August 11, 2019 at 7:54 am #203064
This is more a vent post, so it’ll sound a bit muddled.
I’ve been in a serious long distance relationship for the past couple months. I have an amazing partner, who always goes out of their way to make sure I know they’re thinking of me… until the past one and a half weeks or so. They’ve been having finals, so I sent them my support every single day and words of encouragement. They would read my messages, but never reply–or reply a few days later. The last time this happened, they were suffering from a heat stroke, which is why I suspected they weren’t feeling well again.
We have a crazy time difference, so I managed to catch them this morning. They admitted their health has been off, along with the stress they’ve been dealing with; and that the only thing they’ve been doing apart from studying is napping, and “sometimes catching up with other friends” who were worried about their long disappearance. I don’t want to sound like a clingy girlfriend, but I couldn’t help but feel this pang of jealousy, albeit I didn’t say anything because they have all their rights. I only wished them good health and that I’m praying for them constantly. They left me on read again.
I can’t help but feel they’ve been sounding cold at the same time. They’ve always been so gentle and kind, and to see them like this really hurts. My insecurities, anxieties… They sometimes hurdle back but I have to suck it up and stay strong and consistent. I understand serious relationships aren’t always easy, and it is tests like these that really bring you closer. I know they have no clue I feel this way… And I don’t want them to know, either. It would only add to their stress, and the last thing I want is to be a burden for them. I also understand that feeling sick and distressed can leave one irritable and not wanting to do anything… especially beneath the summer heat.
Yet at the same time… I was reading how it’s human nature and that traumatising past experiences lead to defensive attitudes through insecurities and the need to be constantly reassured. I don’t doubt my partner at all, and I trust them with my life. And no, I don’t ask for constant reassurance. I just… have quite a low self-esteem. Does this make sense? It makes me feel even worse because we’ve both promised we’ll share everything with one another, and they do. If something was bothering them, they would have told me. That’s how I know it’s all in my head and I’m overthinking this, as usual.
It doesn’t help social media has programmed only pessimism and failures. Everywhere I go, it’s edgy “sad” love “poems.” 🙄
Have any of you been in a similar situation?August 11, 2019 at 8:58 am #203068
Firstly well done for managing a long distance relationship. Its not easy.
My husband was away for nearly 6 years on and off, his father became ill and was told he only had months to live but lived for 5 years at which point it became obvious that his mother was also seriously ill. My husband worked and nursed his father until he died then helped get his mother sorted and get her the care she needed before returning home.
Even though we had been together for ages by that point there were still times when he was distant or cold , I later found out these were the times when he really wanted to just come home but didnt dare admit it to anyone not even himself. He felt that by just not speaking and keeping his head in his work he would cope and he did, but it did sometimes lead to moments when I wondered if I should get on plane to find out what was wrong.
Trust is so important but you can help build that by setting time for each other. If yu cant text or phone/facetime/skype daily try setting a time a couple of times a week that suit you both and when you will both have time to sit back and chat. Sometimes one quality conversation can mean more than daily or hourly texts or whatsapp bursts of ‘love you’ ‘hows things’? kind of messages. I realised those messages put pressure on my OH especially the hows things ones, those were the ones that forced him to lie and say things were ok when really he was struggeling.
Dont give up. Take care.. Cass
1 member liked this post:August 11, 2019 at 9:15 am #203069
6 years… Cassandra, I should be the one saying well done to you, that the both of you remained strong even in the most difficult of times. I’m sorry you and your husband both had to go through such an obstacle, and I hope everything is alright now.
My partner and I spoke to each other pretty much all the time since we had gotten together, until the one and a half weeks ago that I told you. They’ve never ever given me a reason to doubt them and we’ve always been open about our feelings. Yet I feel there’s something more that’s bothering them–they didn’t even tell me they’re unwell until I asked them this morning if there’s something on their mind. The way you felt, I’ve been feeling the same… I want to jump on the first plane and wrap my arms around them. I just miss them so much.
I wish I could take all their worries… All their stress away. We have one and a half years between us and that feels like such a long time. I won’t ever give up. Consistency is key, right?
1 member liked this post:August 13, 2019 at 7:34 am #203096
I don’t think their behaviour bodes well. I think they are distancing themselves from you and are thinking of moving on.
I write this because I have had long distance friendships and recognise the signs. Being supportive and kind doesn’t really work at keeping in contact with them. I know you love them, but I feel they are distancing themselves from you: not because of anything you’ve done wrong, but because that’s life. It’s like when someone wants to end things, they just vanish. Unfortunately, I think that is what is happening in your case.
I know I sound blunt, but it is true. Still, I know you’re heartbroken: having someone push you away is very hurtful. But I would prepare yourself for what could transpire. But you will meet someone new: and maybe the universe has that person in store for you. But you’ve got your friends and you’re not alone in your life. It is hard, though: I know the pain.
Do consider what I’ve said. I know I am being forward but I feel my comments are true. But it is absolutey heartbreaking, I know.
1 member liked this post:September 3, 2019 at 1:04 pm #203554
How have things transpired, ruhaniyat?
I hope you’re OK.