A Beautiful Nightmare

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    There’s really no way to shorten this story. Last summer, my boyfriend of 11 years, Tim, invited his friend, Brian over for some beers. They went to high school together & reconnected on Facebook. Brian & I connected immediately. We spent the whole night talking & laughing. I ended up telling him a lot of things about me that I probably shouldn’t have told him the night we met (it will come back to bite me in the ass later on). After that night, he was Facebooking me and texting me all the time. I really liked this guy and Tim and I had a lot of problems. Tim battled with a drug addict ion and that was the cause of almost all our issues. About a week after meeting, Brian called and asked Tim if he could come over. He would bring beer and buy food for everyone (at this time, Tims brother, his wife & their 5 year old daughter had nowhere to live so of course we opened our home to them). I knew right away there was some reason he was buying beer for 5 adults & dinner for 6 people. He told me about a month later he knew Tim wouldn’t turn down a free meal & Brian wanted to see me. That night, Tim’s brother & I got into a physical altercation and Tim didn’t do a damn thing. Brian yelled at everyone and said he refused to leave me there just to get hurt. We went to his apartment, had a few drinks, talked and laughed and we ended up sleeping together. I had such a great time! I had spent such a long time struggling to help Tim through his addiction, it was so nice being with someone like Brian. He enjoyed life and all the little things. I stayed at Brian’s for two days and went home. I decided it was time to make a decision. I told Tim he needed to choose between me or the drugs. I still can’t believe what he did to me. He took a big hit of crack & blew the smoke in my face. I left that night & moved in with Brian. Things were so great. We lived about a 15 mins from downtown and we were always doing something. Tim never wanted to do anything but sit around and get high. The only bad part was we were drinking a LOT. Things started getting bad about 2 months after moving in. One day, we weee drinking beer early, watching football. A friend of mine, who happens to be a man, text me so I chatted with him for a few minutes. Brian saw and threw my phone out of our window and we lived on the 3rd floor. That Friday I went back to my old house to grab some more clothes (when I moved out I didn’t take everything). He told me to meet him at the Metro PCS store downtown~he was getting me a new phone. Fast forward about a week and he tells me that not only does he have GPS on my phone, he also has some crap that sent him screenshots of my messenger conversations every half hour!!! Things just kept getting worse. Suddenly, after having one drink (a beer, a glass of wine or liquor… It didn’t matter), he would start calling me names and being absolutely awful! I never would’ve thought that verbal, mental & emotional abuse were as bad as they are. We started getting physical soon after. I mean, we weren’t giving each other black eyes or anything but we were still putting our hand each other and im just as guilty as him. One night we got home from the bar and I asked him to cut a little bit off the ends of my hair. Well, he cut off way more than a little. I was passed… Than he admitted to me that he did it on purpose. I called Tim and moved back home with him. But Brian and I were still seeing each other. We made it a rule~no drinking. Things were always great when we saw each other. It was just like in the beginning. But he was still awful to me when he would drink and it would be via text. I never fed into his crap. Once in a while he would apologize to me but for the most part, I felt like he thought it was ok to treat me so terribly. In April, I went to jail for some really old warrants & ended up staying in jail till June. I called Brian once a week and I was really excited to see him when I got out. Than I started thinking about all the mean things he said and did to me. I didn’t want to set myself up to get hurt. I didn’t end up seeing him until September. We drank together and he started getting mean but I ignored him and he stopped. I’ve seen him one other time after that. We talk a lot but he still does the mean drunk texting. There’s so much about this situation that has me confused. I don’t understand why I still talk to someone who treats me so terribly. He can treat me so awful but he could also be so perfect. The sex is fantastic. I’ve never had such a connection with a partner, not even with Tim and we were together over a decade. And I know it sounds stupid but he is so handsome! He’s not sexy. He’s not cute. He’s handsome. And when he’s sober, he’s so great. He makes me feel good about myself and he’s always so positive. But when he’s mean, he’s awful! IDK what to do. I’m 35 years old and I’d really like to get married before I turn 40 (Brian is 41 for the record). I’m so frustrated because I have no clue how to let this guy go…& IDK if I WANT to! And that’s crazy to me~half the time, he treats me shit… Why is it even a question?!?! Part of me feels like I’m really just wasting my time. The other part feels like maybe he will change. Any advice would be greatly appreciated & thank you in advance


