June 18, 2019 at 5:31 am #201949
So it’s me and him. We have been together for 10 years and only lived together for a short time back in 2011. Things at the time with my job and well being weren’t the best as I had two brother’s pass away and I felt I had a lot going on and definitely didn’t have the time to commit to a man whose job was constantly traveling 70-80% of the time. We were engaged but I had no idea after the engagement how bad his traveling would be. I had a daughter before him and I spent most of my time babysitting his dog while he was gone… and it didn’t just didn’t seem right so I split and moved back home. We stayed friends and got closer than ever, and I learned a lot about him that I had no idea about up until now 2019. We decided about 20 months ago to try it again and this time he said he wanted to buy a house.. we looked for a few weeks and found one. Then he used to joke about always giving me the kid I wanted *as I said years years back I wanted* and we tried and tried and finally a year later.. just out of nowhere after the house… I became pregnant. Things were going great, and everything seemed fine and the traveling slowed way way down… 5 months into the pregnancy he started traveling again and bought me a puppy to keep me company until the new baby came. Keep in mind my daughter 10 or 11 at the time.. was with friends a lot or my parents which she loved cause she gets spoiled by them…
anyways FAST FWD to now.. we still have our house.. our baby is almost 5 months old, “Oliver” and now it seems his traveling is picking back up. And I started to notice holidays haven’t felt the same with him as everyone else. He is 40 now and I am 34.. I feel like he acts 50.. and makes excuses a lot now… so I told him we needed to do something interesting coming up, and months went by and nothing.. and kinda deadness… even got so bad one day he was talking crazy and I ended up calling the police on him. His family and everyone blamed me and said I over exaggered and all this crap and 2 days later he leaves during our movie says he has to meet someone real quick comes home pulls in the driveway and smashes into my car… so yet again for second time I called the cops. Think he was taking too much of some medication or something.. never seen him get like that..
Now he claims he is pill free and wants to change.. weeks have went by and he planned a trip for my birthday to Vegas. Wanted to stay only 2 or 3 days and elope down there… make me get anxiety how within an hour he wanted to rush this process and prewed thing online and make all the plans 3 days around my birthday… and the next day he like turned on me went ape shit.. started acting funny and would say things like “Okay well if your gonna be that way then I’m canceling Vegas..” so weeks went by and he kept saying I still have the tickets for the flight we can pick someplace else and I”m sorry for all that.. now we have arranged it to be in South Carolina… to go visit Charleston like I have always wanted for 4 nights… and as we are discussing it I noticed he started to get antzy again and almost grouchy cause he couldn’t plan the flight time early in the morning… I was thinking, “Um we have a kid we have to arrange and check in for sure with people to see if we can get a sitter as our son is only 5 months old.. ” and so it would prolly be my parents. He got grouchy like I was making it a big deal but I don’t wanna disrespect or automatically assume anyone is gonna watch our baby or dog either..
He kinda made me uncomfortable the way he keeps doing this. There was time’s in our relationship I almost thought he could be gay or crushes on guys or something. Feels like he always comes first or a male is someone he may feel bad for or this or that. Seems like he’s tough on me almost like I am his child or something… weird.. strange feeling around him now.. what does everyone think?
He was all about his kid in the beginning… as he gets older I notice he says things like “he’s getting fat” “haha don’t feed him that your gonna make him a fat kid” or “for no reason at all he is just fuzzy” or “how am I supposed to know he is hungry?” just things like that.. and I notice he has been bringing up the price of things lately.. like does something for me and almost brings up the price or complains “well yes let’s go to south carolina for sure, but just know I didn’t know our AC was gonna go out this month” so I say something like” let’s plan for next year I’m find with that. ” and he complains somemore and says “no, let’s go there.. I know you would like it plus the flight can’t be canceled we can just change where the location is we are going.
Been engaged for a long time.. and almost thinking this guy is going cheap and lazy on me.. and not worth it. It was never like this before.. he always made sure everything was the best… what do you think?
This guy obviously has stuck around and loves me but I just feel like he’s dying off for me or something. He don’t seem as thrilled anymore to do anything and acts like a lot of a hassle.. unless he is on his meds and then he works on something and I don’t communicate with him for hours as he is busy…we used to have so much fun. Is it age difference? Him 40? me only 34?June 19, 2019 at 10:01 am #201981
Hes a new dad , holding down a job that sound quite full on, obviously has medical issues and you think hes just fat and lazy?
