Female Forum

My girlfriend never initiates sex and i can really only get her to do it once a week and even then it seems like im begging. When we first started going out we did it like crazy which i guess is usually how it is, and then it settled down to a normal amount of sex which was fine. We moved in together and she just never ever seems to be in the mood now and it doesnt even seem to dawn on her that we never ever do it more than once a week. Were both in our 20’s, she was 25 when we moved in so it just doesnt make sense. If u dont have sex in the prime of ur life when are u, when ur married with 3 kids? It upsets me cuz one im a guy and i need sex, and two it makes me feel like crap that she never ever initiates and turns me down alot. She jsut seems indifferent to sex. Ive broguht it up 3 times in a year and a half and told her i was kinda upset that she never wants to do it and she throws a crazy screaming crying fit and denies that she turns me down and claims that she intitiates even tho she never ever ever ever does. Its really weird i dont know why she goes nuts and then gets delusional and says stuff thats not true. I keep tellin her im very happy with her and i love but i wanna have sex like every other couple.  Any thoughts?

Complicated situation. Not sure any of this will help at all, but I can point out a few things:

-Even if you’re not actually begging, which I’m sure you’re not, but even if it seems at all like you are - this is a turn-off. Try as hard as you can not to come off like that.

-Once a week is not that bad. Really, it’s not.

-You do not “NEED” sex. You will not die if you don’t get it. Don’t be needy or desperate - these are turn-offs.

-Don’t get your feelings hurt when she doesn’t want to do it. More than likely, it’s not personal when she turns you down.

-Does she normally get “delusional and says stuff thats not true”? What I mean is, is she a delusional liar in her everyday life? If yes, why are you even with her? If no, then it’s sort of crappy for you to minimize her perception of things. Her opinion is valid and you should try to work on understanding it. Maybe she honestly feels that she does initiate it. Maybe it’s subtle and just doesn’t register with you when she does things like bat her eyelashes or laugh extra hard at your lame jokes or wears perfume to bed, or whatever.

-You DO have sex like every other couple. Ok, some other couples. But you definitely have more sex than most single people.

None of this is to say that you are wrong or she is right - I really don’t know. But I think some perspective and understanding may help. Good luck.

Begging = nagging.. nagging is a huge turn off.
Need?… no you want
Have you wondered why she doesnt want sex ? Is she tierd? Maybe she’s working and now that you are living together she is also taking on all the housework as well? That normally means a woman will see bedtime as the only time off she gets!

Oh and that ‘ delusional stuff’ is proberbly her expressing her feelings… stuff like ‘you take me for granted’ ‘ you only want me for sex’ ‘you never help me’ yep thats a woman telling you she is not a happy bunny!
The fact that she ‘screams’ is also her way of telling you she is not happy ..try listening?
As for initiating sex, women are more subtile than men we initiate sex in various ways it might include sitting close on the sofa or wearing purfume to bed, cooking a nice meal and opening a bottle of wine We do not bounce into the bedroom with a condom in one hand and wearing sexy undies shouting ‘ lets get it on’ ..

As for you well you need to decide wether you like her enough to pursue this relationship or weather you would be better off advertising for a naughty nymphomaniac to help you with your sexual ‘ need’

Hey Dude,

It can be all fun and games at first,but reality soon sets in once you live together,there is responsibilities,and she may be feeling the pressure. If you are baseing you whole relationship on sex then you are in for a big disappointment,there’s more to it than that.

Your girlfriend may be looking at having sex as just another chore, there’s nothing wrong with having good sex a couple times a week....Quality not Quantity....do you help out ?

Easy solution. She can get it whenever she wants it because you ALWAYS want it, so she doesn’t want it. Turn the tables. Don’t try anymore. Give up. But make sure you tell her you are giving up so she doesn’t think you are cheating. Just say “Honey, I feel like I bother you about sex too much and I feel you are getting annoyed. From now on I’m just going to wait for you to let me know you want it.” No matter what she says - stick to what you said. She’ll want what she can’t have. It might take a couple weeks but hang in there. You can tease her to get her turned on but do not jump into sex. You have to MAKE her want it.

WHATEVER LADIES.................

I AM A 41 YEAR OLD WOMAN WITH A 49 YEAR OLD MAN THAT NEVER NEVER NEVER ASKS FOR IT!!!!!! YES YOU WILL DIE WITHOUT IT. I FEEL LIKE IM ABOUT TO CROAK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!

ALSO IT REALLY WORKS ON YOUR SELF ESTEEM WHEN THE PERSON YOU LOVE NEVER ASKS YOU FOR SEX OR REJECTS YOUR ADVANCES. IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE UNDESIRABLE (I KNOW IM NOT CAUSE ALL OF HIS FRIENDS, CO WORKERS AND HIS EMPLOYEES PLUS STRANGERS TRY TO MAKE THE MOVES ON ME CONSTANTLY) I WANT HIM THOUGH. I JUST WANT HIM.

HE WORKS 70 HOURS A WEEK AND HAS LOADS OF STRESS (SO HE NEEDS STRESS RELIEF RIGHT?) I WORK 50 HOURS A WEEK BUT I RUN HIS HOUSE AND MINE PLUS I HAVE KIDS WITH SPORTS SCHOOL ETC STILL I WANT HIM. OMG I AM JEALOUS OF YOU DUDE, ONCE A WEEK I COULD LIVE WITH (ID RATHER IT BE 7 TIMES A WEEK BUT...)

