Female Forum

Hi, I’m a man. I posted this in the men’s section but apparently it doesn’t get many views, so I hope you don’t mind me posting it again here:

I was married to a gorgeous woman, we had an 8 month old baby and had only been married a year.

Things weren’t completely right, and she seemed to be withdrawing a bit. One weekend I took our son to my parents, when we came back she seemed different and said we should split up.
She then admitted she had cheated on me, but when it turned out the guy she had cheated with didn’t want her, she decided she wanted me back. I moved out, and we were slowly sorting things out when she met someone else, who is now her boyfriend! This was within a couple of months of us splitting.

She has been awkward over access to our son, after a big struggle I have managed to establish a routine she generally sticks to that I have him 2 nights per week. I pay a large amount of maintenance for the privilege!

When I go and pick him up, there is another man sitting on my sofa playing with my son and my dogs, after I go he sleeps in my bed with my wife!

Obviously, we’re divorcing now, but I am naturally having difficulty dealing with the betrayal, and searching for answers as to why a woman would act this way. The first guy she cheated with, she took our son to watch him horseriding on our 1st wedding anniversary (before I knew what was going on)

Is this normal female behaviour? What is wrong with her!!!!!!!!

She is 9 yrs younger than me(now 25) if that’s relevant at all.

Hi Dan,

How painful an experience.

I know quite a few people like this, and am even closely related to one, and as such, I think I have a pretty good understanding of people’s behaviour of this nature.

Firstly, there is nothing you can do about her behaviour. There’s a good chance that when she hits a patch of unhappiness/discomfort, she tries to replace it with another source of happiness, instead of trying to deal with the problems that have come up in the old situation.

Maybe she is so insecure that she can’t find happiness within herself and doesn’t feel secure enough to leave an unhappy relationship or be alone, so needs what she perceives as happiness to be there for her before she leaves the unhappy situation.

You need to grieve your situation - the loss of love and change of relationship with your child. Allow yourself this pain, for it is legitimate - you had not pictured your life turning out this way, so you need to nurture yourself while you process what has happened and where you’re at now.

My advice for you would be to get some counselling, or maybe join a group that will help you to detach emotionally from her and give you the tools to move on with a positive life where you can have healthy and fulfilling relationships, especially with your child.

Perhaps CoDA or SLAA - these programs are both great for finding emotional freedom and happiness within yourself. They’re free and can be found on the web - there are meetings all over the world. They would probably be great for your ex too, but that’s her stuff and she probably doesn’t realise that she even has a problem.

And it’s not just women that do this - men do it too - trust me: voice of experience.

All the best - hope you find some serenity with it.

Dan, would you consider fighting for custody?  could it be a possibility..

Bonny

Hi Dan, could you ask Martin to link your two threads?

Personally, I think your girlfriend is behaving in a highly questionable manner.  Get legal advice as quickly as possible.  I don’t suppose there any mediation services available to you?  But that aside, in your shoes, I’d seriously consider contesting custody.

Dan,

I am very sorry for your situation.  Others before me have given very good speculations as to her behavior and sound advice for you.  I also agree that you may want to pursue sole custody of your child.  You are young and just have not met the right woman for you to forge a happy life together.

That’s terrible man. I know a few girls like that as well. Remember that many people go through some big changes between 20 and 30. A lot of people haven’t vetted out what is really meaningful in life by that time, and I think that woman is one of them. (Some people don’t ever figure out what’s meaningful0

I can’t imagine that kind of betrayal, but perhaps try to focus on your son and what’s best for him. I would definitely go for custody.

Best,
Jason

This just IS NOT NORMAL, she is very, very selfish and don’t have any respect for the other’s feelings. She will have a big trouble and the future… No one so childish can be happy forever.

Even like this, when you have questions to solve about your kid, be pacient, talk calm and slowly, and try to make her understand your feelings.

I AM AN EXPERT IN THIS FIELD THANK YOU. I HAVE MUCH MUCH MUCH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AS WELL AS MANY YEARS OF STUDY IN THIS AREA PLUS MANY YEARS OF COUNSELING OVER THIS VERY TOPIC.