I see a guy who may be overwhelmed by the whole new dad thing, feeling left out, tired, possibly not feeling 100% but not able to voice his concerns. He obviously wanted time alone with you thats why he suggested the holiday (men do like to do things spur of the moment)
Maybe you both need some time possibly you need to speak to a counsellor who can get to the bottom of the emotional problems youre having and his medical problems.
Or ….you could just walk out the door and give up on him after all this time… but that isnt what commitment is about.
Decide what you want and what you can bring to this relationship and they make some positive moves to get yourselves out of this problem. Talk to him calmly and nicely not through a cop or family member (they are the worst)June 19, 2019 at 1:02 pm #201982
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I see things very, very differently from Cassandra. But please know what I’m going to say is based on my personal life experiences (which are different than hers), and from what you’re writing here and what I’m sensing.
I feel like he’s trying to control you and manipulate you. He doesn’t seem to respect you, and in my mind he may view you as his possession rather than his partner.
He seems like he has a pattern of offering you something you want, making himself look like a loving husband, but he then later uses that against you and tries to emotionally control you. Like notice how you say he talked about “giving you the baby you always wanted”, rather than your child being something you’ll do together as a team, he’s “graciously giving you a gift” and you’ll owe him for this. And now he mocks your child … that feels very narcissistic to me, like he doesn’t view either of you as people.
You and he have been engaged for a long time … I don’t trust men who like to dangle things like that. He’s keeping a promise at arms’ reach, so you’re strung along. And then he does offer to marry you, but he makes such crazy plans and demands that you’re forced to back out from pressure, and now he gets to say “I tried for us to get married, but it’s your fault we didn’t because you backed out”, so he can continue going on like he is.
He offers you your dream vacations … but he puts up enough barriers to stop them from really happening. That feels incredibly manipulative to me, he’s thinking he can keep your hopes alive, but even finds ways to blame you for it not happening … he wants to look loving but make you feel like you’ve screwed things up, so he gets credit for what he “tries” to do and you’re now in debt to him for something he didn’t even deliver on. I feel that’s cruel of him.
I feel he probably “loves” you in a very possessive way, like a man loves his car. Like you say, he puts himself and even other men first … I don’t think he’s necessary homosexual, just misogynistic. I doubt he respects women at all, including you.
Two years ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years when I had just turned 35 years old. I totally understand your position, how you feel for him (but I think a lot of your feelings might really be for the relationship you wish you had with him rather than what you really do have, and for the man you wish he could be instead of the man he really is), and how scared you are of wasting so many years of your life on a failed relationship, and trying to do whatever you can to save it and make it work. You can do better than him, and if he is like he seems to be you could end up spending the rest of your life as his slave, like I almost did.
In two weeks I’m getting married to a wonderful man who really truly loves me and treats me as a man should treat a woman, he’s a thousand times better than that loser I used to be with. There are men out there who will care about you and love you like you deserve to be loved.June 19, 2019 at 1:35 pm #201984
I agree 100% with Mamie.
I cannot offer better advice: he does sound manipulative and controlling. I have [fortunately] not been in an abusive relationship myself but I can read the signs. You’re obviously deeply unhappy: and with good reason. You will never be able to change him. And you also deserve the best in life. In your shoes, I would cut my losses and move on. You really do deserve much, much better. I would not tolerate this situation myself. What do you owe him? Nothing. He owes YOU respect and caring. From what I can tell, he has given you very little and he leaves you to dangle.
I would take your children and get out of there.June 23, 2019 at 2:46 pm #202104
I think its great that the OP is getting different opinions and maybe a little from all sides will help her find her way.
We all see things differently based on our own life and the lives of others who have been close to us.
Sometimes people think there is only one way to view things but thats never true. Especially in a relationship , if there are two people then there are two points of view and they both have to be heard to make anything work,.June 25, 2019 at 12:11 am #202144
Here’s my question: Is this the relationship you want? If not, then you don’t need anyone’s advice, you need to sit down and make a plan for the life you do want. If he fits within that plan as he is, then great. Don’t expect change, because we can’t make people change, they have to change on their own.
What do YOU want? Set out to design the life you want. That’s the only way you can be a happy healthy mother for your children, and a good partner, who might just have to be someone else. Someone who may be just around the corner.
I know it’s hard to think of all the years you invested in this but that can’t be the reason to stay in a relationship that doesn’t allow you to be your best, healthy, happy self.July 8, 2019 at 7:32 pm #202432
How have things panned out now? Has our advice helped clarify what’s in your mind?
I hope to hear from you: I think we would all like to know how things have progressed.