Female Forum

Hi everyone!

I’m feeling a bit lost and lonely and thought it might help to put a post on here!

4 weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend and it was a massive shock. In December he brought up the subject of marriage and I thought we would be together forever. Then, one night he told me that he didn’t love me anymore. It had been a hard few months for me personally – I had to sue my employer for constructive dismissal, I failed the final module of my postgraduate diploma and had to deal with the death of a very close friend who was only 29. Although I knew that I hadn’t been as much fun as I usually was, I still looked after him, brought him little presents, told him I loved him and tried to not bring my work problems home.

The night he told me that he didn’t love me anymore, we talked and agreed to give things another go. I spent the next two weeks putting in so much effort – we went away for the weekend, had romantic meals, cosy nights in, I brought him little presents….did everything I could to show him how much I love him and that this was a new start. I didn’t feel as though he was really trying though and on the Tuesday of the 3rd week, he came home drunk and told me that he had met a girl while out watching football. Apparently she is the housemate of his friend’s girlfriend. He told me that it was totally over and that he wanted to see if he could build a relationship with this new girl.

My whole life has fallen apart and I don’t really know what to do. He wants to sell the house and has arranged to move in with one of his friends and he told me yesterday that he and this new girl are officially a couple. They’ve only known each other 4 weeks and he hasn’t had so much as a day’s break between the two of us. He left me on the Tuesday night and met her for their first ‘date’ on the Wednesday. I’m now trying to work it out so I can keep the house (as I sold my house to buy this one and he only put in 20% of the deposit) but we moved to his area so he could be close to family and friends (all my friends are scattered over the country as we all went different ways after uni) so I don’t know anyone in the area and feel like I’m on his territory.

I’ve started a new job which should be amazing but I can’t concentrate and am so scared that they will sack me for being useless but no matter how hard I try, just can’t concentrate. I think it would’ve been so much
Easier if he’d said he didn’t love me and that we should go our separate ways and he’d stayed single for a while but to know this new girl is living my life with him really upsets me. He’s taking her to see shows with tickets he brought me for valentines day, taking her to all our restaurants and they are even planning on going away in May on the holiday I planned for him and I. It just feels like a total slap in the face. Did the 4 years we spent together mean so little that he can forget me and not miss anything about me so fast?

I’ve degraded myself a couple of times by trying to see if we could sort things out and pretty much begged him to reconsider as we have so much to loose. This is the first problem we’ve had in the 4 years we’ve been together so it seems wrong to throw it all away. It’s not like we argued all the time or wanted different things – we just went through a tough time and instead of supporting me, it made him not love me and run.

Do you think there’s any hope of us getting back together? Has he moved on to her because he is genuinely over me and moved on before he split with me or is this just a rebound? I am his first long term girlfriend so maybe he just got cold feet and has a case of ‘is the grass greener on the other side?’

We’ve agreed to not have any contact until at least the end of the month as we’ve spoken to each other a lot since we split trying to work out what to do with the house, our possessions, shares and money etc. He said there is no chance he wants to get back together and wants the next time we speak to be when I tell him that he no longer has to pay the mortgage which will be at the end of April.  I’m scared that if I take him off the mortgage and he moves away, I’ll never see him again and there won’t be any hope for us.

Am I being a total fool?! x

lumpylemons - 07 Apr 2010 11:05 AM

He’s taking her to see shows with tickets he brought me for valentines day, taking her to all our restaurants and they are even planning on going away in May on the holiday I planned for him and I. It just feels like a total slap in the face.

WTF? Why do you even know about this stuff? Stop putting yourself in a position to know about his new relationship. It is none of your business, and it only hampers your chances of getting over him, which is what you need to be doing. Get over him. He’s moved on, so should you.

lumpylemons - 07 Apr 2010 11:05 AM

I’ve degraded myself a couple of times by trying to see if we could sort things out and pretty much begged him to reconsider as we have so much to loose.

Stop this. Stop it, stop it, stop it. It is over. Believe it.

lumpylemons - 07 Apr 2010 11:05 AM

This is the first problem we’ve had in the 4 years we’ve been together so it seems wrong to throw it all away. It’s not like we argued all the time or wanted different things – we just went through a tough time and instead of supporting me, it made him not love me and run.

