Advice needed

This topic contains 17 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  mikki 1 year, 4 months ago.

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  • #153710

    Hi there, I am new to this but need some unbiased advice outside of my circle.

    My husband went home to USA recently for a 6 week holiday (we reside in NZ where we have lived our entire relationship of 18 years).  He has been there for nearly an extra 8 weeks now with no indication of a return date.  We planned the 6 weeks together and thought it was a good length of time.  He promised he would be back in the time we planned and said nothing would keep him away from his family.  We have 2 teenage daughters who are missing their father and I am missing him like crazy as we’d never been apart for more than a few days.  He hadn’t seen his parents in nearly 12 years and I can understand him wanting more time with them.  He has made all sorts of excuses to stay but the main one is that his parents might die (they aren’t sick but are aging).  I gave him about a months space and didn’t bring up his return or how I or the kids were feeling etc but recently I brought it up as we needed to sort this and get some sort of indication and then read him an email of how we were feeling and asked him one final time to come back and he said no.   He got so angry at me after reading my email and things were left messy with us both yelling through the phone.  It is extremly rare for us to argue like that.  I know he won’t talk to me for days – he does this when we’ve fought in the past, won’t even talk to our girls but feel this is the end of our marriage.

    Since him being back there we have talked about moving to USA which I am all for (unfortunately our girls don’t want to).  His parents have never come here to visit and have never met our children.  In my opinion it will take at least 12-18 months to wrap up our lives here and move there and in his opinion he thinks it can happen just like that.  We have debts, animals, schooling, visas, passports to get etc I don’t understand his logic.

    We don’t usually fight but lately that’s all we have done over his return to NZ.  Every time I mention it he shuts me down or gets angry and ignores us and the situation.  He’s kept in contact a couple of times a week with phone calls and says he loves and misses us.  I think he should be home looking for work here and planning this move with his wife and children.  He’s not worked for nearly 2 years, I’ve been the sole earner and this has been a pattern throughout our marriage which is why we could never afford to move or visit there.  I feel we aren’t his priority and are unsure of what to do.  I do love him, we’ve had some rock bottom times throughout the years but have helped each other through them and made it this far.  Our relationship was the best it had been in years until he left for USA.  My family are telling me to just leave things now, that he has walked out on us, and my girls have basically said the same.  Should I try again or leave it to him to realise what he is giving up?

    #153754

    This does not sound at all positive. I am tending towards leaving him, with the only concern being that you do love him.

    Thus, I would take the third option, go over to america and spend the month there as cheaply as you can possibly manage and get a feel for where your relationship is going. Maybe his parents would help financially.

    I hope it works out well. 🙂

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    #153756

    I am sorry to hear. This seems a very difficult situation as you are not in a position to know what is really going on where he is. The emotion will not be helping either of you, whatever the situation, and your children will be picking up on it, making them feel worse. Making any plans to move now would likely not be good at all as you don’t know what to expect at the other end, but do have stability where you are. You mention his parents. Does he have other family over there or would it be a complete new start in a strange community without them? Your daughters need you now. They are of and age to understand so, in my opinion,  being open with them will help you all. You maybe don’t have lots of influence in the situation around your husband, so cannot change a lot. I would say, just let him know your feelings (all of you), but don’t heavily persue it. Get on with your life at home and let him explain his actions. Be very wary of agreements to move until you really understand and agree rationally, not emotionally, with the plan. It may possibly be that his parents have an emotional hold over him, intentionally or not, which is making things difficult.

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    #153815

    This does sound complicated, I think your husband is having some sort of mid life crisis. I not sure what the best advice is but he probably needs some sort of professional help That is my pennyworth as I don’t want to give bad advice, Spinningjen’s words sound about right to me. However good luck I hope it works out for you.

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    #153829

    I’m so sorry, this seems like an incredibly hard time for you and your girls. I understand your confusion too with all this. On the one hand he says he loves and misses you all, but on the other he doesnt want to give you an estimated time for his return or even talk about it, and gets angry when you even bring it up. No one can say whats going on with him, but what he is doing is not fair to you or your kids obviously. You have every right to be angry. Only you can decide what to do here though, follow your heart. I think if I were in your shoes, I would prepare for the worst honestly. I dont think I would go to the States to see him, and definitely not make a move there, the way things are now. I would most likely just leave him alone, because he is probably going through a lot of mixed emotions right now about what he wants. Then, if he does decide to eventually come back, you have to see if you can find it in you to forgive him. Not just for how he treated you, but also your girls. From your post, it also seems like there are issues in your marriage that may need to be worked through for it to work out, such as the work situation. It seems like you feel he has been treating you unfairly for a while?

