October 27, 2018 at 3:34 am #197295
I’m new here. I’ve been feeling really down for a week now. I haven’t been sleeping, eating or taking care of myself. For 5 months I was in a relationship and last week Friday morning broke up with me. We had an unhealthy relationship from the beginning. He is really outgoing and I’m not. At times while on dates, he would leave my side to go say hi or talk to other women. I always thought that somehow he was inconsiderate. I mean I didn’t mind the “normal hello, how are you doing” but no he would leave my side. On 3 different occasions, while watching tv, he received text message from 3 different women. He always claimed that they were friends and one that he dated before we started dating and she called and sent a message from a new number. On the day we broke up, I made dinner and waited for him to come to my house like he would normally do. If he was going to do something after work he would usually let me know during the day but that day he didn’t say anything, 37 minutes after he got out of work, he sent a message telling me things that he had to do. I asked why he didn’t mention earlier so I didn’t have to rush getting dinner ready. We started fighting because everytime I say something I don’t like, he would get defensive. I truly feel that if you are trying to have a healthy relationship you have to be able to communicate, but him being the “macho man” felt that he is not a little kid and there is no need to say anything. We’ve talk several times after our fight and somehow he made me that I overreacted and that I’m too jealous. The thing is that I was not feeling that I made a mistake by saying what I felt but then I talked to him and he messed with my head. I can’t stop thinking!!! I only feel satisfied that the moments when we were not fighting, I was good to him. I cleaned his apartment, cooked and did his laundry. I’m not a bad person and when I love I would do everything in my power to make that person happy. I feel so confused and I want to feel normal again. Feeling guilty for something that I don’t think I made the wrong choice makes me tire. I know that there is always 2 sides of the story but based in what I just said, can you please give me a little insight. I could take even mean replies, I just want to make my mind stop for a while. Thank you!October 27, 2018 at 12:10 pm #197298
seriously? You have said and I quote ; We had an unhealthy relationship from the beginning/ he received text message from 3 different women/ he would leave my side to go say hi or talk to other women/ he would get defensive/ he made me that I overreacted and that I’m too jealous/ he messed with my head.
you then add; I was good to him. I cleaned his apartment, cooked and did his laundry.
This is old advice but its sound… Re-read what youve written and answer it as you would if a stranger had written it… Would you tell that woman to get on her knees and beg this guy to come back or would you say you got away just in time girl ?
Then take your own advice and work with it.October 27, 2018 at 12:59 pm #197300
Thank you for taking the time to read and replied to my post. I saw all the red flags and I chose to ignore. I don’t like the way my head gets messed up so easily. I read and read over and over my post and if it were another person I would advise to be glad that it’s over. That it sounds like an emotional abusing relationship. But if I know that, why is it that my thoughts always come back to him.October 27, 2018 at 1:50 pm #197302
Why? because we always try to work out what went wrong, how it went wrong, how we could have changed that etc etc plus you have given 5 months of emotional commitment and we cannot just turn off emotions the way you would a light switch. We will reason with ourselves that it wasnt that bad that he was nice sometimes etc etc but thats often because we dont want to admit that we got taken in by someone.
Anyway its not easy to stay away from something even when we know its bad, if youre on a diet why is it you cant stop thinking about cake? You know its bad for you but still….. We crave what we cant (or shouldnt) have.
Keep letting your sensible self give you that advice and use it to build yourself a better future .
October 28, 2018 at 4:53 am #197310
- This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by cassandra.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I agree you should consider yourself lucky that you are out after only five months.
