April 16, 2018 at 9:15 am #170637
Hi Ladies, I’m new here. Feel like I need to get things off my chest without getting family opinions etc. involved..
Soo.. I’m in a long term relationship with my fiancé (6 years.. longest for both of us) and we have two kids together under 5. He is a little bit older than me but we seem to work together well most of the time. We’ve never had major issues, no big dramas to report. But… here comes the but….
Last year my nana who I am very close with passed away due to illness, so we had a little bit of warning. It was a really hard year. I’m not close with my dad (whole other issue) but this was his mother and I loved her dearly. She felt more like my second parent. Anyway, this bought up a lot of feelings about my boyfriend who was killed in a car accident 10 years ago, obviously unexpectedly. That experience was very traumatic and definitely shaped me partly into who I am today (which most of my family and friends would say is very friendly, bubbly, warm etc.). So this time last year had me very emoitional, vulnerable and I ended up pushing my partner away big time. I guess I was questioning the meaning of life and how precious it is. I should also add that losing a boyfriend so unexpectedly when we were so inlove, has always left me wondering “what if” and comparing others to him. Counselors have told me that it’s like he has the trophy, and no one will ever compare and that somehow I need to stop thinking of him.
So I was pretty horrible to my partner, just pushing him away and pretty much saying I’m not so many words, that I wasn’t sure we were suited.. I won’t go in to the long list of why not. But fast forward a few months to Christmas, and things were looking up. I started to remember all the reasons I love my partner and was able to start putting the grief behind me.
2018 was looking to be a promising year.. H2B has recently accepted a new role and will be traveling for work quite a lot, and this is where I’m confused.. I’m actually looking forward to him going and can’t wait to have the house and kids to myself. I find myself nit-picking at little things, and often thinking of how he is not like my deceased boyfriend. We were actively planning a wedding but that got out on the back burner while he went to interview in other cities for this new job. I don’t really have a desire to keep planning it. The new job allows us to move cities and be closer to his family. So now I feel pressure of whether we stay or go. I feel so confused about how I am feeling because I don’t know how to differentiate between what are normal feelings in a long term relationship, and what are genuine compatibility issues or qualities in a partner that I feel are lacking.
Help me ladies.. how do you know if you are genuinely unhappy in a relationship, or if it’s just part of the ebb and flow??
And if you’ve made it this far – thank you for hearing me out xxx