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  New Topic

Feeling bad about my son…

Posted: 26 Jan 2017 10:46 PM   Ignore ]  
Breaking the Ice
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With all the arguing with my husband.  I started thinking about my son and how I miss him.  It is a very sad situtation.  My son who is now 35
has more or less divorcing us.  I don’t know how else to put it.  The
whole situation started when he was 16 years old and we found out he
got a girl pregnant.  He never told us and we didn’t find out about it until her mother called.  What is sad is he never communicated with her.  He would tell us that he was not aloud any where around his daughter.  Her mother threatened if he did that she would call the police on him.  Years went by and he got married and we were invited to the wedding.  That marriage did not last even a year cause my son found out that she was cheating on him and with that he divorced her.

Now he is on wife #2 and I’m sorry, but I can’t stand her.  She is such a phony.  We were invited to that wedding too.  And to this day I don’t know why.  You see my son has never communicated with us either.  He would never call, e-mail us or anything.  He never would send a
Christmas, Birthday Anniversary card or anything.

So we decided one year we were going to visit him.  We were not invited and we tried calling him several times to tell him we were coming and he never returned our calls.  So we showed up on is door step.  He was really surprised.  He wanted to know why we didn’t call
first.  I told we did, but he never returned our call.  End of conversation.  We really didn’t get into it with him cause we drove over 700 miles to see him.  This was all before his second marriage.

The last time we visited him about 8 months before he got married
unannounced.  the same thing we called to tell him that we were coming and I even e-mailed him too.  Again no response.  When we got there he blew up at both of us and we got into a heated argument.
He told his Dad, my husband that he was never a good Father to him.
That he was always gone.  He was gone cause he was making a living trying to take care of us, his family and this is what I told my son.  This time I blew up and told him how lucky he was.  You see my husband
always made time for our son.  When our son was in boy scouts.  He
always made sure when he had a camp out or anything important that
he was there.  I wish he was that nice to me.  Our son just never appreciated any thing we did for him and even to this day he doesn’t.

Well ladies I am really feeling bad right now.  I can’t stop crying. I
need to say good-bye for now.  Thank you all for listening

Flowers

 

Posted: 26 Jan 2017 11:45 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]  
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Hi Flowers, I am so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs.

It sounds like your son is in need of someone to share his feelings with, to vent. It was nice of you to defend your husband but maybe this is a conversation between the father and son?

You cannot change the past but only make plans for the future. Remind him you are hear now.

Posted: 27 Jan 2017 03:28 AM   Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]  
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Hi Flowers, I am so sorry to hear your story. It seems that he is not happy and he does not want you guys to see it. IMO, you should continue to communicate with him, leave a message, send him a note by mail or email once a week or so, even though he does not return your message.  Just ask him how he is doing and tell him what happens at home or random stories, don’t lecture him….just to keep in touch.  Maybe eventually he will feel comfortable to talk to you guys again.

Posted: 27 Jan 2017 05:18 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]  
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downerYa know.  I wish I could.  I have been trying for 15 years.  I would not miss a holiday not
sending him something or even a card just to say hi.  I asked him last time we saw him after his wedding.  What did we do to make you so angry at us.  He said, nothing mom, it’s just me.
and he said that every time I saw him.  Sorry, I don’t buy it.  I also said to him on this last visit.
If we did nothing wrong, then why are you treating us this way.  He couldn’t answer. this story goes on and on and I don’t know if you care to here any more.  I’m sorry but I have to go.  Feeling so bad again.  Thank you all for listening.

Flowers

Posted: 27 Jan 2017 09:40 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]  
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I’m sorry Flowers. Sometimes families grow apart and that is very normal part of life. Perhaps he isn’t ready to open up?

Families are difficult and all different.

What are you doing to keep your spirits up through this difficult time?

Posted: 27 Jan 2017 11:24 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]  
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Flowers - 27 Jan 2017 05:18 PM

downerYa know.  I wish I could.  I have been trying for 15 years.  I would not miss a holiday not
sending him something or even a card just to say hi.  I asked him last time we saw him after his wedding.  What did we do to make you so angry at us.  He said, nothing mom, it’s just me.
and he said that every time I saw him.  Sorry, I don’t buy it.  I also said to him on this last visit.
If we did nothing wrong, then why are you treating us this way.  He couldn’t answer. this story goes on and on and I don’t know if you care to here any more.  I’m sorry but I have to go.  Feeling so bad again.  Thank you all for listening.

Flowers

Flowers, I think we have to let them go. Hopefully, they will come back.

Posted: 27 Jan 2017 11:29 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]  
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Time to say goodbye to him.You are getting nothing from him but grief.

It takes both sides to keep a relationship going, he is apparently uninterested in putting any effort in.

Walk away, and don’t look back.

Posted: 27 Jan 2017 11:37 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]  
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Sending you lots of hugs Flowers. xoxo

Posted: 28 Jan 2017 10:01 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]  
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There isn’t really any advice I can add, but know you’ve tried your best and that is the best you can do. The ball is in your son’s court: keep the channel of communication open and let him come to you. I don’t see what else you can do.