    I suppose many women are attracted to a bad boy. It is the curse of youth, I reckon. You are attracted to his rebel ways and his looks. You could stay with him, ride through life with him. But when you’re older you’ll move on. It is just exciting to be around him, I think. Rebelling has always been sexy: although your parents [but I don’t know your age] would never admit this! I don’t know whether you should stay with him, but if you do, don’t beat yourself up over it. As long as he isn’t abusive, there is no harm in being with him.

    But remember: you are still young [old woman alert!].


    You shouldn’t put a timeline marriage.   Getting married to just anyone to meet that timeline is asking for trouble.  Cut both of them loose.  You deserve to be treated with respect.


    I do understand the way you feel because I’m sort of going through the same with how I always let my ex pulled me back to him. However I think that in your case things have escalated by taking them to physical. The good moments will never make up for the bad ones. Also it would probably not ever stop and it’ll get worse. I keep on telling myself that I deserve way better and that what I’m feeling one day will stop. It’s nice to imagine that things will be like those good times but it’s just that wanting and wishing that they’ll be. You’re better off pulling yourself out of that situation, you’re just going to continue getting hurt. You went through a rocky relationship with the other guy because of his drug abuse and now you’re dealing with probably the same thing but this time with alcohol abuse. Maybe you need to take time to heal and work on bettering yourself. I still wake up and fall asleep thinking about my ex, but I am not crying anymore. I could still call him and beg to come back to me but Is it worth it? I have pride and I need to not let myself get pushed down like that. No guy, cute, sexy or handsome should have that power over any woman. Sorry, just my opinion. Best of luck!!! Hope things get better for you!


    Thank you so much! I really noticed I’m also putting way more work into having a healthy relationship than he is. For example, like every year, I got a Halloween costume. And like every year, I’m a cat. I had nowhere to go though! No parties, no one was meeting up at the bar, there was nothing happening. So I asked if he wanted to watch American Horror Story and make some cupcakes (he had mentioned making cupcakes earlier this week). Apparently he started working a really odd shift at work and until that changes, his hours will be so messed up, we’ll never see each other. But I’m sure I will get some random, super mean drunk text within the next day or two..smh I definitely feel really stupid at this point.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by cjs51183.

    I don’t know you but we can’t continue settling for less!!! Being in a relationship shouldn’t be this bhard. I decided that I don’t have to be chasing after no guy. I’m not going to die because I’m not with him. That I’ll be sad, yes of course! But eventually it is going to stop. I really hope everything works out better for you and take care of yourself!!!


    I agree completely with deyla2324. No man should ever have power over a woman. No man is worth the suffering and agony of a broken relationship. But this is up to you, at the end of the day. But life is about learning and you’ll learn a lot about everything really, in time. Just be honest with yourself and don’t do anything that could have dire consequences for you. You have to respect yourself first and before any man.

    But all this will come in time.


    Thank you! It’s so difficult! Yesterday he emailed me and said he missed me so much. It made me melt… But I know in a day or two I’ll get mean drunk messages.


    It sounds to me like you are caught up in their circle.  Nice to you when he wants something and mean when he doesn’t.  This is not healthy and you deserve better that this kind of life – he will not change no matter how badly you want him to.  You will waste more of your precious time trying to make him into who you want him to be when he is already the person he is.

    Get off the merry go round and find someone who treats you like the queen on a pedestal that you are!


    I agree 100% with KathyC. He WILL NOT change: no matter how many times you try. You’re fighting a losing battle. You can’t mould someone to fit your needs. Someone is as they are and nothing can change them. Maybe a sudden shock could, but that isn’t likely to happen.

    I’d try again with another man. He isn’t worth it.

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