September 12, 2018 at 11:51 am #196384
Hi everyone, Thank you for allowing me to join this forum. I am looking for unbiased advice about what to do in a situation that has now came to a head. I will try and give you a bit of background information as condensed as possible.
My best friend and I have drifted apart, and I have accepted this now but I don’t know what to do in this latest situation. When she moved back to our home town I felt the void begin to grow then. I would always initiate contact by text (I am not a phone person) and I would barely get replies or they would be quite dry. I put it down to she was busy with life as are we all. But when I went to visit (which was more times than she reciprocated) she never had the phone out her hand.
Lead up to my wedding I barely heard from her. She barely said much to me on the wedding as surprise surprise she was on her phone. My other friend on the lead up to the wedding told me that she had been ‘bitching as I had not made my mind up whether I was inviting everyone to the whole day (trying to keep costs down).
Anyway after wedding I decided to stop putting in the effort and just let things go without it being a big show. (I’m in my 30s and have ill health going on so cant be bothered with drama). She had contacted me and said that she was going to come and visit while she was on holiday. I was really happy with this and was hoping it would be a chance for me to have a discussion with her face to face without any one else being there. So the Saturday before she was due to come up I sent a text with a suggestion of what we could do with her and her daughter. She replied saying she would not be able to make it as she cant afford it. Later that day my daughter showed me a facebook post where she had went to visit the mutual friend who lived pretty close to me, and not once had they invitied me or even mentioned it.
Then month or so later I hear from another friend that she has announced her engagement on facebook. I am barely on facebook as I am not that keen on it. But hurt was an understatement. We had shared many things throughout our friendship, break ups, being single parents, new relationships etc etc. So the fact she did not call and I found out 2nd hand hurt like hell. I am truly happy for her and her daughter as they deserve happiness. I commented on her post congratulating her, but I have not reached out on a personal level. I know she has mentioned it to a mutual friend that I have not messaged her, but hey I’ve still not heard from her, and I am still annoyed at her dumping me for going to the other friends after saying she did not have the money.
There is a lot more to it throughout the years but its far to long to go into. Like I said I am going through blood tests to establish why my health is so ill so I really do not have the energy to fight or make a big deal about this and just let it all go. Do you think I am doing the right thing or am I being unreasonable?September 12, 2018 at 2:20 pm #196392
Hi HappyT, and welcome to our Female Forum. 🙂
I’m really so sorry about what you’ve gone through with your old friend, I’ve had similar experiences myself and it’s so heartbreaking. I feel it’s really difficult when you sort of just drift away like what’s happened to you and your friend.
I’ve lost contact with almost everyone I was ever friends with, and I’ve cried a bit sometimes thinking about it. I had some friends I thought I was really close with and I’d try to keep in touch after I moved away, and I’d write long heart-felt emails and I’d just get a one sentence answer back from her, something like “Wonderful to hear!” or something, and after a few I just stopped writing. My heart sank into my stomach, it’s such a horrible feeling, isn’t it?
I’ve had to learn one-way relationships just aren’t worth it, and very sadly people change. I’ve chased friendships like you have all my life, and it’s always gone poorly for me. I don’t know what it is about my personality that people don’t really want to be friends with me, I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, I feel like I really give a lot of my heart and effort, but I guess I’m just not interesting enough or something, you know?
I used to really try reaching out to my friends, and trying to invite them to do things with me, or to even just come over and I’d treat them, but I’d have to work so hard and I’d get disappointed over and over again. I’d have situations like you’ve had, where a “friend” of mine told me she’s too busy or financially challenged to do something, and then I’d find out she’d done something else with another friend instead, and I know just how crushing that must feel for you. I always felt like I’m a “plan b friend”, you know what I mean? Like I’m that girl who you only want to do something with if you can’t find anyone else to make plans with, right?
Even my own sister has been like that with me, I barely had any contact with her for years, I’ve only really gotten closer to her after her children were born, and I’ve grown close with all three of my nieces. Luckily for me they all absolutely adore me and love spending time with me, so I’m very thankful for having them in my life, but they’re all children. I only hope I can keep a good relationship with them as they grow up.
It’s weird how like no one’s ever mean to me, I don’t feel my personality is abrasive or anything, I never say or do anything mean or nasty and I almost never have fights with people, but I feel like I just must be so incredibly boring and dull, right? Your story sounds like your friend is similar, she hasn’t expressed anger with you, she’s just moving on with her life and she doesn’t seem interested in you being a part of it any more.
I’m really sorry for my rambling post, your message just really resonated with me and my own experiences, and after I’ve had so much pain my only advice would be to not waste your energy on someone who clearly doesn’t respect you any more, but only try to have positive people in your life who actually care about you and want to be with you, my experience with one-way friendships never went well.
But you may not want to listen to me, I’m a 35 year-old woman who lives by herself and pretty much has no real friends, and spends most of her time alone at home with her cat, lol.
Please take care, I hope everything works out for you.September 12, 2018 at 2:29 pm #196396
Thank you for taking time to reply to my post. I am happy to listen to anyone, especially someone who has had similar experience.
And I lived by myself (although I had my child) for a very long time and trust me there are positives to living by yourself but I also know it can be very lonely at times.
I would like to think I am not abrasive as a person. I honestly think my fault is that I care too much and hey if I am always about waiting for my friends to call then why would they make the effort if they know I will welcome them back with open arms the minute they find a use for me again.
But I am not that person anymore as like you I have been burnt so many times by always letting issues slide and acting like things are ok.
