advice for a guy on how to address a domineering, rude friend

Female Forum Forums General Discussion A Woman’s View advice for a guy on how to address a domineering, rude friend

This topic contains 13 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  normalguy74 3 days, 3 hours ago.

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  • #211574

    Hello! I came on here because I wanted to ask kind of an advice question. I want to ask that in everyone’s answers, that they be as blunt and honest as possible; I feel like in the situation I’m in, such advice would serve me well.  Disclaimer though, this one is a little long, I apologize but hope people still read it!

    I want to address this question to “strong women”, in other words, women that don’t take crap from anyone, aren’t afraid to speak their mind and tell the truth no matter what a person thinks, tend to be on the “opinionated” side (or so they are told), and other such related qualities, and have been told they are impatient, sarcastic, domineering, rude, brash, or offensive.  The reason why I’m aiming my question at such women is because the person I’m dealing with that I need advice on how to address is EXACTLY that type of woman. (Just to clarify, I’m addressing women that are told they’re that way, even if they don’t think they are, and women who *admit* they’re that way).

    The question is: if you were unknowingly “railroading” a friend all the time, being rude to them, offending them by your sarcasm, mockery, rude remarks, constant correcting of every small thing they say that isn’t right or that you don’t FEEL is right, with all of this making the person not want to be around you and wondering if you really are even their friend, how would you want them to approach you and address  it with you, so that you at least know how they feel (or even attempt to change)?

    I’m asking all this because: I have a friend who is EXACTLY what I’ve described above. We’ve been “friends” for 27 years, and for all but like the first 4 of them, she’s been like I’ve described. She gets irritated and sarcastic at me for the smallest things I say and do that I never do on purpose; often I’ve wanted to say “If I irritate you so much then why are we even friends?” She incessantly corrects me if I say or pronounce words wrong, and makes me feel like a dumb*** by doing that and also making sarcastic comments when I say things that she thinks sound dumb. She has a HORRIBLE temper, and gets frustrated (very easily)  to the point of screaming  if someone or something is not cooperating and doing what she wants it to. She’s told people in the store to “F off”, with me standing right there next to her. It’s “unspokenly”  expected that I (and other friends) she has to like what she likes, whatever it is (car brands, music, types of food, etc) and anyone that doesn’t,  gets an attitude and sarcastic put-downs of what THEY like, eyerolls, etc.   The list of all the memories I have of her in the last 27 years doing many of these kind of things that have hurt me, is too long to even think about sharing. One memory I will include: she once went to sleep, leaving me stranded at her apartment and not giving me a ride home, forcing me to stay overnight, and then left in the morning saying only “Good morning.” and rushing out the door. No sorry, no “can I give you a ride?”  Have we had good times? YES, without a doubt. And we still do on occasion. At the beginning of the friendship she was one of the sweetest and coolest people I’d ever met. Then I got to know her and, well you see where that’s going.

    You may be asking by now “WHY the hell hasn’t he said anything to her after all this time?” Well, the simple answer is, I hate confrontation, and I know her and her personality type well enough (after looking it up on the Net), and from past experiences of confronting her (in a way), that all she would do is get pissed off, use snarky abusive language at me, call me immature, defend herself, and make me out to be the sensitive, stupid, faulty one and put all the blame on me. From what I’ve read on the Net, such people rarely if ever change. And she most likely will get defensive and angry no matter HOW I broach the subject.

    So…. what is all of your honest advice, as strong women, on how to approach her and hopefully illicit SOME kind of reflection on her part, and to possibly get her to see that how she treats me (the past 25 years not involved/included; that would be too much to bring up and rehash) is crappy and really shouldn’t be happening? If that will even bring any results.

    #211576

    My dear boy, do you realize you are a victim of abuse? This woman is not strong, she’s a bully. There’s no subject to broach, I would walk away from that relationship in a heart beat, there is no need to ever speak to her again.

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    #211579

    My dear boy, do you realize you are a victim of abuse? This woman is not strong, she’s a bully. There’s no subject to broach, I would walk away from that relationship in a heart beat, there is no need to ever speak to her again.

    I have had that told to me before, in my travels on the Internet, mentioning the situation. The problem is, we still have good times and I still value her as a friend. In a way, I can’t picture my life without her. I don’t want to give that up. I guess I might have to though. It really really sucks.

    #211581

    Oh my, you need help, you have to know you can’t have it both ways, this woman is like a drug for you.

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    #211583

    Oh my, you need help, you have to know you can’t have it both ways, this woman is like a drug for you.

     

    She’s not a drug for me. I think of her as a friend; I don’t even find her remotely  attractive and never have. Part of it I think is that we remain friends because i’m too chicken to say anything because I’m afraid of the huge blowup that I know she will have, when I say anything.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by  normalguy74.
    #211590

    At worst this relationship is abusive at best its toxic , it really doesnt matter… if youre not happy and youre asking us for advice it means you know its worng.

