Hi

My partner and I have been together for 12 years. It has always been a rocky relationship but we managed to make it work. About four months ago he keeps chatting to women online and exchange mails. They are all falling for him and this is the second time he tells me he has an opportunity to meet them and does not know what to do. Anyway he told that woman he wasnt single after all. But then he keeps telling me I am overreacting that he does nothing wrong as he has not met the woman and never confided in her. He told me he cant promise he wont do it again and that anyway there s no harm in what he is doing and to only cry about it when something happens.
I feel this is really disrespectful. On top of that he wants me to feel sorry for him cause he s stressed and sorry for the lovely woman cause she has had her feelings hurt.

It’s very disrespectful, he’s more concerned with the feelings of a stranger than that of his wife. He’s telling you, you can like it or lump it.

Personally, I don’t buy it Amsosad… why would he have to communicate/engage with other women!! - strangers at that! How would he react if you were doing this with other men, I wonder! Nope… I find this unacceptable - my dh would not get by this one.

I would go and do the same thing myself to show him you can do better then turn round and say if he doesnt stop you will unlike him will follow it through, see how he likes it, dont put up with this, make him see you can beat him at his own game, if you back down he has won he will know he can manipulate you, teach him a lesson.

LC is spot on…. he is presently doing just that… manipulating you - don’t let him get a grip…. you will rue the day - show him some spunk girl… you not his Bally door-mat! I dislike playing games but in some instances it’s called for.

Nope sorry it’s not right. You’re right in your reaction so stick it to him, tell him exactly how you feel. If he doesnt understand why you’re having such a reaction to his behaviour then explain it to him. If he doesnt understand then, then maybe have a third party such as a close friend or councillor try to explain things in a way he might understand.

Well he told me everything now and said it started online and then text messages. He told me that if it was me doing that he will not like it but he has no will power to stop. I asked him to delete her number which he did. He also gave me his phone so he couldnt text her. Like I said our relationship is bad at the moment. He never pays me any attention but will be affectionate with her. For medical reasons he cant work so he is on his own all day. He is very bored but I told him this was not the way to go. But he is making me feel guilty for having his phone. He is a master at manipulation so I suspect that is what he is doing. But is there any point in a relationship if there s no trust. I know he s affectionate with her as I received a message that was for her. He is not bothered about making the relationship better but dont want to finish either. He did that once before but it never went that far. I understand he feels lonely but for me that is not the way you deal with it. Shall I keep his phone or give it back to him trusting him not to do it again? If he hasnt his phone he will hardly talk to her as she works during the day. But I suppose he could use a normal phone so is there a point? I want to be able to trust him. I know her number is on his pc so he can text her any time. I am confused what to do.

Amsosad - 03 Mar 2012 04:54 PM

But he is making me feel guilty for having his phone. He is a master at manipulation so I suspect that is what he is doing. But is there any point in a relationship if there s no trust.

Do I really need to make a comment on this? Come on girl wake up and go get a decent life with someone who deserves you.

You need to seriously take stock of this relationship…. unhealthy in my opinion - can you see yourself spending the rest of your life policing him! Having no willpower is a very lame excuse.

Even if he hasn’t met her, he is still cheating on you! This is an emotional affair, and for me would be an ABSOLUTE deal breaker. You need to look at this long and hard. It has been 12 years of rocky times, and it sounds like given the chance he will continue this kind of behaviour. If not with this woman, then definitely another. Seems like he is with you because its habit, and also easy because you are not standing up to him. Please, please, please look out for yourself in this situation. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes YOU feel guilty for HIS indiscretions???

Thanks for your replies. Since he gave me his phone he is not talking to me or stay in the same room. This woman must be quite important then. I have known all these years he was using me but always thought it would change. What saddens me is the fact he has done all the betraying but hasnt said sorry. He really thinks he s not doing anything wrong but he told me that meeting her wasn t practical and not for the right reasons. He should be making efforts to be forgiven but he said I was a horrible woman and stopped talking to me since. So I decided to leave but wont tell him as he will go mad and keep me inside. I am deeply sadden as it has been a long time being wasted and I have no friends around me. But I must be strong and do it

Amsosad if he is the type to do that get out asap and make sure you have something ready to protect you i.e. friends, if you have to get a court order to keep him away from you. Your last post rings so many alarm bells with me and I bet others here.

LadyCaz, you are so right. I’m sitting here thinking “RUN! RUN NOW!”. Do not tell him you are going Amsosad, and leave while he is out of the house. If at all possible, take everything of yours you can when you leave, and if you do leave anything behind, make sure its not something precious. Change your phone number/email address, all passwords and PINs. Make sure you change your forwarding address for bills/bank etc to someone you trust. If there is someone who you think he would assume you would stay with, try to stay with someone else.
Good luck to you, and stay safe. xx

Absolutely…. take every precaution necessary amsosad…cannot reiterate more than what the girls have already said… get out ASAP. It is very sad and it won’t be easy, but you can do this… hugs

I’m sorry but I lived and loved a man who manipulated me, it doesnt stop. They do it because they see nothing wrong and everything right about it honey. Tell some close friends what is going on, ask them to help you leave. Take the important stuff straight-up and leave, come back for everything else once you’re sorted and you’ve got somewhere permanant to live. Dont give him your new address, he’ll only come round convincing you to take him back which isnt worth it.

Let us know how you get on