Learning to Love Yourself First

Female Forum Forums Category Related Discussion Love & Relationships Learning to Love Yourself First

This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  KitKatKitty 1 year, 8 months ago.

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    Does anyone else feel as though they find themselves thinking that they always need to have a “someone special” in their lives to make them happy and feel as though someone cares about you? I believe I can blame this on my past of bad relationships, but I also know that I have not yet learned how to be happy with myself and love myself even when I am alone. I jump into relationships far too quickly and later on find that they do not work out as I had hoped they would. It is clear to me as I grow older, that learning to love yourself and being able to depend on yourself and only yourself for your happiness is very important. Although I know this is how it should be, I can’t yet seem to figure out how the whole “self-love” thing really works. I tend to depend on others, particularly men, to be happy and tend to be the girl that gives relationships her very all instead of thinking about what I deserve as well. Why am I like this, and how is one supposed to transition from being dependent on others for happiness to being independent and strong? I would love to hear if other people have felt the same way before, and how they overcame such a mindset and learned how to be happy on their own! Please share!

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    I can understand you here as I sort of feel the same way, but I have learnt over the years that I am pretty much a loner in lots of things so have learned to be happy with my own company. That is even so, considering that I have not been alone for many years now. I still do lots of things alone. It does make me feel alone at time though, even though I am not.

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    I am glad to hear that you have managed to learn how to be okay with your own company, that is wonderful and I happy for you! As a college student, besides studying and going on the internet, perhaps I become very bored with myself and my own company and simply need to learn more things to do when I am alone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!


    I’m the same as Jen.   I do lots of things alone.  I guess, I had to learn to entertain myself as an only child.

    If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re no good to anyone.

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    I also do a lot of things alone. I have high self esteem and realize the importance of looking out for myself. I don’t like being trapped in a relationship or being the prisoner of someone’s needs. I choose for myself and only myself. I do not like being told what to do. Anyhow, I do like my own company, but I am still sociable: I don’t hide away. But I do care about myself and only have myself to answer to.

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    I’ve been single for a long, LONG time.  Strangely enough, I was getting okay with the idea of NOT measuring myself against what everyone else was doing.  I figure  if and when it happens it happens, right?  Great attitude, right?????  Well then reality actually hit me.  I realized that most all of my friends are coupled up or married now.  I can’t get away from the endless updates about their SOs, their wedding plans, their romantic vacations, and so on.  I’m pretty much persona non grata now.  To make matters worse, I’ve actually had “friends” ignore me on social media because I’m single because they see the S word as being a scarlet letter meaning I’m going to steal their boyfriends or spouses or break up their relationships.  I’m always responding to their posts with a genuine heart, even if it’s the umpteenth nausiating ring selfie I’ve seen.  Yet if I share my single girl pursuits, it’s like hearing crickets in the room (So sorry I don’t have any date night photos, announcements about wedding plans, gushing reviews about that cosy couples bistro you’ve all been to, or gripe posts about how the man in my life leaves his underwear on the floor.)  The whole situation got so bad, particularly on Facebook (Or as I refer to it single girl hell) that I posted a notice that I’m taking an extended break after which I’m purging the fakest of the lot.


    Not to mention the fact that I’ve now become the go to girl for various married family members.  Need a sitter last minute to watch three kids, I’m the one asked.  Need a House/Dogsitter so they can go on vaca, that’s me too.  The good thing about this is though that I get to pick and choose AND I don’t do it for free….reasonable but not free, I figure if I’m helping you have a romantic life or whatever at the cost of my own then heck yeah I ought to be compensated.  The extra money can be saved, or I can use it towards doing the things that I like to do or on my interests, the things that all the “coupled” people seem not to want to hear about:  The latest great read, my artwork, a good movie, or a tasty treat I’ve discovered.

    Have I felt bad about the fact that I’m missing out recently?  Yeah.  It would be nice to have someone to cuddle (Instead of a stuffed dog) or get backrubs from.  It would be nice if on V-Day or my birthday if I could be the one proudly posting that selfie of the huge flower arrangement or super thoughtful, totally quirky gift given to me by an SO on social media instead of having to see everyone elses and either have to fake being polite or ignore them if they irk me the wrong way.  It would also be nice to get the perceived scarlet letter off my back, however, why would I trust my “friends” even then?????  I’m telling you, if the shoe were on the other foot and I was the coupled one, I wouldn’t cut someone for being single.  Only people who are truly insecure cut off single people, believing them to be a threat.  It’s an awful thing to do.


