Female Forum

Please forgive me I don’t want to sound like a tore apart mass but I so am I have no one to really talk to about this and all I do is cry and throw up.I know anyone who has been here before it feels like my life is falling in around me. I look at at boys hugging their daddy goodnight or drawing picture of our family (cause the twin are 6 and thats all they can really write by heart id momma,daddy,brother) and I run to the other room and cry and throw up some more. I just can’t seem to get a handle on my emotions at all. I wake up looking forward to what you have to say it really does make a difference and I’m so glad I found this sight.

A bit of tough love, if I may..

Keke, pull yourself together. This is not the end of the world. It truly sucks, yes, and I feel for you, but your life will go on. Enough with the crying and puking all day - it’s completely unhealthy, unattractive, and it’s not doing anyone a bit of good. You’ve got to be strong for yourself and your kids, ok?

I understand you feel like your life is falling in around you, but it’s not. You still have your beautiful children, they still have you, and really, that’s what should come first. Anything else (like relationships) is just extra.

I hope you take my post in the spirit in which it was intended. I don’t want to tear you down or make you feel bad. I just want you to be well. And you’re not going to be well by bawling and being a mess. Pick it up, girl. You’ll survive this.

Oh KeKe

I feel for you I really do..

If he has decided then there’s not much you can do , you cant force someone to love you..

I think what he tried to say was if he stayed it would be in a loveless marriage and what good is that?

The children will adapt they will get used to being with you alone, staying together for them isn’t right children know when things aren’t right and it has an effect on them. Long term.

Obviously this is a shock for you and its hit you hard but you need to sit down and be practical about things how will you split your house and possession’s and how you will arrange things finacially. Your children deserve that.

Big hugs
Cassie

I am so sorry for your situation, but if your husband has made up his mind, then there isn’t much you can do.  Counselling may help, but only regarding how you deal with the split.  Cliche though this is, you have the rest of your life ahead of you, and you can make of it what you will.  For your sake and your children’s, take a deep breath and calm down.  This is a lot easier said than done, but you can do it.

KeKe don’t waste your time my dear, you really need to ditch him. What on earth was the statement of if there was someone else would you give up, he really is playing mind games, I think he wants you to plead with him to stay and to plead your undying love, he wants you on your knees begging, you need to kick him in to touch. Some men love mind games and those men are just not worth the trouble.  All the best to you.

I posted this on another forum but I think it applies to you too KeKe:
“If it takes you apart, that’s not love. Love puts you back together”.

Well I have not posted in a few days and its been a roller coaster I went to see a marriage counselor, my husband agreed to go also,he will go once alone and then we start together. Downside to this is he said we will go and then he will go through with the divorce. QUESTION is this another mind game I mean why bother paying the money and time if there is nothing left to work with, is he saying that just to hurt my feelings like he is getting me back for being mean or yelling at him during our marriage. One day it’s fine we did a small home improvement job on our house last night together, he wanted me to help but really he could have done it alone. I was going upstairs to tuck the boys in and he said as a joke “go ahead a walk out on our marriage”. I’m so ??????????? Oh and we are still going places as normal, sleeping together no change…

I don’t know what kind of person would use divorce as a mind game. Ok, I DO know and it’s not a very nice person, to put it mildly. You don’t play games like that with someone you love. 

Also, why are you still sleeping with someone who wants to divorce you?

Thats just it when I say nothing has changed besides us having this talk everyday our life has not changed at all. I fell asleep laying down with one of my boys and my husband came in the room woke me up and said are you sleeping in here. Why ? He could have left me alone. Thats why I say mind games to get me to do what he wants me to. Not that it is all bad he wants me to go to school and then work which I planed on doing but, he is in Law Enforcement so mind games and things of that are second nature to him. I am not saying that they are all like that but, in the type he is in it takes some tricks like that. Thanks for being so honest, I wish I could see it alittle more through your eyes. It might not be so painful.

Ok, so you think that he’s just using the divorce thing to get you to do what HE wants you to do? And you’re ok with this? Do you think it is acceptable for him to hurt you and cause you to feel insecure in your marriage? Do you want to live a life where he threatens to leave you every time you don’t do what he wants? If this is really what’s going on, frivolously threatening divorce is a really, REALLY terrible thing to do to someone you love and you don’t have to put up with it.

