My husband and I always planned to have 3 children. We currently have two boys aged 4 and 16 months. Recently my husband told me that he doesn’t want anymore children, that the thought of us having another baby makes him feel ill. Before falling pregnant with our second child, we discussed trying for a girl and decided that we wouldn’t bother, that if we had another boy we could try for a girl on the third go around. I am now DESPERATE to have another baby, specifically a daughter. Plenty of people say I should just ‘forget’ the pill, have an ‘accident’, or just ignore him and get pregnant anyway. I have far to much respect for my husband and our relationship to be so deceitful. Because of that, I feel like I’m in a situation where I am losing by default.

I feel like I am grieving the loss of a child yet to be conceived… (stangely these feelings are much stronger than when I suffered a miscarriage before either of our sons were born). When he asked why I was so upset, and I expressed it in terms of ‘how can any woman not be upset when they can’t have a child that they desperately want?’ he dismissed my feelings as dissimilar to those of a woman who is childless and can’t conceive. I know I should be grateful that I have 2 healthy, happy sons, but can’t help thinking that if I’d known my husband’s decision before I was pregnant the second time, I would have tried for a girl. Even if after trying for a daughter we still had a second son, at least I would have been prepared for him to be my last child.

How do I deal with this? On one hand I want him to change his mind so so much! But I also don’t want to make demands or say childish things like ‘but you promised’. Has anyone else had a similar problem?

Has anyone got any thoughts to share? I’m still really struggling with this.
Thanks

Elli, its a tough one really and I don’t have anything of value to offer other than perhaps you should let it go for a few months and try again at a later stage… I would use gentle persuasion - no good will come from having a ding-dong over it… he may just dig in his heels… open up to him and tell him how you are feeling deep, deep down…. explain the loss you are feeling, etc. Have you thought of writing him a letter! Don’t know girlie…. (((HUGS)))

Thanks SocialGirl, I know making a big song and dance about it now is not going to help anything. I suggested to him that we wait a few months before we talk about it again, and he told me he’s not going to change his mind…

So I guess all I can do now is wait and hope.

Absolutely Elli, our men have been known to change their mind eventually, hey. how about using some of your positive affirmations? Focus on what you want and not on what you don’t want

Oh, believe me I’m focusing. “I WILL have a daughter.”

you hold onto those thoughts girl

One child, even two might be enough to change a person’s mind, so maybe two children might be all he can handle at this point Ellivan, have you talked to him as to why he has had a change of heart? Sometimes what we want isn’t always best.

My mom always wanted boys, and she ended up with 4 girls, my aunt always wanted a boy, she had 6 girls before she finally had her boy, so who’s to say.  Other than saying just enjoy the family you have, If it’s ment to be, it will be.

Quite so Kam…. my g/f had 6 boys - 2 still-births/miscarriages of which it was determined they were boys! I have heard nowdays one can through certain procedures choose the sex of one’s child - how full proof, or even true that is I don’t know.

I think the choice of gender for your baby is only available for IVF, when embyros can be tested and then selectively implanted. Otherwise its down to the timing of your cycle. Up to 3 days before ovulation, a girl is more likely, after that a boy is more likely. This is because ‘boy’ sperm (technical term ) swims faster, but ‘girl’ sperm lives longer. To conceive a girl you need to time it so that by the time you ovulate there are no more ‘boy’ sperms.

Kam, I know I should be happy with the family that I have, and I am! I wouldn’t change my boys for anything! The hardest part is that this is not a decision that has been made in partnership. HE decided that we were not having any more children. I feel like what I want counts for nothing.

Some good news though, because of this and some other issues, we have agreed to see a relationship counsellor. So hopefully a mediator will help us come to an agreement within our partnership.

Thanks for the clarity Elli…. you seem pretty clued up on these matters. Darn, do you think I could think of the word ‘gender’ lol.

Well that is very encouraging to hear…. worthwhile seeking outside guidance Elli.