September 19, 2018 at 11:03 pm #196563
I am new to this forum but I take as a great source of inspiration for me and a need to speak my problem out. I am looking for someone who was/is in the same situation. We have been together for fourteen years and have a daughter, but his best friend has kind of always been a bottle of beer. It all started five years (in a big style) – and recently ended in sneaking out at night because “I needed a beer.” However, when I want to talk to him about it, he throws the ball on my side – basically blaming me that I am the reason he drinks. And he drinks because we are only roommates and not a loving couple…the worst thing is that I do understand what he wants to express even though I know that he is the one to feel bad and be apologetic. How can I talk to him because it seems I upset by everything I do.
Did you (if experienced)have to leave the relationship or was it repairable?
P.S. He doesn’t have any friends – supposedly because we live in a non-English speaking country and he has no-one to talk to. However, I think it is his lack of ability to maintain friendships.
Sorry, I went on a rant, but I need to get it off my chest…September 20, 2018 at 6:59 am #196592
Hi, I don’t have any first hand experience, although have a stepson who I think drinks too much so I can see things a little. From experience in seeing how others have gone I think things are repairable, but it may well not be easy. Your partner needs to see that he is making things worse by drinking and is steadily increasing his health risks. He needs to understand his problem. It sounds as if there are underlying problems behind his drinking, and that you are included. This is may or may not be anything directly due to you, but you both need to understand what the underlying issues are. It is possible to talk about it, but may be very difficult. You may need professional help. I see that it may be difficult in a non- English speaking country, but, assuming they are alcohol tolerant, it may be a case of seeking that help regardless to save your relationship and his future health.
Just my opinion, but it can be a downward spiral!September 20, 2018 at 4:39 pm #196612
Hi Cat, welcome to Female Forum! 🙂
Oh dear, my situation wasn’t exactly like yours, but a lot of things you said remind me a lot of my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for nine years. Just to warn you he was abusive towards me and I was lucky to get out of my relationship with him.
For me, my biggest concerning thing is how you mention he blames you, especially how he says he drinks because “you’re only roommates and not a loving couple,” which to me sounds like he’s trying to control you sexually. My ex did similar things to me, he made me feel like I was causing problems in our relationship, and that something was wrong with me if I basically wouldn’t give him blow jobs whenever he wanted one. He’d get drunk, and mad, and things like that and convince me it’s because I wasn’t been “caring enough”, “loving enough”, or “attentive enough” and such towards him, but his whole aim was to establish his position of dominance and power so I’d do whatever he wanted, and any complaints from me were just further examples of my “selfishness”.
He drank a lot too, but almost exclusively at home. He’d buy cases of beer, and he got really bad when he lost his job and he was at home all the time, he’d basically drink beer and play video games all day, every day. Meanwhile I still worked full time, I did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and so on, but still I was “nagging” if I asked him to do anything or try to find work, and I was a “selfish b****” if I wasn’t always ready for his physical needs. He gained a lot of weight from his beer too, when we broke up he was about 350 pounds, it’s really not good for health, right?
He didn’t have friends either, but he was also really good at making sure I also didn’t have any myself. He’d make excuses too, like your partner seems to be.
I finally realized my relationship with him was irreparable, I just didn’t feel any hope for my future happiness if I stayed together with him, and he did some things that really crossed a line which helped me see who he really is. Getting him out of my life was one of the best things I feel I’ve ever done for myself, I only wish I’d done so sooner.
I hope I’m not scaring you, I’m just sharing my experiences from how I relate to a number of things you said. And please don’t ever worry about ranting, we’re all hear to happily listen to you any time. 🙂
Please take care!September 20, 2018 at 8:30 pm #196628
Mamie’s story is typical of alcoholics. they blame everyone for their problems and addictions. i have dated two alcoholics and experienced same treatment as Mamie did. i suggest you get away from this toxic situation as soon as you can.September 21, 2018 at 6:13 pm #196650
I have to agree 100% with bunnyhabit1984. He will NEVER change. I doubt he cares about his underlying reasons for abusing alcohol: all he cares about is the next drink. No amount of talking will change him. Unless he wants to, nothing can be done. I have had friends with alcoholic parents and nothing ever changed. Alcoholism destroys lives: especially in children. Love isn’t enough to change him or his perspective.
I’m so sorry to seem so negative, but he is as he is and no amount of trying to reason him will work.September 27, 2018 at 7:31 am #196752
Hi everyone, thanks for the support, we have been together for fourteen years and have a daughter so it is a bit harder. As you said, I think he tries to control me and keeps complaining about my family which he used to admire. Manie, thanks for you words, even though they are not comforting. i know the same situations – sentences like I wish you would make more money – well, who wouldn’t, right. My problem is that i don’t want to talk to him when he is drunk, so I don’t love him enough, and the same things your ex used to tell you. I still remember why I loved him but he changed, he is on AD, drinking, feeling unloved which I can’t help with. The worst thing is that I am not stupid, I know all of it but need to admit it.
Thanks a lot everyone, I really appreciate your support.September 27, 2018 at 2:17 pm #196755
I’m really sorry my words weren’t comforting @Schrodinger Cat, I hope I didn’t upset you too much. I apologize, I just saw so much of my ex boyfriend in things you said about your husband, and I’m still less than a year removed from him so my pain is still fresh in my mind.
I felt very much like you, I remembered times when I recalled why I loved him at first, but I feel rather than changing he just more revealed who he truly was. I believe these types of abusive people are very good at putting on a false personality to win your trust, but later he eventually shows what he’s like beneath all that. I do totally believe your husband could be different, I just see many warning signs similar to my ex, you know what I mean?
I had a really difficult time admitting what he was, it took him doing some really horrible things before I woke up, but I’m glad I did: I gave him nine years, but at least now I can move on with my life.October 3, 2018 at 11:53 am #196834
What an awful situation for you and your daughter, Schrodinger Cat. I know friends who’ve lived in such households: the pain carries on for a lifetime. These kind of abusive people show their true colours in the end: I fear your husband has. But that is not for me to judge. All I can say is be strong and carry on doing the best for you and your daughter.
You’re not alone and so many people have been where you are now. I know what I would do, but this is up to you.
I wish you all the best and hope things improve.October 23, 2018 at 9:23 pm #197249
Hello everyone, nothing has changed. He tries to manipulate me, and make me guilty for whatever I do (did). I am so tired. Well, at least I have support in his family, and they know how he works now. We agreed on a certain approach, and he needs to fly back home. That would give me enough time to be on my own and with my kid (and 5k miles between us) which would be beneficial. His family wants to find some rehab for him, he agrees with that.
Mamie, KitKatKitty, Thank you for sharing it here, it helps me a lot. Well, there is one good thing about it. I used to soften the truth, but I don’t do anymore, and of course, it annoys him.October 24, 2018 at 6:47 am #197254
At least he’ll be going to rehab: that will certainly give you and your daughter space from him. Maybe you’ll find clarity there. I wish you and your daughter all the best. It is easy for me to advise you, but you have to make the decisions. Still, you’re not alone: I am sure your family and his family will support you all.
All the best.