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I found something in my bf's search history that I didnt like

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  • #139080

    Hi guys. This is gonna be a long post so if u’re not much of a reader go on to the next one. It’s just that I’ve done some research already and now I come here looking for opinions.
    So about a month ago I was using my bf’s computer and when I typed on the google search bar some… autocomplete suggested sommer ray nude pics or sth like that, an instagram profile. He was right there btw, I looked at him and kinda laughed cause I had caught him, he smiled too, and that was it but, I have to admit, I didnt exactly love that. Some other time he was going to show me sth on instagram and when he opened the search part of the app I saw in his recent searches a bunch of sexy instagram models profiles. I told him how I felt about it. I told him I knew it was normal for every guy to do it, but it still made me feel uncomfortable and insecure that he was looking at girls prettier and hotter than me. He said he would try not to do it that often with a ”lol” at the end. That’s all he said.
    Ever since Ive been feeling a little bit less in love and for some reason I feel like I font trust him like i used to.
    Ive been looking online and all I have found are bullshit explanations and articles by guys justifying their actions. Always using the biology card to describe this as natural or animal instinct. Some of those articles also said that while men are biologically programmed to spread their seed, women look for in a man someone who is capable of supporting her and maintaining a family. So according to this I have a right to feel attracted to men who drive mercedes and doctors and lawyers, and I cant be blamed by my partner because it is ”my biological instinct”
    The thing is I’m not. I’ve always known guys do this but with my previous two bfs I never cared really, but this time its different. This time I actually care. And what bothers me the most is that ever since I’m with this guy i don’t like any other guy, I usually don’t even notice cute guys unless my sister or someone by my side points them to me. And even then ”sure he’s cute” I say, but its no big deal really. I don’t have any celebrity crush like I used to, I really dont care for any hot guy on instagram, nothing. I just dont notice that stuff anymore. So if this is happening to me, why is it not happening to him? I am completely certain he loves me too, and he is dedicated to me, and this time I actually believe that this one would never cheat on me, but it’s just this tiny little thing that disturbs me. The way I explained it to him is that I’m ok with him watching porn. I mean, I like watching it occasionally as well, very occasionally, but I do. The reason I’m ok with it is bcs I know he gets turned on by the act, not the girl herself. But when he looks for girls specifically, it feels as if I wasn’t good enough for him. We exchange regularly sexy pics of each other and take some private vids (without faces ofc), so he’s got plenty of my material to day dream with, material in which I’m in, not some perfect model with a huge a*s :(
    It makes me feel as if I’m not good enough for him, as if my boobs or a*s or tiny hips weren’t enough for him :( And I consider myself to have a good self esteem. I am really pretty and he tells me every day how much he likes my body. But he always says things like ”your cute little butt”, not things like: that juicy a*s, which honestly, I would prefer to hear.
    And dont come at me saying that its normal that I also look at other hot guys harmlessly bcs I really dont. I’m trying to find some other explanation that’s not: ”guys are like that, its their natural instinct”
    Just so u guys know where we stand. Im 22 and he is 24. We dont live together. We see each other like 3 nights a week. Regularly have s*x, great s*x btw :D we are open to give each other pleasure always. We go out a lot to concerts and places almost every weekend. We share a lot of interests in common. I work full time and study and support myself, and we always share expenses when we go out.
    I just wanna know if there is sth I can do to overcome this and not worry about it ever again.this is too long no one is gonna reply :(

    #139135

     

    Hi

    Welcome to the forum. I just read your post and see that it is very similar to this one:

    Why does he need to look?

    I sometimes wonder what is the worst – looking in the way your boyfriend is, or not looking at all! I would be more worried if he hid things.

    With ourselves and men, everyone has a different level of opinion on this. As an artist I take both male and female nudity as natural, although prefer, at least, minimal clothing. Sensuous is Ok but sexual is out! There are members of our art group though, less into figure drawing, who I think, are not comfortable with nudity.

    With the rise in testosterone in puberty men tend to be heavily turned on by things. Some women are as well, but most don’t react in the same way.

    I think I am losing my way a bit here, but I suppose the gist is – Don’t over-react as it does not necessarily signify a problem.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by SpinningJen.
    #139147

    Any man whose excuse is “It’s natural for men to spread their seed” is not a man I would date. That is downright disrespectful and immature. I can understand your boyfriend looking at porn, though: men do do this. However, as long as you’re not being replaced by some woman on Instagram. You could always say something like “What do you think of my body? I’d love for more sexy comments.” Just tell your boyfriend what you desire from him. I’m not saying you should be a tart, but if you want a more sexy relationship, then tell him! I am sure he’s not cheating, but I can understand feeling insecure when looking at Instagram models. You do have to realize they’re made up with makeup and have their photos digitally altered. They’re not in their natural state, so don’t beat yourself up for not looking like that. Anyhow, don’t accept any bullsh*t from your boyfriend, but do be open with him about what you’ve told us. I do hope I’ve helped.

    #139149

    Yes, just by readinf and bothering to reply u have already helped. That bs excuse I only got it from him once the first time I confronted him about it. But we didnt go much into it. The way Im netioning it in the post is how I read about it in some article. And he does compliment my body and we do have a very active and passionate sex life. Which is why I still dont understand this behaviour. I asked if there was anything he needed that I wasnt giving him. He said absolutely not. He said I was the one who actually taught him how to enjoy sex for his two previous gf were more the starfish just laying there type if u know what I mean. So after all these I just dont understand his behaviour

    #139168

    I think it is really normal for guys to look. It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite from as long as you eat at home. My guy doesn’t even look. I have to say: “Look at that pretty girl.” or “She’s got a nice body.” And then he calls me a lesbian (which I am not, as far as I know).

    I wouldn’t bother too much because it only makes you sad and jealous and that is the beginning of the end.

    #139222

    Girl, good luck with that eating at home thought, it’s gonna justify sooo many things your bfs do, u’ll see

    #147447

    I believe that if a man truly, truly is in love with a woman he will NOT look elsewhere. I have experienced this with my current significant other. When you are 100% dedicated to someone, you just do not need to. I thought this was impossible based on my previous experiences with exes who were just dogs. Now that I have found “The One,” I know that it is indeed possible for a man to keep his interest in me and only me. Good luck. Maybe you should experiment and give him a dose of his own medicine so that he knows what it feels like?

    #147563

    I have to make some allowance for him at age 24- that’s still pretty young and still a little short of full manhood. I would not be too concerned about his “spread the seed” remark- that’s just a dumb comment like we all make from time to time. Probably more frequent in younger people. I think its how he treats you that so important and from what you write he treats you pretty good. One more thing like KitKat says- don’t be shy in telling him what you want and need in your relationship.

    #147677

    See I’m of the opinion that it’s not okay for men to do these things without it being a thing that you do together, i.e. watching porn. This goes for women too of course. I’m personally sick of hearing that ‘its normal for men to do this’. I don’t see how that justifies anything at all!? To me it’s extremely disrespectful to your significant other. Getting off to some instagram model, honestly to me that would feel like cheating. Call me a prude, but I cant stand it, and I wouldnt do anything like that myself. Same with, say, going to strip clubs and what not, which is also ‘normal’ to do, all while the wife is at home watching the kids or whatever.

    I believe theres a lot of women out there who are deeply hurt by their men doing this stuff, even if they don’t openly say it, beause they may be shamed by feeling this way. But I feel its important to speak up and challenge this ridiculous belief that ‘men are designed to spread their seeds’ and therefore its ok for them to act like animals. As humans we are also designed with a brain, and men are just as capable of using it as women are.

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by magnolia.
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