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Help!  My husband is SO clingy I don’t think I can stand it much longer

Posted: 13 Nov 2008 04:11 PM   Ignore ]  
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My husband wants me to call him 3 - 4 times a day. Every evening he only wants to be alone with me. He doesn’t persue any friendships and I just can’t bear all of his neediness much longer. I feel as though I’m being suffocated by him. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body but he is so emotionally “needy” that it’s overwhelming.  Has anyone had this issue and how do I handle it. In the last year I’ve gone to dinner with a female friend once and that is the total extent of my personal life without him. I’ve talked to him so many times about this and he replies that he “just loves me so much” and he “wants to be with me”. When he tells me this he’s almost tearful. He’s even jealous if our cat sits on my lap. Any ideas out there?  Ppppleasse!

Posted: 13 Nov 2008 04:20 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]  
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you dont say if you have any joint freinds? do you have people round do you go round to friends together?

I think that your husand probably needs some help, insecurity as it appears he is , is no joke for anyone, an insecure person can make life hell for themselves and for the people closest to them.

you say talking to him hasnt helped, maybe time to get some expert help?  this is not ‘normal’ behaviour is it really?

you say you dont think you can stand it much longer? time for make or break, i sort of wanted to suggest you put your foot down and went to stay with a freind or relative for a few days but logically this would probably make the situation worse when you returned.

no clear answers to this really but it sounds like it could split you up if it is allowed to continue

Posted: 13 Nov 2008 08:28 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]  
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Hi auburnblue, welcome to Female Forum. smile

I think I agree with gemini here. This relationship is not healthy. I think your husband needs some professional help here to help him overcome whatever it is that,s troubling him so much.

What is it that he thinks will happen if you go out for the evening? What about jobs? Does he mind you being at work all day?

He sounds very unhappy to me, and I should make him an appointment with his doctor so that he can get the help I think he needs. Let us know how you get on.

When you get a chance, would you like to start up your own thread on introductions and tell us a little bit more about yourself? Just so we can be nosey. smile introductions
And maybe fill out your profile here, so we can be even nosier. wink your profile

Posted: 13 Nov 2008 10:31 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]  
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Hi auburn. Was your husband always this way or is this a recent thing? If it has only started happning lately I wonder if you can trace back to an event that made him change and become more clingy? Maybe similar to what gemini said about joint friends, if you dont have any maybe you should go out to clubs and groups together and socialise that way. He will be happy as you are still with him and you get time where you dont have to concentrate on him 100% of the time.

Being jealous even when the cat sits on your lap does sound a little odd though. Again, I still wonder if he has always been like this or if this is a more recent change.

Posted: 14 Nov 2008 09:54 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]  
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Is he a bit of a mother’s boy by any chance? I wonder if he was a needy child and his mother always done everything for him and he is expecting the same from you?

Posted: 15 Nov 2008 04:19 AM   Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]  
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Hi auburnblue, great to see more people seeking advice and ideas from female forum. Sorry to hear about your struggles in your relationship. All relationships go through ups and downs but if you feel like you are reaching a certain point in that relationship maybe it is time to have your husband seek professional help…

If I were in a situation like this, my husband being very high maintenance and clingy, I would ultimately feel driven away from the relationship. Certainly you deserve to be your own individual with hobbies, friends and ability to make time to do the things you want to do. I’ve read that clinginess can be the cause of insecurities, abandonment at childhood, no self-esteem and jealousy. Could his clinginess be because of any of these reasons and like blonde asked is there an event that you can trace back that this may have started from?

Posted: 16 Feb 2009 09:20 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]  
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I’ve had the same issues for 15 years with my beloved husband.  He has issues with his mother and an absent father.  It’s a combination of her hands-off mothering (although she was never cruel or mean) and his needy temperament that I’m sure he has always had.  His mom was the type that took care of all the physical needs of her children but didn’t quite get the emotional.  They were clean, well-fed, well-housed, taught manners, taken to church, yada, yada.  But to this day she’s not a very emotional person, even with grandchildren.  But she is a good person.  He’s still resentful and still making her pay for it.

