Female Forum

Last night my boyfriend (we live together) was on his computer and I was sitting right next to him. His yahoo chat list of contacts was up. There was a name that the first name was “me” and a very common last name. I just blurted out who is “me”? He responded with “I don’t know”. He has all of like 15 people on his contact list and for him not to know who it was, I thought was funny. I knew he was being vague about it and it made me mad. I really didnt ask the question in an accusing manner but he took it like that and we got in a huge fight. He left the house, came back drunk and it was useless trying to talk to him. He was saying that I had to have gone through his stuff or I wouldnt ask about someone that has been on his contact list since I’ve known him. I honestly had never seen the name before and having “me” as a first name just jumped out. So that was last night. He got up this morning and before he leaves everyday, he always kisses me goodbye. My stomach was in knots this morning to see if he would do it and he did. It was a quick peck and good bye, but it was something. So I said “I love you”...and no response so I said it again and he repsonded with “I don’t”, which I know he was just being stupid. So I tried to make it light and reminded him that I was going to meet a friend after work. He just shrugged his shoulders and said I don’t care, I really don’t and walked out the door. I want so badly to e-mail him and for this to all be over, but I know I should probably just leave it alone. If this happened to you, would you leave it alone or would you try talking to him and if you did try talking to him, what would you say?

As far as the actual fight, I don’t know if I would leave it alone. From how you tell it, it certainly sounds like he overreacted, but there are two sides. If it’s going to bother you, I guess you could try explaining that you weren’t being nosy and it was just an honest question.

But it’s what happened the next morning that would really bother me. If that happened to me, I would ask him if he really didn’t love me and didn’t care what I did. If he says that it’s the truth, well then the relationship would be over. But if he says “No, I really do love you and I actually do care about what you do”, then I would have a talk about not saying really hurtful things just because he’s mad. Saying that he doesn’t love you and doesn’t care is never ok. That is, unless he really means it, I guess.

Most arguments are silly.  Try apologizing to him for your part in it, and then take it from there.  If he was very drunk, he could just have been badly hung over hence the narky replies.  My advice is keep your arguments constructive.  I know it sounds strange, but even when you are cross you still need to be in control.  Be careful that you do not say things which you will regret later.  I am by no means blaming you, after all it takes two to argue, just suggesting that you don’t get to the fighting mad stage.

Sit him down, make a peace offering, say his favourite meal or whatever would work, apologize for your bit, and then let him do his bit of peacemaking.  One thing an aunt said to me years ago, when I got married, was ‘don’t go to sleep on an argument’.  It was probably the only sensible thing the old duck ever came out with!

I tried to tell him last night that I was sorry for getting upset without giving him the chance to defend myself. I know he was drunk and should have just left it until he could talk sensibly, but I couldnt sleep. It didnt really end in a fight last night. It was more of me telling him that I wasnt trying to be nosy and he just finished off with nasty remarks. He came to bed and I rubbed his back and he passed out. Then this morning...well you know how that went. I can honestly let it go because I know he likes to let things roll over without talking about it, but the fact that he walked out the door this morning saying he didnt care anymore really killed me. I cant say sorry anymore because he doesnt listen to it. I’m ready for a nice glass of wine...or maybe a few.

I was wondering is this “me” someone who he chats with often or can you see or ask him. If he does then I’d say he knows who it is if not then maybe he really doesn’t know. I know he hurt your feelings with what he said but maybe thats what he wanted to do because he was mad. I think you would feel better if you just ask a few questions and get truthful answers.
Good Luck

MissyB, from the way you describe it, you have serious communication issues in your relationship.  I think Keke has made a good point about whether you need to worry or not.  But basically, what else is going if you don’t feel you can say sorry, and you know from experience that he will not discuss things?

Do you trust him?

This ‘me’ person could just be a random contact or it could be an old friend he has forgotten to delete.
My OH’s phone is full of work contacts and pub contacts that he cant even rememeber. Every now and then the phone will ring and he will chat saying ‘ hello mate, hows things’? he will have a good laugh with the person and then hang up confused because he isnt quite sure who he has spoken to!
I trust my OH and dont worry about is or isnt in his contact list..

