I am broken….Damaged

This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  KitKatKitty 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #198415

    I recently got out of a relationship back in September/October. We were together for 4 years and we had good and bad times. The beginning was great, the “honeymoon phase” and then it went to shit. I had feelings that he was cheating on me and when I confronted him it was always NO. He is in the military and was deployed 2 years ago. Everything seemed fine while he was gone. We talked daily and seemed still in love. We made plans to go on a vacation when he came home. It was beautiful and we had a great time. After the vaycay, around our 3 year anniversary I came home from work to him not wanting to be with me anymore.He wasnt happy and says he hasnt been happy for some time. He was drinking and not himself. I left to my sisters place for a few months. We stayed in touch during this “break” and we ended up deciding to work things out. So I go back….thinking we would be ok and could bounce back.

    Well I was wrong. I started a new/better job and was doing everything to make sure we were happy. We had our arguments, mainly about my weight (which I had no issue with) and the lack of my sex drive (due to the BC I was on). Once again I asked if there was another woman and he again said NO. He would carry his phone everywhere with him when we were home. We would be in bed watching TV and if I moved then he would move his phone as if hiding it. I called him out on it and he swore there was no other woman. He loved only me and that I was worrying about the wrong things. I brush it off and believe him.

    Fast-forward to a year later….we are back in the same boat as far as ending what we had. I was so tired of him bickering about my weight and no sex drive. I decided to stop the BC to see if it would come back. One night around the end of September we got into an argument and I lost my shit. I started throwing things and it got pretty bad. He called 911 claiming that I was attacking him and cops came. We decided that night to go our separate ways. We started sleeping in separate rooms that night. I was planning on leaving at the beginning of October. I left the state and went to my parents for a while.

    I needed answers about whether there was another woman or not all this time (I had a gut feeling several times) so I got into his FB and went straight to the messages. I found the truth there and man that shit hurt like hell. He had been cheating all along. Going to hotels to meet women while I was working nights and meeting them at parks. I screenshot every message and emailed them to him letting him know that I finally had found the truth. That was the last time I contacted him. I have not shed a single tear this time and I have no words for how I feel. I feel like there are no emotions or anything in me when it comes to this. Am I going to have a breakdown or am actually over him?? I want to move on and date again but I am so scared that this will happen again. I cant trust anyone now. I feel broken. Damaged. When it comes to men…..I do not trust them and have my guards up at all times. Even with ones I have known for years. I just want to find happiness again and I know it will take time. But am I really wanting to take the risk of being hurt again or going through this again??

    #198420

    <hugs>

    Oh Teesha, I totally understand how you feel, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this.  I completely know what you mean about how men suck, I feel I’ve lost my faith in their species also at times, and I’m afraid both you and I will still have bad experiences with them (I keep meeting creepy men all the time).  I feel if I were in your place, I’d be very glad knowing for sure he was cheating, I mean I know how heartbreaking and hurtful you must’ve felt, but I think I’d feel a sense of closure and certainty knowing for sure I wasn’t just going crazy and it really was him, you know what I mean?

    For me I needed about five months before I was ready to move on and start rebuilding my life, and it was so difficult for me, I’m glad you’re thinking about this after just a few of being fully separated from him.  When I was where you are, I felt I was swearing off men forever, I felt I had no interest in going through all that again.  I wasn’t looking when I did meet a great guy, he’s wonderful and he has added nothing but happiness to my life, so I do believe there are some good men out there.

    I’m afraid I can’t say you’ll get over him easily or just suddenly become whole again, in my case it took me about a year to realize I had lasting psychological damage from what he did to me, and I’m going through therapy now.  I know everyone’s different, but I wish I’d gotten help sooner, sometimes these things can be really difficult for us, and talking to someone can really help.

    I hope your life is going to go well for you, I hope we’ll see you around here often and please know we’re all here to support you 🙂

    #198432

    It hurts me to hear this happen to anyone.  I think, you just need time to heal.  The feelings of mistrust will eventually pass.  It takes longer for some than for others, but it will happen!

    Allow yourself to grieve.  Take the time to figure out what you really want in a partner.  When you’re ready, you’ll be open to finding him.

    #198447

    How awful for you. Being betrayed by your partner is always devastating. But you can heal and move on. Not all men are like that, thank god. If the next is, don’t stick around and be aware of those warning signals. It isn’t your jealousy or insecurity: if you’re suddenly alert to the signs, then heed that warning sign. And your weight should have no impact on whether a man cheats or not: that is plain nasty. A true partner would NEVER insult their OH like that. You deserve way better.

    I do hope therapy goes well. And [granny alert] there are men who cheat and men who don’t. Not all men are the attacker who plays on his OH’s insecurities. That is actually a bit like bullying someone, to be honest. Deliberately insulting you was – again – nasty. With a partner like that, who needs enemies? He drove you to therapy: what a horrible man.

    I am sorry to be so upfront, but I feel you are a wonderful person and do deserve respect in a relationship. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you: and there are wonderful people out there who will treasure you and never drive you into therapy.

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    #198469

    Thank you for the kind words! I am in the process of healing. I think I am going to be ok. I know that there is someone out there for me and when the time is right we will find each other. I am just going to take this time to fix me and my issues. Focus more on Teesha. Maybe even go back to school.

    #198471

    I agree and I have started a little journal/thought book to get some of this out. And music….I listen to it alot and it helps. My friends all keep telling me that I deserve better and will find the right one day. So it is time to focus on me and get better.

    #198490

    I have to say as I started to read your post I thought sounds like that guy has some PTSD going on.

    By the time I got to the end I thought no hes just a player.

    The thing is its all very well your friends or any of us saying you deserve better  but unless you think you do you will never move on and find someone.

    As @kitkatkitty not all men cheat …Not all dogs bite, not all candy is sweet.

    You know not all guys are cheating losers but what youre doing right now is protecting yourself against any chance of more hurt and more pain. So you have to work through that first before you can even think about getting involved with anyone else or the chances are you will poison a new relationsship with the doubts and pain you still carry. Its great that you have plans and that you realise you need to spend time putting yourself first.

    I think you are going to be fine, you seem to have a very sound frame of mind and a good sense of personal worth. Stop stressing about this guy , hes old news.

    Good luck

    1 member liked this post:
    #198624

    How are you now, noteasilybroken?

    #198640

    How are you now, noteasilybroken?

    I am doing better now. Been looking for work and focusing on myself. I have let go of all the negative and pain that has happened last year and decided to start the New Year on a positive note.

    #198670

    You’ve got the right approach, noteasilybroken. But do be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling: you’ve been badly hurt and repressing your feelings is a bad idea. You shouldn’t tell everyone your feelings or cry all the time, but you must be honest with yourself and lean on your friends. Because you’re not alone: even though your relationship has ended. It is good to be positive, but not good to lie to yourself.

    Take it day-by-day and just let the upset fade. It’s hard now, but it won’t always be. And you WILL meet someone new. Someone who respects you and loves you for you. You are young and have many years ahead of you. You weren’t rejected: there is nothing wrong with you: the fault was his. Look into yourself and celebrate who you are. And if you feel like crying, let yourself. This doesn’t make you weak: it makes you human.  But look to the future and feel glad you’ve got a chance to make it with someone new.

    You’re not alone.

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