FIRST, YOUR SON IS THE NUMBER ONE CONCERN. HIS PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL WELL BEING ARE THE MAIN THINGS AND YOU SEEM TO BE ON TOP OF THAT. IF YOU DONT BELIEVE HE IS BEING NEGLECTED OR ABUSED IN ANYWAY THEN ID SAY HE IS FINE. AS FAR AS THE OTHER MAN PLAYING WITH HIM, I KNOW THIS HURTS. I AM THE MOTHER OF 5 AND STEP MOTHER 5 {FROM 3 MARRIAGES TO 3 CHEATING MEN} SO I KNOW IT HURTS TO SEE YOUR BABY IN ANOTHER MANS ARMS. WHAT YOU HAVE TO KNOW IS THAT NO MATTER HOW AMAZING THAT MAN IS {OR THE 10 THAT WILL COME AFTER HIM THAT SHE CHEATS ON TOO AND SHE WILL} YOU ARE DADDY. YOUR SON WONT EVER LOVE HIM THE WAY HE DOES YOU. DONT SWEAT IT, THE MORE PEOPLE TO LOVE A CHILD THE BETTER. HOWEVER, PAY THE MAINTENANCE GLADLY {GLAD TO BE RID OF THE CHEATER} AND KINDLY, QUIETLY, SNEAKINGLY ASK FOR EXTRA DAYS WITH YOUR SON RANDOMLY HERE AND THERE AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT HE WILL BE WITH YOU MORE THAN HER. SHE WILL BE “SO BUSY” WITH THE MEN THAT SHE WONT NOTICE.

SECOND, YOUR MIND AND EYES HAVE SEEN HER FOR WHAT SHE IS, A CHEATER. LET YOUR HEART SEE IT, FEEL IT. LOVE IS A CHOICE SO CHOOSE TO NO LONGER LOVE HER. WHEN YOU SEE HER REMIND YOURSELF WHAT SHE DID, LOOK AT YOUR CHILD AND KNOW THAT SHE CAUSED HIM TO GROW UP IN A DIVORCED FAMILY WHICH CHANGED HIS LIFE FOREVER. DONT HATE HER CAUSE THAT GIVES HER POWER OVER YOU AND ITS ALSO BAD FOR YOUR SON. LOOK AT HER, LOOK AT HER NEW BEAU AND LAUGH INSIDE BECAUSE IT WONT BE LONG AND HE WILL BE IN YOUR SHOES. LOL SHE ISNT WORTH YOUR TIME AND ATTENTION MOVE ON YOU DESERVE BETTER.

I really wanted to give my verdict on the situation but L&L;took the words right outta my mouth :( LOL… thumbs up though!

Hope you’re OK dude.

Please don’t let your experience with her ruin it for all women - believe it or not there are some good ones out there.

I think that everything else has been said - I wish you, and your son, well

Best Wishes,

Katie

Hi thanks for all the advice, sorry I haven’t replied I haven’t looked at this for a while!

Lots has happened since I posted, not all of it good! In fact the week after this post, my ex called the police and said I’d assaulted her (I hadn’t - the police investigated and agreed with me!) and said that because of that I couldn’t see our son anymore!

Obviously I went to the family courts, and I only ended up not seeing him for 3 weeks, so now I have a court order. I see him a bit less than I did, as at the time we went to court the police were still investigating the ‘assault’, but at least it’s regular and now we’re in the system we’re back at court again in a few months. I’m very hopeful I’ll end up having my son for half the time.

She has recently split up with her boyfriend, naturally. This was the guy who was so special that I couldn’t be at my son’s 1st birthday because she said the new bf was family now, and she didn’t want us both there.

I never got to meet him apart from once when he threatened to knock me out - I’m not sure what my ex had been telling him - but strangely I’m not particularly pleased that they’ve split up, he was at least providing a bit of stability. She is going loopy again now she’s single, and I won’t have a clue now which men she is having round our son or what they’re like.

Sorry for going on a bit, time has helped hugely and things she does regarding our son which would once have stopped me sleeping for a week now just make me need a cup of tea! It’s a shame when you have hopes to build a future with someone and things don’t turn out remotely as you’d hoped, but I think she is genuinely pretty mad (hopefully not dangerous to son) and not remotely who I thought she was. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, but she always acts so incredibly vindictively it’s hard to feel sorry for her for long!

She sounds a complete and utter nightmare and I am sorry for you that she is such a cow.  At least you will have it on record that she made a false claim against you, which is in your favour and not hers.  Children are very acute, and as your son grows up, he will see his mother for what she is.  Although the background is different, I found that my own children were very quick to pick up on what was going on around them in the family.  I am glad for your sake that you can deal with things calmly, for your sake and your son’s.