hey! looking for friendship/ grieving advice

Female Forum Forums Getting Started Introductions hey! looking for friendship/ grieving advice

This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  KitKatKitty 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #219184

    Hi All,

    I just would like advice from anyone who’s been in this position before, I feel deeply hurt but my best friend doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore.

    I noticed a change through no fault of my own over the past two years, she moved away to a different town and became fairly distant.  I tried so hard to keep the friendship we had, we’ve been best friends for 17 years, but unfortunately lately I’ve had a lot of stuff happen to me, I was assaulted by a random person during lockdown, my sister was going through a serious domestic court case and then my friend tragically passed away all in the space of 5 months. I needed her support and she wasn’t really there for me at all, she lost her mum over a year and a half ago and I know shes been struggling because of that- so I never said anything as I know she was struggling too (I also lost my mum a few years ago and my brother within the space of a year) so I know the pain but I supported heer so much through it and also never forgot her mums anniversary and sent flowers to her house etc and even had a necklace made of a picture of her and her mum.  I gave her all these allowances of not caring because of that. Recently it has got worse and worse and I decided to confront her nicely by saying that I never wanted to bring anything up but now its been nearly two years of the same behaviour I just wanted to know why she doesn’t really care anymore. Instead of replying like an adult I got attacked basically saying that ive made her feel awful and its for no reason etc and she said she needed space and didn’t want to talk and couldn’t be there for me. I tried again to reach out today after a month of no talking I ended my messages that i understood and that i loved her. I tried again today and I said that life is too short and I really want to try and fix the friendship and I basically got paragraphs of messages saying that she basically didn’t want to, I decided to respect her wishes and after reading advice online to delete from social media etc that’s what I did. I just feel extremely hurt because I literally put her on a pedestal, I would do anything for her and the fact shes cut me off just like that is so hard. She said from her side the friendship has changed and its out of her control etc. I just feel absolutely broken, the last thing I wanted was to lose a friend but I had to confront her as some of her behaviour was so awful, for example when I was attacked the week later I was supposed to go see her in her town but I was so shaken I was scared to travel there and instead she just went out with another friend instead and replaced me whereas I would have offered to see her in her town, she could have come to me. Looking at our friendship now I realised I was just trying to save it the whole time and she doesn’t care like I do. I’m just hoping someone else has been in this position and how to recover from this, I treated her like a sister – we even share the same birthday and last year I completely left my bday to the side and I went down to see her and took her out all day for food and drinks and decorated the restaurant etc . I think im really struggling because I couldn’t even be a better friend if I tried and its just not enough and she doesn’t care anymore, she was my bridesmaid and didn’t even get me a wedding card, but all of that stuff didn’t matter to me still because I just wanted everything to be ok. Anyway if anyone has any advice to move on healthily through this it would be appreciated as its effecting me everyday

    #219186

    It’s always sad when a friendship ends weather it’s suddenly bitterly like this or if you simply drift apart.

    the main thing is to concentrate on the good times, the fact you’ve had this friendship for 17 years you’ve had this person to confide in, you’ve had each other for support ..be thankful for that but put it behind you.

    Don’t focus on the bad stuff or the way its ended just look at it as the passing of a chapter.

    Now is the time to focus on yourself to sort out where you are in your life, you’ve had quite enough to deal with and you really don’t need to worry about this person now after all she isn’t worrying about you.

    Although the lady’s on this forum cannot be there for you physically they are all very caring and very loving ladies and I’m sure they will be able to offer support help advice or just an ear to listen if you need to rant.

     

    3 users liked this post:
    #219200

    I’ve been through the same thing.  I was friends with her and her partner.  They started becoming really flaky after 10 years.  For example, her partner practically begged me to take her to a concert when I was concerned about buying two tickets, only to end up going alone.  (My ex was a flake as well.)  When the time came, they wouldn’t answer their phone.  Not long after, I divorced my husband and became unemployed within two years.  The final straw was when she had asked me to “donate” my old clothes to her mom (vs. the ARC) so she could sell them at one of her garage sales.  I had 13 bags of clothes!!!!   When I called them about picking up the clothes, they never answered the phone.  It was truly the loneliest time in my life.  My dogs got me through it.

    You will eventually get over it, as I have.   It’s hard to go through something like that, but you’ll make new friends…I guarantee it.

    #219229

    I had a similar friendship. Someone who I had known since being a teenager. In retrospect I think we went our separate ways although it just seemed that there was no real reason. I found that it does take time to get over any relationship, and one so close is really difficult. Talking to people is good. Steadily recover and rebuild your life. You will  never forget but it will fade into the past. Don’t dwell on the bad times, remember the good and look forward to new experiences.

    1 member liked this post:
    #219277

    I’ve been through two friendship breakups. One was because I moved to a different town, in a different county. We stayed in touch for a good 3 to 4 years, but I think Sally just moved on with her life. But we had a bond time cannot sever. My other friend was my best friend in secondary school. But after graduation, she also moved on. There was no major clash or argument with either friend, but – again – they just moved on with their lives.

    Now I have 3 best friends. One is Nick: having a male best friend is wonderful. After losing Michael to dementia, Nick has been my rock in a storm. I have two other close friends: Vicky and Frances. I shall never lose contact with them: I have vowed to keep them my friends for the rest of my life. Even if I move away.

    I write this because after allowing two friends to drift away, I make super-effort to keep those in my life. I know this is not possible for your old friendship, but do know you’re not to blame: your friend has her own issues and you have to realize if she doesn’t value your friendship, you’re best moving on and making friends with someone who will.

    Losing your friend is heartbreaking, but you have to treasure the time you did have. Such as I treasure the time I had with Michael. It is literally impossible to contact Michael and is extremely upsetting. But I am coping. The sorrow will never leave but time does march on and I will find others I have a deep bond with. As will you. Because you’ve got memories that will never fade.

    #219283

    I wouldn’t call it a breakup but my best friend since I was 11 the lady that my children called aunt starting getting really flaky about 15 years ago got when my son got married and she was still single.

    She was still lovely to me, she came and visited,  stayed at our house but she started being really really bad with my husband rude down to the point of hostile.

    In the end I stopped inviting her then she met a guy and they got married in 2014 and she surprisingly invited us to the wedding.

    After they got married I’ve hardly heard from them except one time they were in Amsterdam and she phoned me and said how great it would be if we could all meet up and have dinner etc etc so I said that’s great let me know when you’re coming up I’ll book a hotel for you ..she never got back to me on it and since about 2016 I haven’t heard a word from her.

    I could be bitter I could mourn our lost friendship instead I just look back at the good times that we had and accept that we have now both chosen different paths in life.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by  cassandra.
    #219561

    Perhaps she wasn’t worth the effort anymore, cassandra. The fact she cut ties with you wasn’t at all your fault. I guess you don’t blame yourself: and you’d be right not to. With me, I don’t want to cut ties with my friends. I may rather be in some days, but that doesn’t mean I am any less of a friend. I listen to and support my friends. I do also think it can be hard at times to build a bond. I know – as you know – I had a bond with Michael I’ve never been able to replicate. But I lost him to dementia, rather than because of cutting ties. Anyhow, there may be lots of people in the world, but you have to treasure a diamond when you see one.

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