Yes, so WHY do you want to be with a person like this? This isn’t the last time in your life that things aren’t going to be perfect for you. Do you really want to worry about him running away every time things aren’t peachy?

lumpylemons - 07 Apr 2010 11:05 AM

Do you think there’s any hope of us getting back together?

No.

lumpylemons - 07 Apr 2010 11:05 AM

Has he moved on to her because he is genuinely over me and moved on before he split with me or is this just a rebound?

None of your concern. Forget about these questions. This doesn’t help you.

lumpylemons - 07 Apr 2010 11:05 AM

We’ve agreed to not have any contact until at least the end of the month as we’ve spoken to each other a lot since we split trying to work out what to do with the house, our possessions, shares and money etc. He said there is no chance he wants to get back together and wants the next time we speak to be when I tell him that he no longer has to pay the mortgage which will be at the end of April. 

Good. He’s right. There’s no reason for you to be speaking to him unless it has to do with splitting your assets. Any dealings you have with him from now on should be purely business.

lumpylemons - 07 Apr 2010 11:05 AM

I’m scared that if I take him off the mortgage and he moves away, I’ll never see him again and there won’t be any hope for us.

I’m sorry, but there isn’t any hope for you two. See here:

lumpylemons - 07 Apr 2010 11:05 AM

He said there is no chance he wants to get back together

Start being a little more angry about what a jerk he was to you. Put your foot down and tell yourself “Dammit, I do not want to be with a coward who couldn’t support me when times were tough. I do not want to be with someone whose eyes were already wandering before we had even broken up.”

Some of this might be pretty harsh, lumpylemons, but I am only trying to help you understand the reality of the situation. It may have hurt a little to hear it, but I hope it helped you.

Lumpymelons..
After your first posting and the advice you got then I am shocked to hear that you are still running round after this guy.. to use your own words degraded yourself..

Really, you are by all indications an intelligent woman, post grad study..
So why is it you are having trouble with those two words ITS OVER ??

Yes you are being foolish you are letting past emotion for this guy turn you into a blubbering mess , and if you are not careful he will use that fragile state to walk all over you.
Get yourself together and fight back.
If you want to keep your home thats fine he was the one who walked away..
Why would you want to see this man who dumped you over someone he has just met?
It would be better if he vanished and never bothered you again..

There is a whole world out there so stop pining over this dung beetle and get on with finding someone worthwhile.

You get tough love here, lumpylemons. It’s because we want to help you. cassandra said it best; listen to her.

I think it’s pretty great to hear the perspective of someone who is totally impartial, but will also tell you that you’re wrong. None of your friends in real life would tell you this, would they? Most of my friends wouldn’t.

I do appreciate what you have all said and I am grateful for the advice. I certainly didn’t mean to degrade myself. I am just so shocked that this has happened.

I don’t have a problem accepting that it’s over but at the same time, I couldn’t just walk away without really trying to make it work. I’ve lost everything through this – my job, my home, my boyfriend, my money, my lifestyle….everything that made up who I was. Surely it wasn’t wrong for me to fight to save a relationship that I believed in?

I have asked him to leave me alone for at least a month – its hard to accept something is over when he was calling me everyday and turning up at the house several times a week to pick something up and to drop in what he’s been up to with the new girl. I know he’s being cruel and that’s why I’ve asked him to stay away.

Thanks again for all your help. It is appreciated – very much. x

I know that is very difficult see the things for a bright side right now, but try to believe in a good new start, maybe you can use this situation for do new things in your job and study. You need to have hope, and be with your good friends and your family.

