Something non-consensual happenened several times between myself and an older person close to me when I was a child.  I am uncertain how best to handle this.  I have denied it to myself for a long time, but it continues to bother me.  To make things more complicated, I actually am emotionally- platonically- attached to the person to whom these memories are attached.

And he is not the only one who was inconsiderate of my childhood.  There is a tremendous tear in me between wanting to yell at them and also feeling for them.  I don’t know how to be.

I feel guilty for attacking them, and I also feel guilty for defending them.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.

gingersnap, please, please do not hide this if it is what I suspect, do not feel guilty for attacking but do not feel you have to defend them, from your previous posts I suspect this is not non-consensual but in fact it has eaten into your emotional life, you need bring it out and if someone has to pay for what happened to you as a child so be it because you have certainly suffered from it. I feel I want to yell at you but why should I it is not your fault. if you need help talk to any of us.

Its difficult for victims and families, after all you and your family may know this person as a kind and friendly person, a person not given to wicked or nasty deeds and yet they did do that wicked thing…Its hard to reconcile yourself with the knowledge that the monster is still there insoide the nice external skin they wear..

People around you will only see the outer skin ,, the nice person they are blind to the monster within so its hard for them to understand when told that what they are looking at isnt the real deal..
( are you following me here?)
Your feelings in not wanting to attack or rock the boat are quite normal.

I wont say what you should do because only you now whats best for your situation.
But know one thing, no matter what happend you had no blame, and you should never think or allow yourself to be told that anything is or was your fault.

As Caz says we are not experts but we are real people and we are here to help if and when you need us..
Cass

I think you are brave and courageous Gingersnap. Thats a terrible thing to have to deal with having your childhood taken away . As far as the feelings go, that is natural.  I don’t know how you can even deal with being in the same room with these people or as they should be called pedophiles, because thats what they are. Of course they are happy that you appear to like them and be happy and carry on like nothing is wrong. If you didn’t then people would notice something is wrong, and asks questions. So their secret is safe.

Is there anyone in your family you could confide in? You never know, they may have noticed something and can’t bring themselves to admit it . And is it possible that this is still going on, if they did it back then, then they are still doing it now, pedophiles don’t stop doing what they do until they are stopped.

I agree it is a hard decision to have to make, do you say something and create a shitstorm or just keep doing what you’ve been doing and play the cards you were dealt….

gingersnap, unfortunately these types of incidents occur maybe even more than we know. My first thought is you owe these people nothing…they owe you! An apology. Would you consider talking to a professional about your mixed emotions? They may better help you figure it all out and come to a conclusion that doesn’t leave you feeling so wobly. Go easy on yourself, you’ve done nothing wrong.

gingersnap, please sit back and look at the responses and support from total strangers, you cannot fail to see from this you are not in the wrong and people will not see you has this, please please find the strength to purge these demons from you, it is you who has been wronged and others who need too be punished why do you have to suffer this internal pain.

I am so in agreement with all these ladies… and in particular I agree with myturn in that it is advisable to seek professional guidance and help. You are indeed one courageous lady… please don’t carry this any longer…. HUGS xox

Thank you Lady Caz, Cassandra, Kamille, Myturn, and SocialGirl.  I have been afraid to view the comments on my forum entry.  And also more afraid to admit to myself that I wrote what I wrote.

Thank you for being kind and understanding.  Since my last writing, I have taken measures to ensure other young peoples’ safety.

well done gingersnap, I am pleased you found the strength to do this. it may have hurt initially but now you can start living again

Helping others is so rewarding and in effect is self-helping/healing too. Facing yet alone verbalizing such is daunting… but once you have overcome that hurdle, it’s the beginning of a journey in which you will become the victor…. setting you free.

Many people I know say that speaking the words out loud or writing them down in black and white make its all real..

Im sorry to hear you were afraid to look until now but so encouraged to hear that even without knowing what we had said you chose to do something so positive..

It takes a lot of courage to do that, you should be very proud of yourself.

Well done and remember if it gets tough we are always happy to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on….

Cass

I applaud you Gingersnap, whatever measures you did took courage. You’re a brave soul.

chin up…it will get better.