I hope i’m not being rude by just joining and venting here but i’m really at my wits end and it would mean the world to me for someone to read this!
november last year i met someone from online. I went to his house and it was almost like love at first sight, we couldnt take our hands off eachother and it was wonderful. He always mentioned how his exes were huffy and he hated that, so i always felt on pressure not to be annoyed or upset by anything. He just wanted me to fit into HIS lifestyle and never really made much effort otherwise. Anyway, so about two weeks ago i was going a bit crazy, i felt super insecure because i really felt head over heels and wasnt sure if it was reciprocated, so i started acting weird and he was fine with this.
Then one night, as per usual he fell asleep on the sofa (he always did this) which irritated me for some reason, so i went to bed alone, i always felt sad because going to bed with him was my favourite thing, and thought he would feel the same. Anyway, so i was in bed, tossing and turning and i thought ok stuff this, im fed up with this happening over and over, i went to his computer to go on facebook, and the temptation was too strong….i looked at his internet history. First of all i found transgender porn, and to be honest porn really does not bother me in the slightest, and the tranny thing doesnt bother me much either, but my friend thinks this is completely wrong. The other thing i found was that he had been on chat rooms, and i saw he was looking at all these girls profiles with pictures. It hurt me a lot in the moment. so i turned the computer off, went downstairs and tried to wake him (very hard) i said look i did something bad i looked at your computer, which i know i shouldn’t have. He said, porn? i said, porn doesnt bother me! he said well i dont have anything else to hide. I said about the girls things and he immediately shut up, i said are you looking for someone else, he said NO in a really nasty way. He was still half asleep so i said ok im going home, clearly i love you a lot more than u love me. So i left. about half way down the road i realised i left my phone there and i was like grrrr so i went back and saw that he had locked the door and gone up to bed already. i knocked and he came down, didnt say two words to me, and i said…i left my phone. i got it then i said…can i please stay?....so he let me. he would barely touch me. the next morning we had sex, i said after have i ruined things? he said…no. but i could tell he was weird with me.
It all went downhill from there, he barely text me and i arrived down at his house a couple nights later feeling desperate. He said im sorry but i cant do this, the whole huffing and all this, i cant take the stress of this, i want to be single. i was single for two years and i did fine, i dont need this. i managed to change his mind but again he was still cold with me. so for a week i tried not to contact him much, he agreed we’d meet up the next weekend, even though he had asked me if he could see me less. so i called on the thursday and he said…hey do u mind if i go out with my friend instead on saturday, u can come too (i didnt really believe he wanted me to go tho) i said no no u go and have fun. he said come tomorro instead, and i thought na, stuff u i need to be colder. So i said i was going to the pub. he seemed happy about this. He was always talking about, wanting to be able to do what he wanted without coming back to a huff about it, so he encouraged me to have my own life. THEN i got a phonecall on the friday morning from the hospital, i had a test done a couple weeks ago….i have chlamydia!!! so i went and got the tablets etc. but i had to tell him. So instead of waiting and telling him to his face i called him that day and told him. He was angry, said it was probably not from him, he didnt want to see me anymore and it was just too much stress.
i begged and pleaded to come see him that night and eventually he actually agreed? but just as friends? so i went and he had changed his tune again, he was all cold. He looked really upset. So i couldnt just sit there watching a movie with him i wanted to talk. As soon as i started talking about the relationship he got really annoyed and said….this is what im talking about…i dont want this. he said there is nothing you can say to change my mind, i dont want a relationship, i think you should go.
i said please let me stay, ill go straight to the spare room. he said ok.its ok you dont have to go to bed right now. So about five minutes later i jumped on him and tried to kiss him, he said no…but then he let go and he got really into it, grabbing me, and our usual passion was back, then he pushed me away and said “no, i shouldnt have done that”, then we lay down beside eachother watching tv.
we went to bed, i asked him to come to bed with me, and he said ok. he immediately turned over and said night night. he didnt touch me all night. next morning i woke up before him and said, im going now, ill miss u. i said, really no chance? he said “no”. so i went and got ready and before i left i poked my head round the door and said, “one more hug before i go”, he laughed and we hugged and kissed. Since that night i went crazy, i feel like a shotgun has been pulled on my stomach. I called him a couple of times, which i shouldnt have. And he keeps answering. why is he still answering me?? we joke around and have agreed to be friends in a few weeks. Y’day i asked him could i come over, he said no i dont want. So then i said, look if i leave u alone for a week, can we meet up? he said, you leave it a week and then talk again, just dont turn up. Thats how its left now. I know how this appears but i know he has feelings for me, and the reason he is shutting down is because he is convinced history will repeat itself.I just cant bear the waiting, to know if he will see me again or not. He is 29 and i am 24. he says im too young.