    Yes, having a SO would be nice but I’m not the girl for casual relationships and quick hookups, which seems to be all the rage in the Tinder culture.  I know exactly what I want and what I expect within reason, and nearly all of the guys I have made contact with in the past two years or so have been creeps.  They either want to exchange porno pics, engage in webcam or phone sex, or want a quickie.  No thank you!!!!!  If it happens for me, then cross fingers hopefully because I’ve waited and not settled that I might find a good, decent guy.

    The waiting sucks doing everything solo, but as another poster said, you can do as you please, that is definately a plus.

    Right now I’m being truly “selfish” and focusing on me.  That means nights at home or in the case of my go to girl status, being in other people’s homes with kids, dogs, exc.

    When I’m at home I can watch what I want on telly, I can read uninterrupted, I can work on my artwork, do my puzzles, or work on my spiritual practices(I’m a Taoist).  I don’t answer to anyone except maybe my mom, and for the most part she leaves me alone unless she’s having health problems and needs my help.

    I’ve also noticed being near the point of being in full menopause, I hate anything jarring.  Drama, big social situations, noise and confusion.  Sometimes I just need quiet either indoors or out.

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    An interesting point in your last paragraph Lisaann. I too hate too much noise as well. That is probably why I virtually never watch soaps on the TV as their characters always seem to be in shouting matches these days. If I change over for a program and the end of a soap (especially ‘Eastenders’) is on I have to mute the sound as it ‘does my head in’ as they say.

    I do hope you get to be where you want socially. Although I am not single, a lot of the time I go to functions alone and do feel a bit left out, but when I look I am usually not the only one. In our art group half the members are usually without their partners to our meetings and even when we have dinners. At a party I was worried about on Saturday, the friends I had there were either single or without their partners so my concerns were groundless.

    I know it is a bit of a cliche, but why not join an artgroup (if you have not). Usually such groups have some like-minded alone or single people. It would enable you to build new friendships without the online hassles.

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    I know how you feel, Lisaann1213. A close male friend of mine recently moved away and no one told me. I felt so betrayed. It is difficult to go to the clubs we used to go to: because he’s not there. It is heartbreaking and now I have to move on.

    But – as you’ve said – we now can do whatever we want and please ourselves. A relationship is not always stress-free, either. Now I can watch anything on TV or whatever. Instead of being unhappy about losing him, I can be free and follow my heart. I don’t need some man telling me what to do or having a quickie off some bloke on a dating site. Who needs that hassle?


    I can totally understand where you are coming from! I have been in a relationship for 3 years and there are many times where I have felt that I need that person by my side to feel complete. It becomes hard not to get to attached to that one person who is “your everything”. I have struggled with this myself, and continue to struggle with it sometimes. However, while I am still in this relationship, I continue to try and learn how to find the balance between being in a relationship but also being independent. Although I am still a work in progress, I think I have come farther than I previously was. Something that I think is very important is having some alone time. When you get in a relationship you tend to dedicate all your time to being with that person, but your alone time is tremendously important. It allows you to reflect, learn more about yourself, and become comfortable and in peace with yourself. This can also be done while taking part in your favourite activities, such as reading a book or going to the gym. You might feel lonely when you first start off, but the more you do it, the more you will learn about yourself and you will find the love and peace within yourself before you can let someone else into your journey.

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    I agree with you, Vkrasno. You have to find the love within yourself: not take love from other people as confirmation of your self-love. Basically, love comes from how you feel about yourself deep down. Of course there is the love of a partner – and it does make life sweet – but sometimes we have to look within for self confirmation. Like today, I read a book [which I enjoyed] and just had a day to myself. I don’t do this every day, but once so often, time alone helps mend the heart. I do find value in myself keeps my world going.

    Anyhow, I think we are all a work in progress: even those of us who are single. And we validate ourselves always. Because life is a journey and we all have our own path to follow: our guide lies within us.

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