    Can I just say there is a huge difference between an honest, straight talking, taking no cr*p kind of woman and an abusive one. The first three are descriptions which in a man would illicet praise and stand for being a strong and solid person but in a woman they are seen as negatives normally meaning she is called a b**ch. (or worse)

     

    Anyone who uses another person to make themselves feel strong or powerful by means of domination or abuse is a bully. It makes no difference what gender either or both of them are,, nor from which gender to which,  a bully is a bully end of.

    Now you mention *we have good times…*  I have to tell you that in every case of abused women Ive come across (and there have been too many) all of them without exception say ‘but I love him’ ‘but he can be sweet’ ‘but he is so good to me most of the time’

    This behaviour is just a tool in their manipulation show their good side to the world so that no one will understand the victim and show the good side to the victim so that when they tell the victim ‘you made me do it’ the victim will self doubt.

    In most abuse cases there is a situation resembling stockholm syndrome  which is where a victim of kidnap or hostage will start to feel sympathy or even affection for their captor or abuser.  In quicky coming to your ‘friend’s’ defence you exhibit those symptoms. You are here seeking help and yet do not want anyone to bad mouth your realationship or  your friend.

     

    Take a step back, maybe take a while away from this and others in this vicious circle and make a note of how much better you feel without this person, how much more relaxed you feel, how positive it is not to have someone putting you down and calling you stupid. How free you feel making your own choices.

    Then you can take the steps to making the break permenent because these people do not change their behaviour.. They dont and no matter what they say or what they promise, no matter how much they say the mean it,  they will revert to type.

     

    Thats it, the rest is up to you.  Take it or leave it, I know you are a man and obviously you feel thats different,  its not its still abuse and most abused women reach out several times  and sadly it takes an average of 50 abuse cycles before they finally report their abuser  so I dont expect you to walk away overnight.

    But I hope you can make some changes to help you cope.

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by  cassandra.
    2 users liked this post:
    #211612

    At worst this relationship is abusive at best its toxic , it really doesnt matter… if youre not happy and youre asking us for advice it means you know its worng.

    Can I just say there is a huge difference between an honest, straight talking, taking no cr*p kind of woman and an abusive one. The first three are descriptions which in a man would illicet praise and stand for being a strong and solid person but in a woman they are seen as negatives normally meaning she is called a b**ch. (or worse)

    Anyone who uses another person to make themselves feel strong or powerful by means of domination or abuse is a bully. It makes no difference what gender either or both of them are,, nor from which gender to which, a bully is a bully end of.

    Now you mention *we have good times…* I have to tell you that in every case of abused women Ive come across (and there have been too many) all of them without exception say ‘but I love him’ ‘but he can be sweet’ ‘but he is so good to me most of the time’

    This behaviour is just a tool in their manipulation show their good side to the world so that no one will understand the victim and show the good side to the victim so that when they tell the victim ‘you made me do it’ the victim will self doubt.

    In most abuse cases there is a situation resembling stockholm syndrome which is where a victim of kidnap or hostage will start to feel sympathy or even affection for their captor or abuser. In quicky coming to your ‘friend’s’ defence you exhibit those symptoms. You are here seeking help and yet do not want anyone to bad mouth your realationship or your friend.

    Take a step back, maybe take a while away from this and others in this vicious circle and make a note of how much better you feel without this person, how much more relaxed you feel, how positive it is not to have someone putting you down and calling you stupid. How free you feel making your own choices.

    Then you can take the steps to making the break permenent because these people do not change their behaviour.. They dont and no matter what they say or what they promise, no matter how much they say the mean it, they will revert to type.

    Thats it, the rest is up to you. Take it or leave it, I know you are a man and obviously you feel thats different, its not its still abuse and most abused women reach out several times and sadly it takes an average of 50 abuse cycles before they finally report their abuser so I dont expect you to walk away overnight.

    But I hope you can make some changes to help you cope.

    Thanks so much for the reply my dear. It definitely got me thinking; I had never thought of this woman as an abuser before. It brings a whole new angle and light to the situation.  I am so used to having her as a friend, that there of course is part of me that hopes she will change (permanently), but the more I read the more that hope is being dashed. Life is what it is, I guess. The next step is to get the courage to confront her on it that I’ve been trying to get since literally 1996. We will see how it goes…..

    #211622

    Good Luck.

    To be honest I wouldnt go for confrontation. She is an expert in manipulation so you are bound to come away from it feeling bad about yourself as if you are the bad person.

    Better to just begin to distance yourself remove them from your social media or say youre taking time off from any FB or twitter and then later open a new account that excludes them.

    Get a new phone number maybe not straight away but think about it.

    Start using different bars, clubs, shops or diners find new places where you can enjoy the peace and life without them and without looking over your shoulder,

    Give yourself permission to say no , when they phone and ask you to go somewhere or do something just NO. No need to feel you owe them,  they want you to feel that way. No excuses , no get out stories just.. NO I dont want to.

