Female Forum

As you all know, im just not maternal, and as time ticks on it becaomes more likely that i never will be either. Anyone who knows me, knows this.

I find it so irratating however that friends of my husband continually try to stir things on this matter even although they know our thoughts.For the 3rd time since January they have said to my husband, “oh you’ll have to come up and see little Elliot”.

I dont know if they think seeing him might change my/our minds(& we can all be parents together) or whether they think i might give their little boy my undivided attention(when actually if i dont find something cute-i wont pretend i do),i dont know, but i do feel it is stirring!. We gave them a new baby present & a card when it was born and felt that was enough.

I crazy for animals, if i could save&love;them all i would lol!, i love my cats to death, they are my children and i find them increadibly adorable, but the couple in question are not cat people, however i didnt insist they come down and see them at any time, not even when they were kittens.

Sometimes there seems very little respect for other peoples views, or am i being a grumpy old bugger!!.

Hey cat.

No you most certainly are not being a grumpy old wosit at all. It is your perfect right to choose not to have children if you don’t want them. I think your husbands friends are being very rude and insensitive. As such I think that you should just state plainly and simply, that whilst you love seeing their little boy, you have no desire to be a parent yourself. Then I should nicely, but firmly, ask them to drop the subject.

At the end of the day it is no ones business but yours and your husbands. As you say, they should respect your views.

part of me thinks its just their overwhelming desire for ‘everyone’ to see their kid and make a fuss of it,us included and the other part of me thinks that although they know i have no desire they also know my husband sits on the fence concerning the subject, he doesnt know if he wants them or not. I dont particually get on all that well with the couple in question and quite often i wonder if they are trying to stir matters between my husband&I;(?), although they will be unsuccessful.

If it weren’t for the fact my BF is addament that he wants children I would be just like you cat, there is allot of pressure to become pregnant by other parents I totally agree with that and it is incredibly frustrating to constantly defend my decision to wait to the same people.

Whats right for some people isn’t right for others and yes I think some people may think lets be parents together perhaps they feel isolated and left out in some way and that having freinds in the same situation would somehow help them feel more involved.

As it stands although I’m not maternal at all we do plan to have children, I don’t think you have to be maternal to raise a child and give love, the baby stage is what terrifies me more than anything.

its sad that there are people out there who think its their duty to pressurise us on this topic, that we are classed as selfish, or subhuman.

The only time i would ever change my mind (& it wouldnt be easy) is if my husband like your partner kez came to me and said he couldnt go thru life without kids. i married for better of for worse etc etc and wouldnt want to deny him that, and perhaps things would be fine. But while there is a choice to be made my answer is no, there are alot of people out there who have quite an issue with that!

kezflake - 11 Dec 2009 10:28 PM

If it weren’t for the fact my BF is addament that he wants children I would be just like you cat, there is allot of pressure to become pregnant by other parents I totally agree with that and it is incredibly frustrating to constantly defend my decision to wait to the same people.

Whats right for some people isn’t right for others and yes I think some people may think lets be parents together perhaps they feel isolated and left out in some way and that having freinds in the same situation would somehow help them feel more involved.

As it stands although I’m not maternal at all we do plan to have children, I don’t think you have to be maternal to raise a child and give love, the baby stage is what terrifies me more than anything.

i do admire you however, because if you feel anything like i do then the decision to have children must feel like its going completely against the grain for you. Ideally its something that you both need to want, and you both need to be sure about, but, we’re not in an ideal world. It will take courage and wont be easy although im sure all will come right in the end.

i do admire you however, because if you feel anything like i do then the decision to have children must feel like its going completely against the grain for you. Ideally its something that you both need to want, and you both need to be sure about, but, we’re not in an ideal world. It will take courage and wont be easy although im sure all will come right in the end.

What irritates me is that some people mostly BF family think of me as selfish, his mother thinks I am withholding a grandchild his freinds think I am being cruel to him.

It is a very much against the grain decision for me too, something I will have to get through and I hope things do turn out ok in the end. Twins are common in our family’s BF is a twin so was my dad I’m otherwise intending just to have the one thats the compromise really.

My OH and I talked about this before we got married did we want kids ,how many, how soon ect ect.. I know many people dont each assuming the other shares thier point of view and it ends in tears.

As the mother of grown children I think its none of my business they must lead thier lives in the way they choose its not my decision to make.
My daughter hates babies they make her cringe she wont even hold them. Fine no problems but her BF family do sometimes laugh and say oh and when do we hear the patter of little feet at your house then?
Abby says ‘well now if I let one of the rats loose’!

My eldest is due his first baby any day now they have waited 5 years before starting a family again thier choice.

I cannot understand mothers of grown children who still think they have the right to decide whats best for thier adult kids.

Grandchildren are a blessing, a gift, a bonus, not a right.

