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Messed Up Love Triangle

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    I think I’m in a messed up Love Triangle with both of my exes! Me and my ex of 20 plus years, 2 kids and 3 grandchildren together, split up years ago. He married a very insecure woman and regrets it. I married a very insecure, narcissistic man and also regret doing that. Me and my ex of 20 plus years were obviously both blinded by the new relationship. Me and my 20+ year ex’s marriages have both been quite the battle and have put us both thru the ringer. Neither of our spouses know how often over the last 9 years we’ve been talking (we all live in the same city that’s not that big). We’re pretty much best friends. Me and my now “Husband” have been off and on for a while now but this last argument we had in July has put a HUGE wedge between us. We actually haven’t even lived together since January (basically, living apart together was our arrangement). My ex who I spent 20+ years with, still lives with his controlling, insecure, mean wife. Early August when our grandchildren made a trip to visit for 2 weeks, me and my ex got closer during that time and one thing led to another and we made a pact to go full circle, meaning, get back together…but next year after he finishes renovations on the house and can get enough for a lawyer to fight his wife in court as she’s absolutely gonna fight and take him to the ringer. She’s known in town for doing that. He was warned but got married anyhow in 2010. Where I’m struggling is, why wait for that? Material things aren’t as important as your happiness and sanity…but he was always sort of materialistic and I think that’s why. They have lots of big items together, however, the house was purchased by him and our oldest son when we were still together. I don’t know how that gets worked out.  Me and my now “Husband” have separated a few times and will eventually divorce and theres no battling over anything. His stuff is his, mine is mine. It’ll be an easy one, BUT he’s not talking divorce; hes still wanting to keep me around as he enjoys my company and we share 2 dogs together (I keep them for 2 weeks at a time when he goes to work). My “Husband” doesnt have many  friends/no family here but will stay if I agree to continue living apart together. I told him, “of course you’d be ok with that but that doesn’t mean I want that”. I don’t feel it would ever go back to the way it was between us even if my ex and I never made that pact. You see, both of our spouses never really accepted our kids or us two even talking, especially my ex’s spouses. She has a real hate on for me and watches him and his cell and emails and Facebook, like a hawk….yet we’re all pushing 50-51 years old!!! So juvenile. Anyhow, my ex told me to be patient and it’ll happen next year (that he’ll leave her and we’ll get back together). Hes been telling me though that hes gonna leave her for years but hasn’t made the slightest move. This time does feel different tho as we’ve not had an affair with each other before, until August, and now we both know how we feel about each other and miss our life together and enough is enough, sort of thing. I know alot of people say marriages are sacred and should be saved but honestly, our marriages shouldn’t. They’re both toxic and have been very damaging to our children, especially one of our two (who resides with me). Also, for years, I’ve had access to my ex’s emails, bank account and can move money for him and send myself money or send money to our sons etc if he says to as they need the financial help at times. I just got all kinds of passwords to his things as though we’re the ones married. Now with my own “Husband”, I have no idea what he makes a year or any passwords (he wouldn’t hear of it, believes its soooo wrong that couples have that access), he wont even lend me his new truck yet mine is out of commission and he help bag it out for years before he got his new one months ago. Anyhow, I’m sure you get the picture. I’m wondering, and I know this is a unique situation, but should I patiently wait for my ex or give him a time limit or what? As for my “Husband”, whom I don’t hate (that’s sucha strong word) and I feel sorry for him as I understand why he wants me to be his company here when he’s in town (has no one) but I know he’ll want, or eventually want, strings attached – men are smooth that way, and that’s not what I want for a relationship/marriage (living apart together). Should I just encourage him to move south where his family all are? Its not like he never did before (he packed up his precious things (he’s materialistic too) before and moved south for a few months before we reconciled in 2017….and patiently wait for my ex to see if he’s actually gonna make that move (leave his wife) this time forsure? I know this is messed up but any input would be greatly appreciated. Note that our spouses are so alike, and me and my ex are like victims in our toxic marriages and have been for years. Its insane; what are the chances of that happening??!!  So these marriages of ours  are not your typical marriages. Both of us were dumb and blind I guess. Me and my ex are actually more married behind their backs, for years, without the spouses even knowing.

    Anyhow, hope to hear something back from one or some of you. Please – no negative comments. TIA.

    • This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by wysiwyg69.

    Nothing negative? Theres very little positive to say about the situation no matter how you look at it.

    I pity your children in all this mess, grown ups who dont accept them, parents who cant make up their minds, those children are the victims not you or your ex.

    Advice? Get some proper counselling before you make any silly decsions. Get a professional to look at the situation and help you decide if this is really the best thing to do or if you would be better off on your own finding out who you are and what your kids need before embarking on another train wreck relationship.

    And this  isnt negavtive just honest opinion, I know that isnt popular but hey, youve put your life out here in public and asked us to comment…


    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by cassandra.

    I agree Cassandra. I got the opinion when I was reading – ‘Just what do you want?’ It’s out of one calamity to another. Relationships need working on, but if you don’t understand and have confidence in yourself this will happen again.


    Thanks to you both for your input. I guess I shouldn’t of used the word “kids” when typing it out, as our children (children, kids) are actually grown up now (they’re in their 20’s and 30’s).


    [quote quote=203992]Thanks to you both for your input. I guess I shouldn’t of used the word “kids” when typing it out, as our children (children, kids) are actually grown up now (they’re in their 20’s and 30’s).


    Ok so your children are adults, but what example are you setting them or have you given them? Have you ever stopped to consider the imapct your bevaiour has on them?

    My advice stands, go find some professional help before you do any more damage .

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