Hi would you consider selling the house and moving nearer some friends or family? You said you only moved so he could be closer to his family and you haven’t really settled there...? If he is the only reason you are there is because of him and you are away from friends and family and you are still in the house in which you lived with him you are bound to find it hard letting him go. You WILL find the next few weeks or months even, very hard - it was a shock and after four years you have every right to be angry/upset/depressed/questioning everything but for goodness’ sake do it on your own and not down the phone to him or even worse, when drunk! You need to allow yourself time to greive for the loss and ending of the relationship but he is doing you a big favour in a way by being so blatantly honest with you - take his word for it that there is no going back, give yourself time to greive (shout scream cry feel very sorry for yourself etc) and then start to plan the next phase of your life. Trust me (from a wise old bird!) it will get easier and you may even start to feel excited about the future again. Best of luck x

If he was thr right man for you, then none of this would have happened .............
make darn sure you get what is yours , and then leave him behind totally, it would be totally unhealthy for you to keep in contact with him, you need to focus on yourself and healing......knowing what hes up to is not gonna do you any good at all ...........
best wishes to you , the good part is you are now free to find someone much much better for you !!!!!!!!!!  keep on trucking !!!!!!!!!!!

From a guy’s perspective, I agree with all the previous posts. Don’t beat yourself up over someone that isn’t right for you in the long run.  I’ve never been in a 4 year relationship, so I don’t think I truly know what you’re going through, but I promise you that there is someone out there that is better for you. 

Best,
Jason

Lumpylemons, my eyes welled up for you reading ur post. I’m shocked more than anything.

If I can offer you anything it’s this piece of knowledge my male friend told me when I got dumped 2 weeks before a holiday with my then boyfriend who literally started a new relationship within a matter of days of ending it with me, (he too told me he didnt love me anymore.)

Anyway, my male friend told me, men tend to get over their ex’s in their current relationships. So this girl he’s now with, despite being with her, he won’t be over u at all. Men heal in their next relationships while us women tend to stay clear of relationships to allow ourselves to heal before we get involved with a new partner. So basically, he probably isn’t completely over u.

And also, if it’s any comfort to u, after my ex broke up with me after telling me he didnt love me & got a new girl straight away, yeah I did hurt like hell, couldn’t stop thinking about him, cried A LOT, didn’t eat, sleep, go out for ages. I did get over it. And now looking back (2/3 years ago) now, I can honestly say him ending it was probably for the best. I deserved better than that- to be disregarded and replaced in a matter of days. You do too. This guy is obviously not for u, if he was, he wouldn’t just fall out of love with u because u were having a hard time.

Success if the best revenge, throw yourself into ur new job, go out with friends, force yourself to. even if you feel like crap. and when you’ve been promoted or have found ur perfect man you will look back and thank this jerk for giving u a lucky escape.

all the best

x cloey x

I really enjoyed reading MillyK’s reply post… sorry but it did make me chuckle.  She is right!
Stand up for yourself and grow some balls.  Atleast he HAS a girlfriend.  I know that sounds harsh but I would find it WAY harder to get over someone if we were both stuck in limbo unable to break free - I know from past experiences.  Once I found out my first love found a new girlfriend within 2 weeks (yes 2 weeks, I beat you on this one) - I had a few days where I didn’t eat, cry, trash the house up - but you GET OVER IT!?  You can’t stay like that forever.  There is no point in crying over a man who isn’t crying over you.  So do the obvious, get fresh, get hot, get sexy AND GET OUT THERE AND GET A NEW MAN WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU FOR YOU! ♥

I am in the same situation.  And we still live together until the lease is up. But I can’t do it anymore. He has gone with his life and I am home taking care of the dogs. First I didn’t have a place to go buy my cousin told to come move in with her to get myself together. I can’t heal with seeing him everyday and weekend he is gone for two days.

I am pissed at him because he has no respect for me and I am realizing that now. He is a coward for not telling he wasn’t in love with me. I had to go to him to ask why are you acting so weird. He responds I don’t think this will work. And two days later he is saying someone. So I am sure it’s been going on for a while. Now he feels he can do what he wants now.

How can he move on so quickly. I want to be there.

Everything in the apartment is mine. And the lease is not up until the end of July. I have decided to get some money together and move out while he gone for the weekend.

Is that mean?

Hi cblackshear. Sorry for your situation.

I don’t think it’s mean for you to move out, but you’d still be responsible for paying rent there, since you have a lease, right? Just don’t get yourself into trouble by bailing on the lease.

You might want to start your own thread if you want more opinions. Good luck.

Edit: Just saw that you did make a thread. Nevermind!