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Dealing with Grief and Loss of a friendship

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  • #237986

    Hello all,

    I am very new to this forum. I actually went on a search for a female forum collective in hopes of meeting some new voices and getting some feedback on a situation that has caused me tremendous grief and depression in the past year. Trigger warning for people that might find this post sensitive: the topic does involve abortion. Which is why I wanted to find a safe, female collective to talk through.

    A little over a year ago, I started an intimate relationship with a friend. He was actually a friend of mine that moved into my home when I had an unexpected leave from a roommate that got a job elsewhere and I needed to fill the room quickly and he came to my aid. A few months in, we started having intimate relations. I found comfort in him in a time that was not going well. I lost my godmother to addiction and my father was now in rehab.
    The intimacy was short lived. After a couple months, I found myself pregnant. And I had to make the hardest decision of my life, to get an abortion. I was not in a position to have any other option. He did not agree. He wanted to have the baby but at the time respected my decision.
    So I moved forward. The day of the appointment, I found out that I was pregnant with two embryos. Twins. If the decision wasn’t hard enough, it became worse. I had 30 minutes to decide. I moved forward, while crying in the waiting room. I brought my girlfriend with me for support. It was a terrible experience. But I hoped I would just be able to move on after and it would be a distant memory soon enough.
    Needless to say, the relations with my friend stopped. How could I go back to that intimacy after what had transpired because of it? He did not agree with that. He wanted a relationship with me. I could not provide. But after several conversations, and me checking in with him, he decided to stay and continue living there with me and our other friend.
    In the weeks following the abortion, my body was not okay. I was bleeding daily, until one day, I was Hemorrhaging blood. I fainted. We went to the hospital. It was the longest night. I had to get an ambulance to another hospital location because the one I was at could not perform the procedure. There was no OBGYN doctors in their ER. After being even more traumatized and an operation later, finally, maybe I could put this whole thing behind me. Heartbreak #1.

    6 months later, and the start of a pandemic, I got the bill from the hospital. $8,500. I was in shock, out of work from the pandemic. How could I afford such a bill? It was going to wipe through my savings that I had been building up to buy a house. I went to my friend, and asked if he could help with the bill. After all, it takes 2 to tango. He said he would in time help but couldn’t then. I said I understood but that maybe he could help with monthly payments I was making. He said he would try. He didn’t.
    At this same time, I found out the girl, my friend, that I had taken with me in confidence to the abortion clinic, had been going around to our work friends and telling them that I had an abortion. My trauma and the toughest decision I ever made was the subject of gossip and laughs to the people I thought were my friends and chosen family. When I confronted her, she took no responsibility and said all this was my fault and to stop playing a martyr. Heartbreak #2.
    I tried to move past this. Told myself she and they were never friends. I tried to move forward but I’ve always dealt with anxiety and depression. By august of 2020, I had a complete breakdown. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get out of bed. I was suicidal. I checked myself into a mental health facility. I couldn’t do it alone. At that time, I was working on my mental stability. Building myself back up. Grieving over the friends I lost. The experience itself, the loss of my job. I took the time to better myself.
    By October of 2020, I was a bridesmaid in my 2 girlfriends wedding. I ended up meeting another bridesmaid in the weeks following up to the wedding. Her and I quickly became friends in the duties we were doing to help make the event happen. She is a gay women, known her whole life and was proud to be who she was. During the wedding weekend, I found that I was actually falling for her in a way I never had with a man or any man i had been with. We quickly sparked a relationship that I’m happy to say still is going strong.
    I knew that I needed to tell Art, the man that lived with me. That I had gotten pregnant with. I needed to tell him about the new relationship I was starting in. That felt fair.
    he did not take it well…

    He decided to move out, immediately. He wanted no part of me. I asked if he was still planning on helping with payments for the hospital Bill I was still paying off. He had not helped to date. He said he would. But when he moved out, he blocked me on every platform. And has no intention of ever helping me. Not only had I lost another friend, I was alone in my debt and felt the trauma explode all over again. Heartbreak #3.
    It has been 6 months since he left. 10 months since I found out the girl who spoke about my abortion publicly and openly to strangers and friends alike. The grief and sorrow has not gotten easier. I keep telling myself time will heal the wounds. That this feeling is temporary. But daily the pain comes up. The embarrassment of the situation I got in. The grief of so many people I loved and then lost. It hasn’t gotten easier.
    I’m looking for guidance, compassion, empathy. How do you all deal with grief or loss? How do you continue to move forward after betrayals and hurt? I hope this is a safe place to discuss these topics. I feel so alone and at a loss. Thank you for listening.

