Friendship advice

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  rabbithabit 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #201604

    Would appreciate some advice as I am feeling a little bit confused.  I will try to keep it simple.

    I have known my very good friend for over twelve years and we have never had any problems.

    I decided to introduce a family member into our circle of friends, but I have fallen out with this person and can’t see that we will ever speak.  One other friend has formed a friendship with this family member and I know it’s going to get awkward when future social events are planned.  I do not want to see this person but she has decided to invite the group of friends to social events, including my very good friend.

    Am I being unreasonable to expect my good friend not to go knowing that it would upset me greatly?  I know I would never do anything to upset her, so if I were in her shoes I wouldn’t even question it, in other words I would not go.

    I can now see that the group will split up and maybe take sides which is not good.

    Thank you for your advice.

    #201606

    The argument you have is between you and your family member. Your other friends have no reason to ignore this person.

    Time for you to accept that you do not have the right to dictate who your friends do or dont speak to. Once we leave the playground we have to leave that sort of behaviour behind.

    You might not like it but its her choice..

    1 member liked this post:
    #201608

    I could have not said it better than Cassandra.  I would also add this…

    Stay silent about your falling out, and don’t say bad things about your family member in the hopes of edging her out, even if she tries to paint you in a bad light.  That sort of behavior says more about the complainer than it does about the other.  Take the high road.

    #201611

    I feel it really has a lot to do with what you fought with your family member about.  If it’s something really serious where she hurt you deeply, like for example if she sabotaged your situation at work or she slept with your husband or something, then I feel in your place I’d be disappointed if my friend didn’t show support for me, and I’d be really hurt if she continued a friendship with someone who caused me harm.

    But if you and your family member just don’t see eye to eye on something that you can’t get along with her anymore, then I don’t feel it’s right to expect your friend to have the same feelings as you about everything, and she can make up her own mind if she can get along with them or not.  It’d be like if you imagine another friend of yours asked you not to be friends with this friend you mention, because “she doesn’t get along with her” or something.

    #201619

    I think it depends how deep is their friendship. If they have seen each other just a couple of time, then I would be upset too.

    If they’ve known each other for a while, then it becomes a bit more complicated because their relationship would already be independent from you.

    Honestly I don’t know if I am a good example because once one of my very old friend continued to talk to someone who was really mean to me (they barely knew each other, and she agreed that the person was mean to me, be still would go and see her…), and I felt so betrayed that I just stopped talking to her, lol. Sometimes people don’t want to get as involved as you in a friendship and that’s ok – they have other priorities and you should not take it personally 🙂

    However, follow the piece of advice from TestDummyCO: never complain about your family member to you friend: it has no class plus it will tell more about you than about her.

    #201632

    Things have been well put by everyone, but there is also a saying. You can change your friends but you cannot change your family. I know sometimes it may be impossible but mostly not. You really need to get together and sort yourselves out otherwise both your lives will be poisoned.

    #201636

    I agree with cassandra.

    But I feel your pain, too: you obviously have a wonderful friendship and the idea of said friend getting to know your “enemy” [for lack of a better word] is heartbreaking and worrying. The risk of losing such a valuable friendship to your enemy would be extremely upsetting for you. In fact, I’d think the same as you, in not wanting my best friend getting to know my enemy. Of course, this is not the playground but feelings are going to get hurt. Adult relationships are certainly more complicated than simple rivalry or the suchlike.

    I’d not complain about your enemy to your friend, but you can share your feelings about it with her. You don’t have to divulge everything but you can have a heart-to-heart. Be honest with yourself, too. Don’t deny how you’re feeling to yourself and just be fair and open minded with everyone. Then you won’t look the bitter one.

    I do hope I’ve helped. It is a tough situation, I know.

    #201831

    I agree with what the others have said. I feel whatever the issue between you and your family member is that is the issue that needs attention. Your friend is secondary here and should remain your friend. Friends of 12 years are rare. I myself only really have 2 close friends and I wouldn’t want to shake that up in any way with another issue that you are having with a family member. Either resolve the issue with the family member or keep the two separate.

    #201847

    I think it unreasonable to expect your friends to join forces with you against someone you don’t like. you should just tell your friends that you will not go because you don’t like a family member that will be there. let them decide thier participation in light of your plans.

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