Posted: 05 Feb 2017 05:34 AM   Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]  
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Hi Flowers,
I just joined this site but the other day when I discovered it, I saw your post and it drew me to join so I could speak with you.  First off, follow your maternal instincts and continue to send him cards, emails, perhaps phone messages so he continues to hear your voice.  I just can’t help but think there is some deeper underlying issue that no one has thought of or discovered.  Have you sought professional advice?  If not, I strongly suggest it as there may be something that needs to come out or even some new ideas of why this is happening.  He has told you two very different stories here; one that his dad never had time for him (and perhaps your reality of how much time your husband spent and your sons reality may be worlds apart) hence a professional to help approach this from perhaps a new direction? The other comment to you that it’s all him is yet another telling sign that something could be going on inside this young man.
My oldest son died 6 years next month and what I wouldn’t give to be able to talk to him again, so maybe I’m projecting here, but I don’t think you should give up. We Moms just aren’t wired to throw in the towel.  Good luck

Posted: 05 Feb 2017 08:01 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]  
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grin  Thank you annie girl.  I really don’t know what it is about him.  Alls I know is that he deeply
hurt us.  By the past and right now.  He did something awful to us at his wedding and I will never forget it.  I will tell you at another time.  I just wanted to say thank you and that I am so sorry for your loss.  If you want to talk I am here.  Us moms do have to stick together no matter whatt
age are children are.  Thanks again.

Flowers

Posted: 05 Feb 2017 10:34 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 11 ]  
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Flowers first off, that’s very kind of you to offer and thank you.  Is your son an only child?  If you posted on this prior I apologize if I missed it.  Obviously there is a lot more history here than we know.  I’m wondering if there is a sibling or close cousin or old childhood friend he may have bonded with or related to?  If so, is it possible for them to shed any light on his behavior to you and his dad?  Just some thoughts which I’m sure you have already thought of.
Again, if you haven’t spoken with a professional it could be they would be able to give you some extra coping skills maybe?  IDK
Take care

Posted: 05 Feb 2017 11:03 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 12 ]  
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annie girl - 05 Feb 2017 05:34 AM

Hi Flowers,
I just joined this site but the other day when I discovered it, I saw your post and it drew me to join so I could speak with you.  First off, follow your maternal instincts and continue to send him cards, emails, perhaps phone messages so he continues to hear your voice.  I just can’t help but think there is some deeper underlying issue that no one has thought of or discovered.  Have you sought professional advice?  If not, I strongly suggest it as there may be something that needs to come out or even some new ideas of why this is happening.  He has told you two very different stories here; one that his dad never had time for him (and perhaps your reality of how much time your husband spent and your sons reality may be worlds apart) hence a professional to help approach this from perhaps a new direction? The other comment to you that it’s all him is yet another telling sign that something could be going on inside this young man.
My oldest son died 6 years next month and what I wouldn’t give to be able to talk to him again, so maybe I’m projecting here, but I don’t think you should give up. We Moms just aren’t wired to throw in the towel.  Good luck

Sorry to hear of your loss, Annie. I cannot comprehend how you must feel….

Posted: 05 Feb 2017 11:07 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 13 ]  
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annie girl - 05 Feb 2017 10:34 PM

Flowers first off, that’s very kind of you to offer and thank you.  Is your son an only child?  If you posted on this prior I apologize if I missed it.  Obviously there is a lot more history here than we know.  I’m wondering if there is a sibling or close cousin or old childhood friend he may have bonded with or related to?  If so, is it possible for them to shed any light on his behavior to you and his dad?  Just some thoughts which I’m sure you have already thought of.
Again, if you haven’t spoken with a professional it could be they would be able to give you some extra coping skills maybe?  IDK
Take care

Hi Annie, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The loss of a child is the biggest loss to any woman.  You are right, we can give them room to grow and the distance to think but in our heart, regardless of whatever happens, we can not change. 

We can pretty much tell the characters of a woman from the way she care about her child.

Posted: 06 Feb 2017 09:23 PM   Ignore ]   [ # 14 ]  
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annie girl - 05 Feb 2017 10:34 PM

Flowers first off, that’s very kind of you to offer and thank you.  Is your son an only child?  If you posted on this prior I apologize if I missed it.  Obviously there is a lot more history here than we know.  I’m wondering if there is a sibling or close cousin or old childhood friend he may have bonded with or related to?  If so, is it possible for them to shed any light on his behavior to you and his dad?  Just some thoughts which I’m sure you have already thought of.
Again, if you haven’t spoken with a professional it could be they would be able to give you some extra coping skills maybe?  IDK
Take care

Annie, thank you for stopping into the forums. I hope you stay and share your story (if you feel up to it). I am sorry for your lose as a new mother I could not imagine my life without my daughter.

Flowers, I am sending you another hug. I agree with Annie keep on pushing the idea to your son you are here now and reach out with cards and emails.

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