If you trust him you will let it go and take it as a contact that he just doesnt know /remember or want to share at this time.
If you push you might get an answer but at what cost?

I did trust him and that was the whole issue with me. It was a simple question and he chose to lie about it. He used to “chat” with girls online before we started dating and even part way into our relationship. About a year ago, there was another name on his list that I asked who it was, knowing fully well that he was “chatting” with this girl about sexual stuff when we were together. When I asked him who it was, without giving it away that I knew about their conversations (he left it open one night when we were drinking) he gave the same answer as he did yesterday “I dont know”.  I had gotten over that, because our trust has really grown and I know he doesnt talk to girls anymore, but when he answered yesterday with the “I dont know” it got me so angry because that was his lie for the last one and of course it got me to thinking, why is she the only one left on his chat out of all those girls, maybe he deletes their chats. I didnt ask him who “me” was, trying to start something, it was his vague answer that through me for a loop and started me guessing.

Anyways, just a quick update. I didnt e-mail him at all yesterday. I kept myself busy at work and about an hour before I got off, he sends me an e-mail asking me what my plans were that night and then said he wasnt mad and to drop the matter. This isnt how I like to handle things, I like to get to the bottom of things, but he likes to just let things blow over and its hard for me to accept that, but I know its the only way to go on.

What I strongly advise every couple who are having communication struggles is the following. Practice talking about the little day to day things, asking opinions, seeking advice and so on. Then when that is well and truly under your belt, get to grips with talking about more serious issues. Start with things which aren’t too contentious, and then when you have those well and truly discussed, you should be able to talk about the toughies.

Communication is a skill and it takes regular practice. Men, and especially younger men, are not good at this sort of thing. You also need to get to grips with how to avoid nasty arguments. It sounds to me that if you get the communication worked out, you should be able to discuss your concerns about trust, if you wish to do so. Avoid the out of control rowing. You mention alcohol quite a bit. It seems to me that it played a significant part in the argument and the aftermath. Never tackle anything serious when you have had a few.

I did trust him and that was the whole issue with me. It was a simple question and he chose to lie about it. He used to “chat” with girls online before we started dating and even part way into our relationship. About a year ago, there was another name on his list that I asked who it was, knowing fully well that he was “chatting” with this girl about sexual stuff when we were together. When I asked him who it was, without giving it away that I knew about their conversations.....

So you don’t trust him...You getting to the bottom of things is digging and pushing until he loses his temper.

You are basing what happened yesterday on this incident a year ago..
How will he ever prove to you that he isn’t lying about something if you are going to keep dragging up what he used to do or once did..

There is a point in all this when you have to either trust him, stop accusing him of lying and accept what he tells you or you put a stop to the relationship because living like this isn’t healthy for either of you.

I know this will make you angry, I know it isnt the warm fuzzy stuff you want to hear but there are two of you in this relationship you both need to pull your heads out of the sand and get to work or this relationship is heading for the rocks.

Cassandra-No, I am not mad. Trust me, I understand that part of this is my fault. That was the reason I was trying to apologize...for getting upset w/out giving him the chance to defend himself, but the arguement just got way out of hand. I feel I have a lot of issues from our past that I’m still trying to get over.So, you are right and hearing the truth helps a lot.

Milly_B: Not sue if this helps but several years ago I discovered Jim was chatting to a girl online via MSN and quite often, I nearly bleww my top but decided to ask him first before I castrated him, he told me she was someone who initially he answer a question to a problem she had and the just started chatting, she knew he was married and knew he was not after any relationship and just someone to chat to, I said ok then prove it let me talk to her online, he did, she was genuine, we are now good friends, she comes over to stay occasionally with her daughter. I could see after finding answers that he just wanted someone to chat and moan to that was female as blokes tend to be all macho and he can’t talk about things like our relationship with them, in fact I feel sorry for her at times, she gets Jim moaning to her and at times me moaning to her. Give him a chance, let him prove it is innocent, if he can’t then then go buy a set of nut crackers.