I hope i’m not being rude by just joining and venting here but i’m really at my wits end and it would mean the world to me for someone to read this!

november last year i met someone from online. I went to his house and it was almost like love at first sight, we couldnt take our hands off eachother and it was wonderful. He always mentioned how his exes were huffy and he hated that, so i always felt on pressure not to be annoyed or upset by anything. He just wanted me to fit into HIS lifestyle and never really made much effort otherwise. Anyway, so about two weeks ago i was going a bit crazy, i felt super insecure because i really felt head over heels and wasnt sure if it was reciprocated, so i started acting weird and he was fine with this.

Then one night, as per usual he fell asleep on the sofa (he always did this) which irritated me for some reason, so i went to bed alone, i always felt sad because going to bed with him was my favourite thing, and thought he would feel the same. Anyway, so i was in bed, tossing and turning and i thought ok stuff this, im fed up with this happening over and over, i went to his computer to go on facebook, and the temptation was too strong….i looked at his internet history. First of all i found transgender porn, and to be honest porn really does not bother me in the slightest, and the tranny thing doesnt bother me much either, but my friend thinks this is completely wrong. The other thing i found was that he had been on chat rooms, and i saw he was looking at all these girls profiles with pictures. It hurt me a lot in the moment. so i turned the computer off, went downstairs and tried to wake him (very hard) i said look i did something bad i looked at your computer, which i know i shouldn’t have. He said, porn? i said, porn doesnt bother me! he said well i dont have anything else to hide. I said about the girls things and he immediately shut up, i said are you looking for someone else, he said NO in a really nasty way. He was still half asleep so i said ok im going home, clearly i love you a lot more than u love me. So i left. about half way down the road i realised i left my phone there and i was like grrrr so i went back and saw that he had locked the door and gone up to bed already. i knocked and he came down, didnt say two words to me, and i said…i left my phone. i got it then i said…can i please stay?....so he let me. he would barely touch me. the next morning we had sex, i said after have i ruined things? he said…no. but i could tell he was weird with me.

It all went downhill from there, he barely text me and i arrived down at his house a couple nights later feeling desperate. He said im sorry but i cant do this, the whole huffing and all this, i cant take the stress of this, i want to be single. i was single for two years and i did fine, i dont need this. i managed to change his mind but again he was still cold with me. so for a week i tried not to contact him much, he agreed we’d meet up the next weekend, even though he had asked me if he could see me less. so i called on the thursday and he said…hey do u mind if i go out with my friend instead on saturday, u can come too (i didnt really believe he wanted me to go tho) i said no no u go and have fun. he said come tomorro instead, and i thought na, stuff u i need to be colder. So i said i was going to the pub. he seemed happy about this. He was always talking about, wanting to be able to do what he wanted without coming back to a huff about it, so he encouraged me to have my own life. THEN i got a phonecall on the friday morning from the hospital, i had a test done a couple weeks ago….i have chlamydia!!! so i went and got the tablets etc. but i had to tell him. So instead of waiting and telling him to his face i called him that day and told him. He was angry, said it was probably not from him, he didnt want to see me anymore and it was just too much stress.

i begged and pleaded to come see him that night and eventually he actually agreed? but just as friends? so i went and he had changed his tune again, he was all cold. He looked really upset. So i couldnt just sit there watching a movie with him i wanted to talk. As soon as i started talking about the relationship he got really annoyed and said….this is what im talking about…i dont want this. he said there is nothing you can say to change my mind, i dont want a relationship, i think you should go.

i said please let me stay, ill go straight to the spare room. he said ok.its ok you dont have to go to bed right now. So about five minutes later i jumped on him and tried to kiss him, he said no…but then he let go and he got really into it, grabbing me, and our usual passion was back, then he pushed me away and said “no, i shouldnt have done that”, then we lay down beside eachother watching tv.