    #237996

    I’m so sorry, Carebear. That is so tough!

    In grief and loss, I turn to the people that I do have when others fail me. I’m also one to pray to God, so even when friends or family aren’t available, He is.

    Big hugs!

    #238003

    I experienced a similar situation, only that my one friendship had run its course at the same time my ex and I divorced…and the other ran its course when I was laid off from my job about a year later.  The year that followed was the loneliest in my life!

    I was finally able to fill the various voids by taking dance lessons (when I was still employed), volunteering, and joining an online social group that met once a week for drinks/food/billiards.

    They say that time heals all wounds…it makes things easier, but nobody walks away from such abandonment and/or betrayal unscathed.

    The only advice I can offer is to keep busy, either physically (working out) or mentally (games and/or puzzles), or both.  If possible, immerse yourself in your own work…or look for another position where nobody knows you.  Finding social groups may not be easy in this environment, but it’s an option when things start opening up and when or if you feel safe socializing again on a superficial level (at first).

    Hang in there…

    #238008

    I agree. It’s difficult to pickup after such a fall but taking it slowly and finding new fields. Keeping busy is good as you have less time to dwell on problems. You will put it all behind you in time.

    #238012

    Rebeccajpanda, thank you for your reply.  I do find my self praying quite often in the quiet moments of my life for comfort. It does help to feel not so alone in your head. ❤️

    #238014

    TestDummyCO, I’m so sorry you went through something similar! It’s comforting to hear from someone on the other side of all this. Yes, I think keeping busy is a the best thing to do at this time. I will actually be working on a huge outdoor theatre festival this summer that we are starting to get rolling on that will help and also help maybe meet some new faces. Im hoping it will help me feel better after this year of chaos.

    #238016

    Hard , hard times.

    I think you’ll grow stronger from all you’ve gone through. I don’t think you’re alone: you have many people around you who DO care. I am glad you’ve found a wonderful relationship with someone who does deeply care for you. That is worth more than gold. Also, many, many women have abortions. It is nothing to mock a woman for: nothing to shame a woman for. You were caught in a hard place: you had little choice. If any choice at all. You did what you thought was right at the time: don’t apologise for your decision.

    You WILL recover from these traumatic events. There is so much to life, that you will rise again.

    #238027

    Kitkatkitty, this honestly made me tear up reading at work, thank you for your response. It is calming to here these words. Many women do feel shame about abortions. I think it’s important for me to continue talking about my experience to help stop the shame and slander I had.

    #238034

    Good advice about keeping busy. I like to leave time for reflection in my days, but I know there can be too much of that time when there’s emotional or physical pain. Getting moving can be helpful.

    I don’t believe it’s right to gossip and harm others with our conversation just because we don’t agree with them. For me, the important thing after an abortion is not to shame or argue against whether it should have happened, but to surround the woman with support and love to get through life afterwards. I have heard of many whose mental health declined after abortion, so it’s never okay to pile condemnation on top of that.

    #238036

    Definitely. It’s not a decision that anyone plans to make one day. The cultural shame of it can be very disheartening. I know I still get upset anytime I see billboards promoting fetal heartbeats and then you can immediately feel regret or shame. Because regret can very well be a big reaction for women even if it comes several months or years later. So I completely agree that regardless, the best way to support any woman that went through the experience in with compassion…which sadly is harder to come by than one might think.

    #238040

    I’d like to add that it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks about abortion.  At this point, it’s done…chastising or shaming someone for it isn’t going to reverse course.  All one can do is move on from here.

    #238042

    [quote quote=238040]I’d like to add that it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks about abortion. At this point, it’s done…chastising or shaming someone for it isn’t going to reverse course. All one can do is move on from here.

    [/quote]

    Exactly!

    #238138

    I also agree with you, TestDummyC. You’re a wise woman.

    #238183

    [quote quote=238138]I also agree with you, TestDummyC. You’re a wise woman.

    [/quote]

    We’re a bunch of wise women here. World, come and ask us questions so we can give you all the answers! 😀

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