So do you think I am not being unreasonable by not personally getting in touch to congratulate her on her news? See that nice side of me is so hard to get rid off lol, but whenever I go to do the gesture I remind myself of her treatment of me in the past year and I get angry and hurt and decide why bother.
Again thank you Mamie.September 12, 2018 at 2:59 pm #196398
I know what you mean about how you feel about guilt for not reaching out to her personally, I can totally relate to you, it’s funny I feel like you and I have a very similar approach in our personality to our friendships.
I don’t feel you’d need to congratulate her in person, I know I must sound just awful for saying so, but I feel she’s abandoned you in your friendship, and she doesn’t have any reason to expect you to keep putting in your full effort when she’s not bothering to reciprocate at all. I feel her behavior is almost abusive, and I’ve had my fair share of those types of relationships so maybe I’m just a little bit bitter? If so I’m deeply sorry, I just feel that when you keep giving to someone who’s only taking from you, he or she will just keep doing so for all of your life, you know?
I feel it’s fair to eventually stop giving everything you have to someone when he or she is obviously not interested in giving anything back. I’d always be there for my friend if she ever wanted a relationship with me, but I feel to be healthy it needs to be equitable.September 12, 2018 at 5:30 pm #196405
Thank you Mamie, I feel a lot better and not so guilty now after chatting.September 13, 2018 at 7:04 am #196408
Sorry about coming into this so late. I’m glad that Mamie was able to help you feel less guilty about letting that friend go.
I’m in that same boat as well. I was born an Army brat, and lived that life until I was 21. I’ve lost more friends than I can count. When I was younger, I was heartbroken when my friends or I moved. Back then, I lost friends due to circumstance. Now, the loss is devastating due to the fact that moving is now out of the picture.
There’s only so much one can do. When I realize that I’m the only one showing concern about the other’s well-being, I stop calling. Mind you, I don’t call that often; but, the phone does work both ways.September 13, 2018 at 8:00 am #196410
I cannot better what has been said here except to say that as life has taught me, circumstances change, and people change. The problem comes in making the decision that it’s time to move on. It’s always hard and hurts me to think.September 13, 2018 at 2:37 pm #196415
I too have been in this postition, someone I went to school with and stayed in touch with for over 30 years. My children called her auntie and she came here on holiday (free) every year. I went to her wedding 4 years ago even though it meant me travelling abroad to do so. But she has gradually forgotten me since she married and the final straw was last month when my daughter got married when she didnt even say congratulations via social media (her sister did) let alone send a card or phone me.
Ive drawn a line under our friendship and filed it as a nice memory but nothing more.September 13, 2018 at 3:22 pm #196418
Thank you to you all for replying.
I just dont get why someone you give a lot of yourself too can just cut you out. It really feels like a knife to the heart.September 13, 2018 at 3:33 pm #196423
I fear narcissism, sadly. 🙁 I’ve known too many people in my life, all they want is to use you for themselves, and are only interested in you when he or she’s getting something, but won’t put themselves out for you when you need them, and don’t really care about your needs as a person. I feel like it’s getting worse and worse, you know?September 13, 2018 at 6:26 pm #196437
I think Mamie if your like me, a caring generous person we are prime targets for narcisistic people 😔.
Its maybe not getting worse but we are just more aware.
Maybe keeping people at arms length is the best way forward.
I know i am done with being hurt by friends from now on I will protect my heart from those people.September 13, 2018 at 7:27 pm #196443
Oh yes, I totally think so, people like you and myself must look like an absolutely irresistible feast for those people, right? I also know what you mean about becoming more aware, I’ve only really starting noticing how toxic people affect me negatively. I normally don’t like to think that way about people, which probably contributed to why I’ve been taken advantage of so many times.
I’m glad you’re realizing what’s going on. And still better having a narcissistic friend than a narcissistic boyfriend. 🙂September 16, 2018 at 11:02 am #196483
I’ve had this happen to me, too. But I am trying to change the tide. My best friend, Vicky, stays in touch. She came to where I live in the week and next week I’ll be visiting her. I do NOT want to lose contact. She is such a lovely person and I plan on keeping in contact with her for many years. BUT I know what you’re saying: people do change and move on. It is heartbreaking, though: I know the feeling. Still, I treasure those many friendships with no regrets. But it is sad. Still, the best anyone can do is move on and try to change the tide in future friendships.September 16, 2018 at 11:17 am #196487
@mamie oh I have had a Narcissistic boyfriend and he changed me big time but i would like to say for the better as after him i realised what i did NOT want in a man. And now i am happily married with a man who respects me and he is still out sleeping with anyone who will give him the time of day, impregnating yet another woman who he is also cheating on.
I just think i find that lesson harder to learn with a friend lol. Its due to me always putting a lot of respect onto friendship. But slowly that lesson us sinking in.
Kitkatkitty it sounds like you have a good friend their and long may it continue. Cherish her being in your life.
I still have a school friend i am pretty close too and have got closer to again over the years. So i am still blessed to have her.September 16, 2018 at 8:19 pm #196495
I know what you mean, about putting a lot of respect into relationships and then how difficult it is when your feelings aren’t reciprocated. I think maybe I struggle more in my relationships with men, I find it more difficult standing up for myself to a man than I do with women. With other women I still struggle a lot moving friendship from casual friendliness to something more, you know?
I’m glad you learned so much from your ex and you’re in a happy marriage now. 🙂 I gave over nine years of my life to my creep.