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    #153933

    Thank you all!  Most points stated above I have thought about too (its been the only thing I’ve thought about) but the one that sticks out the most is the emotional hold his parents may hold, I’m guessing that has hit the nail on the head, they may not realise it as its in his head not theirs.

    I’ve asked him to come home to discuss moving there, that it can’t be planned over the phone, its to big of deal for all of us to just whip up a plan and go with that especially in a short time frame.  I’ve never demanded, just asked him to come back.  He is well aware of our feelings, says things like don’t you think I feel the same or think about these things too, I’m not sure he does otherwise he’d be home or at least giving us some sort of indication of a return date.

    He has always been my biggest supporter and I his, and he’s definitely not a horrible person, he’s amazing and a great father BUT he’s not the most motivated when it comes to working and supporting us financially, so if we were to move, how can I rely on that.  He wants us to move close to his parents which I don’t have a problem with and he has a brother and best friend close by, but I’ve never really got along with his mum, there has always been tension there since I took her baby boy away, so I feel I won’t have much support and going by his actions now, seems I will have very little, but I’d decided to give this move a go now that our girls are older and to sacrifice this for him as I know its been something he’s been wanting for a long time.

    My girls seems to be more level headed than I am at present but they are upset and angry that he hasn’t come home as am I.  I am the kind of person who when there’s an argument I like to fix it straight away and he likes to stew for days – says it’s in case he says something he might regret, but it’s just stonewalling me and I hate it, it makes matters worse and I’m a total over thinker!

    I knew before he left that he wouldn’t be back when we agreed as his parents brought him a one way ticket and his mum told me she wanted him there longer, I did specifically ask him about this and he said tough this is what we (him and I) planned, I trusted him and believed him but never seen this whole situation coming and being like this.

    Thank you for your advice, as hard as it is, I guess I just have to leave things alone and hope like crazy he see’s that by pushing us aside that he may just lose us completely and then no one wins.

    3 users liked this post:
    #153974

    Hi Noodle, I think you are right to leave it and see if he comes to his senses, it seems like if you moved out to the USA that you would be the one who has to find a job anyway. That will be hard as well in a new country, if he wants your marriage to work he will come back.

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    #154029

    These types of decision are the hardest to make, Noodle. Because they don’t just affect you. But you have thought this through, you have considered others, and listened to advice, and only then have you made a choice.

    Good for you. I hope it all works out for you, and your family.  🙂

    2 users liked this post:
    #154395

    I think your husband obviously moves around a lot, so maybe living in the USA would be right for him. But would it be right for you and your daughters? I wouldn’t go myself. I think there is tension and a rift between your husband and yourself and moving away won’t change that. Plus, there’ll be tensions between you and his mother. Your daughters will pick up on that. I can’t decide for you, but I would “fix” the marriage before moving anywhere with him. Stay true to your heart.

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    #154406

    I agree. I always try to remember not to make big decisions while I’m very emotional. Give it a little time so you feel like whatever decision you make is rational too ❤️

    2 users liked this post:
    #154435

    Thank you all so much!  Yes I’ve decided to leave it, I have asked a family member if he is ok, I’ve still not heard from him, been nearly a week now.  I am totally confused.  We literally had no problems before he left so this is just so confusing.  I was not planning to move there to fix any problems, just thought it was about time to sacrifice something for him since this is what he has been wanting, I will not be discussing anything on that subject until he comes home and discusses it with me and the kids.

    KitKatKitty you said – I think your husband obviously moves around a lot, so maybe living in the USA would be right for him, what does that mean?  He moved around a lot as a child but we’ve been in the same town here for 18 years is that what you meant?

    Magnolia, you are completely right and I think when I read out how the girls and I were feeling might have been to soon?  I did give it an extra 4 weeks though before bringing the subject back up.  Oh man I’m feeling like this is all my fault, I just wanted some answers and a solid return date for the kids and I to work from!

    Anyways, thank you all so much, it was good to have some advice from people who aren’t close to us xox

    1 member liked this post:
    #154437

    Good luck! I hope everything works out and that you will soon get some answers from him. Let us know how it goes.

    1 member liked this post:
    #155528

    Hello Noodle1979: I have replied to your post on another subsection on this website. I hope you find that post helpful.

    I hope everything works out for you.

    1 member liked this post:
    #155538

    Hi Noodle good luck with your life, if he really cares about his family he will come back. x

    1 member liked this post:
    #159884

    How are you doing?

    1 member liked this post:
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