March 12, 2018 at 11:32 pm #159192
My boyfriend of a little over a year broke up 3-4 weeks ago. I won’t go into heavy detail about what exactly happened, but ultimately the relationship was falling apart, I wasn’t ready to let go and he wasn’t trying to fix anything despite my constant begging, crying, and attempts to compromise. He got upset when he found out I was talking to other people (not flirting, or hooking up, or meeting anyone, or anything like that. I mean genuinely talking, like having normal conversations type of talking.) He took is as exactly what it wasn’t threw me out of our apartment that we were leasing together (which I never signed a renewal for and I’ll get back to that in a second).
Anyway, I am in a safe place. My friend has been letting me live with her until I get back on my feet. But this whole break up has been extremely difficult for me. I know things will be better, but there’s the trauma from my ex that I’m not sure how to cope with.
See a month or so before the break up… something happened. And I’m not sure how to really label it. I was laying in bed drifting off to sleep. I was either completely undressed or partially undressed, I can’t remember. I just know that it was late, I was tired, and he was home. He used to work second shift and I worked during the day, so naturally when he got home I would be either just going to bed or already asleep. No big deal. Well he came into the bedroom and started kissing me and touching me. I told him no, I was tired. He didn’t. I said again, “NO”. He didn’t. He got on top of me, I kept my legs closed as much as I could, clearly “stop” and “no” wasn’t enough. And I wasn’t in the mood for him to get me worked up into having sex with him. I tried to push him off of me, and mind you he is heavy and pretty strong dude, he held my legs apart and found a way inside. I didn’t say anything at this point, I just laid there. Annoyed and waiting for him to be done. He went for about 30-45 seconds and then asked “you really don’t want to?” And I told him “I’m sorry but no.” He then stopped and left the room alone.
I don’t remember what kind of reaction I had after being alone. But I know that was something I put in the back of my mind until now. I remember saying to myself over and over again as it was happening “this isn’t okay, this isn’t okay.” And every time I think about it I shake so badly.
And now that I’m out of the relationship, I look back at it and I now see how much I was neglected emotionally. All I wanted was some kind of consideration, for some kind of attention, affection. To actually feel loved. I got none of that. All he would do is go to work, we would message throughout the day about the cats, memes, or whatever, and he would come home, play his game, eat whatever, and would go to bed. We never really went out on dates, just out to eat all the time. We would only have sex when he wanted to. Which wasn’t all that often but I can’t say that I always wanted to either.
I feel like I was used for sex. He didn’t need me in that apartment. He’s more than capable of handling it on his own. I feel like I was nothing more than a pet to him. I was only there for his convenience; only there for the comfort of having a familiar face to come home to. And since I am no longer living in the apartment, they want me to pay a fee to take my name off the lease, which is equivalent to an entire paycheck for me.
I found that I can legally terminate a lease without paying a fee if domestic disputes/violence had occurred. While I wasn’t actually hit… he did violate me sexually. But here’s the thing… only one other person knows about this and they’ve sworn not to say anything until I get this figured out. And I never led on that anything happened at the time and I don’t know why. I knew it was wrong but I ignored it. And I really don’t know why this is NOW bothering me so much. I know what happened is the way to get out of my lease but I don’t want to launch an investigation against my ex. He has a hard time with his memory as it is so he wouldn’t even remember that night anyway. Which makes me second guess myself, like did it even happen?
I’m not sharing this because I want to get back at him. I’m not sharing this because I want validation of what happened. My question is this, am I wrong for feeling so… gross? Why is this incident now making me so anxious, when I haven’t thought about it for a long time. And why NOW? Why not then? Is it even worth mentioning? Is it even worth telling? And more importantly… was I raped, even though he was the man I loved?
Please help me. Thanks for taking the time to read this.March 13, 2018 at 3:51 pm #159283
That was rape Psyche- pure and simple. You should have gone straight to the authorities and filed charges against him . All this other business about the apartment, the lease, his failing memory are beside the point. Rape was committed and you owe it to yourself and your sisters to seek justice.
1 member liked this post:March 15, 2018 at 9:03 am #159593
I’m afraid Rhonda333 is right: you were raped. Whether or not you press charges only you can decide, but I would certainly seek counselling. I know it won’t change what happened, but you’re traumatized and need emotional support. Now many women have been raped, but it is rarely black or white. There can be many variables in a rape situation: such as his failing memory, the fights, etc. There is no doubt you’ve suffered, but you can get help: even if you don’t report him to the police.
1 member liked this post:March 17, 2018 at 1:15 am #160054
We would only have sex when he wanted to. Which wasn’t all that often but I can’t say that I always wanted to either.
How did he violate you sexually?
<span style=”line-height: 1.5;”>Does not appear you put up any resistance to having sex with him from your narrative. </span>
<span style=”line-height: 1.5;”>sounds like you have a simple case of revenge against him that will not succeed unless you left a lot of details out. rape is normally reported closely after occurring. </span>