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Do you see some weird obsession or is there something more to this story?

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    <!–more–>Hi everybody, so my boyfriend ( 48/M)and I (32/F) had already talked about this and we kind of sorted things out, he apologized says he loves me and it was “ never with the intention of anything“ he said he felt comfortable speaking with me about it and so on, so I decided to give him a chance and start from there but recently I found out some things I didn’t know of which I don’t know what to think of, I have gotten many advice from other forum, to just DUMP HIM and move ON!! (I don’t know if you guys would advice the same, or give me a different point of view).

    Below these lines I will give a brief explanation of my general situation, please read!! The paragraph that begins with a small ASTERISK (*) IN  THE FRONT is where I tell what I discovered recently.

    Around August 2016 my now boyfriend as an engineer that he is, started working on a luxurious residential building on the beach where he met this girl that caught his eye big time, he has talked to me about this girl a couple of times now ( last time was February 2020).So when he spoke about her to me, he always said how beautiful, model looking this girl is, that she had all these rich men sending her flowers etc, and that all the men that lived in that building were after her. He even said she had a coke bottle body , (she is a slim girl with a normal body but does not have an amazing figure as he claims she has).

    Why in the world would he even exaggerate this woman’s attributes when I have seen some of her pictures and I know he is in fact exaggerating them, this woman is attractive, pretty, works in a nice place, maybe this make him see her even more interesting but nothing as he describes her to me.

    They began to fully talk more around Jan-Feb 2017 , they never ended up having a real relationship ( I wouldn’t even say DATING but more of a FLING for this matter) but I feel that he IDEALIZED their ”THING” way to much and was deeply falling for her, to the point where he even called her BABE (as I saw in some conversations of the things I came across, More details  shown below and I repeat they didn’t even have a relationship/dating, ( she had gone through a break up with her past boyfriend  and then while talking to my boyfriend she found out that he cheated on her ( I couldn’t resist on seeing their conversations, especially this being a situation that had been eating my head all along.

    So most recently I discovered he has an album of her and this other girl he dated after her on his mobile gallery ( hes still has these 2 album on his mobile gallery) So recently I was working on an external hard drive he gave me to save and organize like around 10,000 pictures from his work( I help him out with his job due to high volume of work and he pays me) and I believe he had forgotten or thought he did not have those backup there I have no clue (YES MY BOYFRIEND IS VERY DISPERSE LET ME TELL YOU, FOR MOST OF THE TIME, HE HAS NO IDEA WERE HE KEEPS THINGS, HE LOSES THINGS EASILY, YEAH YOU GET THE PICTURE RIGHT!) but I saw this girls name on a folder with literally 4 more folders inside ( with pictures of her, some pictures of the times they went out together, like 4 pictures of her in sexy lingerie ,( nothing too revealing), and screenshots of their conversations history on Facebook messenger.

    If you see the conversations you will see that he was literally throwing himself at her) this woman told him on various occasions, that she was heartbroken by her breakup plus finding out she was cheated on, so she did not want to date, neither play with him or hurt him, she was grieving and not ready, she wanted her space, nevertheless my boyfriend at that time kept on insisting that he was a great man, that he would respect her and love her deeply, that he loved her anyway this woman said, I don’t think you love me, Honestly I don’t think he loved her either (to me it’s called infatuation ). she even told him : “you have girlfriend problems”. and he replied :” I love your voice, your legs, your smile, your scent. ” you left your scent on my polo shirt and I could not stop smelling it, ”I think about you every minute of the day”  “I cant wait for a new day to come to see you again”, plus much more crazy stuff like calling her.


    I understand they had to see each other/interact, everyday for quite some months while he was working on that project in this building she worked in ( she was the project manager and out of all the engineers working there he was like the lead that reported issues to her, what they had fix all that stuff) that”s why so much talk between them.

    It seems this man was really into this girl or at least obsessed about her, cause from the way he talked to me about her and all this collection of her photos ( including sexy pictures), conversations and some pictures of them BOTH.

    Another thing I find very STRANGE is that he ALSO took 2 other girls he went out with after this girl to the building she works in he also took me there (5 times).

    The other part that caught my eye and I cant quite understand is, why in the world did this woman go out with him a couples of times  ( like at least 7-8 times) to eat, to hang out, etc, I mean if she was so heartbroken, why did she accept to go out with him in the first place ( this is I how I feel :” If I am not interested in a man, I would not dedicate a second of my life entertaining him at all.

    So what should I do, now that Pandoras box has opened? I don’t really know, maybe he forgot he has those folders, but I don’t know what to think or do? I don’t want to make it seem like I am obsessed about this, He began mentioning her, I got entangled in all of this (cause I recognize and admit that I did not put him in his place with all this mentionitis about this woman).

    What do you honestly think about all of this? Thoughts please.

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by shoshana.

    Its not about what we think really is it?

    Relationships are complicated, each one is individual and different and works  or doesnt because of the people involved in it.

    What you have to decide is if you trust him , love him, and can carry on in a relationship with a man who seems to become entangled in women very easily.

    If you can then thats all that matters, but if these newly discovered photos are a deal breaker then its time to be honest and move on.


    The thing is to be honest with yourself first and honest with him.. Tell him youve seen the photos and ask him straight out. Maybe he had forgotten them or maybe he cant bear to part with this last thread of connection to these women.

    But you need to go through this with him. After all its your relationship..

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by cassandra.

    This man is a player. He loves women: but not one specifically. He enjoys playing around and taking photos. He uses women: perhaps he is using you too. You’re not caught up in a wonderful love affair: you’re caught up in the games of a man who plays a lot of games. I know he’s sexy and attractive and cute: but it sounds like he doesn’t love you as a true love. He may be a good lover: but he doesn’t love you the way you want.

    I don’t know why some men [even women, sometimes] play such games, but they do. The fact is, you’re not going to be his true love: he won’t give up his affairs for you. You ARE being used. Whether or not you accept that and stay with him I don’t know. But it does sound a little like you’re deluding yourself about his true nature and what he feels for you. Because men and women do see sex differently to each other. BUT that doesn’t mean all men cheat or that all men are players. And I think you are partly with him for the excitement and the adventure [for lack of a better word]. But you are also stressed out and don’t know north from west. I think your relationship with him is not serious to him. I wouldn’t stay in such a relationship myself.


    I’m not telling you what to do, but if that painful shoe were on my foot, I wouldn’t waste any more of my youth on this man.  You’re too young to suffer his midlife crises (yes, plural).


    There are people who thrive on drama. There are many like characters on the Jeremy Kyle show in the world. Personally, I could not put up with such games. I’d go mental. The man IS a player: he just wants to have fun. I write this because it is true. In a relationship I need a loyal, kind and generous man: not some guy who sleeps around and lies to me. I don’t get the attraction at all.

    I hope the poster finds the self respect she needs. Because she is still young and will grow and move on from guys like that. Young people are as they are. I do know a lot of people in their 20’s feel old, but – believe me – they are not. 40 or 50 is old: not 20. She has her whole life ahead of her and will meet many desirable blokes. It could be a phase. In a way, I hope it is: for her sake.

    But you live: you learn.

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