Moving forward/removing toxic people

Female Forum Forums Category Related Discussion Love & Relationships Moving forward/removing toxic people

This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  KitKatKitty 4 days, 9 hours ago.

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  • #228006

    Around 10 years ago, I wasn’t in a good personal place.  I was lost in life, friends moving away, settling down and of those I had around me; they were never really there.  It was my first experience of being truly lonely and feeling like I wasn’t living my life how I should be.  I was working in a job just to pay the bills and try and gain experience to get the job I really wanted.  I was far too nice for my own good.  This guy at this job started talking to me, I was just nice and they seemed to latch on to me.  As they said that they were in a relationship (i’ve met their partner), I didn’t think anything of it and with being as lonely as I was then… I was probably grateful for someone to talk to.

    I started getting messages but they began to get weird – I tolerated it to begin with but after I felt they overstepped the mark, I called them out on it.  I got my head bitten off, got told that I had read into it and it wasn’t what I thought it was.  I went one further and said that if I was in a relationship and my significant other was sending messages of this manner, I would be fuming.  Got told that it was a compliment and I should take it as a compliment and that I was the one with the problem.

    After I got a short term boyfriend, they sulked.  They could not be happy for me and when it did end, they gloated that they were no good for me in the first place.  I snapped and told them straight that if they were any kind of friend, they’d be supportive and this was again, weird behaviour.  I don’t know why I didn’t walk at this point but I was so alone in my life that I couldn’t see a way forward.

    I did eventually start distancing myself, I started joining groups to help make new friends and meet new people.  I found that I was rarely hearing from this person which was good.  At one point, we had a political difference in opinion and shot down my views – so I stood my ground and said that I was entitled to my own opinion and they theirs.  I kept distancing myself but any time I did hear from them, there was the usual odd messages which I’d be “complimented” and every time I pulled them up for it – it was again made out like I had the problem.

    A few years ago, I got into a long-term relationship.  A month prior to going official, I heard from this guy and I said that life was treating me well but I didn’t go into detail about my personal life.  I again didn’t actually tell them I was in a relationship as I couldn’t be bothered with the drama.  So unfortunately, they found out via social media.  They didn’t acknowledge it, infact just ignored any posts I put up with my partner, didn’t say a word about it and made no contact.  I decided that really, they were never a friend in the first place but I didn’t need someone like this in my life at all.  So I started to really put the distance in place and started removing this person from social media.  I removed them from one platform – they went and re-added me at a really silly time in the morning.  I was creeped out by it but decided not to readd them, finally making a stand and blocking them.  I got rid of an old email address that they had.  After my relationship ended last year, I decided I didn’t want to appear as vulnerable around this person or give them any reason to come back into my life.  So at the end of the year, I removed them from all my social media platforms and then blocked their number.

    There was no reprisals… I breathed a sigh of relief and had hoped that they had finally taken the hint.  Over the weekend, they went and added another IG account I have for lifestyle… in the 6 years I’ve had this account, they’d never followed it or taken an interest.  I was annoyed at myself for not thinking to block them on that… but as they’d never been interested in it, I didn’t think they’d bother.  I blocked them off that but it shook me up.  They have shown no interest in my life but as soon as I take action, they then attempt to readd me.  Has anyone ever had a problem like this?  What did you do?

    I realise that I’ve not done the obvious thing of telling them to leave me alone but I’m more scared that it makes the situation worse and I put myself at risk.  I know that ‘ghosting’ is not okay but as I have tried and failed to tell this person in the past that their behaviour is not okay, I felt that this was my best option… but I do realise, its giving them cause to question my actions and it’s probably riled them.

    I do feel really weary of all this and just want to live my life in peace.

    #228011

    Luckily I have not had this problem but it looks very much like stalking to me. I really feel for you as I don’t see that you should have to be continually blocking someone to live your life in peace. Although there are good points with social media there are bad ones too and I have noticed that some people can be getting hassle which their other friends don’t even notice as it can be very secretive. There are legal channels in many countries, and even reporting to the organisation running the site may help. It’s difficult to say without knowing the full facts but I suggest you get advice locally. Maybe the police, as they would advise and have a note of your concerns. Keeping things to yourself is a hard and risky route to take, as you realise. I am sure everyone here will help with their experienced guidance.

    1 member liked this post:
    #228018

    I can’t better SpinningJen’s advice: it most certainly sounds like stalking. I’d contact the police and stop them in their tracks. The legal system is the best way to stop them. Because if you try to get them to stop yourself, you’ll be the one in trouble. OK, that may not happen, but it could.

    You’re just going t have to go to the police on this one.

    #228035

    Sadly unless the person takes action or writes to you personally the police wont do very much. Their first advice will be to do excatly what you have done block the person.

    Its also an idea to make it known to all your family and friends that this person however nice they might sound is a bother to you and you will instantly block anyone who shares information about you with that person. (Its a back up to stop leaks.) But yu have to make good on your threat.. So be prepared to lose a few contacts along the way.

    Then any contact, text, FB message, mail ,etc keep it, get a hard copy and file it. You have to build a dossier, do not dismiss any contact as being trivial even a Christmas card is contact.

    Also keep any copy of mail or contact you have with the person directly or indirectly as mentioned above via friends or family. This proves that you do not encourange or at any time constent to information being shared with this person.

    Update all your privacy settings, change all passwords and even consider a new social media account using a nickname and adding people in once they have proved they can be trusted.

    Take back the power. Make the decisions before this person gets to choose what to do next.

    Dont be curious , dont look up thier name or ask anyone about them that could be seen as you wanting or initiating contact.

    Good Luck

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by  cassandra.
    3 users liked this post:
    #228039

    cassandra is 100% on the ball. I cannot better cassandra’s advice. I’d follow her advice, forestflower1.

    I don’t have much else to add, but I hope things improve for you.

    #228657

    I hope forestflower1 found the answers she needed.

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