Only thing is I’m picking up half that bill!  His neediness has taken different forms over the years and has changed in expression since having kids.  I used to have to do things like stroke his neck and his arm when he drove long distances.  I would stroke his back as he fell asleep, at his insistance.  And if I fell asleep before he did, he’d complain if I stopped.  And this was when I had a young child so I was ALWAYS tired.  He used to always ask me if he was good looking.  Those are just examples.  He’s a little less demanding now except always needing to make love.  He drops by my office about 2x a day for mundane things that can wait.  He loves his kids but sees us (I believe) as more of a COUPLE while I see us as a FAMILY. 
I was a loner growing up and I’m happy to just sit and read a book or watch a program I really enjoy.  I spend lots time with my kids but cultivate in them the ability to be alone and happy.  My daughter is fine but my boys are starting to emulate him.  I’m working on that.

The thing that bugs me about my husband’s clinginess is that he has more outside interests than I do!  We live in his town so he has lots of friends.  Between the kids and him, my schedule is full.  He is needy when he’s with me.  He’s needy if I make plans outside the home.  But he’s fine when he’s with his crew.  I call it CONTROL.  He swears its LOVE and gets angry when I say his affection is more about what he’s missing than his love of me.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe he does love me.  But, I always say he operates in 1 of 3 modes:  ALL-OVER-ME or POUTING or GONE.

He tells me lots of women would love to have my complaint but I don’t think so.  It is emotionally exhausting, even though I understand and sympathize.  I think catering to it has made him lazy and relucttanct to do anything about it.  I’ve suggested counseling but he refuses.  I considered ending our marriage over this but decided to keep our family together.  But he is driving me crazy!  Advice?

Posted: 03 Nov 2010 01:10 AM   Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]  
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Thanks all for sharing.  I am really glad to have read what others wrote considering I am in the same boat as well.  I am in my mid-twenties and have been married for just over one year.  My husband is a few years my junior and we dated for a number of years before getting married.  He was a mama’s boy until his middle school years, at which time his parents became physically abusive, and as a result he was suicidal.  He has dealt with insecurities ever since, and I am afraid those insecurities are the root of his clinginess, which has become extremely unattractive.

My father didn’t like him from the beginning - no thanks to me being the first-born and my father being an absolute control freak.  But I feel like I’ve traded one freak for another.  This Thanksgiving I want to visit my family, but my husband has class work and doesn’t want to spend time with my family.  He whines that he’ll “be all alone for Thanksgiving - again!”.  His parents left him alone one Thanksgiving weekend while he was in middle school as punishment.

I am completely family oriented, and I have lost most touch with my family this last year.  I use excuses like “I’m busy” or “I’m working” - most of the time that is true, but I want to travel to my family and spend time with them.  I am getting so tired of my husband saying “You don’t want to spend time with me” - and all I do is move to the bedroom or living room to have some time to myself.  I am currently unemployed so I spend most of my time at home, but my husband feels that I need to be by his side (literally on the couch with him) 24/7.  I even started changing my sleeping schedule so I am awake when he is asleep so I can just have some peace and quiet alone.  Also, I make all of the food, and he asks me to fetch him food.  He is just playing a video game and he asks me to make whatever food his stomach desires.  The only food he will fix for himself is a bowl of cereal - that’s because I “don’t do it right”.  I am the one who goes grocery shopping, I am the one who cleans and does laundry, I am the bread winner.  I feel like I am putting a child to bed every night - like someone already posted, he wants a massage or back rub or hand massage every night.  I am exhausted.

In typing this out, I realize that I really need professional counseling, however, my husband refused pre-marital counseling and I am sure that he will refuse it now.  I am just about at my wits end, and am not sure how long I can remain “happy” in this marriage - considering I am not happy with the relationship now. 