we went to bed, i asked him to come to bed with me, and he said ok. he immediately turned over and said night night. he didnt touch me all night. next morning i woke up before him and said, im going now, ill miss u. i said, really no chance? he said “no”. so i went and got ready and before i left i poked my head round the door and said, “one more hug before i go”, he laughed and we hugged and kissed. Since that night i went crazy, i feel like a shotgun has been pulled on my stomach. I called him a couple of times, which i shouldnt have. And he keeps answering. why is he still answering me?? we joke around and have agreed to be friends in a few weeks. Y’day i asked him could i come over, he said no i dont want. So then i said, look if i leave u alone for a week, can we meet up? he said, you leave it a week and then talk again, just dont turn up. Thats how its left now. I know how this appears but i know he has feelings for me, and the reason he is shutting down is because he is convinced history will repeat itself.I just cant bear the waiting, to know if he will see me again or not. He is 29 and i am 24. he says im too young.

Look, girlie, do you really need so much yes, then no, then yes, then no? I wouldn’t be so sure that he actually likes you, at least not enough for you to keep putting yourself through this. Yeah, he’ll let you come back occasionally… after you beg. That’s not right. He may get off from watching you beg and grovel. Find a guy where you don’t have to tiptoe around, no begging, no groveling, none of this hot then cold flip-flop. I understand it may take a bit since obviously you really like this guy. This may not be the advice you wanted to hear, but it really sounds like it would be the better thing. You don’t need this sort of crap in your life. Be strong and don’t let him play this game with you. Watch, if you ignore him, does he come running back to you? If not, then he’s for sure not into you. If he does well, maybe he was actually into you, but more than likely, he just happens to be bored.

Lovebites, there is something wrong here, for one I think he has some gender/sexuality issue, I also think he does care for you but wants to keep you away to prevent hurting you more, as AmayaSasaki says you deserve better, tell him you want to sit down and he tells you everything and I mean everything, i.e. the TV/TS stuff how he is feeling, why he is blowing hot and cold etc or you walk away and he never contacts you again.

Yup! I’m dizzy…. I am with Amaya on this. You deserve to feel loved hon, not have to scrounge for it from him…no, be better to yourself.

Lovebites when reading you post I see a lot of the similar things that I have gone through in a past relationship.  The porn thing I will say would not bother me at all because I love porn myself(lol).  The transgender porn thing well I dont know that depends because I do know that sometimes when you go on these porn sites online, it is possible for some out of the ordinary porn to pop up when in actuality he may have been just looking for regular straight porn.  But for right now I wouldnt see that as the bigger issue here. 

The main issue that I am seeing here is that you clearly want to be with this guy when he repeatedly keeps pushing you away and telling you he doesn’t want the relationship.  Please listen to what he is saying to you!  I know how hard is it to be rejected by someone that you really like and love but if he telling you all of this along with getting snappy with you when you ask him about other women, sleeping on the couch when you’re at his home but the getting in the bed as soon as you leave then Im thinking it’s pretty clear that he really doesn’t want it.  Like someone else said, I also agree that he is answering you because he doesn’t want to hurt you. 

Another thing that bothers me about this story is that you told him you had a std and he denied that it was him whom gave it to you. Im sure you know whom all you have slept with and who could have given it to you and For this guy to say this to you that’s really messed up and he doesn’t want to own up to what he has done and because he doesn’t want to own up to giving you this std, theres also a possible chance that he wont even go get tested for it.  Honestly i have to say for you sake that I’m glad that this guy declined sleeping with you after you got the call from the hosiptal and you gave him the news on that particular day because even though you had your medication you just would have been reinfected with the std all over again.  I say thank your lucky stars that you were just able to get rid of it because it could have been a whole lot worse. 

I say move on and stop calling and trying to meet up with him.  Im pretty sure that you dont need any of the back and fourth aggrivation in your life.

Very wise counsel from the girls.

Is hard when you love someone to accept that he doesn’t want you in his life as he seems to be suggesting - rejection in the first instance is painful, don’t keep going back for more. This is not the action of someone who loves another; to me love is like a meeting of two hearts and minds where in there is mutual respect, compromise, compassion, appreciation of each other, kindness, caring, emotional support, growth, commitment, upliftment, attentative, friendship, enhancement….