But if he IS serious about the divorce, he’s just being a coward about it because it’s easier to continue life normally, still sleeping with you and having you around to help with things, instead of packing up his stuff and finding a new place to live.

Either way, this isn’t good for you, Keke. I think it’s time to start making some decisions for yourself, instead of waiting around to see what he’s going to do next. I’m not a huge fan of ultimatums, but I think this situation calls for one. March up to him and say “Listen, this whole business of you saying you want to leave but then acting as if nothing has changed is making me a wreck. I need to know once and for all if you actually want a divorce. If so, then I’d like you gone by the end of the week, and I need you to stay away from me until then. If you’re not serious about a divorce, I need you to stop holding it over my head and make an honest effort at counseling. I can’t deal with your mixed signals any longer” or something along those lines. It’s not fair of him to keep you in limbo. I hope you can find the strength to help yourself out of this situation he’s put you in.

Well I agree with you! I’m doing some things for my self and our boys for sure. One is I start a Med. Class in a week so when the boys go back to school I’ll be ready to work and the boys and I are going to take a trip for a week away. Maybe some time away will help things. I really do not mean to sound like he is all bad and mean because in all of this he has been nice most of the time even if what he is saying is hurtful. I also know it’s also not all my fault like he want to make himself believe, I guess it makes him feel better and not look so much like he is the one giving up or bailing out. I also think mind games are so wrong I grew up with a father who did that to my mother all my life until they divorced 4 years ago. I can speak first hand and it is a crule thing to do.I guess thats why I see that in what is going on here I see the signs. I wish it were not like that so much. It does not take things like that for people to say Hey things are not going good we need to changes.

Keke, your husband sounds like a control freak.  Does he have a wax effigy of you by any chance, one he likes to stick pins in?  I agree with MillyK, he should put up or shut up.  I really believe in marriage and that it should not be put aside lightly. However, from what you are describing, and the effect it is having on you, I can’t help thinking that you would be better off without him.  Wanting you to go to work is not really the issue here, it is the mind games which are leaving you confused and upset.  What is a Med Class, some sort of back to work course?

If my husband treated me like dirt, ignored me in public, embarrassed me in front of his friends, showed me divorce papers and said he didn’t want our marriage to continue but still expected me to be cooking, cleaning and sleeping in the same bed as him I would probably want him sectioned, because only a delusional person would expect to treat someone so badly and then have that person carry on as normal..

I would not stand for this behaviour. KeKe I’m sorry, but what the hell are you hanging on for?
What do you see in him?
You say ; ‘he is nice most of the time even if what he is saying is hurtful’

A/ saying hurtful things is NOT something a nice person does
B/ that statement jumped out at me as being the typical line from an abused woman..

What your husband is doing is abuse. We have called it mind games but to get you to the point where you are physically sick is abusive behaviour on his part.. For goodness sake wake up ... Open your eyes and see that this is not normal not acceptable and not worth it..
Take control of your life..

If not just write ‘doormat’ on your forehead so everyone will know you are willing to let him walk all over you.

KeKe - 31 May 2010 02:19 AM

Well I agree with you! 

It’s nice that you’re doing these things for yourself (don’t do them for him!), but I don’t think you understood the point I was trying to make. To be more clear:

Either it’s a vicious mind game, or he really wants out. Both of these options mean the end of a relationship. That, combined with the fact that he’s currently put you in a pretty hurtful and horrible situation means that you shouldn’t stay with him.

I’ve reread this thread from the beginning, and to be quite truthful, he’s been pretty firm in his decision to divorce. Not once has he said (according to what you’ve told us) that he wants to work it out. I think you really WANT to believe it’s a mind game so that you don’t have to face the truth. You’re reading into his actions a lot, trying to find evidence to support your theory that it’s a game. You’re in denial. The fact that he sleeps with you, has you still doing all the cooking and cleaning (which you told us he doesn’t know how to do!) DOES NOT mean that he wants to work it out. This just means that he’s a big baby who is using you. 

I wish you’d just be MAD at him for being such an asshole to you. I’M mad at him, and I don’t even know him. Don’t let people treat you this way!

What it boils down to Keke, is you need to start respecting yourself.  And remember, we are trying to help you, not make you feel badly about yourself.  And, yes he is using you.