Female Forum

I live in a small village were everyone knows everyone else. One of the men in my circle of friends who I got on with very well suddenly asked me out. To cut this long story short we went out got on extremely well and started going out for meals, drinks cinema etc on a regular basis.He had at that time been divorced for about 5 years and lived alone. Its now four years later we are still going out and having holidays together infact doing everything together. we phone each other at work on a daily basis as well.In all that time we have not had sex nor have we broached the subject. Neither of us is shy or introvert in any way and I know that our friends assume we are having a healthy normal relationship. I go to visit his parents with him for weekends and spend holidays and christmas with his family and he with mine. Is it possible that it might just blossom into something more or does he really only want a best friend. I love him with all my heart but I feel guilty for thinking about having a boyfriend and a sex life.

I’m confused, too. Are you two a couple? Do you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you kiss/cuddle? If the answer is no, then after four years, it seems unlikely that anything more will happen.

If the answer is yes, then you really have to talk to him about it. It’s very unusual to be dating the same person for four years without ever even talking about sex. Don’t feel guilty for wanting a sex life.

Thanks for replying so quickly, yes we do call each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

I agree, if there’s been no physical contact at all then it looks like you are ‘just good friends’.

Hi there..

If you want this relationship to progress maybe its time to bite the bullet and sit him down and talk it through.. Find out just what you each want from this relationship..

You say you love him.. If he makes it clear there is never going to be any progress or sex in this relationship will you still love him or will you resent the years you have invested in him?

At the moment you have a dear friend, but you want a friend and lover you need to ask him if he is willing to fulfill that role or if he just wishes to reamin friends so that you can find physical love eleswhere..

It could be that he is A-sexual and has no need of sex or that he is gay although not openly and likes the security of having a lady friend..

On the other hand he might be just as eager as you to take this further and is waiting for you to make a move!

You know what they say....dont ask , dont get,,

Good Luck
Cassie

Thank you for your replies, Im going to sit down with him this weekend and ask him outright what is the problem if any. Im always scared of losing his friendship as he is a wonderful friend to me

Why on earth do you feel guilty for thinking about sex with your boyfriend?  I mean wow - FOUR YEARS AND NO SEX?  Have you guys not even done foreplay yet?  Four years is such a long time I think you should know whether you want to have sex with someone within the first month of dating!  Maybe that’s just my opinion / how I’ve grown up but I’m sorry I could not be a mature woman in a healthy relationship in every other aspect and have a non-existant sex life!  Do you even want to have sex with him?  Surely you know when you kiss eachother… So I’m not quite sure what you’re asking with regards to your post?  Do you want to know how to approach him and take it to the next level?

hi jess
yes I would love to take it further. I think the problem is this- we went out as friends for so long then it became exclusive, we kiss each other and get passionate then he always says well I must get home and runs away almost. I did asks him once did he not find me attractive and he replied I think your beautiful you take my breath away.we have both been married before and arnt shy people. I cant believe I have let it go on for so long. I think Im scared of being rejected if I jump on him. gosh I sound so stupid.

No you don’t soumd stupid at all ... you have nothing to be ashamed of wondering why you don’t have sex after 4 years ... the problem seems to be his & I would say you need to know now why he holds back.

If it was me I’d have to ask him outright & make him give me an answer ... it may be just the nudge he needs. Don’t you think you are wasting your life waiting for him to make a move? I’m so sorry if I sound harsh but really ... you have to do something. He shouldn’t reject you if he says you are beautiful & take his breath away ... even he must realise you need a proper relationship? xx

violette - 13 May 2010 07:15 PM

I think Im scared of being rejected if I jump on him. gosh I sound so stupid.

No no no, you don’t sound stupid. It’s perfectly reasonable to wonder why you’re not having sex. And you’re right, you probably would get rejected if you just jumped on him and tried to initiate aggressively. He must be scared of something, and I hope you can figure it out.

We’ll be here for you when you talk to him. Good luck.

Yes I think you should come straight out with it and just say
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SEX OR TAKE THINGS FURTHER
Ha ha, perhaps if you can’t, write a text or note to him saying how you feel as that may be easier?