I hope you will begin to realise your value, uniqueness and the knowledge that you do deserve better. xox

Thankyou for your advice. You see my own head says, yes yes you are all right, the brain of it all! But….....my emotions are another thing and i totally let them take control and i’ve mucked up again. Knowing that i should have more respect for myself, kind of went out the window. I arrived at his house and after talking and talking, which i know is what pushed him away in the beginning (i.e too fast for him, real commitment style stuff) he says we can meet for casual sex and can still watch movies etc. together but he does not want a girlfriend.

I know, i know that i will get hurt again in this, but a small part of me thinks, maybe i can switch this around, get my power back. He says he doesnt want to do it now, because its too soon for him (He still has feelings), i think he’s crazy to believe u can just get rid of feelings after a couple of weeks! i got up to leave and he actually followed me, grabbed me and lifted me off the ground and kissed me. I said, ur not allowed to grope me now, and he laughed and i left.

I just know myself, and i know its hard to understand but i think it was the rejection thing that cut me up so so much. I felt like someone blew a shotgun in my stomach for days. Anyway, after i left today, i felt great. I felt good, i felt happy. I was able to eat when i got home and i don’t want to contact him. We agreed to meet eachother in a few weeks time. 

My point is this. I was a bit full on for him in the beginning, which freaked him out, so every bone in his body screamed NO NO NO. He wants a stress free life, and I know he likes me. Only two weeks ago for goodness sake he told me he loved me, before I actually acted like a human being and huffed about something. He can’t handle any form of stress, but again we were only seeing eachother for under 3 months. If i meet up with him again, i get not just friends with benefits, but all the other things im craving now. The affection, the movies, drinking together, cuddling together. He said yes to all of this and to be honest, thats all i want too. The only thing I can foresee hurting me in this deal is if he ever wanted to be with another woman, but i guess thats something i could bring up later down the line once he’s more sure of me again. What do you think? Am i crazy for playing into these silly games. The only reason i am, is because, and trust my judgement on this one please. He is sooo damaged, and im getting the brunt of it!!

Lovebites - 17 Feb 2012 12:54 AM

Only two weeks ago for goodness sake he told me he loved me, before I actually acted like a human being and huffed about something. He can’t handle any form of stress, but again we were only seeing eachother for under 3 months.

I have an important question for you. Why is acting like a human being a problem?

Everybody gets annoyed about things, and its normal human behaviour to express that. I’m not sure I understand how you questioning him (calmly, I assume) about the other girls’ profiles he viewed, is a stressful situation. Every normal relationship has arguements or discussions, even in the early stages. Sometimes, especially in the early stages when you are still coming to know each other personally and emotionally. These discussions are important in establishing if you are actually compatible (emotionally and intellectually) with someone you feel an initial physical attration to.

Perhaps now is the time to focus on that emotional/intellectual connection, keeping phyical interaction at a ‘safe’ level. Especially while you are recovering from an STI.

Keep us posted on how things are going for you

Thankyou so much for your reply, i really cant stress how i appreciate the support.

My apologies for how i worded the “acted like a human being”, i was stressing that in a sort of sarcastic manner, as in, god forbid i act human? know what i mean? as in, what else does he expect me to do kinda way? Because

I know its normal and I know its not my fault the way i acted, talking about feelings etc, its a natural progression.

My instincts are that he does have feelings for me, but I also know that he is really damaged and even one night he got drunk and out of the blue admitted he didnt want to get burned and that he promised himself two years ago that he would never ever get into a relationship again unless it was with someone very special. So I’m guessing the first sign of pressure made him run, but the fact he has feelings is why I’m still managing to stay in contact with him…......and yes i know i shouldn’t have to beg someone to want to see me etc. but ah well, i cant explain why I’m acting crazy, im obsessed, and will probably be blubbering all over this forum again preeetty soon, watch this space lol

Anyway, I’ll keep you posted on what happens, just being able to talk about it here makes me feel supported so really thankyou for bothering to take the time to read and to write, really!xx

oh and the sti thing, the doctor warned not to have sexual contact for three weeks after taking the anti-biotics. As long as I know he’s taken his, i won’t be diving into anything and chance getting re-infected again

