Female Forum

Hi,

I was married to a gorgeous woman, we had an 8 month old baby and had only been married a year.

Things weren’t completely right, and she seemed to be withdrawing a bit. One weekend I took our son to my parents, when we came back she seemed different and said we should split up.
She then admitted she had cheated on me, but when it turned out the guy she had cheated with didn’t want her, she decided she wanted me back. I moved out, and we were slowly sorting things out when she met someone else, who is now her boyfriend! This was within a couple of months of us splitting.

She has been awkward over access to our son, after a big struggle I have managed to establish a routine she generally sticks to that I have him 2 nights per week. I pay a large amount of maintenance for the privilege!

When I go and pick him up, there is another man sitting on my sofa playing with my son and my dogs, after I go he sleeps in my bed with my wife!

Obviously, we’re divorcing now, but I am naturally having difficulty dealing with the betrayal, and searching for answers as to why a woman would act this way. The first guy she cheated with, she took our son to watch him horseriding on our 1st wedding anniversary (before I knew what was going on)

Is this normal female behaviour? What is wrong with her!!!!!!!!

She is 9 yrs younger than me(now 25) if that’s relevant at all.

Hi
In answer to your question generally speaking.. NO its not normal or acceptable behaviour.
Going on the premise that you are a nice resonable person I think her behaviour is tacky nasty and very immature..
If you want to be a part of your sons life then insist on the routine and stick to it, do not use your son to score points regardless of what his mother does or says keep the agro away from him. After all, no matter how you two feel about each other to your son you are still his mummy and daddy he should not be made the rope in your tug of war,, he will just end up hating you for it..
As for your ex chalk it up to experience..walk away cherish the good times try not to focus on the bad and just think ...without her you would never have had the most precious thing in your life ie; your son…

Oh and check with your legal advice about how much you pay if she is living with someone else and keep that advice up to date as your payment can be adjusted.

Thanks. Sometimes I can see it all in perspective - as you put it, the best thing - our son - has come out of it. Other times I’m a bit of a mess - today, for example, I’m a bit ill so I’ve been doing nothing all day other than thinking that if we were still together she’d be looking after me and our son would be running around the house!

Yes I’m a reasonable, nice person. The only explanation she’s ever given is that I didn’t show her enough affection. I knew things weren’t perfect, but I was willing to put in the effort and never expected what has happened.

dan - 25 Jan 2010 05:10 PM

The only explanation she’s ever given is that I didn’t show her enough affection.

This is a classic cheater excuse. It’s also a load of bullshit. She’s deflecting the blame and not taking responsibility. It is not your fault that she cheated on you.

Is it normal for a woman? No, and you know that.

Why would a woman act this way? Boredom, depression (post-partum maybe? 8 months later? I don’t know how long it can last), selfishness, immaturity, etc etc. I wouldn’t really bother with “why”. “Why” doesn’t matter, cheating is inexcusable.

Did she ever come to you with any problems she had with your marriage? Doesn’t really sound like she did. If not, she gave you no opportunity to fix things. What can you do if you don’t even know there’s a problem?

Hi Dan

Well what an ordeal you have been through! Firstly, in answer to yor question about whether all women are like this well, to be honest, some are, and a lot are not.

It is very difficult to offer advice without being able to see a snippet of what your life together was like. The thing about relationships is that both people need to feel that they are important to their partner & they need to feel wanted. These two are extremely important. At this stage I am just explaining what is essential in a successful relationship & not relating it to yours.

There is however, no question about the way in which your ex handled the situation, and that was really badly.

Maybe i could offer some thoughts for you to think about, and remember, I know it is her that broke the rules but it might be a help in getting you to realise that it wasn’t something that you did:

Did you listen to her intently when she wanted to talk to you about something or was it half listening & then thinking ‘what did she say?’

Did you ever criticise her or complain about things, or did you often compliment her on doing things, even minor things, or on the way she looked?

Did you smile at her often?

Did you tell her you love her often? A woman needs to be reminded of this.

It sounds like she had issues which are difficult to identify, with not much imformation. There was obviously something going on in her head which made her look elsewhere although the way she did it was inexcusable. As she seems to be unpredictable maybe it would be best to sort out the childcare through a solicitors as shes likely to possibly use your child as a pawn in the future.

If you can be content that it was nothing you did & you treated her very well, then in that case, she doesn’t deserve you & although getting through this time will feel like hell on earth, it will show that she was not right for you & unless she changes her outlook & the way she deals with people it sounds like she isn’t right for anyone the way she is now.

Things will work out eventually, honestly. Just remember, treat people well, they are not all the same!

I think that Kitty is being very kind.  There is no excuse to play the field after marriage.  Fidelity should mean just that.  Sooner or later everyone is tempted, and a married person needs to be able to deal with it and move well away.  Don’t let her ruin your life.  Incidentally, as her behvious is really quite dreadful, couldn’t you seek custody of your son?

Hey,

Erm no, it’s not normal behaviour. If it was a problem of how much affection (or lack of it) you were showing her, she most likely would have indicated this at some point.

If you’re concerned about your child in any way, then you really should find a legal way of ensuring that he’s safe - either through legal custody, or ensuring that you spend time with him - and if this is revoked by your soon-to-be-ex-wife then there are ramifications on her.

Most of all, you need to make sure you’re ok. This kind of stuff is incredibly hard to deal with - make sure you’re ok and have someone you trust to talk to!

Hi.. In my opinion clearly this woman isn’t the “one” for you so just accept it as part of your past and move on there’s still a whole lot waiting for you..