Am I selfish …. Argh.

This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  KitKatKitty 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

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    Hiya, first post here. Sorry it’s a dramatic one!

    So, I have a lovely boyfriend, a gamer boyfriend, with a lot of gamer friends in real life and online.

    My lovely gamer boyfriend is a loud lovely gamer boyfriend, he talks a lot online over his headset to all his friends.

    Bear with me, I’m horrendous at describing things 😂 even worse right now because I’m not sure if I’m actually in the right here.

    Sadly he doesn’t have a job right now as he was bullied out of his last one ☹️ he is actively searching though and he having such bad luck.

    I work though, 50 hours a week, so like anyone who is exhausted from work it gets to me when I have to hear him screaming and cursing down the headset, the flat isn’t big, it’s a kitchen/lounge and a separate bedroom. So it was impossible to relax and even hear a film or the TV with his loudness, so I asked if he could keep it a little quieter and try not to yell, and he agreed but either trial and error it didn’t work, he’s far too passionate about gaming.

    Annnnnyway he said that he’s on it non stop when I’m at work 10 hours a day, so he was going to stop using the headset when I’m there and just play without it, let me tell I really appreciated this as I reaaaallly wished he wouldn’t use it when I’m around but didn’t want to ask that of him so I never did, just secretly hoped he’d come up with it on his own and yaaaay he did!

    So, this should be the end of it, happy days.

    Unfortunately not, his real life gamer mates now have a massive problem with me, and keep making snidey comments, in person and over text on the computer.

    I know I shouldn’t let comments bother me, but I do, I’m sorry 😂😂

    They say things like he’s whipped and I’m controlling and selfish, and make comments like ”Is it ok with your mum?”

    One even said to him to tell me to fuck off into the bedroom so he could use his headset… But… Why should I have to?

    This is now leaking over into real life situations, his friend asked him to join a gym, he said no because it’s in a different town, that’s apparently my fault. (He sits on his bum all day and games, blimey it would please me if he went to a gym! Think of his health !)

    His friend wants him to work with in, this is again in a different town and he can’t drive, so he said no because any money he earned would be wasted on travel… My fault also!

    Friends have plans and to go out and he doesn’t want to …. My fault!

    Literally if he doesn’t do that they want when they want it, I get bad-mouthed!

    I know I really shouldn’t let it bother me, but I have never stopped him doing anything, I wish he was more outgoing and I want his friends to like me, I know he thinks highly of a lot of them and their attitude towards me is stressing him out.

    I’m not even sure there’s a solution but to ignore it, maybe this is more of a vent because I can’t vent to my other half, I don’t want to put his mates down to him.

    All this started with a headset…. Grrr.


    You’re not selfish: you work 50 hours a week and need your own time to be a quiet time: not have your boyfriend and his friends making all that noise. It is a shame your boyfriend lost his job: maybe it affected him so much, he feels empty and lost and that’s why he spends all day gaming? Your boyfriend doesn’t necessarily have depression, but maybe he does feel down. I think offering emotional support and encouraging him to find the good in life again would work. You could suggest going out to places in your free time and show him he doesn’t need to be gaming all day. I’m not a mind reader but I do think he feels very down and needs emotional support and gentle encouragement. You don’t have to baby him but taking a different approach could well work.

    1 member liked this post:

    Gaming like so many other things can become an addiction but I suppose you know that. It sounds like your BF is on a slippey slope, I get he is most likely down due to the job situation and even in the 21st century guys dont like it when the woman brings home the bacon and they dont so they retreat into a place they feel good and safe , with your BF thats the gaming.

    You need to make so new agreements about your gaming  habits. I dont mean law down the law but just sit down and say can we please talk about the amount of time Im alone while youre gaming.. can we spend more time together? without the gaming.. See how it goes I agree with @kitkatkitty you need to gently wean him away from the game world and tempt him back into the real one.

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  cassandra.
    3 users liked this post:

    I agree totally with cassandra. I’d – slowly – wean him off of gaming. Don’t let on what you’re doing and he’ll never realize your plan. I know he isn’t a child, but no one can spend their whole lives gaming. There is a world out there. Just take it one step at a time and you’ll boost his confidence. Now, I love using the computer myself [although not gaming] but I realize I have other things to do in the day, as well. Your boyfriend just needs that push.


    How has the situation panned out, cathygrey? Did you manage to wean him off the computer games? I’d be interested in an update.


    Oh dear, I’m so terribly sorry you’re going through this!

    You really sound a lot like you’re describing my ex boyfriend.  He went through literally the same thing, he lost his job and he was playing video games all day, and he was even lazier and more abusive to me.  He sounds like an excuse maker to me, and I feel it’s very highly likely he wasn’t “bullied” out of his last job, but he’s probably responsible for his own unemployment.  He doesn’t seem to have any interest in life except playing games.  I mean, you say he plays all day and then when you come home he doesn’t even want to spend time with you?  You matter less to him than his games and his friends.

    And you know he’s badmouthing you to his friends, I mean if he had to take his headset off (or better yet, he should’ve turned off his game!), he could’ve told them anything why he’s doing that, but instead he blames you.  He could be telling them to be easier on you, but it doesn’t sound to me like he is?  And he’s blaming you for why he can’t go to the gym or get a job?  OMG my ex did the exact same thing to me!

    I feel he’s using you, you’re working hard and he’s using your money to live a slovenly life where he has no cares and just has fun all day, and he can’t even respect you or make your friends respect you.  I understand you feel he’s still wonderful and all, I felt exactly like you did until I really realized what was going on.

    I suggest just tell him to leave and you can find someone better who will add to your life and not just take from you.

    2 users liked this post:

    Re-reading your post, cathygrey, I think Mamie is right. Your boyfriend seems to be immature and doesn’t seem to appreciate you. Now I am not sitting in judgement of him, but you can do better. He has to learn to pay for himself: and not use you as a meal ticket. This relationship isn’t ideal: in fact, it is far from it. Again, you can do better. I wouldn’t stay myself, but if things don’t change, then do yourself a favour and move on. A relationship shouldn’t be like this: it should be both partner’s sharing things equally and respecting each other. Not gaming all day and barely communicating. You’re his girlfriend: not his parent. Don’t be his meal ticket.

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