Marriage should be an institution, not cause you to be committed to one. So, what do you do when your meddling mother-in-law is driving you to the brink of insanity? Assert yourself and take control of your life. Mothers will always be mothers, and often mothers have a tough time giving up control of their little boys. If you have married a Mummy’s boy who can’t seem to make a decision without his mother’s input, or even if she just thinks she can run your lives better than you can, there is still hope.
First, get your husband on board. He has been listening to her advice and following her orders his entire life, so he may not even see her intrusions as a problem. However, if it is causing you stress, it is certainly something that needs to be dealt with. Make sure you are specific when discussing the problems with him. Just saying “I’m tired of your mother telling us what to do,” is not enough to make the problem clear. Give him specific examples of things that she says and does that bother you and how it makes you feel. He still may not understand, but if you can give reasons, then you stand a better chance of gaining his help.
The next thing you need to do is set the ground rules and be firm about them. She may not like the way you run your household, but she needs to respect your role as the wife and mother in your own home. When she starts on one of her tirades about how things should be done differently, politely thank her for her suggestions and tell her that you are handling things the way that works best for you. If she doesn’t get the picture after politeness, simply ignore her and do things your own way. Like it or not, its your home and your family and she is not in charge.
Make sure she knows that she is an important part of your lives, but not the only part that is important. If your problem with your mother-in-law is that she demands too much of your free time and expects all holidays to be spent with her, remind her that you have a life and a family, too. Try alternating holidays between your families or create your own traditions and invite them all to join in. If all else fails, talk your spouse into moving far enough away that her constant need to be with the two of you becomes inconvenient for her.
Try not to give her any ammunition to use against you in controlling your own home. Telling her about problems and issues that you and your husband are facing can come back to bite you later. If you can help it, keep your problems to yourself and don’t ask for advice from her that you don’t intend to take. Avoid asking or accepting financial assistance from her unless the circumstances are dire, or you’ll have her feeling as if she has made an investment in your home and bought herself some control. Remember that she can only attempt to help with things that she is aware of, so the more you keep to yourselves, the less “help” you will receive from her.
If you just cannot get her to see the light and back off, pick your battles wisely. Constant conflict between the two of you will eventually cause issues between you and your husband as well. Decide which of her traits you can deal with and just tolerate her the best you can. You could even try to build a closer personal relationship with her, as this might help her to begin to see things from your point of view. If you get to a point where you can open up to her more, you might be able to give her some insight to your perspective on her actions. Whatever you do, do not cut her off from her son and her grandchildren or expect your husband to shut out his own mother. Put yourself in her place and try to be as understanding as you can.
One final, important tip: Remember this experience and how it made you feel. One day, you could be turning into that meddling mother-in-law yourself and you certainly wouldn’t want to put your son or daughter-in-law through the same suffering. Instead, use your meddling mother-in-law as an example of what not to do in your own dealings with the children-in-law, for the future.
Recommended Reading
For more information and advice on building a positive relationship with your mother in law, take a look at the following books:
The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?
A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents
Everything You Need to Know about Relating to Your Mother-In-Law
Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law: Understanding the Relationship
The Daughter-in-Law Rules: 101 Surefire Ways to Make Friends with Your Mother-In-Law!
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By Christine Oltman on 03 Nov 2009
I recently told my husband that I no longer wanted to have a relationship with his mother. She has a history of manipulating my husband into picking fights with me (to include yelling and cussing at me) when she is angry or upset about something, which usually translates to she is unable to “control” me or my children.
She talks behind my back, makes unfounded accusations and assumptions (of malicious nature) and alienated me from my husband by trying to paint me out to be something or someone that I am not.
It has recently trickled down to his daughter from a previous marriage. She has adopted the above mentioned tactics and I recently found a letter to her father stating that she wanted to spend the summer with her “friends” (which was the real issue) because it would be boring being with me all summer long. I am a stay at home mom. She went on to insinuate that I am mean to her and that this is the reason that she should be allowed to stay at her friends house (which is a single parent, permissive household).
That was the last straw for me. I walked in on a conversation she was having with her grandmother on the phone and it was shortly before the letter.
To puy it bluntly. I am no longer interested in having people in my life that are clearly abusive toward me to fit their own needs whatever those needs may be.
As for the child, she is a child. She is still learning and needing advice. The mother in law is a grown woman and I dont want to be around her, nor do I want her to be around my children (at least unsupervised) as I will not allow her to alienate me from my own children like she has with my step daughter.
Now my husband is trying to blame me by blaming it on me by accusing me of being unforgiving,,,not being able to let the past go...I call BS.
It is not MY fault that she pushed be to this point.
Am I wrong?
By Michele on 27 Nov 2009
Hi,
I understand where you are coming from. I am not a step-parent, but my husband is to my two older children. It is hard enough to get along with a step-child and then have your MIL butt in just makes it worse.
I am very lucky in that my husband supports me when my MIL butts into our lives and our business. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I would just try to have the least amount of contact with her as possible. See her on holidays and be polite, but other than that, try not to associate.
That’s what I do when my MIL steps over her boundaries.
I’m going through that right now. I have 16, 14 from previous marriage and 3 year old from my husband and I. She constantly meddles in to tell us what we are doing wrong. Lately she has compared my 3 year old to a caged dog because she says we don’t take him outside enough.
By NBishop on 26 Feb 2010
My MIL lives with us!!! She is totally ruining my marriage!! She tries to control my household and my marriage, and my husband, and our pets..EVERYTHING!! There is sooo much that people don’t know about this woman..she use to be on drugs really bad, and she almost ruined my husband’s life. Nobody else will have anything else to do with her in the family, and she really has no where else to go. She says that she is not eligible for section 8 housing, but she gets food stamps and she is trying to get disability. She sales prescription pills in MY home, and I have asked her not to. She smokes in my home, and I have asked her not to. She does so many things that I say NO about, and she says she is not going to follow our rules because she is not a school child!! She has my husband thinking that the reason she doesn’t do these things is because of her health. It is hard for her to get up..or walk..well..if she hadn’t laid around for 14 months not doing anything, then she wouldn’t have gained an extra 140 lbs. (no joke)!! I dont care anymore..I am at the point where I could just leave!! We have a baby coming in Sept. and we only have 2 bedrooms, and she is in the other one..SMOKING!! How do I make my husband see that he can’t fix what she messed up as a child, and that if if things don’t change and she doesn’t find her someplace else to go..that I am going to go…