One reason that you keep thinking about him is that you’re mourning the relationship that could have been…not the one you had.October 28, 2018 at 7:44 am #197312
I am sorry to hear, but agree. As Test says. you are mourning what could have been, or in other words, as Cassandra implies, thinking ‘what could I have done better to make this work?’. In my mind things worked out for the best.October 29, 2018 at 2:45 am #197319
I want to really thank you for your words! I feel that as I think of what your saying the blindfold is off and it gives me the strength to start feeling better about myself. I’ve been driving myself crazy today because I don’t usually drink alcohol but I was feeling so miserable yesterday that I had 3 drinks. I really don’t know why people drink to forget because on me it didn’t work that way. Then all I could think of was the person I was trying to forget. When I was going to put my cellphone to charge, I decided to call him, the first call he didn’t answer but I called again and he answered. I asked if he was doing fine and I said bye. So I didn’t sleep fine and this morning I woke up feeling nervous and stomach was upset. I couldn’t stop thinking and I just wanted to tell him that I missed him terribly. I called 2 times while I was on my way to work, he didn’t answer so I started feeling worse. It’s embarrassing that I’ve been acting this way! I can’t even tell this to anyone I know, Because I know they’ll be feeling sorry for me. I’m not superficial (don’t want this to sound the wrong way); I’m not Jlo but I’m a curvy Puerto Rican that works in my family’ business, that deals with 100’s of peoples, and gets asked on dates constantly, (don’t think I will be ready to date anytime soon) and I’m feeling sorry for myself. He was the first person I felt in love just by the way he treated me. He is really overweight, he is anywhere from 300-350 lbs. I feel brainwashed, I could make a list of 100 things I hate about him and when we were together I wanted a way out, now that I’m out, I want him back. I’m having mental issues! I talked to him every day for 8 months and I saw him everyday for over 5 months. I miss him!!! I know as the days go by, it will start to get easier. I’m not eating, I need to start getting better soon and I need to think less. Thank you so much, I really appreciate a lot every single word you written and thank you so much for your time. Blessings!October 29, 2018 at 11:30 am #197323
I do agree with cassandra. But I suppose you have to decide for yourself. But I also feel it is a shame you know his faults and would still do a lot for him. I don’t understand why myself, but – again – it is your life.
I hope things turn out right for you. But do remember that you deserve respect in a relationship. If he ever hits you, get out. Don’t put up with any abuse.October 29, 2018 at 2:17 pm #197327
We’re not together anymore. I woke up feeling better today. I realized that things happen for a reason and that it is best that the relationship is over.November 11, 2018 at 9:37 am #197591
Good on you, deyla2324. You are well rid. If he wants you back, REFUSE. You did not overreact. We’re always here for you. Being single after a relationship does take adjusting to, but we’ve all been there. Just realize you ARE better off without him. And now you can find a man who respects and cherishes you. Because you deserve the best in life.
Don’t give up on looking for your ideal boyfriend. There are so many wonderful men out there: you’re spoilt for choice.
Enjoy being single!November 13, 2018 at 12:31 am #197630
I think for now I will be single. I have a lot of issues to work on so when I give it a shot once again this doesn’t happen.November 13, 2018 at 1:51 pm #197646
I know what you mean about having issues: I have them myself. I do wish I were a perfect person: but who is? I am single myself and try to be the best person I can be, in order to attract a decent bloke. I know my personality will decide which men like me. This sounds odd, but the way I feel about myself does decide which men have a crush on me. I have slowly learnt over the years to look after myself and never settle for second best. It’s a long, hard road to do this, but it is worth it. I only want to attract decent, respectful men and so look within myself. I suppose this puts the men who are losers off . If a man treats me like sh*t, then the relationship is over. I won’t put up with it.
I think this is good philosophy for any young woman getting into relationships. She should always put herself first and not put up with all those problems men can often cause. It should NEVER be a woman’s lot.November 14, 2018 at 1:42 am #197663
That’s very nice that you’re able to accomplish that! I hope that one day I stop thinking that everyone’s good.November 14, 2018 at 4:17 pm #197670
You would be nuts to continue this toxic relationship.November 17, 2018 at 6:41 pm #197712
I hope you’re feeling okay, I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through this, but like everyone else I’m really glad to hear you’re out of that relationship with him. Many of us have been in relationships like yours, and recovering can be very difficult, especially since one part of abuse is your abuser conditions you to feel dependent on him, so you feel like your purpose is lost when he’s gone.
I was in a state like you’re describing for about four months after my boyfriend moved out last year, I was completely antisocial and depressed, it was really hard but it’s better than still living with him.
About a week ago I had to breakup with a platonic friend of mine, he was toxic but I wasn’t realizing it. I thought he was wonderful, but he was emotionally abusing me. He’d do things like he’d start arguments, he’d make up things I was saying I didn’t really say, and he’d continue hammering me with those until I just broke down and apologized to him, and I couldn’t take it any more, so I refused to keep playing his game and he and I cut things off. At first I wanted to just go back because I thought I needed his friendship, but I know I really don’t, and I’m starting to not miss him as much.
I really hope you do better and you have a happy life.