HE HAS GIVEN ME INTERCOURSE ONCE IN THE LAST 45 DAYS. ONCE!!!!!! OF COURSE I LOVE TO GIVE ORAL SEX SO HE GETS THAT REGULARLY, IT TAKES NO EFFORT FROM HIM YA KNOW. IM FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!

Milly - not sure there is much point in asking him questions because the icebreakers (1 out of 5) never seem to respond anyway.  They just lurk / read other’s responses and make their moves in the real word using the advise we have given them lol.

‘Dude,’ have you ever thought about talking to her about it?  I found that the best approach with my OH when we had a problem occur RE sex.  Throwing your toys out the pram / begging isn’t going to achieve anything.  And if talking to her about this doesn’t, then I’m sorry, I don’t know what will because if she respects your wishes and how shit you’re feeling, then she will wise up obviously if she loves you.

Communication comes before sex!

SO several ideas as to why this may be

1. She may not feel attractive anymore
2. She may feel like there’s no passion it anymore
3. She may feel like you’re not all that close anymore.
4. She may just be too goddamn tired.

I would suggest re-connecting on a basic level, maybe go out for dinner/ a movie or something once a week and make-out without the sex (please inform her first that you’re not trying to seduce her for sex to avoid problems later on). If she’s at home when you come in from work, maybe go for a full on kiss before wandering off upstairs and leave her wondering what the hell that was for.

From my (very limited) expereince, women seem to thrive on passion, caring and attractiveness.Make her feel gorgeous!

There may be a physical problem that is making her uncomfortable.  It took me a few months to really tell my long term boyfriend that if he did certain things that it would hurt, but that I had let him to it anyway so that he would be happy.  If you’ve done something in the past that had hurt her, she may not want to try again because she doesn’t want to have pain in addition to everything else in her life.

Also, I do not know exactly what you do when you “do it” but try to suggest maybe a night devoted just to her pleasure, without yours in mind.  Showing her that you’re willing to give her pleasure without demanding anything in return may make her feel more special and more comfortable in the future.  It’s hard, but believe me, even if she’s never shown it, she would probably love the fact of having you physically worship her and allowing her to reach her high without you doing so at the same time.

perhaps for her once a week is normal now,she may just have a lower sex drive than you,women have a lot more on their mind not just sex, like men,i suggest you leave it for a week or two and see if she will initiate it,the others are right you are not going to die from lack of sex in the meantime and if you leave the subject alone she may wonder why you are not asking etc and find she misses it

My boyfriend and I got stuck in a bit of a rut, where by I wasn’t even slighty bothered about having sex, it became too mechanical, like got to the stage where by we were skipping foreplay altogether & I’m sure for many woman that’s probably the most fun bit!!

My wake up call came when he sat me down & told me that “we’d lost the spark” but he didn’t say it in a nagging tone, he literally sat me down, gave me a cuddle & asked me if there was anything bothering me because we’d lost the sexual spark a bit. He reassured me it wasn’t going to break us and he stressed we’d get it back. But him making me aware of it sort of gave me the kick up the back side I needed. The fact he still fancied me and wanted to have the sort of sex you have at the beginning of a relationship; spontaneous & exciting, was a huge turn on in itself!

My advice to you is to sit your girlfriend down and tell her you fancy her loads & want her to iniate sex more. open up with her, tell her a fantasy; that’s one of the most initmate things you can do with a woman is open up. I’m sure she’s not “gone off” sex but instead has got into a rut and just needs reminding that you do fancy her and you enjoy having sex with her. Reassure her its nothing that’ll break you but sex is important & you want her to enjoy sex with you as much as you do with her.

Don’t expect results immediately, give her time. After my boyfriend and I had that chat it took me a good 2/3 weeks to pluck up the courage to become the dominant one & iniate sex. So I sprung it on him. After not seeing him for about a week I iniated sex & tried a more dominant position which we hadn’t really done many times before. I also remembered he liked me in summer dresses so i wore one & I had secretly not worn knickers as a little suprise. When I initiated the sex & saw his eyes light up when he realised I hadn’t been wearing knickers, that look on his face made it all worth while & made me want to carry on being a bit more dominant!

So, if she does listen to you & initate sex, make sure you give her lots of encouragement during and after. And remind her, say to her “it felt really good when you...” or “I liked that you...”

Trust me. She won’t be able to keep her hands off you!!

x cloey x

i agree with the last comment. As long as a woman feels like she’s really wanted by her man, she won’t constantly turn him down. Now as for her initiating it herself, if she may not feel confident of herself that could stop her. Even if you find her attractive, if she doesn’t feel sexy herself, she’s not gonna come out bold and upfront with you. she may just go along with whatever you want.

Of course there is a possibility that she’s tired, if this is a constant thing, there’s something else bothering her.

WOW, your girlfriend sounds exactly like my husband!  I have tried for five nights in a row to initiate sex and nothing yet.  Wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I am in the same boat, just the other way around though.  I want to have sex and he doesn’t.  Hope things improve for you and me both!!!