October 9, 2020 at 10:07 pm #217878
I have been with my partner for 12 years now, I moved from my hometown 300 miles away from my 3 adult children with my 6 year old son, I was struggling financially and found my son spent all he’s time in breakfast clubs, after school clubs and then with he’s dad at weekends ( while I still worked to make ends meet) anyway I decided I needed to make changes so did a council exchange so I could afford the rent and pay bills whilst having a better family balance, my older children had already fled the nest…
It was incredibly hard moving away from my children to an area I knew nobody, but within 6 months I had found a job and life was nicer, I loved that family time with my 6 year old who I really felt distant towards being that I hardly saw him, within a year I met a wonderful man and we decided to make that further step and him move into my home…. Life was perfect, he paid the rent, I paid the bills and we saved for holidays together and together furnished our new home, He earned 3 times my salary but we shared everything… My life was then thrown a curve ball the day I was offered a promotion at work my boyfriend had a motorcycle accident, ( a 3 times drunk driver ) he was Paralyzed from the waist down and spent 7 months recovering in hospital, my council home we both loved and lived in for 7 years was no longer suitable for he’s needs, we all moved into a bungalow, again that was temporarily until we could find our forever home, life was so hard I had to give my job up and help at home, there were trips to physio, hospital appointments, medication to collect not to mention supporting my now 12 year old son, around this traumatic time my husbands mum was diagnosed with cancer and as we were already engaged we decided to get married so she could be apart of our special day, again it was a very stressful period but I coped… Luckily my husband was awarded compensation in the sum of 3 million pounds.. But this was then how life became harder, he purchased a 5 bedroom house nearer to he’s dad to be able to support him and that meant taking my son out of he’s school a year before he sat he’s last exams, We made the move and then my son found it hard having very little to do, he did however pass he’s exams gaining 7 high grade gcse.. and started college, my husband then started nagging him for the littlest things and as he had solely purchased the house in he’s name threatened him so many times to kick him out he eventually left 3 months ago, he is 18 in March and is now back with my family and he’s dad… I’m now more alone than ever, my husband has since purchased 4 other houses which includes a property in Spain, He also purchased my old council house which I had obviously been paying rent for and had been a council tenant for 30 years, that property he put in my name but then allowed he’s daughter to move in, she pays £300 a month.. I now have no home or furniture and no job or pension I’m paying in to, my family said I’m not a wife and an unpaid carer, But my husband has said he is the one paralysed so why should I benefit? And he bought my old house in case we divorce, He is now talking about he’s dad moving in to our home because he is 87 and frail… My whole life is now dedicated to him… Do you think my family are correct? I just want an outside opinion, please be kind, I have no friends and nobody now, and live in a village with very little happening..
DarceyOctober 10, 2020 at 9:10 am #217890
The question is how do you feel?
Im in a sort of similar situation. Im from the uk but we decided to move to the Netherlands 30 years ago, I have no family here and my children have now grown up and moved away. My husband had a heart attack in 2014 and then dementia was diagnosed.
Ive had to give up work and become his carer .
This is where the similarity ends. You see our house is in both names although he gets paid disability and I get a small carers allowence we have enough to be happy and are determined to live our lives together to the full.
Im happy to be the person to care for and help him through this time.
In your case you husband sounds bitter and thats understandable. But he is using his money as a sort of weapon. You benefit simply by being his wife, in UK law you have a right to a share in any capital or property either of you own.
You are the one who has to decide if you want to continue in this way , if couselling is the answer to help him deal with the aftermath of his accident and his new life or if you need to make a break, divorce him and make a new life for yourself.
Whatever you do , take time to think mabe have a chat with someone at citizens advice or a legal avice bureau ( you can do this on telephone or via mail if a visit is too difficult.) and make your decision based on what you feel is right for you.
Please feel free to ask here, or have a rant, a moan, or a cry if thats what you want to do, these ladies are all very helpful and supportive.October 10, 2020 at 9:42 am #217897
I cannot really add here except to say seek legal (and other) professional advice sooner rather than later. The compensation payment was to help him in life which includes supporting you as well as his carer. In work, over the years, I have come across all manner of reactions to a big payout. I personally think they get it wrong and should think more about a regular income for support, but that observation does not help you.