    They will soon realise something is wrong and will ask but dont fall for the ‘have I upset you ‘ line  its just another way to worm back into your life.

    So just say No, Im just doing my own thing for a while.

     

    I hope it works and you are able to start fresh with friends who make you feel good.

    Remember.. A friend should make your heart sing,  not cry..

     

    3 users liked this post:
    #211628

    I second both of cassandra’s posts.

    I agree that confrontation won’t work: she’ll simply manipulate you into agreeing and you’ll never move on. It isn’t your fault, by the way: making mistakes with your decisions does not give anyone the right to shout and yell abuse. That IS bullying. Say I accidentally drip the gravy onto the table and my sister yelled verbal abuse: would that make her a strong woman? Or a bullying woman? Now, my sister hasn’t yelled at me like that, but that is an example of bullying.

    I don’t think this friend is a strong woman. She yells and screams to get her way: strong women know their own mind and are assertive, rather than aggressive. Your friend is aggressive. It isn’t your fault for being “too chicken”. She is an adult and should be able to control herself: she sounds out of control.

    I know I am being hard on her, but the impression I get of her is not a pleasant one.

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    #211649

    You should bite the bullet and dump her it will be easier for you in the long run.

    2 users liked this post:
    #211701

    I can relate to your plight, normalguy.  You’ve described my mother.  Although she was never nasty to others outside of the home, she wasn’t very nice to my father and me for the most part.  Yes, that tiny woman was a bully to our 5’8′ and 6’3″ frames.

    Your friend might be so tightly wound (stressed) that she needs medication, but refuses to get help.  Or, when prescribed, she refuses to take it.  To her, everyone else in the world has issues.  There is no way you can convince her otherwise.

    I agree with what the other ladies have said, only I might take it further.  Just “rip off that band-aid” and cut her out of your life completely.  ASAP.  Explaining your reasons to her will be fruitless.  Like others said, she’ll turn the tables on you and make you feel guilty or you’re at fault.  Like Cassandra mentioned, avoid her like the plague.  If you can afford to, I would even move away.

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    #211711

    I can relate to your plight, normalguy. You’ve described my mother. Although she was never nasty to others outside of the home, she wasn’t very nice to my father and me for the most part. Yes, that tiny woman was a bully to our 5’8′ and 6’3″ frames.

    Your friend might be so tightly wound (stressed) that she needs medication, but refuses to get help. Or, when prescribed, she refuses to take it. To her, everyone else in the world has issues. There is no way you can convince her otherwise.

    I agree with what the other ladies have said, only I might take it further. Just “rip off that band-aid” and cut her out of your life completely. ASAP. Explaining your reasons to her will be fruitless. Like others said, she’ll turn the tables on you and make you feel guilty or you’re at fault. Like Cassandra mentioned, avoid her like the plague. If you can afford to, I would even move away.

    Not gonna lie: it’s rough to hear that I should drop her and avoid her, even if it really is what I should do. This is not really something I want to have to deal with in the middle of all this Corona BS, but, I just might have to. At best, I could put it off until things are starting to get back to normal, but eventually, I’m obviously going to have to address it. As I’ve said before, part of me thinks that she doesn’t realize what she’s doing and how she’s affecting me, and that if I make her aware of it, she might change, at least a little bit. It is just too rough of an idea for me to just drop her. Part of the reason of that is that she lives not a couple blocks from me, plus she’s got a brother that lives with her that is a lot like her. They tend to come to each other’s defense and I’m afraid that if I piss her off and she make him think I’m doin her wrong, he will try to be physically violent with me. He’s in a wheelchair, yes, but that won’t stop him from trying to come find me and be confrontative. At any rate, my point is: there’s reasons why I haven’t done it yet, and am making excuses to hold it off. Whether I should or not.

    #211783

    I can understand your fear, normalguy74: you’re not alone with it. I write this because breaking up with someone can end in violence in extreme situations: I know that is a horrible thing to say – but as I’ll say now – breakups are hard, stressful and difficult.

    I can also understand your bond with her. This is because no matter how nasty someone is, you still love them. But your love won’t change her: it’ll just torture you instead. She may not even realize your love tortures you. Obviously I’ve never met her, but there is a bond there and that will never leave. However, you’ve got to look out for your emotional well-being and stress levels. It’s going to hurt, but you’re better off without her. She hurts your feelings, she disrespects you and insults you. Again, your love won’t change her.

    It is hard to say goodbye and it will hurt. You’ve been put in an impossible situation and you are not at fault. In spite of the guilt breaking up with her puts on you. And she has a lot to feel guilty about, too. AND you are NOT to blame for her rude behaviour.

    The ball in is your court. I hope whatever you decide works out for you.

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    #212128

    Thanks for all tips and suggestions and advice thus far. I will update you with anything that may happen.

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