To top it off, I was a lesbian prior to meeting him (I never had sexual relations, but I knew since 8th grade that I was attracted to women), and I can’t say that I completely left that behind.  I have never been attracted to any other man - just my husband.  He was “the one” who I loved so much and with so much passion that I was willing to set my true nature aside.  The more clingy he becomes the more dramatic he is and I do not find that attractive.  I married a man to be manly - if I wanted drama I would have married my first true love - a girl.  His clinginess has made me lose my sexual drive to be with him.  Also, we abstained from sex prior to marriage, and in retrospect, I completely support sex before marriage, because one should be sure that the feelings go beyond infatuation.

Right now I just needed to let that out - literally, I never came out to my parents.  Before dating my husband I made it clear to him that I was attracted to women, but I honestly don’t think he understood the depths of such feelings.  He is always concerned that I am attracted to other men, but he really needs to worry about the ladies.  The last three months all I can think about is “What was I thinking?!?  Why did I get married?”  I also feel that my parent’s refusing to accept him from the beginning made our relationship more appealing.  My family is devoutly religious, as had I been until I got married.  Not 6 months into the marriage, but we stopped going to church, and basically had to sever most ties with those people.  And now my lesbianism has come back with a roaring vengeance and I am having a hard time dealing with everything.

Sorry that I went so off topic, but I am so afraid that if I confront him, or even divorce him, that he’ll commit suicide (I am not being melodramatic here) or become a hermit like we have already become.  Also, why did I not see this to begin with?  I feel like part of us separating would be because I should have known better because of being gay.

I have thought about having an affair with my past love so many times.  Anyway, I’m going to seek professional help as well, but I appreciate anyone’s input.  It was very therapeutic just posting this.

Posted: 03 Nov 2010 08:33 AM   Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]  
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Oh dear…


The fact is for whatever reason you started out in this marriage on a lie…You say you are a lesbian and yet you never told him.
As for setting your true nature aside, sorry but it just isn’t that easy. We can put up a mask, we can try, but sooner or later the mask slips and the true person will get out.
You need to be honest with yourself first..

Religion just adds to the problems and if you don’t believe then just leave that out of it because it will only muddy the water.

Your husband….well he sounds like a train wreck.He has simply replaced his mother with you from the sounds of it.
If he has issues he needs counselling ...you are not qualified to give it nor am I, so he needs to go see a professional.
No IFs BUTS or MAYBE about it, he needs help.

Im glad that you say you are going to find help. It may be enough for you to just tell someone and get some one to one feedback. If you are not happy with him than its understandable that past loves will seems attractive right now..But don’t add to a messy situation and put yourself in a position where you are the bad guy in the whole story..
Try to sort things out in your head first decide what it is you want ...if you want to go ahead with the marriage you will need help together and you will need to be honest with him ( some men find it a turn on) he may or may not decide he wants to continue but you have to be honest. He has the right to that.

As for other people well you cant live your life for other people they will do what they think is right and you cant change that so you have to accept it. You may loose some friends/family but you may find support where you least expect it.

I wish you luck, and remember there is always someone here if you need a rant or a friendly ear smile

Posted: 03 Nov 2010 12:21 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]  
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Oh dear, this does seem a mess and it seems to be the wrong parts of what I got right, my parents hated Jim, I was bi and Jim did have a lot of problems but I was prepared for them, he knew from day one I was Dominant and I was bi but with more leaning towards males, as cass said he found it a turn on as he did my Dominance which is the thing that attracted him to me. Over the next quarter century we have had some very hard times but also some magical times, the latter being more, I had to give my parent an ultimatum of accepting Jim or they would never see me or their grandchildren again, it worked, they now think he is far better than my sisters waste of space who was once the golden boy and he can now do no wrong in their eyes. Jim due to his condition was also very clingy but over the years we have got round this and for most part he functions quite well. As for religion, forget it. Now you need to decide are you lesbian or bi and just a bit scared of how he is, this may seem harsh and some may slate me for this but if you love him and want to stay together then the only way I can see is that you begin a female led marriage where you take a dominant role, because to me it seems he is very submissive to you and will do anything for you, by doing this you will be able to calm his insecurities and keep both of you very happy but as cass says it looks as he will need some therapy to kick things off. I will help all I can with this but it has to come from you, pm me if you wish to talk more.