1 member liked this post:October 10, 2020 at 10:18 am #217905
Thankyou so much for replying and reaching out, The money has definitely changed him, when we both had salaries and jobs and rental accommodation everything seemed fine, I know it was my council tenancy but I also had the small child and in essence he moved into our lives, once the accident and the huge payout he changed he views, my sister and twin brother are angry and have said we had a 7 year old history together prior to the accident and this way of life now effects me too.. Being he’s sole carer I now cannot go anywhere without him, my adult daughter paid for a holiday for me to go in October for a week to spend time with my 5 year old grandson, my husband is angry and said I’m he’s wife and should be invited too, my sister also wanted to take a 3 week trip to South Africa to see my step sister that we have never met, my husband again said there’s no way I’m going when he needs me, He has told me I’m now lucky to be a home owner with my council house he daughter now lives in and said if we do get a divorce at any point he has put my life back to where we started, I’m really confused, I do feel that the position of wife is there when it suits him, but really in my heart I know I’m a lodger living in he’s house and cheaper than getting a carer, we do have a joint account that he has sole care of online, he then can see what I spend and then puts more money when needed, He states I’m lucky to now be retired at 52 .. I would love to still be at work, I was just promoted to an assistant manager role, My sister has no advised me to get a savings account and get a little job incase I am thrown out too like my son.. I just wanted to get some advice from women that have no emotional tie to me but just tell me how they see it .. I’m so happy I now have ladies to talk to I feel so alone xOctober 10, 2020 at 12:09 pm #217913
@darcey1968 we are nearly the same age as well, Im seeing a lot in your posts about what he says and what he wants but what about what you want?
He isnt here so go on tell us what would your not perfect but your normal life look like..
Normal would be my OH healthy and us planning for retirement with us selling this house getting a smaller place and buying a camper van so that we could spend lots of time exploring the world.
Real world is me looking after him day trips with the dogs and long walks in the countryside. shielding him from other people socially and helping him remain active and with as normal a life as is possible. Very few changes to routine so he doesnt get upset and no surprises.
I can cope with that and Ive accepted that as our new normal..
Can you really live with your new normal? With what your OH wants and with him controlling your every move and every penny you spend?October 10, 2020 at 1:15 pm #217918
I would most certainly advise you to seek legal advice. Your husband is most definitely not being fair. I do believe he is using money as a weapon.
I don’t have more to add to cassandra’s post: she has hit the nail on the head. I’d follow her advice. Also, you have every right to be happy: in spite of your husband’s injury. Don’t be a martyr. You’ve got your own life to lead, too and need to branch out and find that life where you’re living. Your life isn’t over: and – again – you have every right to live your life to the fullest. If your husband is not happy with that, then can you say you’re happy with him? What right does he have to steal your happiness? Yes, he has an injury, but if he loves you, he’ll want you to enjoy your life. Again, don’t be a martyr to his injury. AND he does have plenty of money to pay for carers when you’re away from home.October 10, 2020 at 1:24 pm #217924
It’s funny but that’s pretty much how I envisioned my life, I have always loved to travel and my idea was to move abroad once my youngest had also fled the nest, obviously that was sooner than I anticipated ( due to my husband kicking him out for catching him smoking in he’s house) I was not emotionally prepared for it and as my son put it before he packed he’s things and left ( you married him not me, and really he doesn’t want me around, he wants you not me) I remained because I now no longer have a house , no furniture and no savings, my expenditure is totally controlled and he also buys my clothes, then when he is annoyed about trivial things throws it all back in my face, and I just take all the abuse reminding myself how happy I once was…
I don’t travel much now to visit my children because he needs me around, I go to every appointment and everything he plans ( even sitting for 8 hours while he had tattoos done, or dental appointments than can take hours, he is not independent at all… We did have a full care team in place until he was awarded he’s compensation and then he sacked them all and I became the full time carer, I even do he’s physio and clip he’s toenails… I’m not trained to do any of it I worked in retail… He uses the award to buy rental homes and things that interest him, the rental properties he plans to will to he’s 4 grandchildren… I also discovered a few days ago he has been secretly recording our arguments ( for evidence he claims in case we ever separate) I was pretty much winded from that, I’m not a materialistic person I never have been I don’t ask anything of him… He has he’s family visit and stay at least 2 weekends a month and I cater for all of them too.. Always supportively… And now I have also found out he has purchased another home with a separate annexe for he’s dad to move in with us, so I can support him too… That’s 3 house moves in 4 years, I feel drained… It’s like he tells me to jump and I say how high… In a perfect world I would relocate to my hometown and be surrounded by my children and have my own independence and pride, but the reality is I know that will never happen, he will never help me leave and I don’t have the resources to leave, it’s a catch 22 … I have had heated arguments with him and pointed out that he is controlling and also how I feel regarding my future but he doesn’t care, he points out if I loved him I would accept what he is offering and if I don’t like it I can close the door on my way out… That’s the most upsetting part, I do love him but I hate how he now sees me… My siblings have spent 3 years telling me I’m a doormat and I have always pretended it’s ok… but deep down I know they are being truthful… My husband has alienated me from all that I loved.. He even has a bell he rings and I drop everything and go running not to cause drama… I’m happy I now have a platform to vent Thankyou so much, it’s comforting to know I have support … My life is just ebbing away … I honestly don’t even know how this even happened to me that I have become so controlled xxOctober 10, 2020 at 7:09 pm #217936
Alienating someone from their support system, be it friends or family, is one way for an abuser to assert control. Cassandra has given you wonderful advice, and I would follow it. I don’t know what kind of legal resources are available in the UK, as I’m in the US.
