July 21, 2017 at 3:03 am #131351
I’m going to try to be objective about this because I genuinely don’t want someone to just “tell me what I want to hear” or agree with/validate me. That’s why I’m not discussing this with my friends or my mom, because I know they’ll just take my side.
Today I got into an argument with my boyfriend of about a year over VIRTUALLY NOTHING. But what was alarming and upsetting about the argument is not what it was about, but how he handled the situation and the things he said.
We spent most of the day at the pool when all of a sudden, it’s like all of the joy was drained from his body. He swam over to the side of the pool and just closed his eyes with an expressionless look on his face. Even little kids swimming around were noticing and confusedly looking over at him, then at me, then back at him. I, against my best judgement, asked what was wrong, and he of course said “nothing.” I tried to shrug it off, because I’ve been in situations like this before and knew that if I kept asking, he’d just get frustrated (even though it is ALSO very frustrating to be around someone who spontaneously and unexpectedly begins acting like they will never smile again).
We drove back to my place, and he was still acting very cold, distant, and disinterested. I assumed that it was something I’d said, so I again (against my better judgement) asked what was wrong. He, again, said “nothing”, and asked me what I was trying to do for the rest of the day. I gave him about 5 different options, feeling like I made it very clear that I was cool with whatever he wanted, including going our separate ways in case he wanted alone time or to be with family. He got frustrated for some reason, telling me that it “seemed like I already had a plan” for the day, as if I was being inflexible. I reassured him that I only wanted what he wanted, and wasn’t set on anything.
He then accused me of trying to “prove something is wrong with him” by asking him what was wrong a few times. I don’t know about you all, but I’m not super interested in spending time with people who are in no way acting like they want to be around you, so I pretty much told him that I was going to go inside and that we could just meet up some other day. For whatever reason this really made him mad, and he accused me of not being there for him, not wanting to “solve the problem”, and trying to blame him and point the finger at him.
I’ve noticed whenever I am frustrated with him he claims, “oh yeah, it’s always my fault, because you’re so perfect!” I don’t personally feel like I’m perfect or that I’m never wrong, many times I apologize for saying something that upsets him and try to fix my behavior because I’ve realized over the years that if someone you trust is telling you that you’re making them feel bad, then you should at least take a step back and see it from their perspective. But hey, I make mistakes and I’m really not afraid to admit it.
At this point in the conversation, I was pretty frustrated because it seemed like from the beginning, I was trying to get to the root of the problem by asking what’s wrong, what do you want to do, what do you want, etc. So I got out of the car and told him I’d really prefer if we talked later so that we had time to think about things. He once again accused me of “not being there for him”, claiming that if I was too “petty” to deal with the problem, then there’s no way I could deal with serious problems in the future and that a “long term relationship” wasn’t right for us. To me, it really seemed like he was telling me “get back in the car or it’s over.” He did actually even say “either we talk about this now or maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore.”
I explained to him the ways that I felt that I had been “there for him”, but he kept dismissively saying “whatever” whenever I implied that’d he’d been part of the problem, if not the root of the problem in this situation. We said goodbye and I went inside alone.
I personally feel like I shouldn’t have to do so much emotional labor to 1) figure out why he’s acting so upset, 2) try and get him out of his bad mood. But what’s the alternative? If I try to distance myself from the situation by implying that I really don’t want to hang around a super moody and cold person, then I’m “not there for him”. It’s like I either hang around and laboriously try to cheer him up, or let him be and do my own thing (because my life really doesn’t revolve around him/his moods, and I actually have a lot of things to do).
I understand that he may be acting detached because he is anxious or depressed about something, but is it too much to ask for him to express that to me verbally so that I know? I really, genuinely want to hear an objective opinion of this, I’m not just saying that. I’m stuck in a rough spot because I don’t want to dismiss my feelings but I also don’t want to overreact and place blame when I’ve also made an error. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! Sorry, I know this is a long post.July 21, 2017 at 9:45 am #131369
To me – things don’t look very hopeful. You both seem to be very emotionally stressed, and as you say – need to talk.
If you really did nothing at the pool to invite such negative reactions, then I think this has been building up for some time, and maybe you just have not seen or accepted the signs.
Over the years I have noticed that men develop emotionally more slowly than women. They can be far less ready to discuss their feelings. It takes a subtle approach such that they don’t think they are being cornered. If they feel trapped then they tend to lash out in someway. At the point you are you will read each other with body language rather than words.
Maybe don’t ask if he needs space and a period apart as this is negative. If you really want him then you need to relax and let him feel like he can be open with you (don’t ask me how exactly as it’s difficult to advise due to my lack of expertise and knowing your exact situation). That way the relationship can grow, or, if you really are not suited then you will both learn from it and likely part on good terms..July 21, 2017 at 2:22 pm #131514
He sounds like he changes from hot to cold and you “have” to put up with his moods. I’m not going to lie to you: I don’t like moody people and people who blow hot and cold. Like it’s all your fault. Being nice to him won’t change him: and he lay all the blame at your feet. To be blunt, I think he is a jerk. I wouldn’t date someone like that myself. However, you are the one in the relationship, not me. BUT if you’re prepared to put up with his moods, then that is your choice. You may really love him. But if you’re unhappy and feel like nothing you do is right, then maybe it’s time to end the relationship and find someone more mature.July 21, 2017 at 9:37 pm #131568
I think you are taking on too much for yourself.