Posted: 03 Apr 2011 12:15 AM   Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]  
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Hi I think that I can related to how you feel. I’ve been married for 22 years, things were fine for a long time. I mean like every other marriages we had our usually ups and downs but it seems as the years go by and our kids get older we argue constantly. My husband is very clingy and emotionally needy, even the kids see it now. I am 39 years old and don’t have much interest in sex and i am not the kind of person to sit and cuddle all day long on my days off and that’s whats he wants. If i go out with friends he is always mad,even though he says to go, he just want to be with me constantly and if we are home together he always wants to cling. He don’t understand that i have things to around the house, he really doesn’t help with anything. Don’t get me wrong I spent time with but I feel he always wants more and I want to spend some of that time with my kids before the move out, for example my daughter is 19 and we are really close and he is jealous when if we are spending time together. There is so much more, if I keep writing I won’t stop. Just an example of his needy situation, (he had an interview yesterday and the night before I went out with my friends after and he was mad because I was home for emotional support before his interview) He is interviewing for a new position in the same company with the same person that hired him the first time but he really likes to over think things too much and if you say some thing to him he hears what he wants and the we get into an argument. For example yesterday there is a noise coming from my car, so he check it said it was fine. then we were leaving to go out and he said that then noise is louder than her heard earlier, so then I ask if he had the radio on or not and right away he said I am stupid of course I had the radio off. It was a question, I didn’t call him stupid. His jealously is very over bearing I can’t even get and text or a call without him asking who it is. A few months ago I got in touch with a friend from high school and he found out we were talking and he said that I cheated on him, when all we did was talk to an old friend, yeah I admit that we did have some intimate conversation but no sex talk. We just talk about things like what if we did hook up in high school…just talk. Anyway my husband don’t even want to hang out with the boys unless I am going, my boys are 21 and 14. My 14 year old refuse to spend time with him alone, he told the kids last night that they need to thank him for what he does for them. I told him that kids don’t need to thank their parents, its our duty to do what we can for them, we brought them into this world they didn’t ask to be here. I was raised that way that why i and close with my family, my parents did what the had too for us, and now do the same in return. I think my husband has too much free time to sit and feel sorry for himself, he needs to go and do some male bonding or find a hobby….Please give some advice.

Posted: 03 Apr 2011 10:06 AM   Ignore ]   [ # 11 ]  
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Stacy, you are right he need something to occupy him and get his brain working and get some friends, suggest he do a course or something but more impotant he sounds on the edge of clinical depression, remember depression doesn’t always mean your down it can take other forms. Take charge, get him checked for that and make him do something and if it is found he has depression keep the kids fully informed.

Posted: 06 Apr 2011 05:04 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 12 ]  
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Thanks for the advice LadyCaz, exactly what you advice I’ve already suggested and he don’t think any thing is wrong with him. Since my lats post I have slept in the bed and he is acting like everything is okay. He says he is not happy but he doesn’t want to accept that I am tired of trying and its time to move on, his excuse is my 14 year old, he says that he don’t want to leave because of him. He has called everyone in my family and told them they need to talk with me that I am out of control. It just embarrassing that he told my older brother and my Mom who is not in the best of health now she is worried. He actually give me an ultimatum, he said that I need help and if I don’t get help this week he will get it for me. Al when we talk he asked if I want him to leave and I said do whatever makes you happy so he ask if I was happy and I said no but he still insist that we can work this out. I don’t we can because he keeps bringing the past. Oh and he also said that he will forget about the past if I treat him good (I think he means with sex, cuddles and just everything else I am not ready to give 100% as yet. Like I had said before I cannot satisfy all his needs, he just wants too much. Thanks again

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