Here in Colorado Springs, we have a women’s rescue organization that provides shelter (if needed) and free legal services for abused spouses. You don’t have to be physically harmed to suffer from abuse. There’s verbal and emotional abuse as well, which is what’s happening in your case.
I agree that you’re entitled to half of all the marital assets. Again, I’m speaking as an American. Your financial situation is no different than one spouse who puts off their educational goals to financially support the other (even an entire family), working two or three jobs, while the other pursues a legal or medical degree, only to be dumped when the other starts earning a good income.October 11, 2020 at 6:55 am #217962
It does sound like pretty nasty abuse to me. Secretly recording arguments is, to me, a total infringement. I would re-iterate – seek professional advice as soon as you can. Things likely will only get worse. My opinion is that if he agreed to counselling, as you don’t get on well, things might improve but will only get worse otherwise as your relationship seems in a downward spiral.October 11, 2020 at 9:54 am #217971
Thankyou so much ladies for all the support, we did have counselling roughly a year after the accident, I had one to one counselling first so I could obtain professional support after the aftermath of the accident, I had around 4 appointments in the home but my husband stopped them because he didn’t like not knowing what was discussed, he said I’m not paying for you to have counselling when you don’t tell me what is said, ( I’m you husband if you have issues talk to me) I told the counsellor he wouldn’t pay her anymore and I didn’t have the funds to continue, it was then agreed we would have marriage counselling that lasted 5 appointments because he didn’t like the woman saying anything that supported me ( he said we were ganging up on him… I have found even now in discussions if I don’t agree on everything he says he says I’m arguing with him, so now I just agree to save drama in the home… I will try and source some legal advice, it won’t be easy leaving the house though unless it’s a day when I go shopping for food groceries.. I honestly appreciate all the supportive comments, Sometimes I just think I’m overreacting and life is not as difficult as I imagine, I also feel lucky I’m not homeless and in a much worse predicament, it’s a Bath day for my husband today and I have he’s dad coming for a roast dinner so I won’t be around much today, Thanks once again xxOctober 11, 2020 at 10:24 am #217973
In the meantime a litle reading from the CAB, it outlines a lot of the things you have to arrange and outlines some questions you have.
But you should make an appointment to see them asap/October 13, 2020 at 11:31 am #218070
You’re being treated like a prisoner in your own home. You are – basically – being abused. His disability does not give him the right to do what he’s doing and has done.
Get out of that home now: before your nearly destroyed life is completely destroyed. AND what he’s doing can actually get someone put in prison. And I am being serious about that. He’s committing a crime: in fact, crimes. You are the victim and need victim support. He is an abuser. If he did love you, he doesn’t anymore.
His love is gone.October 14, 2020 at 12:04 pm #218146
As a survivor of abuse, my heart breaks for you. Please take care of you and look for ways not to be used. That may mean speaking to a doctor about the help of a caregiver so you are not under so much stress. A first step to setting healthy boundaries.
We’re here for you, but you must make the decisions and take the actions.October 16, 2020 at 12:46 pm #218265
Also, being abused is never your fault. It isn’t because you’re not good enough or you’ve led him astray. He is the way he is because of his own decisions. He has chosen to be abusive. You are the victim. But you can also be a survivor. Because you’re not alone: so many people suffer abusive relationships. And they are not fools: they are women – even men – who appear confident and fairly happy on the outside. There is no room here for stereotypes. Normal women and men can indeed suffer from domestic abuse.
Reach out for your own sanity and never suffer emotional breakdowns again. Because you deserve better.
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