I had an internet friend once who was like this. She didnt want i child but went ahead for various reasons and had one.she lived out on a farm, it was lambing season there. She was hand rearing one of the lambs bottle feeding it in her arms. She went up to check on her baby in its cot and sat on the bed, she looked at the lamb and looked at her baby and just cried , all she could feel was an overwhelming love for the lamb in her arms and how cute it looked, she looked over at her baby and felt nothing. In time her feelings for the child improved and she grew to love it but she never felt at one with being a mother.

if husband really wanted a child this would be my fear!

cassandra - 12 Dec 2009 02:14 PM

My OH and I talked about this before we got married did we want kids ,how many, how soon ect ect.. I know many people dont each assuming the other shares thier point of view and it ends in tears.

As the mother of grown children I think its none of my business they must lead thier lives in the way they choose its not my decision to make.
My daughter hates babies they make her cringe she wont even hold them. Fine no problems but her BF family do sometimes laugh and say oh and when do we hear the patter of little feet at your house then?
Abby says ‘well now if I let one of the rats loose’!

My eldest is due his first baby any day now they have waited 5 years before starting a family again thier choice.

I cannot understand mothers of grown children who still think they have the right to decide whats best for thier adult kids.

Grandchildren are a blessing, a gift, a bonus, not a right.

its a shame there arent more people like you!

Abby says ‘well now if I let one of the rats loose’!

I will defiantly be using this line at my MIL’s house soon

Cat that is a sad story with your friend, one of my fears is that it will be that way for me too, BF and I have discussed children in detail I have never told him I never want children even I don’t know that for certain. Yet sometimes just the thought of being a mother is upsetting for me.

Its really hard i know kez, although at least you know you are not alone with those thoughts, my husband could quite easily turn around and ask the same thing of me one day,who knows, esp ending up in a huge 4 bed house!, the one he grew up in etc.

I have told mine my thoughts,he knows how sensitive the subject is for me too, and he knows how badly he would want to have kids before he came to me, but if he did, like you id be hard pressed to deny him unless of course he left it too late in my life to tell me, as i have also told him to never do that to me beyond my early to mid 30s.

If you ever want to chat just mail me, im on the same wavelength & know where your comming from! X

Update on the saga…

Sometimes i dont know what to think. lately its all come to head (again). my husbands mate had a baby last year, now a toddler, so you can imagine the “father talk” down the pub now. This week his other best mate announced they were expecting their 1st baby. I overheard my husbands reaction to his mate, there was so much enthusiam i just get the feeling that he maybe feeling left behind in the ‘babyboom’.

My husband broke the news to me about his mate and i said “Ooo do you want one now?)(lightheartly), to which he said “ooo maybe!”

i sat down with him that night and asked if his mates news was making him anymore broody, to which he replied “no” (rather bluntly) i asked if was sure? to which he said “Yep"- rather bluntly. and that was that.

Im not sure if one of us is going to have to give in one day, or whether i read too much into it all.

I can see why you would be worried cat especially in such a big house with all those memories of his; who knows what the future could hold.

I never saw your msg before it’s a shame as I could have really used some advice from someone with the same perspective as me over Christmas as babies were a source of conversation / arguments every day.

It seems like your husband knows where he stands on this, from what you said it seems like he sits on the fence a bit too, like a child wouldn’t be the end of the world but he is not desperate either.

Things have made a bit of a turnaround for me lately too..

BF is desperate, always has been and has always said “when you do have a baby I will be the one to stay home and take care of it” which I never really expected of him but it was nice to know he would be flexible.

A few days ago after floods there were redundancies at his work he was lucky enough to be kept on and even promoted; its complicated but his bosses have told him they plan for him in a few months to oversee the reopening of the part of the business he worked in and he is set manage that dept. He was so happy and I was truly happy for him too.

There is allot going on for us at the moment new jobs, longer hours and a possible relocation so we talked about our future and suddenly he never said no such things as he would be willing to be at all flexible.

His face was horrified at the thought despite saying he would be be prepare to make changes, almost like he said all this before he ever imagined he could make a success of himself.

I know it’s not traditional for a man to take time from his own career but I still feel a bit let down that he would go back on this not so much because he couldn’t, I could live with that but because he doesn’t want to.

Yes i think he’s still on the fence concerning all this, my worry is that with all his mates having kids that they’ll talk him round one day to wanting them (esp being as hes not one way or the other).

Thing is , has your BF really thought about how you would both cope financially?, if he jacks in his job then you only have your wage, and if he keeps his job who would look after the baby?. Its such a shame that either of us feel any pressure or worry about this at all, you tend to think of women being the broody ones, not the men!

Sounds like you are having the same trouble as me with mates trying to talk your partner into kids.

I don’t think with some guys it is so much broodiness as showing of; kind of iv got the full package, good job, big house, nice car, little wify at home with the kids. Then I speak to their partners and they tell the true story of how their guy never helps out and is can usually be found down the pub.

I cant see in honesty how him leaving his job would work when the time comes and I know that, for a start he is on a good wage and i wouldn’t want so much influence (and second hand smoke) from the MIL to be. Dont know what im complaining about really it was never going to happen I suppose I just miss the gesture.

Sometime I wish I could just make myself broody and ease the pressure a bit