April 12, 2021 at 5:15 pm #237988
I am very new to this forum. I actually went on a searche for a female forum collective in hopes of meeting some new voices and getting some feedback on a situation that has caused me tremendous grief and depression in the past year. Trigger warning for people that might find this post sensitive: the topic does involve abortion. Which is why I wanted to find a safe, female collective to talk through.
A little over a year ago, I started an intimate relationship with a friend. He was actually a friend of mine that moved into my home when I had an unexpected leave from a roommate that got a job elsewhere and I needed to fill the room quickly and he came to my aid. A few months in, we started having intimate relations. I found comfort in him in a time that was not going well. I lost my godmother to addiction and my father was now in rehab.
The intimacy was short lived. After a couple months, I found myself pregnant. And I had to make the hardest decision of my life, to get an abortion. I was not in a position to have any other option. He did not agree. He wanted to have the baby but at the time respected my decision.
So I moved forward. The day of the appointment, I found out that I was pregnant with two embryos. Twins. If the decision wasn’t hard enough, it became worse. I had 30 minutes to decide. I moved forward, while crying in the waiting room. I brought my girlfriend with me for support. It was a terrible experience. But I hoped I would just be able to move on after and it would be a distant memory soon enough.
Needless to say, the relations with my friend stopped. How could I go back to that intimacy after what had transpired because of it? He did not agree with that. He wanted a relationship with me. I could not provide. But after several conversations, and me checking in with him, he decided to stay and continue living there with me and our other friend.
In the weeks following the abortion, my body was not okay. I was bleeding daily, until one day, I was Hemorrhaging blood. I fainted. We went to the hospital. It was the longest night. I had to get an ambulance to another hospital location because the one I was at could not perform the procedure. There was no OBGYN doctors in their ER. After being even more traumatized and an operation later, finally, maybe I could put this whole thing behind me. Heartbreak #1.
6 months later, and the start of a pandemic, I got the bill from the hospital. $8,500. I was in shock, out of work from the pandemic. How could I afford such a bill? It was going to wipe through my savings that I had been building up to buy a house. I went to my friend, and asked if he could help with the bill. After all, it takes 2 to tango. He said he would in time help but couldn’t then. I said I understood but that maybe he could help with monthly payments I was making. He said he would try. He didn’t.
At this same time, I found out the girl, my friend, that I had taken with me in confidence to the abortion clinic, had been going around to our work friends and telling them that I had an abortion. My trauma and the toughest decision I ever made was the subject of gossip and laughs to the people I thought were my friends and chosen family. When I confronted her, she took no responsibility and said all this was my fault and to stop playing a martyr. Heartbreak #2.
I tried to move past this. Told myself she and they were never friends. I tried to move forward but I’ve always dealt with anxiety and depression. By august of 2020, I had a complete breakdown. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get out of bed. I was suicidal. I checked myself into a mental health facility. I couldn’t do it alone. At that time, I was working on my mental stability. Building myself back up. Grieving over the friends I lost. The experience itself, the loss of my job. I took the time to better myself.
By October of 2020, I was a bridesmaid in my 2 girlfriends wedding. I ended up meeting another bridesmaid in the weeks following up to the wedding. Her and I quickly became friends in the duties we were doing to help make the event happen. She is a gay women, known her whole life and was proud to be who she was. During the wedding weekend, I found that I was actually falling for her in a way I never had with a man or any man i had been with. We quickly sparked a relationship that I’m happy to say still is going strong.
I knew that I needed to tell Art, the man that lived with me. That I had gotten pregnant with. I needed to tell him about the new relationship I was starting in. That felt fair.
he did not take it well…
He decided to move out, immediately. He wanted no part of me. I asked if he was still planning on helping with payments for the hospital Bill I was still paying off. He had not helped to date. He said he would. But when he moved out, he blocked me on every platform. And has no intention of ever helping me. Not only had I lost another friend, I was alone in my debt and felt the trauma explode all over again. Heartbreak #3.
It has been 6 months since he left. 10 months since I found out the girl who spoke about my abortion publicly and openly to strangers and friends alike. The grief and sorrow has not gotten easier. I keep telling myself time will heal the wounds. That this feeling is temporary. But daily the pain comes up. The embarrassment of the situation I got in. The grief of so many people I loved and then lost. It hasn’t gotten easier.
I’m looking for guidance, compassion, empathy. How do you all deal with grief or loss? How do you continue to move forward after betrayals and hurt? I hope this is a safe place to discuss these topics. I feel so alone and at a loss. Thank you for listening.
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