getting away somewhere too or having a few days home together if thats not possible.

I think perhaps if you also make one or two nights free from your sisters calls just dedicated to spending time together could help too showing her you are making time for just her, your sister is after all over 13 so I’m sure she understands that you two need some space too.

It’s very obviously jealousy.

You need to try and find out why she feels the need to be jealous, I think it’s probably something to do with the bond you’ve built with your Sister, Obviously you’ve become close since your parents died and I don’t know why she would feel the need to be jealous.

Hi dustin

It was lovely to read such a warm genuine post, i think what you are doing for your little sister is very comendable indeed.

have you sat down with your wife and said to her, something along the lines of “i know your not happy with the situation, but if this was your little sister who had lost her parents, would you leave her to fend for herself?, or would you want to care for her as much as possible until she is old enough?”, i think you should also tell her that you understand how annoyed she must feel about this all encroaching into your personal time as a couple, but you really dont know what to do for the best, give your time to the woman you love or time to the little sister who has been essencially abandoned?. See what ideas and feed back she comes up with!. Try to put your wife in your shoes and she how she would feel, and what she would do if she was you!.

Hi Dustin,

Lovely to meet you.

There are 4 people in this circle that need to be considered. You and your wife, and your two sisters.

I think it’s commendable that your sister in her early twenties, has taken on such an enormous responsibility, regardless of family ties. What she’s done is HUGE! It shows how truly loving and caring she is. She’s taken on the parent role and all parents at some stage are seen as being unfair (bitchy). She’s living with your younger sister and having to deal with the day to day drama’s teenagers present.

I also commend you for the relationship you have with your younger sister. I wanted to point out though that in my honest opinion, it is better as an older sibling to allow your sister who is now nearly 15, to not rely on you so much. The time you spend with her on the phone, having the conversations that you do, is what her friends are for… building relationships with people her own age. It wouldn’t hurt her for you to start cutting the calls down gradually. It would serve her better if those calls ended up being one or two a week. Quality time spent is much better than quantity. It would be much more appropriate for her if you were to spend half an hour once a week on the phone with her, than 15 minutes every day, knowing that if she is ever in great need she can contact you at any time.

Personally I think your wife is doing you a service. You can’t change things for your sister or yourself with regards to the loss of your parents. What you can do is accept that life goes on and within life there is loss of those we love. Part of living is accepting what life gives us. While it may seem harsh, this will give your sister strength of character and the will to get past the things that keep us from moving forward. Perhaps you need to keep moving forward to… have you spoken to anyone about the way you too are feeling about the loss of your parents? It is natural to want to cling to family when we lose a loved one, but the important thing is that we move on together and continue on with our lives. You can never replace your parents for your sister, but you can be a great role model in showing her how to keep moving forward and keep loving life. Your sister will eventually go on to get married, and start living her own life as we all do. I understand your need to support her, I can’t help but wonder though if she’s not in some way supporting you.

Have you dealt with your own feelings of loss?

Wishing you all the best… I hope what I’ve expressed doesn’t seem too harsh. It’s not meant to be.

It’s great that you’re there for your younger sister.

Does she really want you to cut contact with her? What does your wife think would be an acceptable amount of time for your sister? You’ve talked about that before, right? If not, just ask. If it seems reasonable to you, do it.

Honestly, based on my own relationships with my siblings and all other sibling relationships I’ve witnessed, a 15 minute phone call every night is not the norm. Seems weird, to me. I think cutting down on the phone calls would be good for everyone involved.

You can still have a very close relationship with your sister with less contact. I’m sure you and your wife can work something out. But, do not just give up on your family because she says so. That’s a totally unreasonable request.

Lots of great advice given by others in this thread. It would be great if you kept us posted.

I hope everything turns out great for you and your family.

How about pointing out to your wife that your sister will grow up and not need the level of support you are giving her now?  Another point to make would be that your older sister has taken on the role of parent and your younger sister needs to rebel and looks to you for support.  You could also ask your wife for advice on how to deal with your family, once you have given her confidence that she is the most important person in your life.  Sometimes spouses just need to be reminded of this, and can feel a bit taken for granted.