May 25, 2020 at 7:39 am #211894
A close friend of mine asked me this and I must admit I do not really have any idea on what advice to give. I have never been there.
let me give you some background first.
She’s about the same age as me but single.
She met a woman maybe a few months ago. Just as a potential new friend and they got along very well. Laughed about things and had a couple of common interests. The friendship matured and now she may be talking to her every day in one form or another. Which can be hard to avoid as they work in the same building. (when we can go back to work)
However, my friend is not a lesbian. Never has been but the woman she is now friends with is and makes no effort to hide her lesbian sexuality. (If that’s the right group of words?) My friend does not want to lose the friendship as the other woman is a lovely person apparently. But at the same time wants to make it clear she does not have the same sexual preference or is interested in anything other than the friendship they have.. I mean other than asking her over for a meal at some point in the future the other woman has not made any advances. But I think she’s concerned and feels she may do as she says she gets certain signs that sometimes makes her feel a little awkward.. if she does she really doesn’t want to lose the friendship or upset her in any way. My friend just gets the feeling that she’s interested in more than just that friendship.
How does she handle this? I’m not sure how to tell her to treat the situation. I’ve never really been in it.May 25, 2020 at 8:25 am #211897
In my experience, the same way she would handle it if this person was a man.
By saying clearly, I really like and value you as a friend and I hope thats ok with you because I cant commit to anything else.
The thing is many people are huggy kissy touchy types.. My postlady is very affecionate lady, she calls me sweetheart and darling but I know shes straight so there is no hidden agenda. She loves coming in for a hug and a cuddle with my husband.. (obviously not at the moment) there is nothing in it and her husband is our post delivery man . But they both know if they need to stop for the loo or a drink they can pop into our house.
If she were gay would I then have to worry that there was an agenda? I dont think so knowing that she is a very openly affectionate person.
So I think your friend has to judge ,are these signs out of place for the persons character? Would it be worrying if she did not know her friend was gay or if her friend was obviously straght?
Also some people are quite flirty by nature but mean nothing by it. If this is the case it could just be a question of mixed messages or lost in translation!
Best to be open but gentle if she goes in too strong she could loose a friend or worse still be labeled as a homophobe.May 25, 2020 at 8:45 am #211900
An interesting topic, I think that we ladies are more touchy feely than men and I suppose that can come over with certain girls that we are interested in something more than friendship. I think Cassandra has hit the right note here, be clear but gentle with the woman but say hopefully you can still be friends.May 25, 2020 at 9:44 am #211902
That’s very sound advise Cassandra Thank you.
I am also a very affectionate person by nature. I hope no one ever gets the wrong signs off of me. But most of my friends are too. we are just like that I guess it’s in our genes to show more empathy.
I will tell her should the time arise that it seems to be steered to more than just a friendly hug and a chat that she should make her stance clear on how she feels. But emphasise the importance of friendship with her.
I mean as far as men go I’m an expert on making bad decisions lol. my now partner excluded. But as for another woman. Different story. I have always been I like to think a very warm and approachable person. But Not approachable in that way. Therefore was not to sure what to tell her. I’m flattered that she asked me for this advice but I wasn’t sure what to give as a reply. Great help thank you.May 25, 2020 at 5:42 pm #211911
Unless she does something that would make you feel incredibly uncomfortable coming from a heterosexual woman, I would just keep silent. If her intentions are sexual in nature, there would be NO ambiguity. Then, and only then, should you kindly reject her advances. In other words, don’t put the cart before the horse.
Before the general homosexual population were so open with their sexuality, I was once asked about working with several gay women. (Three out of five of us were lesbians.) I told them I never had a problem working late or alone with heterosexual males, so why should it be any different with lesbians? Yes, they were flirty, but never crossed the line.
I once had a conversation with a homophobic male coworker who was planning to visit his wife’s family in San Francisco. He stated that he would have to beat up anyone who “touched his butt.” I told him that he really thinks a lot of himself. I then asked him if he normally had problems with women grabbing his butt. That shut him up.May 25, 2020 at 9:33 pm #211914
[quote quote=211911]Unless she does something that would make you feel incredibly uncomfortable coming from a heterosexual woman, I would just keep silent. If her intentions are sexual in nature, there would be NO ambiguity. Then, and only then, should you kindly reject her advances. In other words, don’t put the cart before the horse.
I personally have no problem with anyone and or what they are. gay/trans or whatever. Neither does my friend as far as I know when it’s a platonic basis. Its really she’s just not a lesbian and not interested in anything like that. Shes is as far as I know completely heterosexual. Its really just she doesn’t want to lose the friendship but at the same time does not want her gay friend to falsely believe it could be anything else. Unless there are any advances of that nature then just let it ride. tackle the problem should it come to pass. No need to start saying anything just in case she has got the total wrong end of the stick and is reading things that just are not there. As Cassandra said earlier. Perhaps flirty is just the way she is and does not mean anything by it and reading the situation all wrong. that’s what a told her anywayMay 26, 2020 at 7:11 am #211927
I cannot really add much to this except to say the mind is very complex and may map out many scenarios some of which will be to our liking and others not, however close to fact some of them may be.
My approach would be to not worry, unless she is homophobic and gets very stressed by it. Relationships cover a broad area and one that is too close for some would be distant for others. Obviously things can go wrong but usually play out in the end. Your friend can gently lean things against a lesbian relationship without being distant. It will be tricky if her friend is intent on a relationship but it’s a natural occurrance like any other. A good friendship will live through it.May 26, 2020 at 7:58 am #211931
I agree with all the advice. I think you’ve been given excellent advice. I just want to second all of it.
Definitely don’t put the cart before the horse: this friend of your friend may just be a very flirty person. Whether it was with a man or woman is irrelevant. Gender does not matter when it comes to judging/observing friendships or relationships. Plus, so many people are gay – or even bi – yet they’re perfectly normal people. To me, people who think differently need to move with the times. This is the 21st century: not the 1800’s.
Anyhow, brilliant advice that I second. I hope your friend is able to maintain the friendship whilst letting them know she is not romantically interested in her gay friend. I write the term “gay” loosely, because her friend should not be labelled in that way. She should be labelled a good friend.June 2, 2020 at 12:01 am #212221
I have never been touchy feely with female friends, but know many women are and we would not be friends. It’s nothing sexual, I just like my personal space and do not like friends touching me for no reason. A hug can be welcome if I have not seen a friend in ages, but that’s it. I have a feeling if your new friend is lesbian she gets the vibe that you are not.
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