June 11, 2018 at 5:44 pm #193756
Ok so this is going to be a long-y so apologies in advance.
I’ve been with my partner for three years, he was my first proper relationship so I fell hard fast and over looked some things which normally would bother me.we
Moved in together straight away and got very serious very fast.
Over the last few months I’ve started pushing back more and being open about how I feel about things where I usually would have said nothing
We have not been getting on very well and have been arguing a lot more.probable because I’m not willing to be a push over and am voicing my opinion.
I love him and we really are so compatible in ways but he always says things like I can’t wait to see what you look like when you get down to your goal weight / when you loose all the weight. He also is very quick to pass remarks on what I wear and it really gets me down.(was wearing a dress one night and he was like that’s ridiculous it’s nice but when you get to your goal weight)
I have told him all this and he says it’s better for him to be honest with me.
So a few weeks ago I was very close to walking out after finding he had googled my girlfriend has gotten fat what should i do..
I was absolutely devastated and cried my eyes out as I have put on a lot of weight and am really not comfortable in myself(not to mention he does not want to anything with me anymore sexually..)
(Tmi here but he literally watches porno when I do stuff for him which just makes me feel like shit)
He begged me to stay and said he was googling something else and came across that topic on a forum.
Since then I have been dissecting the whole relationship and being like ********** this i deserve to be loved exactly as I am (despite the fact that yes I want to lose the weight anyway)
I’ve been really down over the last few months and realise that I have nothing outside of work and the relationship and I guess this is why I always made sure it worked but don’t get me wrong I do adore him and we do have some great times
anyway we got into another silly argument and he went to work so I had a look on his laptop and turned into the type of person I hoped I would never be.
He had pictures of women he had down loaded from people’s Facebook pages. PG but sexy poses they were downloaded years ago but why does he still have them?
One album was of his friends girlfriend.. and one album was downloaded last year.
I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m afraid to throw it all away because as i said i really do love him, but I want the fairy tale I want to be wanted as I am and not when I’ve lost 20lbs..
Sorry this is such a lot.. I have noone to talk to about this so I’m driving myself insane
Any advice would be appreciated.
I know that no relationship is perfect and although I love him I don’t know what to think any more.
If he doesn’t want me at my worst he doesn’t deserve me at my best and all that .. and to add to that he has gained the same amount of weight but I have never been negative to him about this and never wouldJune 12, 2018 at 7:31 am #193808
Its sad but it sounds like things happened far too quickly and you moved in together without really knowing each other. Now things are going downhill at an accelerating rate. I think that if you cannot talk sensibly about things, or come to a positive understanding, there is no future with him. It’s about trust and understanding. Whether you stay or go though, you need a life and interests outside of work and home. Take up a hobby which takes you out and meeting other people. Even if it is only to get fit and trim. It will help you out of the depression so that you can better see a way forward. As for throwing it all away, it is an experience to be remembered and acted upon, not thrown away. Another thing to remember is that fairy tales happen in moments and real life has many such moments but lots of harsh facts too.
1 member liked this post:June 12, 2018 at 1:34 pm #193824
I don’t think I would label an argument silly: it smacks [the argument] of a deeply unhappy relationship. The fact is, he’s critical, he’s putting you down, he wants you to be submissive in the relationship and do as he says. And when he doesn’t get his way, he pushes you both into an argument. There is stress, hassle, upset… the list goes on. Whoever he was before has now gone. You’re not throwing anything away: you are being fair to you both. If he wants a size zero girlfriend he can go find one somewhere else. You do put up a fight when he puts you down and insults you. The fact he’s never kind or complimentary shows a lot of his true colours I’m afraid. The man you loved is gone. You don’t have to put up with it anymore: you have legs to walk to the door and a car to drive. I’d use them.June 12, 2018 at 2:15 pm #193832
First there is a huge difference between being honest and being abusive, although sometimes it sounds the same. If he’s refusing to be intimate with you because of your weight he’s basically blackmailing your emotions, he’s withholding love. That is NOT ok. Until he can respect you, you need to move out if it’s his place or tell him to move out if it’s yours. You say you love him but he’s abusing you, emotionally. Don’t put up with that from anyone.
In part people teach others how to treat them. You have to set boundaries on how you’re willing to be treated.
1 member liked this post:June 13, 2018 at 8:10 am #193850
you need a time out from this abusive relationship to rethink your future. you deserve to be loved “as is” not as his “to be” expectations for you. body weight should have no bearing on sexual gratification. men do not go without sex. they find someone to satisfy them. good chance he is cheating on you if not jumping on you at all.
you need find someone who loves you for your whole self not just external physical appearance. you have personality and heart more important than just your body looks like play thing. this relationship will get much worse as you age and hunt guys more difficult for you to capture.June 13, 2018 at 11:09 pm #193887
…yet another guy someone shouldn’t waste their youth on…
Bunny is right, you should be loved for who you are, not what you should be. We all could be better versions of ourselves…that’s what makes us human.
Get out while you have the chance. You don’t need that stress in your life.June 17, 2018 at 8:01 am #193935
Don’t let him get you down that isn’t fair. He should love you for the person he first met you’ve never changed! So what if you’ve gained weight if your uncomfortable in yourself then you do it for you. You don’t do it for him.
do what makes you happy not what makes him happy.
hope all works out for youJune 17, 2018 at 5:41 pm #193941
Thank you so much for the responses.
so I’ve made a few decisions..
firstly, I owe him money so that is my priority for the next while,paying him back, then I’m out- I had been over and back thinking what If but I can’t go on like this we need to split up.
secondly I’m orgnsing counseling for myself as there are underlying issues I need to deal with which won’t magically fix themselves.
Thirdly for the last two weeks I’ve been exercising and watching what I’m eating and mentally I feel a lot better, it’s frustraitng as he is still being a pain in the ass about my lifestyle but then turns around and says he is proud of me.. I’m doing this for me, not him.
its reassuring to read all of these because I was really second guessing myself, when I almost walked out a few weeks ago he told me it was a total emotional and rash decision on my part and had me fully convinced of this.
my last post was pretty lame talking about the fairy tale etc my issue is that I don’t know that I will find some one so compatible but I need to put myself first and focus on me.
I am in a shitty situation as my family live a few hours away and have no friends in the city I am in so I am really quite isolated
i am going to discuss with my family the possibility of me moving back home for a couple of months while I plan my next move. Not really ideal for someone who is pushing 30 and is meant to have things figured out but I think it’s my only option.
anyway agin thank you ladies😘June 20, 2018 at 2:41 pm #194013
I wish you all the best, Michelemcdb. I think you’ll be fine once you’re back home with your family. I think [from afar] it does seem an emotionally abusive relationship. You’ll be much happier when you move back home. Once someone pressures you like that and watches porn instead of being with their partner, that is wrong. No wonder you felt like sh*t. He should’ve loved you no matter your size.
Trust me: he’s lost out on you.
1 member liked this post:June 20, 2018 at 7:50 pm #194032
I think your partner is very immature and it sounds like you should part, who knows the next guy could be your soulmate.