It is not your job to make him happy and content, that is his job, in exactly the same way that you are your own responsibility.
As one half of a relationship though, it is appropriate to offer to help support the other half, but if the offer is declined, then your responsibility is over.
It is unacceptable for him to make you drag it out of him, and then provide the solution.
I think you should tell him that if he says ‘nothing’ when you ask him what’s wrong, then that is how he should start acting, and if he doesn’t you are off until he recovers or accepts your generous offer to talk it through.
Seriously, he is acting like a spoiled child. When my daughter acted like a spoiled child I discouraged her.July 23, 2017 at 1:47 am #131728
I dont think you did anything wrong directly. You did mention “you actually have alot of things to do.” If at one time in the past you two were seeing each alot he could be moody and depressed cause it appears to him you two maybe fading away. He may want to simply spend more time.
Looks as if you have good lines of communication but hes has an issue to act like that.
Id say if you been with him for awhile and your hang out time is slipping away and he isnt as busy as you, this might be a problem but he dosnt need to act like that to try and talk.
If he dose want more time thats a good thing cause he likes you and more than likey faithful. Hard thing to find these days. He wants to spend more time maybe with you and not with soneone else.
You didnt really get his reason so its very tough to understand another mind that dosnt want to talk. We all been there.
Hope this helps! 🙂
July 23, 2017 at 2:33 am #131735
- This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by CindyLickliter.
Another 2 cents as well.
No matter what you do you may end up loosing the realationship. If this happens walk away knowing that if you cant communicate you will end up sepaerated.
You can always learn from failure wither its your fault, or in this case, or not. Look for someone who can be open with you. You will be happier in the end.
Also dont forget that if it dosnt add to you, more than likely its taking away.
I know your not looking for someone to drag you down!
Have a good day.December 19, 2017 at 1:48 am #146634
I feel like I’m missing some information, but I may be able to try to give some advice. I think you two need to have another conversation about that, but the way youdescribed his actions, it almost sounds like he wants to either control you or doesn’t know how to communicate himself. I can just say… Well, be careful.December 23, 2017 at 8:49 am #147039
How are you now mace1234? What came of our advice in the end? Do reply soon, if you’re still on this website.September 18, 2018 at 8:52 pm #196544
Wow, it has been over a year and yet I am back!!
I am still in a relationship with the person that this post is about, and actually came back to air more grievances. Re-reading this post has really made me realize his cycle of behavior. I think that since he’s so “dedicated” to the relationship, I give him more credit than he deserves when it comes to maturity levels and actually understanding how to make a relationship work.
He makes me feel inadequate in the ways that I love him, he says things he doesn’t mean when feeling emotional, and picks fights and escalates them all in the name of “passion”.
Recently, he’s accused me of being inconsiderate. I think I am going to make a separate post to get new insights. Thank you all for your help!September 19, 2018 at 10:22 am #196553
Shoot me if you like but… Why?
Why did you stay ? why are you back with new problems? Did the old ones get fixed? and Why are you putting up with abuse..
*He makes me feel inadequate in the ways that I love him, he says things he doesn’t mean when feeling emotional, and picks fights and escalates them all in the name of “passion”.
All of the above (my bold) is abusive manipulative behaviour.
There is a yellow banner at the bottom of each page as you post on this forum it says Never forget that you are amazing…. Read it because I think you need to be reminded of that because you dont seem to be getting it from this relationship.September 19, 2018 at 4:01 pm #196556
A lot of what you’re describing reminds me of my ex boyfriend, and he was manipulative and abusive. I agree with @cassandra, putting up with his abuse can be very difficult, especially when he does things like he blames it all on you. You’ve recognized his cycles, he’s probably only going to get worse, I wasted nine years on my boyfriend that I so wish I could have back.
I’m sorry if I’m sounding like one of those people who “tells you what you want to hear”, but it’s just how I feel, abusive boyfriends just aren’t worth it. I don’t remember where I read this, but something I really like:
“Don’t try to figure out how to keep your man. Find a man who wants to be kept.”
1 member liked this post:September 20, 2018 at 1:29 am #196581
I agree with the others here. Mamie and I have very similar exes, only I was with mine for 17 years. You’ll be 26 soon, right? Don’t waste any more of your youth on him.
I’ll have to remember that quote, Mamie…it’s a keeper!
1 member liked this post:September 21, 2018 at 6:47 pm #196665
I feel a little sad for you, mace1234. I think you’ve got a lot of years ahead of you and you deserve the best in life. Why are you putting up with his abuse? I wish there was advice I could offer, but YOU hold the key to this situation: you’ve just got to use it. You are more important that being treated like dirt. I think you maybe see yourself as not deserving of a better man. I can’t make you leave him, but until you lay down the law and respect yourself more, you’ll always put up with his abuse.
You alone hold the key.October 22, 2018 at 5:22 pm #197205