November 17, 2018 at 6:43 pm #197714
I posted this on Tuesday night at another forum I visit, I was rather intoxicated when I posted it, but it was on my one-year anniversary of when I had my last fight with my abusive ex-boyfriend and he moved out. I’ve been slowly feeling comfortable sharing parts of my story over this last year, and I’m finally feeling good about being open. I deeply apologize if parts of this are disturbing, but thank you kindly to anyone who reads.
One year ago right now, I was having an argument with my then boyfriend, who I’d been with for about nine years. I’d had enough, he’d finally done something that was too much for me, and I asked him to leave. I’d secretly been saving money for years, and I gave him almost five thousand dollars if he’d just get out of my life, and to my pleasant surprise he took my offer and went back to Canada. Thinking back on it, I’m so relieved he didn’t react differently, that I’d been hiding money from him, I guess maybe he really knew things were over and he was glad to have a way out.
Well for years my life had been a living hell, I was basically living as a slave. At first, when I met him, things were good, he seemed so charming, you know? And I’d been having problems with my parents, and I hadn’t had much luck with men before, and he said all the right things and he just seemed so right for me. He and I were both struggling financially, and it was so nice working together trying to build a life, and he made me feel like he could help me with everything I’d wanted, in a way.
And things were good for some time, but I didn’t really realize what was going on. He convinced me to move from Georgia to Michigan, because of job opportunities, and both of us would be closer to our families in Ontario. And well I quit my job as a teller, and I was lucky I got a job in customer service at a new bank, and he got a job in credit card service, and everything seemed good. He and I got an apartment close to work, and I thought I was happy.
I didn’t know he was really taking me away from all my friends, I had no one up here, but I was really popular in Georgia, but I haven’t really spoken to anyone since I’ve moved. I wasn’t really thinking about how isolation worked, and how I had absolutely no support network for myself, and what that’d mean for my life.
And I had good times for years, I remember how much enjoyment I had going to those last Harry Potter movies, and just sort of doing things and such, and thinking about my future.
But things really changed I think in 2012, when I got promoted, and I started working on salary, and he was still in his same position, and he was unhappy with his life. And he just really worked on my psyche, he got me to believe how awkward I was, and how he was all I had going for me in my life, and he emphasized how I had no friends, and just everything seemed to be wrong. I bought my first house that year, I didn’t have a lot saved up, but I had amazing credit, even though he didn’t, and I bought a house in my name with my own income with my new salary, but I hated it there. I didn’t like living in the country, I felt so isolated, and it was so hard doing even just little things, and I was so lonely.
I had so many fights with him, he worked odd hours, and all our disagreements he convinced me were my fault, I wasn’t attentive enough, I wasn’t doing enough at home, and I was being stubborn in ways that would make him angry. He’d break things, like our bathroom vanity, or our mudroom closet door, and other things, and it’s because I “needled” him too much, and I pushed him when he was upset, and that wasn’t fair to him in his mind, I shouldn’t want any demands of him, because his job was harder than mine and it wasn’t fair, and such and such. I don’t even know, sometimes I couldn’t tell when he’d be angry or not.
He became very demanding sexually, he needed stress release, but I’d grown up very conservative and I didn’t know what to do. He really wanted me to suck his dick, something I wasn’t comfortable with then, and my first time I felt like I was going to throw up because of my gag reflex. He said I was being selfish, I was only thinking of myself and not his needs, and after a time of being guilted and pressured I did what he wanted, and not after long that’s all he wanted, no matter what mood I was in, it didn’t matter, if I didn’t do what he wanted it was because of how selfish I was and I wasn’t helping him with his needs, so I just sort of got used to that as a way of life. He’d yell a lot, even when I wasn’t feeling very happy, he just sort of demanded I take care of him, and he’d call me horrible names, because I was so selfish.
After a few years I really wanted to move, and he agreed, and that was a big thing. At least I felt good about buying a new house, I wanted to live in a more suburban area, because I hated feeling so isolated. But because of his credit I had to afford it on my own, so everything was in my name, and if anything went wrong it was me who’d be affected.
Sometimes he and I would have huge arguments about things, like all sorts of things, and sometimes I wanted to leave, I thought I’d just stay at a hotel for a night or something to think things over, but usually I’d already be dressed for bed, so I’d go into my closet to get changed, and he’d trap me in there, and he wouldn’t let me out until I’d promised I’d stay and wouldn’t leave, sometimes I’d be crying for an hour or so, I felt very helpless and hopeless. One time he hit me, he slapped me on my lower jaw, and I was so terribly shocked. Later I needed a root canal because he’d knocked my tooth out of place, but I didn’t realize it then what had happened, I’m glad it was only one time, but I was so upset I didn’t even know what to say. He acted like he was really sorry about it, he said he didn’t know what came over him, and he promised he’d never do that again. Like about six months later I needed a root canal, because I developed an abscess and such, it was really painful. And I mean like blinding pain, I was bedridden and I literally couldn’t see, I needed heavy pain medication and several antibiotics, but I guess that was my last effect.
Anyway, I’m so sorry, I feel like for a good number of years I lived like a slave. I did everything, I cooked all our meals, I did his laundry, I did all the household chores, and so on. I also earned more money than he did, I feel like things got really bad after I got promoted, he eventually got fired and he stayed home all the time. He would play games on his X-Box while I was working, and I felt like I was going insane. I liked being home, but with him just hanging about and not working, I just couldn’t handle it, you know? And I was still doing everything, like I’d work in my office and still make dinner, still do all those dishes, still vacuum, still do all the washing, and on and on, I really started resenting him, but somehow he made me feel like he was being underappreciated.