I know I’m probably a little late in replying to this since it seems you’re okay now? But honey, really, you need to drop this guy…

He gets angry/cold when things get too involved. All he wants is a causal “come over let’s have sex” kind of relationship… doesn’t even sound like he wants to be friends. Just sex buddies. I mean, if you’re okay with that, then fine. But it really isn’t healthy for you emotionally. You keep hanging on to that small chance that maybe, just maybe he really does have feelings for you. But as it seems from what you’ve posted, he DOES NOT have feelings for you in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. He’s thinking with his… well you know, not his brain.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I’m just trying to help you and look out for your well-being. You have to make sure YOUR happy. Don’t beg him and grovel at his feet… and besides, you really don’t seem happy in this thing anyway. What’s the point? If YOU’RE not happy, then it’s NOT worth it.

Hopes this helps you honey. All the best to you and I hope things work out for you.

~greengirl

Hi Girls just felt like putting a bit of an update on the situation, maybe someone finds themselves in something similar at some stage who knows…..and also for a bit of a moan! my favourite! lol

So last time i was here i had broken up with the guy and was acting like a stalker. So i took some time to myself, completely left him alone and didn’t contact him for a couple of weeks.

He contacted me first and wanted to meet me, so i agreed and met up for drinks and movies. I never mentioned anything about the relationship and was just trying to be myself and enjoy myself. I saw him again the next weekend and out of the blue he admitted he still loved me. We’ve been back together ever since and to be honest it couldn’t be any better. For example we spent last weekend fixing up his garden together and he took me out for dinners etc. paying for everything. Its been this way for weeks now. He texts me all the time to see how I am and to tell me he loves me. He is very attentive and everything i could hope for.

One thing that is bothering me though is this. Its like he imagines I’m in a role that i’m not. We went to the hardware store the other week and i asked him if there was anything else he needed before we went to the checkout, he said…want to go look at shelves for the house? as he stroked my back, i looked at him funny and he just laughed and said sorry.

He’s done this a few times now, mentioned things that only a couple who live together would say. Its almost as if he enjoys the sort of ..stereotypical dynamic of a husband and wife. i.e bickering over what way to hammer something into the wall or saying…there are u happy now that shelf is up? in an affectionate way and he’s always joking about..oh dont do that dear, let a man do that etc.

I kind of enjoy it and I play into this role a lot, he seems to like it but it does feel a bit strange, because i know our relationship really isnt on that level. I say not on that level because although I know he is content, im not fully content. I feel like because of what happened in the past, and him trying to protect himself, he has really damaged me in the process. I am terrified of losing him, and am so conscious of being too clingy and pushing him away so I try not to text too much. I feel like i’m always conscious of myself, i.e i cant just relax I have to be funny for at least a small period of time or he’ll not think im fun.

I’m also on anti-depressants, and i do get anxiousy, so this paranoia could be attributed to that.

I sometimes wonder if its how he got on with his ex?? but then i remembered he’s never lived with a girl before, he only moved out on his own two years ago.

Another thing thats bugging me is that i have a terrible habit of holding onto negative things he’s said from the past. When i first went back to see him, he had been drinking a little and we were laughing and joking, and he said ” why weren’t u this much fun when we were going out”.

As for the online profile thing, i confronted him about it again recently when i felt things were more solid. He apologised and said he didnt want me to get the wrong idea and he said he does not use anything like that anymore. Not that i’m a stalker but there doesnt seem to be anything online of his anymore. (im such a stalker lol)

I went with my instincts on this one and so far its paying off, however I am still damaged from the break up and i find it hard to fully trust him, i.e i’m scared it would happen allover again even though things are perfect atm. I do also realise that, if it wasnt for my patience and giving him space, we wouldn’t be together. After everything said and done, i should have walked away but i loved and still love him very very much and i am literally walking around with a big smile on my face now, he makes me feel very happy….for now lol