Why will my friend not explain why she dumped me?

I had a best friend for 7 years, I was bridesmaid at her wedding. 3 months after this, I became pregnant (she was also trying). I had not told my partner I had started to try to conceive, but we had discussed previously and decided it would be this year. It was meant to be a beautiful surprise (which it was for him). My friend had not managed to get pregnant. I sadly miscarried and lost the baby. Her husband called me despicable 2 days after the miscarriage (on my birthday) for not having let my fiancé know that I had stopped taking the pill.

The next day I wrote an email explaining that we had discussed it would be this year (8 months ago), that it was meant as a beautiful surprise and that was how it was received by him (we have been together for 10 years and own a house together). My friend’s husband apologised and my friend also said she was sorry for discussing it behind my back (I had told her I had stopped taking the pill in confidentiality). She also apologised.

I became pregnant, with a wonderful stroke of luck, within the next month. My friend and I had seen each other a few times and there were no real issues. I was still quite upset at the thought that her husband could think I was being intentionally deceptive to my partner, but thought that as I had explained, they had apologised, it would be slightly awkward for a bit (being over the loss of my baby) and then move on. I chose to forgive.

She was not very happy when I told her I was pregnant (she has only been trying for 4 months), but did try to pretend. I felt sad for her and did not talk about it with her. Time went on and she started to withdraw from me. I then began to have problems in my pregnancy. I was twice hospitalised bleeding with a placental abruption (worse case scenario me and baby both die) and signed off work to stay at home and move around as little as possible. She knew and never came to see me.

At a wedding of a mutual friend, she was drunk. She came up to me and told me she was sorry for being a bad friend but she was jealous of me. I held her hand and told her I forgave her. I left the wedding early but then found out the next day that she had been discussing me with my fiancé behind my back after I left. She had taken his side on an argument of mine and his they chose to discuss. He told me this which angered me as from somebody who had not bothered to see or make any effort with me for months whilst I had been suffering, it hurt to hear her now talking behind my back. I confronted her on the issue.

She wrote me a letter saying she was sorry and that she hadn’t meant to cause stress. Then she blocked me from being able to write on her facebook wall. This really hurt as it is not the sort of thing I would do at all and it seemed like she was very concerned with her public image as I was able to send her an email. I responded to her letter saying that she had hurt me, but that I wanted to be able to resolve our friendship as we had had good times together and I would be sad not to. Signed with a a kiss.

We met up one more time and she put me down in front of her husband (my topic of conversation was boring). 2 weeks went by and it was the date for my childbirth- arranged as I had to be induced (she knew the date). I waited all day for a text to say “good luck”. It never came.

But then she did say congratulations and “know you are loved” the next day. However, she did not come and visit after my difficult birth when I could not walk for a month. Other friends came and made dinner, said hello etc. She eventually came round when invited with a present. Which I appreciated (her visiting).

She didn’t really contact me anymore and whenever I tried to arrange to see her she was always doing something. On her 30th birthday, I asked if she was doing anything, she said no. I went to her house and dropped off a present. She phoned later that day and said thank you and would i like to go over to her house for drinks at 9pm. I said I would love to celebrate her 30th with her. I arrived and there was a preplanned party that I had not been invited to. I had to sit on the end of the table and watch everyone eat. This was the woman who had been my best friend, I was her bridesmaid just months before. I tried not to cry and held my own. But burst into tears when I got in the car with my fiancé. She continued to meet up with other friends of ours but excluding me.

At my 30th birthday, he planned a surprise party for me. She and her husband argued as she did not want to come (I found this out later), but at the party- she did turn up- she said to my face how glad she was that we were friend again.

2 weeks later, her husband takes my fiancé aside in a bar and tells him that she and I are not getting on (She has not communicated anything with me).

I finally find out she is pregnant. She only tells me after I have texted her a joke (trying to keep her happy, keep the friendship going as she was my best friend who I thought was just going through a rough time as she couldn’t conceive). She has been pregnant for 3 months. But still no effort from her. And this is how she tells me. This was the reason she gave me for not being there when i was in and out of hospital, why she had been so frosty, not invited me to her birthday etc. It was the final straw of her making me feel awful.

I sent her a facebook message saying she was a fair weather friend, she no longer had an excuse. I asked her what i had done to deserve her treatment and told her what she had done that hurt. I ended with asking for an explanation and what I had done to warrant it. She blocked me from ever writing to her again. Then her husband phoned up my fiancé and told him she never wanted to be in contact with me again. He wouldn’t say anymore.

What did I do? This is not the first time she has stopped contact with a friend. She has no long term friends. Am I a victim of a social climbing woman?

Does it really matter why?

The way you describe it sounds a lot as if she was jealous or unable to cope with your pregnancy.
She may have taken something you said or did the wrong way, she may just be unhinged…

The bottom line is if she doesn’t want contact then thats her choice. I know it sounds hard but you have other things to worry about and your own life to lead..

People move on , they change, its a fact of life, shes said she wants no contact , if I were you I would keep my nice memories of the good times and just let her go…

Im not saying be nasty or hateful or even bear a grudge just let go…Find new friends, ones who can share interests without jealousy.

Thank you for your reply.

I am going to respect her wishes and not contact her again, for sure.

But, I am left wondering why she wouldn’t give me an explanation. Maybe I shouldn’t care. It just seems so strange and unfair that someone who I was so close to for 7 years would just treat me as if I had been “downgraded”, leave me when I needed her (although the jealousy of baby could explain that but only initially) and just not even be bothered to give me an explanation why.

