March 29, 2020 at 9:02 pm #209303
Good evening ladies!
To start off, I am a 20 something yr old mother who’s married. I’ve had this same friend for 12 years now but as of lately, I’ve seriously been debating the idea of stopping the friendship. Here’s why—- even tho we’re “grown”, she’s still very immature, we did grow up rough & around abuse but she hasn’t matured much at all since and so it makes it difficult to deal with her but I try to be patient and forgiving of her. It’s a bunch of little things that add up.. she thinks I try to embarrass/humiliate her when I assert myself, she has a habit of asking very private questions and gets upset/twists it on me if I want boundaries, if I say I don’t want to talk about something she’ll say “ok but why?” repeatedly to trick me into a “discussion/debate” I want no part of. She’ll literally bait me into an argument she calls “a regular discussion” & of course I’m upset at myself for 1. Answering her intrusive question after I didn’t want to, 2. Getting annoyed/showing it cause she’ll use it against me that I’m getting flustered even a tiny bit and 3. That I put up with this for so long & don’t assert myself even more. She’s also super critical of others & very superficial to the point to where it’s shallow & isn’t much of a nice person by what she says. I try not to judge her, & brush it off/ignore it but in the back of my head, it unsettles me because what someone says reveals what’s in their heart about others & I normally don’t like people like that/wonder if she talks about me like that. I’ve always accepted my friend for her pesky little traits cause no friend is perfect but I’m just now noticing a lot for some reason. And also that at my age that she’s pretty jealous of me. No, I’m not a female who throws that phrase around but she still brings up how all throughout our childhood/teen years she was “the ugly one” & how boys liked me. And gets irritated if her family or men she knows compliments me. She doesn’t seem to respect my marriage because just a few weeks ago asks me if I was “single” knowing that my spouse and I are going through a painful separation & still want to be together. Of course I feel bad for her when she says those things about herself because she must be dealing with a lot internally but it also makes me feel uneasy as I’ve been there before with previous friend(s) who turned out to be a nightmare. Honestly, I’m also about to convert to a more structured religion with a stricter lifestyle than I already live & want to surround myself with similar people.
Im at that point in life where I’ve already been through enough & am tired of being in a relationship with someone out of guilt for hurting them if I want to leave. I just want a fresh start around better people.. Any advice, especially from any wise women out there?
Much Thanks XoxOMarch 30, 2020 at 12:21 am #209314
I wouldn’t flatter myself with saying I’m wise, but I am experienced. I can tell you it will do you no good to concern yourself with this friend who has her own problems to deal with. Your child, husband and your own mental health should be your first priority. I would be honest with your friend and let it go at that. I would wish your friend the best of luck in getting herself straightened out and surround yourself with people who are supportive and can bring joy to your life.March 30, 2020 at 2:32 am #209317
Thank you Butterfield8, you sound wise.March 30, 2020 at 8:44 am #209333
I wish I had had someone to ask about a friend of mine who I knew a long time ago.
After I married she seemed ok and she genuinely seemed to adore my children. Then when I moved to the Netherlands from England she came over every year. At first it was nice, I felt happy that she came to see me, had fun with the children etc but as time when on she seemed bitter she expected me to run round after her and wait on her hand and foot and she got really mean with my husband.
She also had some bad habits in her personal (private ) life that worried my husband a lot. She drank a lot ran round after bands and spent time with married men.
So although I kept in touch I avoided going out with her or spending social time with her. Since she married herself she has hardly been in touch at all and I have just let her slip away. But looking back I think I should have done it earlier because she was quite toxic.
I also had her asking personal questions.. She once asked if my husband and I were still intimate, I said yes and she asked how I could cope seeing the same old face looking back at me on the pillow each morning and suggested that it was fun to wake up to someone new. This is absolutley not acceptable and I told her so but she was trying to cause trouble or doubt in my relationship.
If you are entering a new religious way of life be careful , her behaviour could get you in trouble with your elders or leaders. If her behaviour is not what they expect you will be tarred with the same brush..
This will also put your husband in a bad light.
I would distance myself from her, dont be angry or disrepectful but explain that you have a new life and you need to concentrate on raising your family and settleing into your new way of life.March 30, 2020 at 3:22 pm #209367
My advice is simple: your “friend” is toxic. She is jealous, immature, unaware of personal space [because she asks you too personal details]. She is also nasty and deeply unpleasant. That is a no-brainer for me. Get her out of your life. You don’t need the hassle or stress of such a person in your life.
Also, she is a big girl and will get over the friendship breakup. Don’t stay around out of fear of hurting her.
You know what to do.March 30, 2020 at 5:58 pm #209379
She’s asked me the same question before… I’m annoyed with myself that I tolerated this for so long but I’m glad I see it now. Thanks for your story and advice.March 30, 2020 at 6:00 pm #209383
You’re right, KitKatKitty. She’ll be fine, I gotta focus on my marriage & baby.April 1, 2020 at 7:35 am #209464
I know things are rarely black and white, Sutt89, but I hope you can end the friendship without too much hardship. I know it hurts and you feel guilty about hurting her feelings, but you’re just prolonging the agony if you leave things as they are. And I also know it is easy for me to say what I said in my previous post, but that is how I saw the situation. I think if you’re deeply unhappy with her being your friend, you do need to end the friendship. From what I can gather, she caused a lot of problems for you.
I hope you’re able to make that break: as hard as that is. Also, do keep us informed. I certainly won’t judge you or anyone else for that matter. I can understand the complexities of friendships and relationships.April 1, 2020 at 8:11 am #209470
It is always hard to end a long time friendship, I get just as upset as my friend would be and usually just remember the good times when we had fun. However a tipping point does come sometimes and you have to do it and end things.April 2, 2020 at 12:53 am #209514
You both are right.April 2, 2020 at 12:55 am #209516
Like it was previously said by someone, I have to do what’s best for my mental health and focus on my family. I won’t tolerate anybody like this in my life anymore. Thanks.April 2, 2020 at 9:56 am #209531
I agree just draw a line under it and move on.April 3, 2020 at 10:20 am #209570
You must always do what is best for you and your mental health. It is hard to cut ties with someone – especially when you’ve known them for so long – but people change: and not always for the better. The friend that was is no longer. It is hard, I know, but you will move on from this.
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