Female Forum

I am 19. My boyfriend of 2.5 yrs is also 19. We were dating for almost a year when I moved in with him and his parents. I moved out in May of ‘09 because I felt that we needed some time apart (but still in the relationship) for him to gain some appreciation for me. There were many incidents that gradually broke my trust down, from talking to the ex of his previous serious relationship, to being just plain inappropriately to other female friends. Because of this I check his e-mail, his networking pages, and on occasion his phone. I have not found anything serious in quite a while but I think that the trust issue is still putting stress on our relationship. I am beginning to trust him more but sometimes, he seems to be uncomfortable about being himself around me. He will “fib” about stupid, little things. To me, a lie is a lie, no matter how large. And I know him so well at this point that I can tell when he is lying and I do eventually get the truth out of him. But I just wonder if I am still being too paranoid by going through his personal e-mails, pages, etc. or if i still have valid reason. The last time I found him hiding anything was probably 3-4 months ago. But the last major event was about 6-8 months ago.

I absolutely love him and he is my best friend. As I have told him before, I can trust him with my life, but not my heart...not yet anyways. Should I continue to “snoop” (which causes arguements) or should I begin to trust him?

Anyone that has been in a similar situation, PLEASE offer advice. It would be very much appreciated.

You should stop snooping.

Question: Why didn’t you break up with him when you initially found dirt on him?

Playing devils advocate now…
To be honest if I found my OH going through my emails, texts, diary ect.. I would be shocked and I would seriously doubt the strength of our relationship..

I wonder if he feels ‘forced’ into lying because of the way you are with him?

On the other hand if my OH constantly lied to me about where he was going and what he was doing. AS well as behaving inappropriatly with other women I would be forced to wonder what I was doing with him..

Why would anyone want to be in that kind of relationship? You cannot accept him the way he is and he is not going to change so stop trying.
Stop snooping , stop deluding yourself that its all suddenly going to get better and face facts, this relationship is over..

Im so sorry if that sounds harsh but you are young, stop wasting time on this boy you have only one life, one youth, enjoy it..
Be with someone who brightens your day and makes your heart sing without the constant shadow of doubt about lies and half truths.
Be in love with someone who loves you 100%
This guy is not the one.

Honestly, I have not been able to just let him go. He was one of my closest friends for years before we started dating. I almost feel obligated to help him grow. His parents did not do a very good job of raising him and part of me knows that he wouldn’t even be as mature as he is today without ALOT of my help. I know that a tiny part of me also hasn’t left because I don’t know that anyone else can know me as well as he does. Also, it would have been hard to leave at a certain time in our relationship because I lived with him and hadn’t quite been able to get out on my own at that point.

I trusted him 100% at the beginning of our relationship and I think that is why it is so hard to believe that the saem trust can not be rebuilt. I know that it has been there before, so why not again? I know that I should stop snooping, and most likely I will try very hard not to. I do not want our relationship to be like this forever, and the way things are going now, it feels like it is getting better.

Question #2: HOW will the trust be rebuilt? What does he need to do so that you’ll trust him again?

He has actually changed very much as a person. He has become less tempermental, more respectful, and more emotional (as where before he shoed NO emotion). This behavior has not only changed with me, but with his friends and family as well. He is a different person now than he was 2.5 years ago. And most of that can probably be accredited to my presence and influence, but I can’t say I regret that.

Of course he has changed as a person from the ages of 16 to 19, everyone does. So have you. And you will both do a lot more growing as people in another 2.5 years. You’re both still very young. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that his changes probably have more to do with him than you.

So was that your answer to my question? That in order for you to trust him, he’ll have to be a different person? It’s never a good idea to try to change people. What’s the point? There are plenty of people out there that are perfect for you just the way they are. It’s not your responsibility to somehow magically transform him into a better person.

Is he a better person now? Well, you haven’t recently found evidence of him being inappropriate or whatever when you invade his privacy. Has he really stopped doing this stuff, or is he just better at hiding it, since he can’t trust YOU not to snoop. Although, you do know for certain that he is still lying to you. At what point are you going to say “enough is enough”?