I am finding it hard to give it closure. My fiancé says she does not deserve my friendship and has been saying it for a while, but I know he just wants me to feel better.

I just want to know what went wrong

She and the husband seem to do an awful lot of discussing you, behind your back, with your fiance, which I don’t think is right, with friends like that who needs enemies.

I would just close the book on it and move on.  Chances are if you wait awhile you will probably find out the reason, I’m sure the “men” will be discussing it.

And your fiance is right, she doesn’t deserve you.

I appreciate how you feel ... one does not expect such treatment from a long standing friendship. Agree the reasons will eventually come out;  it’s a hurtful situation Emily but for now there’s not much you can do other than walk away. xox

As others have said, let it lie, if this is just an emotion thing she may come round again or one day you will see each other have a good cry and make up, or it goes the opposite and you never see each other again, don’t swell on it, enjoy your life.

Thank you for your honest responses.

It is very hard and we share a lot of mutual friends. For example, it was a mutual friend of ours birthday party recently but she refused to go because I was going.

She also phoned up another mutual friend whose party I had been invited to for New Years (she hadn’t been invited- he knew nothing of the dispute, just hadn’t invited her) and asked if he was “taking sides”.

It seems intimidating that she is phoning up mutual friends to ask such questions. I am certainly not going to avoid going to places in case she is there. I don’t know why she feels this need?

To me those actions are a sign of immaturity! You continue to be who you are… don’t be intimidated, and ja, most certainly don’t drop your mutual friends; if she doesn’t want to be around when you are, then thats her problem. xox

I have since received this email from a mutual friend:

Hey Emily, how’s it going. I just thought I’d drop you a line because I’m having a birthday party on 4th February, but I noticed on the Lucid thread that you thought you had already used up all your February babysitting. Also I heard that you and Georgia have had a parting of ways and I’d already asked her along. I hear it’s quite bad, so I wasn’t sure if I should ask both of you or if that would be a bad idea. Are you ok? I thought you and she were really close so it must be very upsetting for both of you. Is there anything I can do? Do you need anyone to talk to? I’m not trying to interfere, and I’m not going to take sides, but I would like to be a friend to you if you need to unburden yourself.

Hugs hugs, T x x x

End of email. Is she trying to say she doesn’t want me there and would prefer my friend Georgia there?

Or am I now reading to much into things and getting paranoid?

I think you reading too much however I would suggest that the friend in question is planting seeds or would it be weeds! I would accept this email in the light in which I believe it was intended and accept the invitation. If she didn’t want you there I doubt she would have bothered to mail you. Perhaps you can glean from her exactly what’s going on in view of her comment “I hear it’s quite bad” ... the other has obviously given her some input!!!!!

Thank you so much for taking your time to respond

I replied to the friend with this email (I have already confided in one mutual friend but don’t want to go around discussing it with everyone as I don’t want to be a gossip or slate somebody who may give me an explanation for something. But should I give my side of the story in case Georgia is going round spreading anything about me? I don’t know what is going on or how malicious she has the potential to be??)

My response:

Hello Tor,

I was going to go to your birthday as you already mentioned it to myself and Jon at Elissa’s party. Did Georgia bring this up with you? I am curious about this.

I have asked Georgia for an explanation of a few things which have happened over the last year and a half that have upset me. She has asked for me never to contact her again.

I am in a conundrum where I would like to let people know exactly what is going on (for fear of appearing I have something to hide), but I then run the risk of going around slating someone I used to be very close to which I am not sure it is the most dignified way to go. It is all extremely difficult and extremely upsetting.

I am going to continue with my life as normal and will not be avoiding anything. I certainly want to celebrate my friend’s birthday with them.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words

Hugs back

xxxx

End of email

I think your friends email to you was polite and showed just the right concern without being overly gossipy or asking for details..

Your reply is equally as polite and quite clear in ytour intentions that you will be expecting life to continue as normal and wont be going out of your way to avoid this person..

I think this is a good approach..Dont get into the tit for tat gossip and muck spreading it lowers your standards, and dont worry if she has said something about you ,, true friends will know the truth or will ask you outright..The ones who turn their backs or slide off under a rock were never real friends..

Thank you so much for responding again. I have since had a reply to my email with further information as to (or so I am told) Georgia is behaving behind my back with them. (email from the mutual friend who has invited me and her to her forthcoming birthday party)

The email goes like this:

I know very little, Lorna mentioned it to me this weekend. She and Georgia have become quite friendly due to the nutritional thing, and Georgia hadn’t said much to her, just that you had fallen out about something. Georgia came to tea on Friday because Lorna was visiting and we spoke about it a little, she seemed puzzled and very sad about the whole thing really. So all I know is that the two of you have fallen out about something, it’s quite vague really. It wasn’t her that brought the subject up though, it was Lorna.

I just wanted to check in on you as I thought you must be equally upset and need some support. I couldn’t just leave it and pretend I wasn’t aware that something had happened, even though I have no idea what!!

Hugs, T x x x

End of email.

How can she say she is puzzled? She chose to sever all contact with me after I asked her why she had behaved as she had. It seems odd she should now be going around saying she is sad and puzzled when I am the one asking the questions, not severing the contact!!! My brain is exploding with trying to work out what is going on :(

Excellent response Emily….  reading between the lines of your friends mail I think she knows already who you are and what you are made of… walk tall girlie xox

Emily… I think it’s a form of defense, justification for her own behavior… personally I would take it from whence it came. The truth shall “will out”.