What finally did things for me was when he told me my brother should be euthanized. Well my baby brother has severe Down’s Syndrome, as well he has psoriasis and arthritis, and a number of other ailments, poor thing. I figure I’ll be taking care of him some day, and when I talked to my boyfriend abut this, he became angry, saying how cruel it was to let him continue on in pain, I think he just didn’t want this responsibility, but it really helped me wake up to who he was. I don’t know why I put up with him for so long, my life was really a living hell for years, but I’m so very glad it’s over. I’ve heard from him a few times, I’ve thought about taking a personal protection order against him, but I’m just glad he’s not part of my life any more. I feel it’s weird to think it’s been a whole year now, you know?
Oh dear, I’m so terribly sorry about my rant, it’s just been on my mind lately because of timing. I’m just glad this is part of my past and not my present, right? I’m so sorry if sometimes I seem like I really have an issue with men, I know it’s not all of you but I’m still just a little bitter. I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t woken up to what I was going through.November 18, 2018 at 8:28 am #197737
How awful. You were obviously trapped by him. Breaking away from him was such a brave thing to do. I am so glad you got out of the relationship. He is a bas*ard for sure, along with other adjectives I could use. You were caught in a horrible situation and was not to blame. He ground you down and used you. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
I hope you’re happier these days and living your life to the full: and are back to being mega popular. It would be easy for me to say never let a man use you again, but you aren’t stupid and know that already. Because you are worthwhile, in spite of the emotional and physical scars. You were young and didn’t know how to handle the pressure of your relationship. And – again – you were not to blame. But I hope today is a better day and I am sure many will relate to your story.November 18, 2018 at 2:21 pm #197749
I am happy things are better with you now Mamie. It made me feel sad about your experiences regarding your baby brother. In my previous job I worked with disabled people, and on many occasions I was sad as people left their partners when they found they had similar disabling conditions. I know Down’s is from birth, but in many ways some people, for various reasons, just cannot handle it.November 18, 2018 at 6:56 pm #197750
I’m so glad you’re on the mend, Mamie. That is one of many things for which I will be thankful this season, right along with being thankful about my own husband.
My ex never struck me or tried to isolate me…my controlling mother wouldn’t have let that happen.
Every once in a while, memories come rushing back. I also wonder what would have become of me hadn’t I divorced him. It’s normal to mourn the loss of one’s hopes and dreams for that relationship.
Now, we have new foundations on which to build better and brighter futures.November 21, 2018 at 2:50 pm #197806
Funnily enough, SpinningJen: I am friends with a few people who happen to have Down’s Syndrome. Although I just see them as people – which they are – I do know others look down on them a little. But – again – to me they are wonderful people. I don’t understand why anyone would think differently. Disabled people are wonderful and are so friendly: as you know.
This is not a diversion, but I felt I should add my penny’s worth!December 19, 2018 at 4:54 pm #198280
Thank you all kindly for your responses!
I was going through a bout of suicidal ideation, and I finally got in to see a new doctor. She’s wonderful! She’s diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I’ve started therapy with her, and she’s put me on Zoloft, which I’ve been taking for several weeks now. I think it’s really helping me, I’m not feeling as down as I was before.
I’ve been getting worse all year, and she said as my life’s been getting better my condition’s been getting worse and worse.
I’m glad I’m finally doing something about it! 🙂December 20, 2018 at 8:21 am #198295December 20, 2018 at 1:59 pm #198301
I am glad for you, Mamie. Having therapy is wonderful and brings the light back. You’re certainly not alone with your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don’t have it myself but you will be happy again. Having good mental health is very important and the fact you’re helping yourself to heal is very positive.
Stay strong.December 21, 2018 at 4:48 am #198316
I agree with the others…good for you on seeking help! That’s the hardest part. I’m glad you’re on the mend.January 11, 2019 at 1:52 pm #198725
OMG! Sounds soooo familiar to me!! He sounds narcissistic. I’m just getting out of mine. After he freaked out 2 days before xmas recently, about my son…again…he packed up and left. I absolutely know its the best thing for me and my son who has mental health issues (my husband made it worse for him for years), but I find it hard still bcuz its been 8 years I spent with him. He too moved us away from family. I had no idea this was happening. We ended up moving back but I see how these types isolate you from friends n family without you even knowing. Sooo much I can say but just wanted to say your story is so familiar. How are you doing now? I live in a small city (20,000) and my ex husband is going to continue to reside here bcuz of our dogs and he also works 2 weeks in/out so he needs me to look after the dogs while hes at work. Grrr! I just wish he’d move far away so I can completely forget the past 8 years!!!January 11, 2019 at 7:15 pm #198735
Thank you for sharing Wysiwyg, I’m really so very sorry you’re still having to deal with your ex husband. I hope you’re able to get him out of your life, I think I’d be a complete nervous wreck if I still had my ex around. Luckily for me he moved back to Canada, and I haven’t seen him now for more than a year.
I really do think it’s so very surprising how these types of people can mess with us, right? I didn’t even realize what he was doing as it was happening to me, like how he isolated me from my friends and family so I’d be easier for him to control. I feel the worst thing he did was how he’d always make me feel like whatever happened was my fault, and my idea.January 13, 2019 at 3:33 am #198767
Hi Mamie – I’m slowly disconnecting from him. Its not easy but I cant subject my son and myself to my ex husbands bs anymore. I know he still wants a part of me etc etc but he has another thing coming.
I think my ex and yours are narcissistic. That’s their problem.January 14, 2019 at 8:23 pm #198785
I completely understand how you feel, I wouldn’t want him in my life either.
I agree with you both our exes are narcissistic, men like them feel like everything is about themselves, and will just take everything from you. He took a decade of my life away from me, I’ll never be able to get that back, but I certainly learned much from him.